been a minute, yeah i know. Slap me.

Hey muffins!

How I've missed thou. I've just been going through lots of personal changes. Not that that's an excuse. But. Whatever.

Life is pretty good. Just grinding, knocking out this certificate, and weeding out the waste in my life. By waste I mean particular people. Unfortunately this included folks who I considered very near and dear to me. Then i realized that I wasn't nearly as near and dear to them.


You've heard it before. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
It's been my experience that hos be lasting a season and many a time they don't never have no reason. I can count on my hands who's been around a lifetime. I won't blame said hos. Lots of times it's my own fault. But whatever. Either way, those meant to be in your life will be there. Those who are not, will make their exit.

One thing's for certain, two things for sure- you won't even miss them after a while.


Spent Christmas in the JA. My family came down as well, and my family and my fiance's families met. My family met my fiance' for the first time. I am glad to say he passed the test :)

We had lots and lotsa fun. Lotsa rum. Monie got lots of relations. Woo chir'rens! I shall touch more on that when I get home though. Don't wanna give the goodies on the work pc :)

Well, that's all for now folks.

Later gators!
**_monie

It's Been a Long Time; I shouldn't have left you..

Muffinssssssssssss!!!

I have missed Blogger turr'bly! School and life done caught up to my ass. School is finally over, and I am glad to inform you all they will be sending my MS degree in the mail because this bitch Monie does not do graduation ceremonies.

Can't wait to frame that bitch and put it up in my living room though, aow!

Say hello to my adopted daughter ya'll:



I've decided to affectionately name this child in my head , "Lil Baby KeyLontay". I've seen her all over the web and facebook w/ no parent to claim her. Imma take her in. She can keep Byron and Dinka company.

Anywho, other than that, DC is DC...although right now I'm in Jamaica w/my fiancee' right now.

Yeah.. we've got lots to catch up on-- I promise to speak on this. Just know that I am insanely happy, the relationship is extremely healthy, my man LOVES me to no end,and I love him back. And I can't leave out the fact that he is fuckin' fine as hell. Like seriously, a lot of times I catch myself staring at him like , damn, I snagged you?? I adore him.

But back to DC.

Although I don't have no crazy club shit (only been once since I've moved), there are still tales of insanity though.... because my neighborhood is an interesting place.

We’ve got loads of teenaged gay boys walking around wearing booty shorts , boi pussies on display and shit.




hair flipped w/ tons of Pump it Up Spray



or Jerri curls



(yes, we have young boi-hos rocking jherri in 2010, clawdhe'pme please!)

and sometimes two strand twists.

I absolutely adore them for being brave enough to walk out of the house like this. Whenever I'm walking to /from work... or anywhere else, since I'm the Super Pedestrian out this mafucka... they make for great laughter.

We also have a teen tranny here in Southwest who is nicknamed “The Mayor”. I found this out at Open Mic Night at the library (keep reading)

And a baby nicknamed “Ay-ay”too … don’t ask.


This place is just…something else.

*blank stare*

Now let’s talk about the library for a bit. See, I've spent quite a lot of time there for the past few months, and every time I've gone in and left back out, I've been..welll... astonished for ack of better words.

Historically (and often in the present) libraries are a place of quietness where one can go to ready, study, think… quietly. But here in the SW part of the district, the whole “Shhh…this is a library” factor--- simply does not apply.

Like for real. Do not try to go there and get homework done because you will be interrupted by:

- Open Mic poetry from 5 til closing on Mondays
- (Tuesday and Thursday that m/f closes at 5)
- Wednesday is Chess Club and Movie Night from 6-closing , full with a pizza dinner, cookies, and fruit punch and it is LOUD, LOUD, AND MO’ MUTHAFCKIN LOUD.

Tuesdays and Saturdays were the only day I was able to get homework done which meant I’d have to wake up and be there for 9 am until 5:00 PM.

