H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S

H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S


Bet ya’ll didn’t know that word was an acronym.

Monie, say what?

Hell fuckin’ yeah.

Look it:

*Monie hurriedly scribbles the the following word vertically on her imaginary chalkboard and uses the chalk to point out each letter to your attention*


H is for Hustling

O is for Others'

M is for Money

E is for Eating (and drinking too) and

L is for Living free off of

E veryones

S hit and finally

S for So the fuck what, bitch?

*Chalk snaps in half from all the hard pointing. Monie throws what’s remaining in her hand somewhere over her shoulder and barely misses Dinka cat’s head*
Good-bye T.O.N.Y., Hello H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S.!

Solange aint the only bitch that can make an acronym out this mafucka!

H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S - Got it, everybody?
Now for today’s diatribe.
*Cue in T.O.N.Y instrumental*

I don’t like homeless people. That’s right, I said it. I don’t.
I feel like 99% of them are living foul-like—begging for money under false pretenses of being hungry and having no money for the bus. Meanwhile, they got more money than me because during the 8 hours I’ve been busting my ass for about $35 dollars an hour (that gets tax-raped down to like $17) you, oh Homeless Wonder, have been sucking dick tax free for crack and Popeye’s Chicken.

(Click on these pics to enlarge-- they're a must see)

And if he (or she) is one of them new age Nomads like the ones that bless DC and NYC they fucks with nothing but Starbucks, Coca Cola, and Fiji water.

Monie, say what!?

Oh yes!! They are brand whores for real. I implore you to keep reading!

Well damn, bitch-- why are you so mad about it?

Really, it’s a combination of a whole lot of things, but I ain't got time for all that.

The main reason I’m so mad is because I KNOW for a fact (ok, maybe not a fact, but I have a strong ass feeling) that these ho’s are holding no less than $40 bucks after they done got through a day’s “work”.

Story time.
Yesterday, the 21st century nomad that posts up by my job asked me to spare some change. Now, I have watched old boy very closely since I’ve begun working at my job.

Every morning around 7:30 I see him sipping STARBUCKS coffee or Frappuccinos.

Every evening he’s across the street from Starbucks posted up in front of CVS panhandling for bus fare, snacks, and the cold drink of his choice. Make note that he only panhandles evenings.

What’s on his agenda in the mornings??

Mmmhmm.



Dick suckin’ and crack smokin’.
Swallow it, gargle it.



Sometimes I see this ho ass fucka on the bus. He rides it 3 whole stops and gets off. And! Wait for it….he wears an exceptionally clean pair of Jordans. Yes. JORDANS. I kid you not.



See, I’d respect ‘em more, and would probably even dip into my pocket *blankdamnstare* if these bastards told the truth or didn’t yell out demands to me.



So now that you have the background on this mafucka--- continue on.

Anywho, when he begged for my money I kindly told him that I debit everything and don’t carry cash. Which is true. Right now I exactly One Cent in my wallet, 2 void checks and $10 Jamaican dollars which is probably equivalent to…half a cent. Dead ass. After I said this to old boy, he yelled out something that left me fuckin’ flabbergasted.

Wooo chile, tell us what he said!

Sheeeiit…would I be me if I didn’t?

This muthafucka said,

“Well when you go inside bring me back out a Coca Cola!”

Say whaaaaa?!

*In my best Solange voice*

Homeless don’t beg no mo’/ They be makin’ requests oh noo

Yes, ladies! This fool didn’t even ask for something to drink, he demanded his choice of soda. Mind you, if I had, it would mean I’d have to walk in the opposite direction of where I’m going. He got a lot of nerve! I guess not having a home doesn’t stop a man from acting like a man, huh? *blank.damn.stare*

Just for kicks, I looked at the price of Coke and it was $1.79, which probably after tax brings it up to $2.00 and change. Part of me wanted to go back and elbow buss him in his dusty ass head. Because I can do a whole lot of shit with two dollars.

Let me break down the value of $2.00 in Monie’s world:

- That’s one day’s travel to and from work (or at least it was until Metro hiked fares yesterday—thanks ya bastards)

- A four piece chicken nuggets and fries at the Golden Arches—which Monie’s fat ass shouldn’t be eating, but still.

