Dick Stress, Dick Retirement

Hey Blog Muffins!

I know; I've been scarce. Between school work, stressing, prepping for JA vacay Part II, and other little stuff....life's been busy.

My Gripe:

So when we last left off in this soap opera that is my life (aka The Young & the Reckless, lol), I was supposed to go to Planned Parenthood to get my exam and STI panel.

*sigh*

Can we just say that I do not appreciate Planned Parenthood playing with my vagina? They called me like the day before to tell me they had to reschedule me because the doc/nurse practicioner wouldn't be in that day. It kind of worked out to my benefit though, because I found a gynecologist that lives practically around the corner.

All week I stressed myself out wondering if I had this or that STI. I spent majority of my free time watching The Golden Girls, eating ice cream cups, drinking glass fulls of Very Vanilla Silk Soymilk ( trying to combat the fat with Alli Pills) and googling STI's and their symptoms.

Why?

Because I am a hypochondriac.

Between all the stress and sweets I wound up with this big ass zit on my forehead. I just can't wait for tommorow to get my exam. I'm still praying everything is okay. I haven't spoken to D/m either. I don't think I'll ever have relations with him again. He turned me ALL the way off with those cheap, triffling ass Durex condoms.

....buuuuut then again, I've sworn up, down, and sideways that I'd never smash that again...now here I am... worried about my health and my vagina. I could beat my self.

On another note...

I'm already considering hagning up my pimp jersey. Even though I've barely gotten started.

Matter fact, I'm gonna just retire from dick (after my vacay, lls)

There should be like, an AFLAC for dick retirement.

Call that joint Dflac. You should be able to receive:

• monthly/ bi-monthly checks (depending on how dick-deprived one is) to be used on toys, antidepressant co-pays, and food
• stuffed duck keychain
• some type of membership award club card for not getting dicked down.

Duck, duck, goose, bitch :D

Folks, we need to see about making this official.

I'm just gonna put Pocahontas on lock, maintain this pace I have going with my school work, party, and enjoy my summer, dick-free.

I cannot handle having two sexual relationships.

I ain't built for this shit.

It's too stressful.

I think a big part of me went through with slaying D/m because I felt like I needed insurance dick or possibly, get-back dick.
Let's define 'em:

What's insurance dick?

Insurance dick is like get back dick, only it happens ahead of time, before a dumb ass gets to hurt your feelings, break your heart, cheat on you first; you know, stuff like that.

Get back dick is when ole boy fucks up and you feel the need to be vengeful. So you ride the next dick in hopes to feel better.

It works.

Sometimes.

Anywho, I never used to invest in insurance dick, but after being hurt time and again, there have been two times I just had to take it there. I'm a Leo; we like revenge...what can I say. This is something I've been working on.

Dear God,

I'm trying. You know I am. Help me to be better. Amen.

I digress-- so yeah. When I saw that B/f #4 was getting his little email mack on, I was quite vexed. Consequently, this did play a role in me smashing D/m... so much to the point that while I was enjoying the artform that is cunnilingus, I was simultaneously reveling on the fact that I was getting mine, and b/f #4 was now on the decietful end of the stick.

Even though I put myself in fool situations sometimes, I hate being played for the fool. Quite oxymoronic, I know.

Maybe I'll continue to juggle and not have sex w/ any of them? I'll sort this out at therapy this week.

Decisions..decisions...

If only I could meet one normal, sane man that actually likes me. That would cut out 1/3 of my drama! Maybe one day I will be so lucky.

*shrug*

Anyway, I'm gonna go get some rest. Tommorow's my big day :D

xoxomonie!!!

i'd fuck 'im and other random shit

"i'm too live, nasty as i wanna be"- jay z

well dammit, me too Jigga.


i'd fuck:


Willie Day 26




Hose me down, Daddy! I watched that "I'm gon put it on her" video yesterday, and Willie looked gooder than a hot Toll House cookie with a side of milk and a napkin!!
Willie could get it butt nekkid on a sack cloth in a barn yard.
He makes you just wanna bathe in some Petite Nate and spread eagle!

