Conspiracies and shit...

As tired as I am, I feel the need to express myself. Bam, no intro; just read it raw with no vaseline.


Take dat, take dat, bad boys. :/

The following fucked up randoms and conspiricies have crossed my mind lately:

1. The Dream looks like Hamburglar.




2. Flava Flav is Gucci Mane's father. You can't say shit to convince me otherwise.


3. Nuvo aint nothing but Ripple 2009. Lmao @ all ya'll hoodboogas posing drinking it up in the clubhouse.



Designed to destroy all ya'll. Cause I don't drink that shit.

4. An ugly nigga is never worth your time. Or your vagina. You will live to regret it.

5. Neither is one who doesn't take trips to the dentist. You know the type. Teeth look like Reptar from Rugrats.

If he can't take care of his teeth, he can't take care of you.

6. Mario better have some health-related reason as to why he's running around with his head looking like that.


7. Univ. of MD was created to wreck my social life and leave me lonely. Fuck ya'll. I haven't been able to hold a decent conversation with anyone since the beginning of this year.

8. I'm falling asleep ya'll. But the fucked up part is as soon as I hit the bed and turn the lights out, Imma be wide awake like a Bronx crackhead at 5:17 in the morning.


9. Mc Donald's and BET have been conspiring with each other on how they can bring us down as a people.


As a future marketer, I hope I never have to add to the fuckery.
But if I were a total idiot I'd do the following.
Picture it:
*in my Ad exec voice*

Juice Man, Gucci Mane ...dancing! ....I'm thinking jingle... something like....

"Quarter Pounder with cheese/Pickles, onions hey!/ One Dollar Sweet Tea/Apple Pie/Yay!"

Then I'd watch sales go through the roof :(

10. I am going to bed. Because clearly all this work and lack of sleep is making me crazy.

Later All!!
monie ♥

lax & late, but Dear God, I'm here!! Like Miss Cielie

...but dear God... I'm here!!!!

Hey my fellow bloggies :D

I feel like I've been gone so long. That damn UMUC is interfering with our relationship, ya'll!! So glad I'm only taking this one class this semester, cause honeys ...

*stomp*

I feel like I'm on the plantation.

Glad to read that most of ya'll are doing well. I do read; may not always comment, but I read from my reading list :D

In other events---
Fourth of July weekend was cool. Me and K hit up this club in the Hamptons, snuck into the VIP (I'm still wondering how) all because she wanted to meet Trey Songz. Now as some ya'll know, I was quite mad at Trey (click that there) , but after seeing how handsome he was in person, I'm a little more forgiving. In fact, I'd even add him to the "I'd Smash" list. And I shall... in the next edition. Stay tuned for that...

Facebook Drama
*Baptist Preacher-esque stomp and spin*

Lawd, lawd, LAWD!!!!

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago out this mafucka, cause I have some questions!?

Oh, there she go. Carmen, sleuth this shit out for me, please!

So why did Old Head and his "woman" try to bring the insanity into Monie's world the other day via facebook?? This girl wrote me, pouring out her heart.

Now, if you can or can't remember, click that there) when I was first introduced to her she snubbed the shit out of me, so now it's funny that she's here spilling out her relationship woes to the kid. I won't post it all, because the joint was long as hell, but I feel really bad for her.

Apparently, Old Head is abusive, disrespectful, a cheater, and a liar. As per his woman, "he has a sex addiction, a fat bitch addiction, and has betrayed me in the worst ways"

Mnh-sha-na-na-na! Sojourner Truth they telling lies, and I'm glad the ho ain't mine!!!

I mean, I pretty much knew all of that except the abuse part. I have no love for an abusive man. None. I don't even want to speak to him anymore. After she wrote me, I called him to ask him what the hell his problem was, and he had not one valid answer. Then after I get off the phone w/ him he's emailing me telling me he wants to fuck.

Uh, I think not, Old Nigga.

He's one of them dudes that like to play childish games and make a woman feel insecure. All I can say is, God never makes a mistake. I am so glad I didn't end up in a relationship w/ his crazy ass. One of us would be seriously injured... and I'm not talking about myself.

What else.. what else?? Oh, yes, #4... ya'll probably won't be hearing about him anymore. We had a somewhat amicable parting via text message. I wanted to do it by phone, but, I wasn't wasting my phone bill on his ass.

Like a lot of you commented on the last post, he ain't shit. I'm taking Pop Pop's advice and "throwing water on him." He was just getting all kinds of out of hand and wreckless; talking to me out his neck. I can't do it. He's too damn far away to be causing drama. You can't tell these men that they have good cockgame, I swear. It gets to their head and they start acting like their dick is more golden than Michael Jackson's casket.

You could have the platinum dick out this mafucka, I won't tolerate it.

I might still fuck ya, lls, but I won't tolerate not being treated like a princess.

See, I'm like Ariel, I don't wear a crown. That's like, sooo retro! *rolls eyes* :D

So yeah, I require lots of attention, affection, compliments... all that good stuff. When I don't get that, I roar. I'm a Leo *shrug* and we're like that. Regardless or not if its a jump off. I treat my jump offs pretty well, if I do say so. References available upon request (kidding :D )
I talk to them like they matter, and sometimes I even hug them! Now since I was feeling #4 I gave him treatment a little bit above this. And look at what I get.