- One load of clothes washed (or dried) in the laundry room

- One can of frozen concentrated juice which I am forced to buy thanks to this severe case of broketivity I’m experiencing

- A box of Rice-a-roni. You know, The San Francisco Treat? Yeah, that shit

- A small Lucerne brand coffee creamer. I need this off brand shit for my coffee. So I can stay awake at work while I stay busy pretending to be busy

- Not just one, but two bags of sliced bread.

- 3 international text messages at.60 cents each.

.

Seriously, I could go on forever, but ya’ll get my point


“I coulda been alright by now if it wasn’t for H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S ”

*Monie blows bangs out of her eyes*

Later ya’ll. I know u loved these pics--- especially Khaki dearest :)

The Set Up: Nigerian Email Scam

Hey Ya'll!
(yup, i know. back to back posts!)

I just wanna vent about Spam blocker not doing its job.

Yesterday I received the following African fuckery in my inbox:

Subject: I HAVE REGISTERED YOUR CONSINGMENT WITH THE PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE / Call me: Tel: +234-802525-4563

*Monie lights herself two cigarettes and puts her Klonopin on the table. It might be one of those… times*

What in the Amistad?!?!?!!?!

Keep us free!!

My imagination ran wild, and this is what happened in my mind:

Monie: First, what the hell is a “conSINGment”? Second, the “Parcel Express Company Courier Service”—that joint needs an acronym. Too much is going on. And last, there’s no “+” sign on my phone, so I can’t even call to verify this shit.

Carry on ya'll…


Mr. Wilson:

Hello,

I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirmable Bank cheque of (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS ) but I did not hear from you since for a couple of weeks now. Then I went to the bank to confirm if the draft has expired or getting near to the date of expire and Dr. Wilson the Director Bank of Africa told me that before the draft will get to your hand that it will expire.


(Just this once, I will ignore that hell of run on sentence)

*Lightbulb goes off in Monie’s head*

Monie: But it all makes mafuckin sense now!! This is where all the money Bank of America has been taking from me goes to!! To Africa!!

Look at 'im. It's a conspiracy. Imma tell ya'll what's really going on in this picture.

That smug mafucka is a Bank of America rep. He appears as if he's doing good by those babies, but I know the truth. He's a thief. Promising those kids my stolen two thousand united state dollars; filling them with promises of new cloths for their backs, toys, and food. These poor children. They have no idea he gives not a fuck. Kids, be warned! He will take it ALL; from the cloth on your back to the calluses on your feet!! Lawd jeezah!! You've been warned.

*Monie pops a Klonny-pin, pulls her wig off and sets it on her end table. Unbeknownst to Monie, Dinka with the help of Baby Bird Byron steal the wig and give it to the new woman in Dinka's life, Shantikafah.

She is thus pleased. *

I digress.

So yeah. A whole TWO MILLION UNITED STATE (no "s" ya'll) DOLLARS! This figure sounds like what they've taken from me over the years in overdraft fees. *shrug*

However, neither this Mr. Wilson (scroll down; that’s who this letter is from) or Dr. Wilson (hmm—wonder if they related?) has contacted me. I know I been tied up with school and moving and shit, but I would have remembered someone writing me about TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS owed to me.

Carry on…


Mr. Wilson: So I told him to cash the (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS) to cash payment to avoid losing this funds under expiration as I will be out of the country for an 11 Months Course and I will not come back till Ending of SEPTEMBER. 2011.

Monie: Mr Wilson; you are ever so thoughtful. I sure hope you got all 20s and 50’s. And 1’s too. Those are my favorite.

The thing is, I don’t know if I own a bag that can even hold all that cash. And I’m a "walker" (a person who doesn’t drive or ride a bike) so I don’t know if I will be able to carry all that. Oh wait!! You did say that the PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE (or the PECCS as I would like to call it) is gonna deliver the shit. My fault. Look at me getting ahead of myself.

And if I may ask, where are you going for 11 months?? You planning on sticking it to me and then going to live it up on the beach somewhere no doubt.


Mr. Wilson: What you have to do now is to contact PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your Consignment to you because of the expiring date. For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance premium so contact;

Directors Name: MR. JOHN WILLIAMS
Company’s Name: PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES
Email Address: (mrjohnw11000@vista.aero)
TELLPHONE: +234-802525 4563

Monie: Mr. Wilson—you hookin ya girl up! You paid for delivery and insurance. That’s whatsup.

*Blank Stare*

But I done told you, that I don’t have a “+” on my “tellphone”. How am I gonna get through to them to deliver this consignment? I guess I can always email him.

