Cheap Ass,Date Night?, Old Homo Sighting, and Monie's Jukebox-- RANDOM shit

Cheap Ass Loses... Again

--in trying to make me feel like I lost out on him. i'm laughing so hard as i'm typing, jeez.

So, today I get 2 facebook msgs on my wall AND a poke from my ex...let's call him Cheap Ass.
I always do.

So Cheap ass writes on my wall..twice:

Did you see my video on my page?

Did you see my video on my page?

I use facebook mobile most of the time, so I can't check videos, but more importantly, I don't go on his page. So I write back on his wall:

What video. I'm on facebook mobile so i can't see. As long as I'm not in the video, we good.

So, out of sheer boredom I went on there and checked it just now.

LMMFAOLMMFAO FOREVER. Dude, how much do i LOVE youtube. I found the video!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oo0rq2ZyF0

His friend made a music video and he's the love interest in it. He's all caressing and kissing on this chick who is singing. hot tranny mess. I couldn't stop laughing. Cheap Ass is delusional-- swears I still want him. Why, I don't know. I haven't wanted him since 2005. I haven't spoken to him since 2007. 2009 and ain't a damn thing changed! i'm not into repeating dudes, especially if they ain't fine. and as you can see.. HE AIN'T. I won't be too hard on myself. My swag/self esteem was not up to par at all back then.

I had to put him on ice because whenever I did entertain his conversations, they were all about his new girlfriend who so ironically had the same name as me, how pretty she was, how he was taking her on vacation..bla bla bla. I could tell he always wanted me to be jealous and to care, but I never did. I still don't. Still hee-hee-ing.

Date Night?
There's a question after that , because I know me. I'm a fickle bitch, and more than likely I'm gonna change my mind for a few reasons. Keep reading. So, this dude I've known for a few years wants to go out this weekend. He's cool or whatever, but he's like one of those fat camp kids. He used to be mad fat back in the day, and now that his body is looking right, he can't stop talking about it. It is very irritating and sometimes when I talk to him on instant msgr. i wanna just say Remember when you were a fatass? But that wouldn't work; because he could easily say I remember when you were a fatass too.
Life is unfair like that sometimes.
Thank God for elliptical machines, pilates, and Alli. I vow to never be a fatass again. Amen.

Now the reasons I probably won't go is because, he doesn't have a car, and neither do i. he's gonna get on the train from far rockaway to come here, which is a hell of a train ride, especially in this cold. i'd meet him half way...naw, i wouldn't. let me not get to lying up in here. The other reason I probably won't wanna go is because we'll have to take a cab to go hang out somewhere. And I don't want to. I dunno. I told him to meet me at Guesthouse on Sunday night, cause I might go again, plus it'll be less of a commute. We shall see...we shall see me park my ass in my bed Saturday night, or head somewhere I shouldn't with my partner in crime, K! ;x Naw, I'm gonna just chill with him if he makes effort to come out here.

Old Homo Spotted

The Target by my house is always chock full of surprises. I didn't think that it could get any worse than the time I saw two cacophonous little white boys belting out Flo'Rida's 'Shawty Got Low' in the electronics section... but yesterday it did.

Ain't nothing worse than an old homo who swear he's doing it. Don't get it twisted; Monie loves the kids. Probably watches more Logo channel than anyone else, but this sighting was so sad that I stopped in the middle of an aisle and texted my gay boyfriend.

Picture it.

This coat, but waist length with a tail going around the collar:

These boots

With this hat

Clawdhammercysaveme!! And he was just as loud as he wanted to be. Smdh. I wanted to call PETA on him.

Monie's Jukebox - on repeat

Blame It On the Alcohol- Jamie Foxx feat. T.Pain

Where in the hell was this song in 2006 and 2007 when my partying/drinking days were at its pinnacle? When I needed reasoning for most of the lascivious antics I was going on with? Do you know how much shit I did those two years that could have blamed on the alcohol?? This would have been my theme! I love this song!!

Say You Will- Kanye West

Kanye told Vibe mag:

I don't believe in therapy. I believe you gotta walk it out, you gotta live it out...And sometimes you have to cry it out...I don't believe in medication or painkillers. And I don't believe in religion and giving it all up to Jesus.