(Yeah, my fellow 80s babies remember Petite Nate, the bath time groove, lls)

*this is Jean Nate. apparently Petite, Jean's baby cousin done got discontinued*


anywho...

additionally, i'd fuck (in no particular order):


nate parker pride, great debators




he got that big ass nose, but his teeth are gawgeous! And. He got a phatty. I saw it in Pride, and there it was again while I watched the Great Debators. He got one of those nice asses that sits on high, and don't drop too low. You see his joint, and wanna do a pelvic thrust; cause you imagine how good it would feel to hold it in the palms of your hand while he's on top of you.

kevin phillips also apart of the cast of Pride, Notorious

he looks like he could be related to willie. he got that thickness to him that i like. and it look like he packing something. tilt your head, and lean in close. Look at it! Look at that bulge!!


and on the old nigga side; also from the cast of Pride (yo, what's wrong with me!?),

terrence howard



Why? He just looks nasty; the cat-eyed mafucka. He's got that "I'm an asshole" thing going, which I'm very attracted to.
*shrug*
No wonder I'm in the state that I'm in.


So I guess it's a wonderful thing I was not in film production for the movie Pride--- else it woulda been a whole lotta fuckin' and suckin' going on. Bwahahaaaa!! Ahem!!


Moving along...


pimpin' IS easy


word to shaft, as the girl Lil Kim would say, Old Head called asking to be in my stable. not in these words of course, but he knows the deal.

i got a phone call from him this morning asking which number he was. I told him I hadn't placed him with a number because we don't mess, and he has a girlfriend.

he laughed about the fact she was downstairs as he was calling me (trifling), telling me that he's been thinking about what life would be like if he had made it official with me.

*yawn*

I told him he'd never know now. He tells me he wants a number, so I let him know everyone starts off at 5.

Presto! I got #5. when I make my way to DC in July I know I'll be on the receiving end of some HGR (head game ridiculous) from him. He's really great at it; like he's been practicing since birth. this is no big win, as he is an old ho (literally and figuratively).


We shall all celebrate when I reel in some fresh fish, ok?

and then...

i did some type-foul shit


i called up my ex for the trife ass stunt he pulled while in jamaica, and he's still on some pussy-ass nigga shit a month later; acting like he didn't hear me on the phone. this pissed me the fuck off. no lie, the anger i felt was trance-like.


so i text him the following:


u a coward. keep pretending you cant hear when i call. your job is gonna love to hear what i got to say and read what i got to write. it's your turn to be the fool.


i figured i'd fuck with his livlihood. am i going to call and make false complaints/email with harassment shit? maybe not. depends on whether i have time after all my school work and extracurricular shit is done.


naw, honestly, i don't think i will. despite everything, i try to live right. i try to do right, as i consider myself one of God's inperfect children. however, if you knew my history with him--- you'd tell me to go for it. i mean, i knew he'd give me some bullshit ass excuse, but i wanted to be able to refute it w/ lots of "muthafuckas", "bitch ass nigga's" and "you-aint-shits".....just to make me feel like we settled the score, knaamean? besides-- i'm too lazy (and broke) for the type of effort that would take.

Lord, please forgive me. I shouldn't have done it. Help me to stop seeking get-back and just leave his idiot behind alone. Amen.


that's all. i just wanted to express how i was feeling today. confess my sins, ya know? iwuvsyouguys!


besos ninos!
xoxomonie!

My name is Simone, and I am a Spinster Bitch..who ain't doing shit today!

i am burnt.
the. fuck.
out.

i'm frazzled!! i've been working non-stop off of minimal hours of sleep so that i can get all this shit done before heading to jamaica, but dammit.

a ho cain't take no mo', for the rest of the day...

I AIN'T DOING SHIT!

• I'm gonna do 90 minutes of Taebo (maybe)
• catch up on some more blogs (yesssssss!)
• order something italian and yummy (definitely)
• read a trashy hood novel (fo' sho) and
• watch Stringer Bell and Bodie (mmmmhmmmm :-)

on another note: thank you Rio Tapatio for your blog award. It sooooo made my heart smile:-) i'm always a bit shocked to know that folks are entertained by insanity, lol. i enjoy your blog as well. it makes me wish i were more artsy. fab. and kewwwwl... just like you.

thanks again!

Spinster Bitch: My Worst Fear- A Short Story

I am terribly, disgustingly completely lonely.