But it was still pretty loud:

- Random old bitch reading books and sucking old food out of her teeth *barf*
- Pre-teens and teens Myspace hoing it up.
- And just loud, loud, loud chatter

And one time an old man sitting at a table in front of me was kind enough to bend over and crank a fart so loud I thought the earth was going to move. He turned around, simply picked his shorts out of his ass and didn’t even bother to apologize. I was too through after that.

I will not go back....other than to pick out trashy hood novels like Brelon and Baldhead Marie to read for sheer entertainment. . Go'n and click dat dere and try to find her blog on that topic. You will fall the eff out.



I shall be back later w/ more updates though.

Ciao muffins!!

_monie!*

PSA- Things You Need to Know If You Tryna Fuck With Me

I need for you to have your own money. You don't have to have a lot. Matter fact, you can even just have enough for you (cause I always got enough for me), but don't expect me to dip into my pockets consistently for you. Love don't pay the bills, and neither does dick.

Don't berate me for being a "princess". It has come to my attention that my parents set high standards (aka "spoiled") me, and I expect certain shit. *blank damn stare*
If you ask me what I wanna do, and I tell you something pricey and you're on a Burger King budget that's your problem. You should not have asked what I wanted to do. Just suggest Applebees or some other cheap shit. I fucks with buffalo wings like everyone else *shrug*

You must take me places. I aint trying to sit around staring in your fuckin face. You stopped being cute a long time ago.

Paying attention will get you far with me. I'm a Leo and we require attention. Likewise, I will shower you with attention. But ignoring me will do nothing but put you on the receiving end of my attitude. And my attitude is funkier than unwashed prostitute pussy when need be.

Appreciate me. If I do something nice for your ass, thank me, and if able, reciprocate. I hate ungrateful men; ungrateful people in general. If you know me, you know that I will go above and beyond, but if you meet my efforts with an ungrateful attitude... I'mma tell you something fucked up and you not gonna like it.

If you claim you love me, show it. You can tell me you love me all day long, but it means nothing when you behave the total opposite.

Don't lie. Uh-uh...don't do that. That should have been first on this list, but that's the beauty of an unordered list ;)


And I'm done for now. There might be another installment. Unfortunately, I gotta pay per hour to use internet, so a bitch is limited.

Ciaoxoxo

Lights, Camera, Action... Blackberry Porn

Blog Muffins! How art thou?

So...when last I wrote, I was contemplating on whether I should become a Blackberry porn star. Well... lights, camera, action, move aside Miss Jackson, dammit, there's a new starlett in town. *Cacklin*


We shot a lil scene Friday evening. I thought I'd be shy, but oddly enough, I'm not.

Maybe I'm just that comfortable with #4? It could have to do with the fact that I know he's not tech savvy and there's no way he could take it from my phone and put it on to his, or worse, upload it to gatdamn Youtube.

*cue in scary movie music*

But yeah, I'm quite comfortable being filmed. It may have to do with the fact that I think I'm cute and know my skills *shrug*

Few things I noticed were:

- I really am that damn good. Not to toot my own horn or anything *beep beep* but my performance was flawless. Like, some of these porn hos could learn a thang or two from the old gal Simone.

- I see why porn stars rock weaves. *sigh*
I was all set, yall! I had my hair all did up, put the front part up in a lil Chrisette Michele type pompadour,


but unfortantely #4 cant control his fuckin hands, and messed my shit up. Had the sides of my hair looking like Lovelace from mafuckin Happy Feet.


Not. cute. at. all.

-That Blackberry video camera light is brighter than African sunshine on an Albino's backside.


Like, I word up wanted to hit pause, throw on some Ray Charles type shades, some mafuckin sunblock and then continue handlin' my bidness.




Wtf? Damn, somebody couldn't warn a bitch?!

- Must find a way to get my nails done, or at least make sure my nails are painted at all times. I knew I had man hands, but gaaahdamn! Not attractive!!

- My eyes really are big. Now, this is a fact I've always been aware of, so for this reason I made sure to keep my eyes down for most of the mini flick. But even when they're closed...they're huge! Maybe next time I'll put some eyeshadow on 'em. Play it up a bit.