Someone bring the imaginary donkey from the back, please.

*Enter pet donkey*

Donkey: Hee haw, hee haw, bitch!*

Yeah, thanks.

*exit Donkey*

I guess I'mma have to keep shit real sub-standard the next time around. Hopefully there will be no next time around , and I'll be settled down. I'm claiming it.

Well, that's it for now, kiddies. 15 minute break, then back to my grind. Hopefully I'll have some tales from this weekend. Going on one of those Mohican Sun-Lobster Fest bus trips that leave from BK and BX. Should be a lot of interesting characters. :D

♥ Monie!

i'd fuck 'im and other random shit

"i'm too live, nasty as i wanna be"- jay z

well dammit, me too Jigga.


i'd fuck:


Willie Day 26




Hose me down, Daddy! I watched that "I'm gon put it on her" video yesterday, and Willie looked gooder than a hot Toll House cookie with a side of milk and a napkin!!
Willie could get it butt nekkid on a sack cloth in a barn yard.
He makes you just wanna bathe in some Petite Nate and spread eagle!

(Yeah, my fellow 80s babies remember Petite Nate, the bath time groove, lls)

*this is Jean Nate. apparently Petite, Jean's baby cousin done got discontinued*


anywho...

additionally, i'd fuck (in no particular order):


nate parker pride, great debators




he got that big ass nose, but his teeth are gawgeous! And. He got a phatty. I saw it in Pride, and there it was again while I watched the Great Debators. He got one of those nice asses that sits on high, and don't drop too low. You see his joint, and wanna do a pelvic thrust; cause you imagine how good it would feel to hold it in the palms of your hand while he's on top of you.

kevin phillips also apart of the cast of Pride, Notorious

he looks like he could be related to willie. he got that thickness to him that i like. and it look like he packing something. tilt your head, and lean in close. Look at it! Look at that bulge!!


and on the old nigga side; also from the cast of Pride (yo, what's wrong with me!?),

terrence howard



Why? He just looks nasty; the cat-eyed mafucka. He's got that "I'm an asshole" thing going, which I'm very attracted to.
*shrug*
No wonder I'm in the state that I'm in.


So I guess it's a wonderful thing I was not in film production for the movie Pride--- else it woulda been a whole lotta fuckin' and suckin' going on. Bwahahaaaa!! Ahem!!


Moving along...


pimpin' IS easy


word to shaft, as the girl Lil Kim would say, Old Head called asking to be in my stable. not in these words of course, but he knows the deal.

i got a phone call from him this morning asking which number he was. I told him I hadn't placed him with a number because we don't mess, and he has a girlfriend.

he laughed about the fact she was downstairs as he was calling me (trifling), telling me that he's been thinking about what life would be like if he had made it official with me.

*yawn*

I told him he'd never know now. He tells me he wants a number, so I let him know everyone starts off at 5.

Presto! I got #5. when I make my way to DC in July I know I'll be on the receiving end of some HGR (head game ridiculous) from him. He's really great at it; like he's been practicing since birth. this is no big win, as he is an old ho (literally and figuratively).


We shall all celebrate when I reel in some fresh fish, ok?

and then...

i did some type-foul shit


i called up my ex for the trife ass stunt he pulled while in jamaica, and he's still on some pussy-ass nigga shit a month later; acting like he didn't hear me on the phone. this pissed me the fuck off. no lie, the anger i felt was trance-like.


so i text him the following:


u a coward. keep pretending you cant hear when i call. your job is gonna love to hear what i got to say and read what i got to write. it's your turn to be the fool.


i figured i'd fuck with his livlihood. am i going to call and make false complaints/email with harassment shit? maybe not. depends on whether i have time after all my school work and extracurricular shit is done.


naw, honestly, i don't think i will. despite everything, i try to live right. i try to do right, as i consider myself one of God's inperfect children. however, if you knew my history with him--- you'd tell me to go for it. i mean, i knew he'd give me some bullshit ass excuse, but i wanted to be able to refute it w/ lots of "muthafuckas", "bitch ass nigga's" and "you-aint-shits".....just to make me feel like we settled the score, knaamean? besides-- i'm too lazy (and broke) for the type of effort that would take.

Lord, please forgive me. I shouldn't have done it. Help me to stop seeking get-back and just leave his idiot behind alone. Amen.


that's all. i just wanted to express how i was feeling today. confess my sins, ya know? iwuvsyouguys!


besos ninos!
xoxomonie!

Bitch, Ask Your Husband!

Hey Blog muffins!! I can't even recap the Ohio trip, because the following fuckery occured and trumped its importance. I give to you:

Bitch, Ask Your Husband-- Don't text me with the bullshit. Enjoy!


Let me hit you with the following excerpt from a traditional wedding vow…



Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind. It is intended for their mutual joy – and for the help and comfort given on another in prosperity and adversity. But more importantly – it is a means through which a stable and loving environment may be attained.



Through marriage, Ho Ass Nigga and Illiterate Ass Ho make a commitment together to face their disappointments – embrace their dreams – realize their hopes – and accept each other’s failures. Ho Ass Nigga and Illiterate Ass Ho will promise one another to aspire to these ideals throughout their lives together – through mutual understanding – openness – and sensitivity to each other.