Yeah, I said it. No shame in my game anymore.

It has been approximately 5 years since I've had a real relationship. And actually; he was so wack and dry... I don't even consider him.

Of course I've had my fuck buddies, the ones that have used me up and whored me out, lol. and those who claimed to be my man but really weren't--after, in between, once, during...hey, i believe in insurance dick.

Anywho, the point is I'm 26 (shit, round that off to 30 if you'd like) and I have yet to have a serious relationship. EVER.

I think it would be good to have one.
Especially since everyone's getting paired off and having kids. Because that leaves me with no club partners, no drinking buddies, basically no social life. I don't do the third wheel bullshit and my friends' boyfriends have wierdos/psychos/ugmos for friends.

(I don't know what I'm gonna do when I move to DC)

I refuse to have an ugly man. Tried it. Hated it!

Not a good look for me or my forehead. He was so homely I had my eyes squeezed shut the entire time (which felt like forever) to the point I had a headache and a slight crease in my forehead. Ain't that much Oil of Olay and Visine in the world! So even though he was a sweetheart, and would have given me his whole homely little world...
I couldn't do it. So I deaded that.

But...

Am I gonna be that old bitch in the club? Like Kerri Washington in I Think I Love My Wife (sans the overbite, of course)?

I have a sneaking suspicion that's going to be me. And it scares the shit out of me, I can't even lie. I feel like I'm gonna end up just like that. Being fabulous, but opting to marry someone boring and safe, who stimulates absolutely no part of me. Just so that I don't have to live alone in my old age with Life Alert.

Or God forbid, trying to homewreck some married man's relationship!?

Dear God, please don't allow this to happen.

I think about this almost everyday (even when I'm not menstrual) and it makes me terribly sad :-(

I can't front.

I'm one heck of a gal, and it sucks that no one may ever get to know it. *sigh*

My therapist and I agree that I'm extremely picky, and she says that's ok.

I agree with her.

Sheeeeeit, I've been through too much shit to allow some basketcase bastard to come into my life and fuck shit up. Even though a bitch has "coping skills"... I don't feel like using them all the time. LOL Seriously though; I've been through enough. Besides, somebody's gotta be the level-headed one in the relationship!

We think (lol @ "we" ; like she and i are a couple-- hell at this point, we might as well be) that I should consider online dating when I get my driving skills back in order.

(I have a panic disorder, so my driving is very limited)

There's no public transportation here after 6, and I don't trust nan nigga to take me home after I was date raped while I was living in MD.

So get this lameness-- I practice driving to and from Applebees in my town. When I get to the point where I can master driving without feeling afraid or having to drive with someone, then I can join match.com and date.

It makes me laugh to even think that this is what it has all come down to.

And I laugh so that I won't cry that this is what it has come down to.

I'm actually getting sleepy now. I haven't slept since yesterday 8 am.

Probably why I'm putting myself all on blast like this. Oh well.

*shrugs*

later gators :)

wish me luck in cheering up later. thx!

monie xo

shorty be babblin'- Grad school, etc..

Grad school is harder than folks let on. How some of my friends have managed to get their Masters degrees whilst just living in the DC area I will never know. Everyday I marvel at how having to move back home to Borningsville, USA for a little while was a blessing in disguise. In. Deed.

I know I would have never gotten any work done while I was down there.

Well, I dunno maybe.

Because I for damn sure would not be doing as many online classes.

Being in a classroom setting is great because its filled with people that have logorrhea (yup; just what it sounds like, verbal diarrhea-- and many of them really do be talking shit, literally) and by the time all the incessant talking is done, the teacher forgets to even assign homework. At best, I had 2 papers in one class for the whole semester.

On second though... maybe the online is better.

If you follow me or know me, you know how I feel about babbling bastards who have nothing to say. In a nutshell, they should all be put on an island alone.

When I first started going to grad school there was this Ethiopian man who had an arguement for everything the teacher or anyone else had to say. He made me contemplate committing suicide every Monday nights from 7-10 pm. And for some strange reason, he took a liking to me. He used to offer to drive me home, but as tempting as it was; I never accepted. Because even though I had to wait on busses and/or trains to get home to Silver Spring-- meaning by the time I waltzed into my apartment it was quarter to 12---I would rather ride metro in silence and sometimes violence (ya'll know that Green line is dangerous).