Mr. Wilson: The only money you will send to the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES to deliver your Consignment direct to your postal Address in your country is ($100USD) only being Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far.

Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $100USD ONLY.

I would have paid that but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage. You have to contact the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES now for the delivery of your PARCEL with this information bellow;

1, Full Name:
2, Address of Residence:
3, country from:
4, Telephone Number:
5, Occupation...

Monie: I will try not to let anyone deceive me to pay anything other than the $100 USD. Do you have copies of the receipts showing you paid for insurance and delivery? Just in case they try to make me pay? Also, I’m confused, now. Is it “Parcel Express Company Courier Service or just Parcel Express Courier Service”? Anyway, thanks for letting me know you would have paid if you could. You’re very thoughtful, Mr. Wilson. Why didn’t you give them my info though? I mean, surely you have that. You’re privy to everything else…


Mr. Wilson: Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and Direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package over there, that will be after you paid the Security Keeping Fee and when it will get to your address. Let me repeat again, Try contact them as soon as you receive this mail and ask them how you will make the security fee of $100USD to them to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $100USD for their immediate action.

Monie: I dunno about this Mr. Wilson… I smell a setup. You know I live in DC, like 4 blocks from the White House… and they have a way of finding out everything. Them some bad muthas if you didn’t know. I mean, President Obama seems really, really nice— it’s them other hos in the Cabinet that I don’t trust.


**takes hard puff of cigarette**

I just don’t wanna do nothing to mess up the (second ) start of my grown woman life. I fucked up the first one pretty badly, and now I have no couch, no bed, microwave, or electric tea kettle… and crack wasn't even involved!!

But that’s a whole nother story.

So yeah, no matter how much that TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS sounds, I like the happy state of mind that I’m in (most of the time) now.

Mr. Wilson: Note this. The PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES don't know the contents of the Box.
I registered it as a BOX of Africa cloths. They did not know the content was money? Only Dr. John knew this as confidential agreement between me and him because he advice me so, this is to avoid them delaying with the BOX. Don’t let them Know that the box content is money okay.

Monie: Mr. Wilson, you sneaky dog!! Both you and Dr. Wilson!! But why are you asking me “they did not know the content was money?” Did they, or is that just a typo. Mr. Wilson, I don’t want no trouble, you hear me?? NO TROUBLE!! I won’t let them or anyone know the box content is money. Just ordinary... African... CLOTHS.

It can be like , our little secret.

Mr. Wilson: You are to make the payment of $100 Dollars in the name of the PARCEL accountant officer (MR DABO STEVEN) for the security payment/keeping fee of your package with this payment details below:

Receiver Name: MR DABO STEVEN
Receiver Address: NO.32 GROVERS CRESCENT, ABUJA NIGERIA
Sender's Name: Your Name
Sender's Address:
Amount To be Sent: $100 usd
Text Question to be used: HOW ARE YOU
Text Answer: FINE
M.T.C.N. ( Ten Digit Number )

Monie: So is Mr. Dabo Steven in on the take as well? Or did he already get his portion of the money? Cause I’m gonna count this here currency and if it doesn’t add up to TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS Imma have some questions for you and Mr. Steven.
Bad gyal don't fear. * snarl*

I will make note not to put a question mark after the text question “how are you”. I am not trying to cause further delay with this BOX.

Mr. Wilson: Make sure you send to me the payment information, which was given to you via Western Union or Money Gram.

Monie: I didn't get anything form Western Union or Money gram. Please resend. I'll more than likely use Western Union, since I’m a Western Union PRO.
*brushing dirt off shoulders*
No problem!

Mr. Wilson:You are advice to send the money today so as to avoid any delay from delivery your package to your door step. Package arrives to your doorstep in 48hrs.

Monie: Oh wow, only 48 hours…. coming from Nigeria??? You can pretty much send a BOX at light speed now I guess. That don’t sound right, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson: As soon as you make the payment of Security Keeping fee of $100USD ask them to give you your tracking number, for proper verification to avoid mistake.

This is the Couier Company website: pescnig.net

And you can call me Agent for more info +234-802525-4563

Yours Faithfully,
MR. SCOTT WILLIAMS

Monie: Um, Agent? Hold the fuck up.

I definitely need some more info. I looked at the website, and saw a mafuckin horse with a PARCEL on its back. Like some real Pony Express type shit was going on, on that website.