Hallejlujah, pass the Paxil! LOL

I can tell, Kanye. Because this song sounds very Washington Adventist-like(padded walls). Kanye, baby, please, don't ever let it come to this again. This is bad. Always take it to Jesus, and keep in mind...a little Paxil never hurt anyone. Because this shit right here...

When i grab your neck, I touch your soul/Take off your cool, and lose control/Hey hey hey hey...

Whaat?! Shutupp! Very eerie. I think I like it because it has a little Marvin Gaye vibe to it. Save that heart monitor beeping in the background. Now what does that say about me? ; x Heyy, heyy, heyy, heyyy, dont say you will... shananana e. coli. mmph!

Anne- Santogold

This is my absolute shit. It sounds like a Prince song... one off of the Purple Rain album, but I can't place it. I'm getting old, my memory only works on Sundays and Wednesdays. Anyway, only Santogold could be howling on a track and make it hot. I like this whole album as well.

Aight, the bed awaits. And the titties need their freedom.

random- accuweather bullshit, and the difference between dick and penis

accuweather bullshit



now is it just me, or do these acuweather mafuckas hype up weather situations to be more than what they really will be? they started up with the bullshit last night about how we were supposed to get a buttload of snow starting then. it didn't snow here til about 11:somthing, and stopped around 2:00. it's approximately...no,it is 3:20, and we have probably less than an inch of snow on the ground. none of it stuck.



just like with that hurricane (ike) this summer in texas. they had us believing the most was gonna happen. they were so excited about it being possibly the worse hurricanes in history. all the weatherbitches and weatherbastards had that 'im-about-to-bust-one' gleam in their eye. and then when it wasn't what they said it would be, they looked so dejected. bitches.

*update... whadya know? Accuweather was half right this time. We have a substantial amount of the white stuff and it did stick. Hmm.

dick and penis-- what's the difference?
and the things you need to know...



i like to think that they are different; kinda like how chris rock (my comedic god father in my mind) says there's a difference between "pussy" and "vagina".

let's break it on down.



penis-

penis is aight. if you were to compare him to dick, he'd be a jc penny's, at best, a macy*s, and dick would be... saks -- no pun intended. ;)

so yeah, penis, does what penis was created for: intercourse and at it's worse, pregnancy. sometimes when you just gotta get slayed, you can opt for penis. it's like methadone.

anywho, there are three categories of penis:



what-is-this?-penis-
its just like you think. serves no purpose. i won't even waste my time going into detail. this is the kind of sex where you stare at the cieling and wonder how you got yourself into such a f/cked up predicament. it's wack, it's dry...but the upside is, it's usually done in less than 19 minutes.

Tools Relief: nan.that's right, "nan" , not even "none".


bland penis-
also, just like you think. the owner of bland penis always feels like he's really doing the most though. sometimes if you're desperate and have no options, you'll lay there, one leg up,taking it, and wishing upon a star that you'll come. if you do have options, you will promptly tell him to step off so you can get up and go on about your b/i.

Tools/Relief: *the rag (for you, not him, fuck him), the drink of your choice (to make you happy), and your cell phone (so you can vent to your bff about how terrible it was)

*(The rag is the moist warm rag that's essential for after you get it in. The rag by no means takes the place of a shower or worse case scenario, whore bath [washing your coochie, ass and arm pits]. You just use it until the shakiness leaves from your legs. Then you really handle your business in the bathroom)

moving on...

i-can't-believe-its-not-dick-penis- sometimes penis will surprise you. and that's where your i-can't-believe-its-not-dick type penis comes in. the thing about this type is, it's not consistent and oftentimes reverts back to bland penis, therefore it can never rise to dick status. :(

Tools/Relief: head scarf, the rag (for you; and if he's of service to you that day, you can share if you'd like)

let's talk about dick now.

man, i love dick!
--- realest shit i ever wrote.

*fans self*


So yes, the best thing about dick is , there's variety. The one thing dick has in common is that it will either knock the bottom out your shit, or rub the walls.

I'm gonna lay them out in order. Make note of how the rag always pops up in the dick category. *Note to fellas-- if the rag makes an appearance, or even a paper towel...and it's used on you...4 stars. you've done well.

Get-Right Dick-
Not always your first choice, but it's tried and true, guaranteed to give you a good one or two sexual erruptions.

Tools/Relief: head scarf, comb, brush, the rag.