If I had to evaluate my life again, I would so attribute many of the panic attacks to my commute and that Ethiopian man alone.

I digress.

These online classes be trying to break a bitch. Every other week there is a paper. I guess they're out to prove something. And I'm cool with that. I'm out to prove something all the time... but I don't try to kill mafuckas in the process.

Conspiracy? I dunno... I thnk it might be another one in my long list!

And while I do enjoy writing; I only like to write about mainly crazy/silly shit, hot dick and music. Oh, and liquor. Very limited, yes. Does that make me ignorant... I'm still undecided. :) Kidding.

School does in fact appeal to my intellectual side. I actually take pleasure in learning new things, and displaying my best work in order to get those A's that I do. PIus I am in love with marketing, branding, copywriting, and the whole bit.

2 more semesters, ya'll... this summer, and fall, and that's it.

The biggest celebration will commence after it's all said and done.

I shall either rent a party bus or tables at whatever club is popping down in DC at that time. I want strippers, alcohol, midgets, the whole nine. I deserve it. All of you in the DC metro area that read this are welcome to come along.

I was supposed to be using this hour for a break from writing my literary review, but instead I used it to write. How backwards is that?

I've been working all morning anyway. I think I'll treat myself to a Bali Hai clove and a hood novel. I don't know why I'd read, when I've been reading all day all night the past few weeks. I need new hobbies. :(

-xoxomoniexox0

Wack and Dry- A Poem

Wack & Dry

(I'm word up gonna publish this soon)

I can't tell no lies

Yo dick game was Wack and Dry

And its so sad too

You thought you was doing the most

Puffin out yo chest, tryna boast

Your dick game-- lame

I don't think I ever came

You got that fisher price dick

Playing around with the p--y

You make me sick!

Matter fact-- I'm mad at myself

I shoulda told you before

Now when I hear you braggin on ya dick

It annoys me to the core

Shut the fuck up, stop it

Boo, nigga, bye

Got me questioning my own self, like damn bitch, why??

Sweating out my good perm for no damn reason

The courts should charge you, that shit is like treason

You irk me so

I just had to exhale

Feel free to ask if I'm talking about you

Via email

Send all inquiries to champagnecouturerockstarsexy@gmail.com with "Was I Wack and Dry?" in the subject line. I will try to answer as promptly as I can. I feel soo much better now. *Cheesy face*

Statutory Rape-- I'mma get real personal

my little cousin (the one who runs away and wears the same dirty panties)..go'n and click that there... she's up to her old tricks.

She ran away like 2 weeks ago, and then again last friday. and i understand why no amount of ass whooping, screaming, shouting etc thrown at her by her mom and the rest of the family isn't working.

Because the dude she's running off with is older than her. How much older, I'm not sure, but he's definitely over 18. When she was over here she was bragging that he had money, and when I asked her how he got money she told me he worked in a bank with his mother.

I asked her how old he was and she said he's 17.

I told her to try again. We all know can't no 17 work in a bank!

She's only 15. She swears she's in love, but she's being taken advantage of. I know the story all too well. That was me when i was in 12th grade. and the dude who i was with was 25.

i want to share the following story because i know there are a few teens that follow this blog, and i would hate for them to get mixed up in the same type of shit.

Grab your cocoa mug-- it's storytime.

Statutory Rape Will Fuck Up Your Mental For A Long Time

The person who was taking advantage of me was my best friend's older brother. Let's call her L, and let's call him R. Kelly Light. He was 8 years my senior.

I had the notion that a lot of young girls have : oh, he's older, he's not gonna play me; he can see that I'm mature, bla bla bla.

But he did.

I didn't really pay him much mind until he started paying attention to me. Sure, I thought he was cute, but my friend had 3 other brothers of which I thought were cute too, so that was no big thing. But he was persistant in his flirting, and he'd always say things to me like If you were older, I would date you.

I used to think it was cute, but now that I'm older, I realize it was inapropriate and trife. L and I hung tight from the time I was 14, so his nasty ass was probably looking at me from then. Euw.
(I may have to throw up after I finish typing this. I'm thoroughly disgusted right now)

So... he'd always flirt with me, and I'd flirt back too. I remember one day we were playfighting and he kissed me all up in my mouth, and my life went downhill from there. (For a time, of course.. glory be to God, I got back up on the mountain).