- Poor #4... got some nappy ass pubic hairs. Like, they need a cholesterol treatment, a hot oil treatment...or something.


They are in fact so nappy, that i was handling down there the other day and thought he had a bump or something. Of course I started freaking out, and he unraveled the pube like it was nothing. *blank muthafuckin stare*

I mean damn, they always felt nappy, but seeing them higlighted by Blackberry's lovely flash... makes them appear even worse. I can't...


So with that said, this lil broadcast needs a do-over. I shall try again this evening. Or something. I mean, I got free time on my hands and shit. *shrug* :D

In other events, I'm still here chillin. Me and #4 still fighting like cats and dogs. He ride my fuckin nerves I tell you. I like him best at night when he thinks I'm asleep. for one, he aint talking shit, and two, he hugs me and kisses my forehead and whispers sweet stuff. But when we're both up and alert... heaven help me talk to strangers!! I can't take him. He still makes me laugh, and he's still adorable though. What can I say? I'm a sucker.

That's all for now, folks.
Later gators!!

monie00x0x

Random Shit & Possible Youtube Shame

Ay dere muffins!!

I swear... my stomach always wants to act up when I'm out and about. I was just at my own spot, and now that I'm in the internet cafe... here comes the doo-doo monster doing the walk it out in my intestines. :(




#4 and i were "frolicking" (my new name for head-acrobatics, lol) and in the midst of me doing my thing he asks me, "Do you ever get tired?" I thanked him for his concern; told him that, yes, I do, but I am determined to be the best at everything I do (damn perfectionism). I then asked him to be quiet, and bust a nut so I can feel like I accomplished something today. *blank damn stare*

After mission got accomplished he tells me that I get better and better every time and then says "I wanna record you on my phone"

Ermmm.... Now, I'm all for freaky shit, I really am (so long as it doesn't involve my asshole or any baby batter in my mouth), but I've always been iffy about being recorded.

What happens if/when I become famous??

(Yeah, I know, its a bit far fetched, but for some reason I see red carpet in my future)

I don't wanna be a victim of youtube!

But dammit, I got caught up and agreed to it...after I did my hair...because it's been looking like hot shit due to the fact I had a lil cold and couldn't wash it.

So I guess if I'm ever shamed via youtube, at least I can say my hair looked nice that and healthy that evening due to this ApHogee protein treatment I'm about to put in it. *cacklin'*


I will also be a wee-bit proud of myself, because I have skills to rival Superhead. *shrug*

Anywho, I'm on an internet limit, so that's all for now. Perhaps tommorow?

Later Gators!

xoxomOnie
(always talking shit)

Ain't nothin going on...

Man, I love Jamaica. Even though I'm already pretty much broke. Nothing exciting has happened yet except for one argument with #4. Basically, he got upset because I went clubbing with my cousin, and doesn't like me/us being on the road so late. According to him the only people catching taxis at 1 in the morning are prostitutes. Which very well may be true because my cousin and I got propositioned. Some random dude saw us and yelled out "Business!!" which basically is asking if you're working your pussyhole. *blank damn stare*

Saturday, Cuzzy and I hit Jungle and Scrubadubs and had a blast. Next day I saw my sisters and 2 of my nieces and nephews. That evening #4 and I went for pizza with his housemates who have the cutest little daughter. She speaks nothing but Italian and Jamaican cusswords. After that we came home and #4 and i had it out. He caught me in a lie, because I lied and said we took a taxi home from the club and he told me he saw us come out the car with the dudes. So I fessed up, and told him it didn't matter because he's lied to me many a time and he also be fuckin other chicks and I know from reading his email . We argued for like 4 hours, agreed to disagree and then frolicked in bed for another 2 hours. ;)

Yesterday I was sick as fuck; spent the whole day in bed. I f #4 didn't come home til like 2, and then went back out for cold meds and such. I feel a bit better today.

I wish these people would stop looking at me like I got mafuckin swine flu. Cause I'm about to hit someone with this snotty rag. :/

That's all for now. Catch ya'll later!