Gangsta Dick-
May start off nice, but it does not play around. Gangsta D. operators sex you like they're fighting you. You don't want to deal with this type of dick unless you have health insurance. There's a 89% chance you may get hemmed up, choked , hair from your head will be missing, you may even come close to passing out. You may end up needing medical attention cause you done f/cked around (literally) and tore your damn hamstring. Gangsta D operates no less than an hour. Come prepared with a scarf for your head, because you will be sweating out your perm/press/flat iron.

Tools/Relief:the rag, Ben Gay patch/vapor rub/tiger balm, hot bath with epsom salts, head scarf or hat. don't bother with the other stuff. your body will hurt too much to do anything else.

Euphoria Dick-
Makes you really happy. Something like smoking good piff and then eating a 20 piece Chicken McNugget meal and washing it down with a Large orange Hi-C. (Fatass! Fatass!!) You are happy. You are satiated. You are getting off 4 times at minimum, and your stress is just practically melting away. Euphoria dick will compel you to give back all you can; even if its nothing more than "dick-to-jaw-time" for a good hour and change. And more times that's all you can do, because the rest of your body is tired and it wouldn't be sexy reaching for the tiger balm/vapor rub mid buss-down to rub on your aching muscles.

Tools and Relief: 5 hour nap. Do what you can after that.

Chipotle Dick- Chipotle dick does the perfect mix of everything . Just as the chipotle burrito bol has the right combination of everything, chipotle dick operates like this. Chipotle Dick Operators will pin you up in all kinds of ways, pull your hair, and give you the proper freak down. This is the kind where you leave feeling refreshed and feeling lucky to have a vagina. you have to re-cooperate for at least a day after you get it, and your body hurts in places you didn't even know could hurt. The down-side (just like Chipotle), it's addictive, and you usually can't have it all the time that you want it for various reasons. If your mental state is awry, leave this kind a-lone!

Tools and Relief: 8 hour rest.The rag. Ben Gay patch/vapor rub/tiger balm, hot bath with epsom salts, head scarf, comb, paddle brush, gel, ponytail holder. If you rocking the short and sexy cut, bring a cute hat.

So yup...that's the difference. Ladies go gauge the types you've had. Fellas...ask someone to gauge the type you are. Because there is a possibility that you think you have Chipotle dick, when in all actuality, you posses bland penis.

*Blank Stare*

So that's all for today. There's a margarita with my name on it, just waiting.

lator gators! - monie:)

life, more ashy penis, dirty panties, et cetera...

christmas day

christmas was cool. ya'll know i'm not big on the holiday in its commercial sense, but it represents God sending down the ultimate gift, his son... to eventually die for a sinner like me. and you, if you thought you were perfect. :) if that isn't love, then i don't know what is. so, thank you God for continual deliverance. thank you for these past 4 Christmases where I haven't had to listen to my dad argue with us so he could go spend time with whoever else. thank you for peace. thank you for JOY. thank you for allowing me to overcome and not be overtaken by the MISERY others want me to believe I should live in. *praise dance*

family ties

so...
the family came over... you know my cousin Opal and her bad ass kids i talk about from previous posts... yeah, them. woo lawd, they're something else. Opal demanded that everyone only eat one serving so that she could "take all the food home." and she literally did. all that is left is rice and peas and potato salad. you know you follow the doctrine of fatassedness when...

anyway her son, nick (my cousin who is in jail) we finally met his 9 year old son for the first time. he's so adowable! and sweet. he knew to stay out my damn way, and i love that! nick is 24 now, which means this child was born when he was 15... making opal a grandmother at 30. oooh, imma leave this alone, cause i could take it all types of places!

dicktalk
yeah folks, miss dickless (that's one of the many nicknames i call myself in my head) is back on the topic of 'The D'. Kia got one more time to brag on how good she's getting the pipedown..ooh!! Sometimes I feel like I'd smack her out of jealousy! So...she's carrying on a semi-scandalous affair. She's messing with her younger brother's best friend. Mind you, this best friend done slept with three of her other cousins; so he's like the family ho. *raised eyebrows*

Anyway, I went to borrow a bottle of Wray and Neph from her mom for my mom, and she's walking like she's got an egg between her legs that she's trying not to break.

Me: What's wrong with you? Why you walking like that?

Her: Girl! Little Rob... he was f/ckin me like he had something to prove!