Probably a few months later (I know it was in May) we ended of having sex (euwwwwww) when I went to borrow L's wordprocessor (damn, you know that's back in the day-- do they even make those anymore?) It lasted all of like 3 minutes because anyone could have come home at any minute. For the longest, no one knew what was going on,not even L.

A short time after that he got a new car (I forget what happened to his old one, but I remember one time he had to glue his bumper back on with crazy glue) and he would "pretend to take me home" if I was over there, and have sex with me in his car, almost anywhere. This parking lot, that one, side of the highway, this dark street around the hood, wherever. This dude never took me anywhere and very rarely did we go to motels. To make matters worse, we were sexing unprotected. At first I would keep saying that we needed to be using them, but eventually I just went along with him, got on the pill, and continued. I should have known then that he didn't really think much of me. I'm just glad I stepped away from that whole madness disease-free.

And of course he'd tell me little stuff to get inside my head; about how much he'd miss me when I went off to college (I chose to go to Howard U), and that he cared about me... you know, bullshit. And you couldn't tell me I wasn't in love! As fucked up as it was, I really felt like he was my friend. I would talk to him about everything and anything. (I've always been a sucker for people who allow me to express myself around them)

Before I went off to school, L figured something was up, and she told me she didn't want me messing with him. I shrugged that off as her not wanting her best friend involved with her brother, but I thought that eventually she'd stop caring. Not so.

Anywho.. of course to my little 17 year old surprise, I was shocked when I went off to college in August, and never heard from him. Not a phone call, not a letter written back to me, nothing. I was way past hurt, and I felt very abandoned. When you're going through a transition phase in life, these are two emotions you do not want to feel.To this day if I feel one of the two , life is not quite right. In fact, I feel rather fucked up.


And this is when the panic attacks started. And if you know about them joints.. they suck ASS with six straws. I had no idea what was happening to me, and I thought I was just plain going crazy. I was so stressed I'd stay up all night doing strange things like sketching clothes because it relaxed me. Which was crazy because I didn't even know how to draw... but I learned, dammit!

I ended up going home one weekend because my cousin died, and I saw him. He was acting like everything was ok. Getting inside my head, manipulating me as usual. And then I found out he was up to no damn good. He was messing with this chick that lived around the corner for me (oddly enought, she was legal ), him and his ex girl had a kid that he didn't even tell anyone about, not even his family. Everyone just found out at the same time. So you know I was distraught.

I went back to school, and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was always sad, and still having the occasional panic attacks, just thinking I was going crazy. So I withdrew from school and transferred to a school back home in NY. How I got into any school, especially one as good as Adelphi, was beyond me because my grades were SHIT. 1 B, 2 Cs and a D. I guess money can get you anywhere, huh? :)

And I didn't move back because I wanted to be with him. I just wanted to be somewhere familiar like my home, because even though my parents relationship was way past fucked up, I knew they loved me. And I just wanted to feel loved. Cause, it bees that way sometimes, y'know? But lo and behold a few months after I settled into school, who's paging me (LOL, I had a pager, ya'll! I'm officially old). Trifflin ass R.Kelly Lite. At first it was just a phone call here and there, and then before I knew it, we were back to our old antics. By this time I had my own car, and he'd crashed his again somehow, so he'd page me, I'd pick him up, and we'd still be doing what we did... in the car. Euw. By this time, his whole family knew what was up, and L was getting mad. The only person in my family who even knows that this happened to me is my sister, and I didn't even tell her. She found out, and I couldn't even bring myself to admit it to her for the longest because I was ashamed.

L eventually gave me an ultimatum and told me I had to choose between her and her brother.

I chose my friend. And I never looked back .


I say alllllladat to say this-- to my young girls-- these grown ass men do not have your best interest in heart. They don't give a fuck about you. They just want to use you up, and will not hesitate to toss you to the side for the next pretty young thing or better yet, a chick their age, comes along.

Your whole mentality towards men and more importantly, yourself will become misconstrued.