Now, my name ain’t Ho Ass Nigga, and it fa sho ain’t Illiterate Ass Ho, so why do I get asked the following fuckery by Illiterate Ass Ho in the wee hours of the morning??


Picture it:

2:27 am; your insomniac ass awakes to see the following text message coming from some trollop-ass nigga that gave you his number:




“Helo mo y are you textn my husband at 3 am”


* Everybody all together now, chime in audience style: *

“BITCH, ASK YOUR HUSBAND!”

*Family Fued style *ding! * goes off*

Ughhh!!

There I was, not only aggravated by the illiteracy of the text message, but aggravated because she is asking me why I’m texting him.

Now my first reaction was to text-thug the bitch and read her.

The old Mo would have set the QWERTY keypad on fire with something like:

“Because he likes me. He thinks I’m sexy. You should see me. I totally agree.”

or

“What the fuck? You need to go ask your man why he’s texting me back at 3:02 in the morning. He gave me his number, and seems to be unaware of the fact that the two of you are married. You should have a talk with him, and I should not be included, as I am not apart of your marriage union. Clearly, there is something amiss in your relationship. Don’t call or text my phone either because I ain’t responsible for how you're going to feel when we get done talking.”

Not too mean, but nasty enough to warrant drama, which is something I want no part of.

However, therapy has taught me to wait a while before taking action, since I am an impulsive mafucka.

So around 2:30 I politely text back:

“Hello to you…wow! Because he didn’t tell me he was anyone’s husband. Since that’s the case, he can lose my #! Thx!




After all the nice little vows he agreed to, she should be asking him, not me. I don’t owe any explanations because:

I did not take any vows

I didn’t exchange any bodily fluids with him – particularly because he didn’t meet my “looks requirement”... plus it was the week of the 12th-- ya'll know what that means!

Jagged Edge was not playing while I was meeting anyone at the alter in my white dress

My ring finger- nobody has yet to like it enough to put anything there.

Bitch, I don't know you! ( which should be #1 on this list)




I try my best not to home-wreck; I really do. When this woman’s husband was talking all kinds of shit to me, calling me “his wife” (what irony!) I asked him specifically HOW MANY WOMEN did he have. He said he had none. Of course I didn’t believe this, but my thing is this:

Don’t lie. Be honest. Honesty is the biggest turn on next to a big dick and a smile.

There’s plenty of women out there who don’t mind fucking with married niggas (not me).

There’s a vast sea of mistresses out there just waiting to get slayed on a mattress at the Comfort Inn. Just not me.

I think I'm going to call him one last time and refer him to my rules on how to step out on your woman. Go'n and click that there.


I shall also let him reference my supplement Stepping Out: How to Avoid Being A Donkey Click that there when you're done!

Smdh!! Contrary to popular belief, I’m a good girl-- for the most part. It’s just that something about me screams side bitch to these dudes. It might be the things I say. Could be the way I dance. Maybe I got that ho- walk? Either way, I shall discuss this at therapy. And this my friends, is why a bitch can’t ever cease sessions.

Reference:
http://www.weddingplanninglinks.com/planning/traditionalweddingvows.html


ps- to my new followers, thank you!! i shall be reading up and subscribing to you guys!! xoxox monie!

The Adventures of Paw Paw

If there's one person on this earth that I can count on to entertain my silliness... and take it there with me, it's Pop Pop. From day one, he's obliged my silly-side, and for that (and other reasons) I love him.

Because most people think my silliness borders on retardation, lol.


Sometimes while he's at work, and I'm doing school work we get on IM and start talking about one thing. Something typed, leads to a joke, and sometimes a damn screenplay. One day we were making fun of the VP of his job, poking fun at the fact that he's old (i know; we're dicks, sue us) , and how he should put him on the list for Old Country Buffet specials.

Look where this one retarded joke took us:

POPPOP (1:17:13 PM): eeeelllo
SimoneDior (1:18:19 PM): what it do?
SimoneDior (1:18:28 PM): you chillin and thangs?
POPPOP (1:19:11 PM): I wish. You know I never chill while I'm here
SimoneDior (1:19:25 PM): true
SimoneDior (1:19:40 PM): i told you to give vp them coupons..then you could chill
SimoneDior (1:19:43 PM): hehe
POPPOP (1:20:24 PM): I tried... but his old ass is out cause he ran over a stop sign in his Buick


SimoneDior (1:21:27 PM): "I like things that I can remember"
POPPOP (1:22:03 PM): LOL

POPPOP (1:22:36 PM): *slowly rolls over stop sign while nodding steadily to Lena Horne playing from his cassette player*
SimoneDior (1:22:42 PM): (lMFAO, not the cassette player!)