And if that’s the way you’re sending my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS, I'd rather we go about this in some other way. I’m quite sure it’s not gonna get here in 48 hours. Additionally, this can't be safe. No matter how much insurance you put on it.
I'm sure the horse is gonna get hungry on its way here from Nigeria. And I'm not sure whether they send the horse with food or not, but I'm not tryna fuck around with a hungry horse and have him eat my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS.

No, no, NO!! Especially after I paid my hard earned (ok, so it's Financial Aid) $100 dollars down!

Please email me in regards to the questions that I have. You can call me at 301______. Please do not put a “+” in front of my number, or you won’t be able to contact me.

Thanks.

Frightfully,

Monie

*sigh*

Dear God, it's me, Monie...
i can't.

Fuck the First-- A Dedication to CKO Kickboxing Gym. And Sprint Too

Hey Ya'll!

*Monie plops down on couch, sighs, and blows her wig bangs out of her eyes*

heheheheheheheh :)

Many people look forward to the first of the month. For some it means welfare checks; for others, it’s the start of something fresh. *Monie pours a double shot of Vodka, gulps it down--- and throws body on the floor; squirming in anguish from the burn in her chest*

Anywho, as I was saying; first of the month is always no bueno.

Monie always dreads the first, and here's why:

Several wretched things happen on the first of the month, particularly surrounding my bank account.

It is my theory that Bank of America and CKO Kickboxing gym have a meeting on the last day of the previous month to see which ways they’re going to bend me over, fuck me, and take once cent over the amount needed to throw me into a negative balance and then charge me for “extended overdraft fees”. It is my belief that they take the small sum of money that probably totals no more than $31, split it amongst themselves and buy pepperoni pizza and Sprite.


I could be wrong though. *shrug*

(Damn, that pizza look good as shit--- I can lightweight understand why they're doing this now!)

:/
I digress.

The first of the month is a time for broke-ness.

And as a result of broke-ness; a time for aggravation ; a time for fantasies about running up in Sprint stores, CKO Kickboxing, and Bank of America locations rocking a multi colored weave; gold tooth, mad bangles on my arm, and a ring on each finger--- and behaving like the most gutta Jamaican-Fulton-Street-in-Brooklyn type of hood rat; spouting off all types of "bumboclaats" and “pussyclaaats” and whipping hydrochloric acid out of my purse and threatening to splash it on everyone and turn them into "monkeys".


But, these fantasies never come to life because:

A) I don’t drive, and have no desire to get on public transportation just to tell people about their mothers. It's fucking cold outside, and I’m anemic.

B) Hoodboogaism does not live in me. I came up upper-middle class, and I’m not in the habit of fronting.

C) I have no access to hydrochloric acid :(

D) I’m insanely clumsy, and would probably end up splashing my damn self with the acid.

It’s just not a good look.

So anyway...

In standard first of month fashion, I fire up my PC and begrudgingly log into Bank of America with my forehead mad wrinkled up like old man ass cheeks, and wait to see a negative balance as a result of some fuckery that should not be charged.

And there it is:

Sticking out in red:
Pending ACH HOLD CLUB KO COPIA GUE CLUB FEES ON 02/01 Debit Pending -$64.09

$136.60
*This is where Monie gets to carrying on like a Baptist (or Pentecostal) church woman at a funeral* (For those of you who don’t know; that means lots of LOUD wailing, pacing, shouting, arms flailing and carrying on)

Even though I am home alone right now, I still don’t carry on this way.

I like to believe I’m type dignified and shit.

*Mo lifts wig, and scratches scalp good and hard, then straightens wig back up*

*giggle*

The one good thing about today is I'm not in the negative (thanks FINAID, pending and all, just knowing you will be in there available to me soon-- you complete thee) ; however, I know I'm supposed to have about 200 dollars in there. And I need that 200 dollars.

Because I also have to pay those pussyholes up at Sprint about 100 after taxes on the 1st.

So instead of bringing embarrassment and shame upon my mama for ending up on the news because I carried on with the aforementioned hood-booga antics, I log onto Better Business Bureau's website and file a complaint.



Woe is mo :,(


on another note... moving on Friday :))) WOoohoooo!!

oh. got me a lil boyfriend too. i told myself i wasn't gonna talk about him. at least not until he shows his ass :)

LaterGators! :)