For a long time after this I used to equate sex with someone liking me. I still feel some sort of awkwardness when I'm around men. I don't really open up like I should and tell them how I feel. And I find that when I do, which is usually when its too late, it ends up all bad. For me, anyway. They just be movin' on with life and shit, lol :)

So to my young gals, that old ass dude you think is feeling you-- he really isn't. He's just a pervert, and no one his age probably wants him cause he's a loser. Walk in the other direction. Deal with someone your own age. I know they ain't shit.. but they're manageable shits. Don't get in way over your head.

I'm all soft and pink again. I may even cry tonight.. but like Ledisi sang-- It's alright!

xoxomonie!;)

Sex In the City? Bullshit On the Town,The Black & Bling Affair, Memory Lane and Back Again, Wack and Dry - Recap

Last week was pretty nifty. Busy with consulting stuff and school, so that's why the posts are a bit scare. This shall make up for it though. Get your reading glasses, cause its about to be long. :p

Sex In the City? Bullshit On the Town The Black & Bling Affair, Memory Lane and Back Again



So we went to Level IV in the city last night. Cute little spot. One of K's custys has a bday party, so there were a few people from around our way in the building. Last night I was getting my little rockstar-fresh on. Got a new haircut, very sexy-androgynous.. so of course I had to pair it off with something to match the new look. I looked fly, my shoes were so damn fierce even dudes were complimenting me on 'em, so that's always a good thing... especially when I see an ex pop-off. Because even though I don't want him, the Leo in me loves to show a nigga what he wants but what he can never ever have again in life.


Woo chile, sidebar:


Even if I were to ever consider giving up my new-found virginity... even though the sex with him was great (he was a true whore-- one day I'll talk about the time he put his whole face in my butt crack--reason 168 i can't respect him) he is just sooo corny. And of course he was corny as hell last night, in addition to looking extra short.


Let's take a little trip down memory lane really quick so I can tell ya'll the history of how I came to eventually fuck this short ass nigga.


*Feel free to get into your Pharcyde-Back-In-The-Day groove*


He was my first puppy love. We were very close in 7th & 8th grade; like best friends. We wrote letters to each other everyday about any and everything, I did his homework sometimes (dumb-bitchassness), bla bla bla. So naturally I came to like him because he was my close homeboy. In my little 12 year old mind, the fact that we meshed so well was the best reason he'd make a good boyfriend. Plus, my growth spurt hadn't hit then, so I was proabably about his height. Matter fact, I'm sure of that. I've liked tall men since like the beginning of time.


Anywho.


When eighth grade came around, we were still very close. He joined the football team, and I joined cheerleading just to cheer him on. I was really liking him but I never told him, because, that's was (and still) aint my style because I'm very afraid of rejection.


Fast Forward


So, April-May-June rolls around. And if you can remember back to Middle School and High School, that's when you're just antsy as hell and your hormones are raging.


I forget which one of us decided that he should start coming over the house before my mom came home, but he did. he used to come over to the house after school from 2:45 to 4:00 pm sharp, feel me up, leave Lifestyles condoms under my mattress that we never got to use, and then ride home on his bike. I thought we were going to really end up together, because I was letting him feel me up several times a week, and we were still thick as theives. but he dissed me on the class graduation trip to Splish Splash for some girl that was not cute. she was actually fucking, so in his mind, ugly or not, he wanted to stick his dick in something besides my hand. I was really upset about it because this same girl another boy I used to like, dissed me for, so when he decided to mess with her, I was furious. I remember feeling plain terrible after the class trip, going home, trashing my room like a damn lunatic, crying my little heart out.

And that was the end of me dealing with him. (In fact, I didn't speak to him again until we got to 11th grade) Eventually I brushed my little shoulders off, and had a new little 9th grade boo in the next few weeks that lasted throughout that summer. He dissed me too. Only this time I wasn't so mad. I just swore off men for 3 years.

And its been the trend of my life with men since then.
That means, technically, if history repeats itself... I should be getting dicked down in two years or so.

*Shrugs*


So, up until HS graduation I hadn't seen Drunken Munchkin til about Summer '07 at K's Leo Bday party. He was still handsome, but shorter than I remembered. But his whole shoulder-pecs area was looking right through his shirt. So I fucked him for the sake of unfinished middle school business. Do not believe the hype about short men not packing. He must have had the biggest, heaviest dick I've ever had. It was like, paperweight heavy! I am convinced that this is where all his height went. And he gave the meanest head game I have ever experienced. That shit was vicious! Shame and scandal!