SimoneDior (1:23:13 PM): *feeling good; turns it up, and runs through a red light*
SimoneDior (1:23:34 PM): *leaves 3 car accident behind, as Lena sings the blues*
POPPOP (1:26:48 PM): LOL

SimoneDior (1:27:41 PM): (lol... i feel an airbag getting ready to pop out soon... he is doing the most in that Buick)
POPPOP (1:28:50 PM): *feels good cuase lena horne is a piece of tail that he can actually remember*
SimoneDior (1:29:00 PM): lmbao
SimoneDior (1:29:05 PM): "piece of tail"


SimoneDior (1:29:35 PM): *rubs his right hand over his crotch*
POPPOP (1:29:54 PM): lol
SimoneDior (1:29:56 PM): *no rise*
SimoneDior (1:30:10 PM): *shrugs and continues driving*
POPPOP (1:30:33 PM): *rubs right hand over crotch and thinks* "if only you'd wake up" *hangs head*
POPPOP (1:30:42 PM): lol
POPPOP (1:30:43 PM): (lol)
POPPOP (1:30:47 PM): (u stupid)
SimoneDior (1:31:17 PM): lmmfao


SimoneDior (1:31:34 PM): *shakes leg, car swerves*
SimoneDior (1:31:46 PM): Old Man cries: Wake up, dammit
SimoneDior (1:31:59 PM): *Lena wails in the background*
POPPOP (1:32:27 PM): lmao
SimoneDior (1:33:00 PM): uh oh..
SimoneDior (1:33:32 PM): *vigorous shaking and rubbing causes old man to swerve onto the sidewalk, knocking down 3 adults and a dog*
SimoneDior (1:34:06 PM): Old man shakily screams: Ahh-huhuhhh
POPPOP (1:34:22 PM): LOL

SimoneDior (1:34:34 PM): *Buick crashes through Macy*s display window*
SimoneDior (1:34:44 PM): *Penis is FINALLY hard*
SimoneDior (1:34:49 PM): *Lena continues to sing*
POPPOP (1:34:49 PM): LOL


SimoneDior (1:35:07 PM): Old Man: I always knew the old boy still had it
SimoneDior (1:35:13 PM): *Old man hangs head and passes out*

POPPOP (1:36:01 PM): *Old man puts the buick in reverse and looks left and then right* "where am I? I remember there being a Sears & Roebuck around here" *makes a right turn and proceeds to search for the Sears
SimoneDior (1:36:43 PM): LMMFAO
SimoneDior (1:36:55 PM): NOT Sears AND Roebuck!!!

SimoneDior (1:37:20 PM): *circles around the block 9 times*
POPPOP (1:37:26 PM): LOL
POPPOP (1:38:17 PM): *circles the block an additional time and scratches head* "where am I? I remember there being a Sears & Roebuck around here" "makes a right turn and proceeds to search for the Sears AGAIN!*


SimoneDior (1:38:45 PM): *circles block an additional 3 times*
SimoneDior (1:38:56 PM): *calls his grand daughter*
POPPOP (1:39:07 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:39:24 PM): *LOUDLY*
Jenny?!
POPPOP (1:39:31 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:39:40 PM): Jenny: Yes Paw Paw
SimoneDior (1:39:55 PM): Old Man: Wheres that Sears & Roebuck?
SimoneDior (1:40:00 PM): Jenny: Where??
POPPOP (1:40:13 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:40:17 PM): Paw Paw shouts: SEARS AND ROEBUCK DAMMIT, SEARS AND ROEBUCK!!!

POPPOP (1:40:48 PM): Jenny: Calm down paw paw. I don't know what that store is.
SimoneDior (1:40:59 PM): PawPaw: WHADYA MEAN???!
POPPOP (1:41:03 PM): Paw Paw: It's where I bought your first corset!!!
SimoneDior (1:41:07 PM): LMMFAO

SimoneDior (1:41:23 PM): Jenny: Corset?
POPPOP (1:41:31 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:41:55 PM): *Paw Paw angrily hangs up phone. *
POPPOP (1:42:03 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:42:13 PM): I'll teach you to play with me!
I'm gonna wear that hide when i get home
SimoneDior (1:42:32 PM): *Paw Paw shifts and eases his Depends wedgie from his butt*
POPPOP (1:43:45 PM): Narrator: Unbeknownst to Paw Paw, he has shifted his Depends a bit too far and proceeds to drive home shitting in his pants leg the entire way.
SimoneDior (1:43:58 PM): Lmmfao!! you gotta love the Narrator

POPPOP (1:45:02 PM): LOL... I know. He always sets shit straight
SimoneDior (1:45:11 PM): LITERALLY
SimoneDior (1:45:12 PM): lol
POPPOP (1:45:38 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:45:42 PM): *Paw Paw pulls into the driveway, turns car off, opens the door, and puts one leg out to stand*
SimoneDior (1:45:54 PM): *A sea of shit falls out his pant leg*
POPPOP (1:45:56 PM): LMAO

POPPOP (1:46:11 PM): I already KNEW where you were going with that one
SimoneDior (1:46:15 PM): Paw Paw: GABDAMMIT GABDAMMIT GABDAMMIT!!!
SimoneDior (1:46:17 PM): lmao
POPPOP (1:46:58 PM): lmao
SimoneDior (1:47:01 PM): *shouts for his wife*

SimoneDior (1:47:27 PM): PawPaw: ABIGAIL! I DONE MESSED UP MY PANTS AND THE BRAND NEW BUICK!
SimoneDior (1:47:41 PM): *Abigail runs to the porch*
SimoneDior (1:48:04 PM): Abigail: GABDAMMIT GABDAMMIT GABDAMMIT!!!!!!!!! WHO'S GONNA CLEAN UP THIS SHIT!
POPPOP (1:48:13 PM): LMAO @ Abigail

SimoneDior (1:48:19 PM): Not me! Maude and I are going to Old Country Buffet
SimoneDior (1:48:35 PM): Paw Paw: OLD COUNTRY BUFFET???? WITH WHAT MONEY??
SimoneDior (1:48:52 PM): Abigail: my social security like its any of your business
SimoneDior (1:49:06 PM): PawPaw: but you said we'd use that to get a new antennae for the tv
POPPOP (1:49:14 PM): LOL

SimoneDior (1:49:28 PM): Abigail: old slew footed man! Aint you heard. The whole nations gone digital!