Me: Was ya'll doing it in the car again? I sure hope not! It's too damn cold out here..

Her:Naw! He came over here on the late night. My cervix is hurting.

But I think it's cause I'm still sore from getting daggered by Mike.
*Blank Stare Blank Stare Blank Stare!*

Me: Damn son. Maybe if you try lifting one leg, it's all about the angle...

Bwahahahaa... guys just bear with me, ok? I know I sometimes talk about things that go against what I'm supposed to be doing, but please be patient with me. God is not through with me yet. (Love that song).

Anyway, after hearing the details about the daggering, I decided to get her opinion on the penis picture mail and whether or not she thought it was ashy.

She concurred, also thought he may have placed the tape measure at __ inches, and told me not to have relations with him if i decide to have premarital relations because I will be in pain the same way she is today. I told her I have no intentions of doing so. i want what they have before anyone inserts anything anywhere. see below:

Something for Nothing

You know, the penis picture mail is already threatening to cause problems. In this life you really don't get something for nothing. And in this case its really effed up, because I didnt even ask this boy for dickflix. He just sent them over to me and I looked because, well... MJ said it best:

And they say why why... tell 'em that it's human nature!

So yesterday I get a text from ASHford Dickson:

*ahahahaaaaaaaaahahhaa*

ASHford Dickson: Your turn for pics.

Nigga what?! No merry christmas, nothing, just that text. I didn't respond. I don't take x-rated pics of myself for several reasons:
01. the possibility of fame. i don't want anyone on my vh1 special saying:
"Aww *Bleep* I remember one time she text messaged me pics of her *bleep* and/or vagina"

02. i'd never send my vagina via sprint picture mail. too many pe0ple i know work for sprint. even though i'm sure they tell us its anonymous, i kinda feel like its not. i don't want anyone up at Sprint saying shit like:

"Damn. Her labia is mad long son!"
Even though its not... yaknawmean? No thanks.

03. i wouldn't want to put my vagina anywhere that close to my cellphone. i let people use my phone all the time. I don't want to be looking at them like 'Damn, my p/ssy juice might be smeared on the side of your face right now.' Euw.

.04. the possibility he'll show it to his friends... you know, the way I showed it to my friend.

05. In order for me to even ponder doing it... I'd have to be in deep love; and yes, this involves the man acually loving me back.

No Dutty Panty

Why outside my world (my bedroom) I hear my mom telling my little cousin:
*In mom's jamaican accent*
"You're not supposed to wear dirty panties! Don't wear a panty more than once. Your mother told me you do it; don't do it here. You mustn't wear dirty panty! "
(This is my little cousin that likes to run away from home from time to time with no clothes. When asked what she does for clean underwear she told us that she'll put her panties on inside out)
*I. Can't. Take. It*

Talk di Tings

Sometimes I feel a smidgen bad for talking about the folks in my life in my blog. But guilt is an evil emotion, so I do what my therapist tells me to do. I rationalize with myself. It goes like this:

I talk about myself in here too. Even the embarassing stuff. If they didn't do these things I wouldn't have to vent about them. It keeps me sane, and allows me to not have to compromise my christianity by telling this or that person, 'Hey, I really think you're an evil, cunt whore/and or/ miserable/and or/ jealous sack of shit' ...or however else I feel at the time I'm made mad.

Therefore...I'll continue to keep it as funky as my cousin's draws up on this blog. Thanks.

facebook rape
some days i wonder if i should just take my bumboclaat off of there. facebook, we used to be so good together. now, we have issues. folks, don't set up groups just to mail out invites. i have a good friend who is now a Kappa. His life revolves around getting drunk and partying, having sex with whichever girl will have sex with him--- and sending out conuntless invitations on facebook. Now all of that except the latter is fine. Now he's starting to intefere with my life. If I get another invite from this Naughty Nupe I'm gonna use that Blackberry pin number he's been posting as his status for the past week and get up in his ass. The shit is getting out of hand now. He's even adding friends of mine and harassing them! it's too bad he's my friend in real life, or else i would have been deleted him.
ok, i think that's all i wanted to press on. i'm gonna go work out. it's been like almost 3 weeks now. not good. i have to preserve my sexy.
in case i don't become famous and end up wanting to show my vagina on picture mail. hehehehehe

ciaobabies!!!