*fans self*


Anyway, we had a very nice little arrangement for a while when I moved back home, but I got my spiritual life in order so that all came to a halt.


Plus I wasn't trying to go there with him anymore because he admitted he had a girl a while after the fact that we were doing grown folks dancing, and then after such time he wasn't able to do his whore-duties everytime I called. If there's one thing I don't like, its an unavailable dick. It's on the top of my pet peeves list. So yeah. We stopped. He'd still (still does) try to get at me, but its harmless since I don't see him often.


Back to the present...


So anyway, K, Chan, Femi, and myself get up in there. Make our rounds, and I see ex-pop off's little brother (we'll call him Obese... because that's what K called him last night... to his face. Lmmfao, I love that girl) who is about to get married, as are the rest of their little crew who were there, so immediately I knew Drunken Munch (no pun intended, lmao) was there. The club was small so of course I see him, looking shorter than ever. He's all up on me, talking about I can't believe I let you get away; you were a good one, you frontin' now bla bla bla and then proceeded to do some nasty sexually suggestive thing to my hand which I can't even describe. Euwwk.


So I nicely let him know I was still celibate, planned to stay that way, and asked him how was his girl. Of course he didn't respond. So I got away from him, and ordered a Remy and Grand Marnier (not my usual choice of drink, but sometimes when I'm having trouble telling people to get lost, cognac allows shorty to get loose, and say everything I've ever dreamt of). Which I did a few times he did try to make convo with me again.


I didn't do too much dancing.. don't really shake ass hard like I used to unless I'm away on vacation or around folks I want to dance with. No one in there was fine, so naturally, I danced mostly by myself and this other kid from High School. Sat down more often than I usually do...and this dude almost sat on top of me! I choked out of shock. I've never been almost-sat upon in a club. He apologized over and over, told me how fine he thought I was, and I forgave him. I'm a sucker for a compliment, shoot me.


So at about 4:3o, the spot shuts down. We get in the car and re-cap for the night. Let's call this section:


The Things that Wack Dry Niggas Do


So, Lil Rob was there. I'm sure you remember him from the Ashy Dick picture mail blog. Yeah. Him. Now, no one really knows that K tapped that. Cha is her close friend, but apparently Rob has had a crush on her (Cha) for 7 years. He told her so last night. And I believe his math. Afterall, he is an accountant. So Cha was like although he's sexy, she could never mess with him because he's so wack. She was sitting on his lap and he was moving his pecs to the beat of the music and had the nerve to ask her did she like what he was doing. We laughed him to shame and scorn.


Then K chimed in with her own story about Obese.


Obese had the nerve to tell K that he wanted his last and final hurrah to be with her before he got married.


Most gangsta part of all:

his fiancee was in the place standing close by.


Men like that scare me. Cause I know his fiancee doesn't think he'd cheat on her, with him looking the way he looks and her looking the way she does. You think this mafucka would feel lucky. But no! He's feeling himself, thinking that he can bag the next fly chick.


So K said she told him "Naw, boo. I don't mess with obese niggas."


We're all falling out laughing. Then Cha almost killed me when she said:


"What the fuck?! That nigga weigh like 428 pounds. He better be glad someone wanna marry his ass, someone pretty at that. I don't know why. Maybe she's a chub-chaser"


Then we talked about the other crimes being committed in the place.


So after we dropped Cha and them off in QB, we head back to NB, where K immediately called Lil Rob and told him how wack he was. She scolded him about flexing his pecs and let him know it was corny. Man, I love her. She's a beast. She will say whatever. I admire her for that shit.


I got in the house around 5:30. My room was a flaminghotmess because my outfit was last minute and everything was thrown on the bed. So I cleaned up, showered (so I could sleep late for church) and as soon as I slide in the bed, guess who gets to texting me:


Yup, drunken munchkin; talking about why can't we just f/ck for old times sake.


Ho, please.


I cannot wait to move back to my beloved DC/MD area... because this shit right here?


No words.


xomoniexoxo!