SimoneDior (1:50:31 PM): Abigail: I guess I'm gonna have to ask Maude for a ride. You shat in the new Buick!
POPPOP (1:50:32 PM): Paw Paw: Digital? There you go again with your confounded nick nacks and doo dads. Go turn on the HAM radio so I can listen to the lone ranger.
SimoneDior (1:50:42 PM): LMMFAO
SimoneDior (1:50:43 PM): LMMFAO
SimoneDior (1:50:44 PM): LMMFAO
SimoneDior (1:50:55 PM): LMAO@ DOO DADS
SimoneDior (1:51:00 PM): AND LONE RANGER
SimoneDior (1:51:21 PM): *Abigail holds her nose and steps past him*: Lone Ranger don't come on no more
SimoneDior (1:51:27 PM): *mutters*
SimoneDior (1:51:29 PM): Dumb ass
POPPOP (1:51:41 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:51:43 PM): Paw Paw: I HEARD THAT! I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID BOUT WHAT YOU THINK!
POPPOP (1:51:50 PM): LOL


POPPOP (1:52:17 PM): Paw Paw: Huh? What?
SimoneDior (1:52:25 PM): Paw Paw: I'mma teach you a lesson. Im gon, I'm gon..
POPPOP (1:52:30 PM): Abigail: I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING!!!
SimoneDior (1:52:40 PM): Paw Paw: Aww yes you did!
POPPOP (1:52:40 PM): Paw Paw: WHERE'S MY CORN BEEF?!?!
SimoneDior (1:52:46 PM): lmbao

POPPOP (1:52:50 PM): Abigail: What?
SimoneDior (1:52:52 PM): not corned beef, lmbao!

SimoneDior (1:53:10 PM): Paw Paw: if I could bend down I'd throw this shit on the back of your dress!
SimoneDior (1:53:16 PM): I SAY WHERES MY CORN BEEF?
SimoneDior (1:53:18 PM): BITCH!
POPPOP (1:53:36 PM): LOL
POPPOP (1:53:37 PM): LOL

POPPOP (1:53:56 PM): I'm trying SOOOOOO HARD not to bust out laffing right now
SimoneDior (1:54:46 PM): shhhhhhhhhhhh!!
SimoneDior (1:54:47 PM): lol
SimoneDior (1:55:29 PM): Abigail: who you callin a bitch?? U.N.I.T.Y...
SimoneDior (1:55:31 PM): lol
POPPOP (1:55:40 PM): LMAO
POPPOP (1:56:03 PM): Paw Paw: U-N-I-T.... U.... Unicorn????
SimoneDior (1:56:07 PM): lmfao

SimoneDior (1:56:17 PM): Abigail: Unicorn? You fool!
SimoneDior (1:56:39 PM): Abigail: U-N-I-T-Y spells uniform!
SimoneDor (1:56:42 PM): dumb ass!
SimoneDior (1:56:52 PM): Paw Paw: I aint gon be too many more dumb asses
SimoneDior (1:57:11 PM): Say it again.. and I'mma withhold mah johnson!
POPPOP (1:57:32 PM): LOL
POPPOP (1:57:46 PM): LMAO @ spells uniform
POPPOP (1:57:54 PM): LMMFAO @ mah johnson
SimoneDior (1:58:11 PM): lmao
POPPOP (1:58:20 PM): Abigail: Your johnson? I don't even remember what your johnson SMELLS like
SimoneDior (1:58:25 PM): lmao

SimoneDior (1:58:39 PM): Paw Paw: You wasn't saying that last night!!
SimoneDior (1:58:48 PM): Abigail: wasn't saying it last year neither..
POPPOP (1:58:54 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:58:57 PM): lol
POPPOP (1:59:23 PM): Abigail: and for the record, last night you fell asleep in church and I left you there. You only THOUGHT you were at home.
SimoneDior (1:59:31 PM): (dizammmn!)
SimoneDior (1:59:32 PM): lmao
SimoneDior (1:59:54 PM): Paw Paw: NOW WHAT NOW?!
SimoneDior (1:59:59 PM): left me there?
SimoneDior (2:00:13 PM): You were probably off with George Lucas
SimoneDior (2:00:18 PM): giving him the poontang!
POPPOP (2:00:30 PM): LMAO
SimoneDior (2:00:33 PM): I aint forgot bout that time you cheated on me!
SimoneDior (2:00:38 PM): i ain't forgot
SimoneDior (2:00:39 PM): I ain't
SimoneDior (2:00:42 PM): uh..
SimoneDior (2:00:45 PM): what was I saying?
POPPOP (2:00:49 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (2:01:00 PM): Abigail: Lawd, keep me near the cross!
SimoneDior (2:01:24 PM): Abigail: move out of my way you shit tank! I gots to go!
POPPOP (2:01:44 PM): Abigail: I ain't forget about you either. Wagging your junk in front of Esther tryin to make it hard. You couldn't do nuthin anyway but it was THE PRINCIPLE.
SimoneDior (2:02:07 PM): lmmfao
SimoneDior (2:02:16 PM): (m in here DYING)
SimoneDior (2:02:54 PM): Paw Paw: She liked it though!
SimoneDior (2:03:03 PM): Abigail: Esther is blind, fool!
SimoneDior (2:03:15 PM): Paw Paw: SUMMA MA GUN!
POPPOP (2:03:16 PM): LMAO

SimoneDior (2:03:19 PM): lol
POPPOP (2:03:22 PM): (Now I'm in HERE dying)
SimoneDior (2:03:40 PM): i've GOTS to post this story in my blog one day
SimoneDior (2:03:43 PM): this is heedamnlarious
POPPOP (2:04:11 PM): yeah... I think it'll be hilarious
SimoneDior (2:04:16 PM): definitely
SimoneDior (2:04:41 PM): Paw Paw : So you really ain't gonna clean up mah shit?
SimoneDior (2:04:43 PM): lol
SimoneDior (2:04:47 PM): (sorry, i couldnt resist)

POPPOP (2:05:01 PM): LOL

SimoneDior (2:05:11 PM): lol
POPPOP (2:05:17 PM): Paw Paw: U... ur.... ur gonna clean mah shit!
SimoneDior (2:05:23 PM): LMMFAO

SimoneDior (2:05:36 PM): UR..UR GONNA CLEAN MY BUICK

LMMFAO, hot mess. Love you, Pop Pop. I'm still waiting on you to update your blog.. uh, yeah, thanks.

-Monie

A.D.I.D.A.S. - Giving trouble and Sexual Recaps

God is GOOD! I've finished those wretched papers. Now all I have is a final. There's a good chance I'll be doing it on the beach in Negril, but hey. You can't have it all, right?

Again, I want to thank you all that left me encouraging comments on my last post. I was feeling like a hot shitastrophic mess that day. I pretty much have my sleeping pattern in order again, so you probably won't read anything else that soft, pink, and desperate... until next month when I'm menstrual again. :-)

Other than that, everything is everything. I went to the Asian Toe Masters (ATMs) on Friday, and I am glad to report nobody's toe crumbs were splattered all over my little red flats or flip flops thank God.

A.D.I.D.A.S. - Giving Trouble-Sexual Recaps

So, sometimes when I'm feeling frisky I'll text my old bussdowns or hit 'em via facebook and flirt shamelessly with them. When your pussy gets no action, these are the types of things you resort to. Anywho...

I don't know why they fall for it everytime. They already know I'm not giving up the box, but they eat it up (no pun intended, lol) everytime.

Today I weighed in on Old Head and The Drunken Munchkin. I always like to even things out, hit up one in NY, and one in the DC area. One in Jamaica, one in Atlanta.

I like things balanced like that.

So anywho.

I hit up Old Head on the 'book. I call him Old Head 'cause he's like five years older than me, and still uses old school ass words like "twat" , "trap" , "cock", and "cutty".

I decided to mess with him since he changed his relationship from:

"It's Complicated" to "Single"

*word to the wise-- if you know your relationship is shaky, don't even advertise that joint on facebook. when Iam Anass shows up on my minifeed "Iam Anass is no longer in a relationship" I giggle, go over to your girlfriend's page who's page reads "It's complicated" and then gaffaw.

Sooo I decided to leave Old Head all types of flirtatious shit today.

It's not that I'm a homewrecker. It's more like getback. See, I used to tap that a while back until suddenly without notice he decided he wants to be in a relationship with this chick. According to him, he would have wanted to be with me, but she lived closer.

Lamest excuse I've ever heard.

Whatever.

But as always, I keep my game face on, and never let these hos/n---s know how it is I'm feeling, and keep shit pressing. Anyway, he throws a birthday party, and she's in the building. He goes to introduce us, and I hold out my hand to shake hers and the bitch turned around and walked off! Tres rude!!

See, I don't get some females. So what I used to smash that? You got him now, so there's no need for beef and bitch-like behavior towards me. This has happened to me more than 4 times that I can recall. None of these chicks should see me as a threat.

A girl should always want for her man to kick me to the side so he can be with her.

Because I have too much pride to allow him in back into my special place after that kind of nonsense.

And by my special place, I do not mean my heart.

I'm talking vagina, ya dig?

So ever since then, I don't respect her, and I make it a point to behave as inappropriately as I can towards Old Head.

Why? Cause I can. Besides, I'm completely harmless.

Then I text the Drunken Munchkin. We're talking about how we haven't seen each other in the gym lately. Well, actually I do see him. I just make it a point to not go over and say hi because I know he'll never stop talking. So I get up in his head and tell him I peeped him, but he didn't see me, and I might have to tap that again. Bwahahaa-- soo not true. So he texts back "you know I been trying to hit that again for the longest".

That'll never go down.

What can I say? I'm an entertainment whore. Plus its nice to know that there's always someone out there who wants to fuck you.

Even if you don't particularly want to fuck them.

So even though I'm hardcore celibate, sometimes I scroll through my phone to see who I'd tap one more time for old times sake.

There are only 2 of them, as I am picky, and my sex standards are higher than the Empire state. Plus, there aint all that many of them anyway. :-(

One is a definite no-no... and the other...oh snap... he's a definite no-no too!

Let's name them. I'll call one of them El Capricorn, since he's mixed with everything under the sun, and he is a Capricorn. The other one, let's christen him Thick-Brown-AMAZING.

This n--- El Capricorn be smashing out hos all the time, recapping it with me...plus he's married, one kid with his wife, and with another baby on the outside. He's my ace though; I just can't go there with him again.

I'm cautious about men whose sperm I know is in working order.

But aside from allllllladat, his dickgame was mindblowing. I smashed this in like 2003, ONE TIME and it's still that damn memorable.

Fellas, when you put it down, put it down PROPER. Because six years later, some old empty-pussy broad like myself might be recapping on the shit. LOLOL!

Sooo..

Thick-Brown-AMAZING... chiiiiile... I need a damn moment of silence for his dick.

*silence*

He's one of those men that...

*puffs imaginary clove, exhales*

swings his dick so damn good, you lightweight wanna share it with your bestest homegirl, just so she can have this experience of a lifetime as well. Thick-Brown-AMAZING is well-skilled in giving out multiple orgasms like its nothing, and has been blessed with the ability to knock the bottom out as well as rub the walls. Rare shit.

I never planned on hitting this (contrary to popular belief among frienemies) but when I did, it was quite a pleasant surprise. It was like seeing an Iberian Lynx. (Go'n and click that there, for those of you who don't know what an Iberian Lynx is)

He always made me feel like if I never had sex again, it just might be ok.

Perhaps this is why the 1 year and four month celibacy really isn't all that terrible??? Damn him, and his Iberian Lynx dick, damn him!!

Unfortunately, I can no longer depend upon neither El Capricorn or Thick-Brown-Amazing, as they are now responsible for navigating their respective wives/ g/fs vaginas---

(well, El Cap throws his dick everywhere, so not really him)

.... so I'll just tighten up the chastity belt and keep it moving with my memories.

Alright folks, enough dicktalk. I'm going to sleep. Got a meeting with school officials for one of my kiddies I tutor. Should be interesting.

xoxox-monie!

Statutory Rape-- I'mma get real personal

my little cousin (the one who runs away and wears the same dirty panties)..go'n and click that there... she's up to her old tricks.

She ran away like 2 weeks ago, and then again last friday. and i understand why no amount of ass whooping, screaming, shouting etc thrown at her by her mom and the rest of the family isn't working.

Because the dude she's running off with is older than her. How much older, I'm not sure, but he's definitely over 18. When she was over here she was bragging that he had money, and when I asked her how he got money she told me he worked in a bank with his mother.

I asked her how old he was and she said he's 17.

I told her to try again. We all know can't no 17 work in a bank!

She's only 15. She swears she's in love, but she's being taken advantage of. I know the story all too well. That was me when i was in 12th grade. and the dude who i was with was 25.

i want to share the following story because i know there are a few teens that follow this blog, and i would hate for them to get mixed up in the same type of shit.

Grab your cocoa mug-- it's storytime.

Statutory Rape Will Fuck Up Your Mental For A Long Time

The person who was taking advantage of me was my best friend's older brother. Let's call her L, and let's call him R. Kelly Light. He was 8 years my senior.

I had the notion that a lot of young girls have : oh, he's older, he's not gonna play me; he can see that I'm mature, bla bla bla.

But he did.

I didn't really pay him much mind until he started paying attention to me. Sure, I thought he was cute, but my friend had 3 other brothers of which I thought were cute too, so that was no big thing. But he was persistant in his flirting, and he'd always say things to me like If you were older, I would date you.

I used to think it was cute, but now that I'm older, I realize it was inapropriate and trife. L and I hung tight from the time I was 14, so his nasty ass was probably looking at me from then. Euw.
(I may have to throw up after I finish typing this. I'm thoroughly disgusted right now)

So... he'd always flirt with me, and I'd flirt back too. I remember one day we were playfighting and he kissed me all up in my mouth, and my life went downhill from there. (For a time, of course.. glory be to God, I got back up on the mountain).

Probably a few months later (I know it was in May) we ended of having sex (euwwwwww) when I went to borrow L's wordprocessor (damn, you know that's back in the day-- do they even make those anymore?) It lasted all of like 3 minutes because anyone could have come home at any minute. For the longest, no one knew what was going on,not even L.

A short time after that he got a new car (I forget what happened to his old one, but I remember one time he had to glue his bumper back on with crazy glue) and he would "pretend to take me home" if I was over there, and have sex with me in his car, almost anywhere. This parking lot, that one, side of the highway, this dark street around the hood, wherever. This dude never took me anywhere and very rarely did we go to motels. To make matters worse, we were sexing unprotected. At first I would keep saying that we needed to be using them, but eventually I just went along with him, got on the pill, and continued. I should have known then that he didn't really think much of me. I'm just glad I stepped away from that whole madness disease-free.

And of course he'd tell me little stuff to get inside my head; about how much he'd miss me when I went off to college (I chose to go to Howard U), and that he cared about me... you know, bullshit. And you couldn't tell me I wasn't in love! As fucked up as it was, I really felt like he was my friend. I would talk to him about everything and anything. (I've always been a sucker for people who allow me to express myself around them)

Before I went off to school, L figured something was up, and she told me she didn't want me messing with him. I shrugged that off as her not wanting her best friend involved with her brother, but I thought that eventually she'd stop caring. Not so.

Anywho.. of course to my little 17 year old surprise, I was shocked when I went off to college in August, and never heard from him. Not a phone call, not a letter written back to me, nothing. I was way past hurt, and I felt very abandoned. When you're going through a transition phase in life, these are two emotions you do not want to feel.To this day if I feel one of the two , life is not quite right. In fact, I feel rather fucked up.


And this is when the panic attacks started. And if you know about them joints.. they suck ASS with six straws. I had no idea what was happening to me, and I thought I was just plain going crazy. I was so stressed I'd stay up all night doing strange things like sketching clothes because it relaxed me. Which was crazy because I didn't even know how to draw... but I learned, dammit!

I ended up going home one weekend because my cousin died, and I saw him. He was acting like everything was ok. Getting inside my head, manipulating me as usual. And then I found out he was up to no damn good. He was messing with this chick that lived around the corner for me (oddly enought, she was legal ), him and his ex girl had a kid that he didn't even tell anyone about, not even his family. Everyone just found out at the same time. So you know I was distraught.

I went back to school, and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was always sad, and still having the occasional panic attacks, just thinking I was going crazy. So I withdrew from school and transferred to a school back home in NY. How I got into any school, especially one as good as Adelphi, was beyond me because my grades were SHIT. 1 B, 2 Cs and a D. I guess money can get you anywhere, huh? :)

And I didn't move back because I wanted to be with him. I just wanted to be somewhere familiar like my home, because even though my parents relationship was way past fucked up, I knew they loved me. And I just wanted to feel loved. Cause, it bees that way sometimes, y'know? But lo and behold a few months after I settled into school, who's paging me (LOL, I had a pager, ya'll! I'm officially old). Trifflin ass R.Kelly Lite. At first it was just a phone call here and there, and then before I knew it, we were back to our old antics. By this time I had my own car, and he'd crashed his again somehow, so he'd page me, I'd pick him up, and we'd still be doing what we did... in the car. Euw. By this time, his whole family knew what was up, and L was getting mad. The only person in my family who even knows that this happened to me is my sister, and I didn't even tell her. She found out, and I couldn't even bring myself to admit it to her for the longest because I was ashamed.

L eventually gave me an ultimatum and told me I had to choose between her and her brother.

I chose my friend. And I never looked back .


I say alllllladat to say this-- to my young girls-- these grown ass men do not have your best interest in heart. They don't give a fuck about you. They just want to use you up, and will not hesitate to toss you to the side for the next pretty young thing or better yet, a chick their age, comes along.

Your whole mentality towards men and more importantly, yourself will become misconstrued.

For a long time after this I used to equate sex with someone liking me. I still feel some sort of awkwardness when I'm around men. I don't really open up like I should and tell them how I feel. And I find that when I do, which is usually when its too late, it ends up all bad. For me, anyway. They just be movin' on with life and shit, lol :)

So to my young gals, that old ass dude you think is feeling you-- he really isn't. He's just a pervert, and no one his age probably wants him cause he's a loser. Walk in the other direction. Deal with someone your own age. I know they ain't shit.. but they're manageable shits. Don't get in way over your head.

I'm all soft and pink again. I may even cry tonight.. but like Ledisi sang-- It's alright!

xoxomonie!;)

Diva-Shit, Old Niggas, Bad Fashion-yup, more randomness

victory is mine

i totally KILLED my presentation Friday, and got an added bonus-- another business opportunity. so now i'm officially a marketing consultant. i'm running my own show, and i'm loving it so far. let's hope it doesn't clash with school.


i don't care how great this all is though.. i'm still moving back to DC. i effin love that place, man! the only thing that will keep me here is a husband and/or a very high salary.

i'll probably get the latter first.


old niggas


old niggas trip me out sometimes. i don't really look at them until i have to. it's always because they've violated somehow.



i saw an old nigga rocking some brown leather pants. like this:





did leather pants come back in? see, i never want to assume that i'm in the know, because there's a possibility i'm not. there is a possibility that snug leather pants is in for old niggas.

i wonder if he had on briefs or boxers?

*shudders in disgust*


either way, i'm sure his balls were hotter than the corner of Hell and Equator.

Speaking of old niggas-- there's this man at my church. He's gotta be at least 70; whole head of hair is white as Wonderbread... ROCKING CORNROWS. His wife has her hair conrowed, as well as his two grandchildren. I often catch myself staring at the whole family during service. I know it's wrong, but pray for me.

Please be patient with me, God is not through with me yet.

Say No to Spandex/Leggings/Stirrups-- I Rebuke You-- A Supplementary Guide

Is it just me, or have some major violations-- just downright offensive shit-- is going on in regards to spandex? It's like everywhere I turn, there's some overbalocious (overbalocious= plump, pudgy, whalelike...fat ) chick straight f/cking up some spandex.



Note to the big gals... and i can say this , cause I've been big (size 18) and now I'm semi-big (size 12)... just because elastic is involved, does not mean its for you. Yes, I know its cheap, and you can get away with wearing black leggings/spandex/stirrups almost everywhere...but its the devil. Unless its a girdle, say nay.


That's it.

I know I've been inconsistant lately. school work and consulting work, and tutoring is eating up all my time. a chick be tired, shun!

til wheneverrr,

xoxomonie