Later babies!!

Real Quick...

I know I'm not the only one who sees a resemblance:


I just wanna be successful. Lmao.

So there's a movie based on LeBron James' high school career coming to the theaters..

uh.. why isn't this shit going straight to Cinemax?? Lionsgate...ya'll fuckin' up.

How did I ever forget to share this hilarious tidbit with ya'll?
So one afternoon me and #4 is getting it poppin and I decide to bless him with my head game ridiculous. While I'm down there I notice that it tastes a bit sweet. So I say to #4:

Me: You don't taste half bad. You're on the sweet side.

#4 looks nervous: You know, diabetes runs in my family. I wonder if it means I'm diabetic.

*moment of silence*

I was so stunned by the stupidity that I couldn't even laugh.

Yup... definitely a sign I need to bring things to an end

Anywho...

I know I'm not the only one who sees the resemblance:


Uhuh, go'n and admit it. Anyway, the school work awaits.

Lator Babies!

xoxomonie!

Jamaica--Scandalocity, Trollopcy, Pussy Stop Signs and Sociopaths

Muffins... I am dead ass tired, but after tomorrow, life is back to a halt thanks to school. The syllabi is threatening to cause nervous breakdown, heart disease, kidney failure, cancer, and just straight up... DEATH. So I regret to inform you... my antics will be a bit scarce til after Thanksgiving.
Let's recap, shall we?

*Monie props her legs up on the coffee table, picks her nose, looks at it...shrugs... and flicks it across the living room*

:)p

Let's talk about #4 and his madness.
*sigh*

I don't think I have ever argued with someone this much in my entire life. usually when i get into a cuss-out with a person, i'm in beef mode for like weeks, but #4 has a knack for making me laugh in the midst of what could be intense anger for me. Very much like in that Notorious movie where Big had Faith laughing by singing her some silly song.

And I don't like that shit. Don't rob me of my anger, dammit!

It would take too long to give the full story on all of #4's madness, but here's a un-ordered list of his fuckery

• #4 feels that it's ok to take the very last condom we have (that I brought) and keep it in his pocket.. "just because, no reason." this story will be explained later, as it makes no sense right now. carry on.
• #4 also believes that it is ok to take a girl to a bar "to have a nice evening out".
• #4 lied about his age. It turns out that he is not turning 28, but is in fact 24 going on 25. I saw his birth certificate.

now i interrupt this list to give you the story behind the condom. I shall call it:

I'm Walking Around With This Condom In My Pocket... Just Because- a short story.


So...the second week I was there, I went to visit my sister in Montego Bay for the weekend. Left Saturday, came back Monday. Left #4 with the key to my suite so he could come and go as he pleased. Even though I was on my own trifling bullshit (we'll talk about that later) I see that #4 is in fact up to some bullshit of his own.

That Friday before I left #4 and I had some of our usual mindblowing sex, and that left us with one condom. Jill Scott said it best, "one is the magic number."
Anywho, I made sure I put that one condom where I could see it in the nightstand.

Cause life is always about tests. Pass, Fail bitches.

So you can imagine my disbelief when I came back to the suite and saw NO CONDOM and some weed in the nightstand. I called my cousin and K (who happened to be in Jamaica--she was in Kingston though) screaming and packing up his shit.

Me: So I come back and WHY is the last condom we had missing? What the fuck? I know he doesn't have the nerve to fuck some next bitch w/ the condoms I done bought with my money. And I swear he better not have fucked her in my room.
*packing his clothes and setting them on the chair with two lada (plastic) bags on top for anything he may not be able to fit in the two bags he had. that's me, always being thoughtful :D*
K: that's crazy.... *launches into her own issues w/ her pop-off/boo in NY named Ty* Me: I got to go.
(Precisely why I have a therapist. Anytime I need to talk, people wanna launch into their own shit. Spare me)

So I call my lil cousin and tell her.

Little Cousin: Well you can't really be mad anyway, you had sex w/ someone else.
Me: Yeah, but still. Whatever. Whatever! I'm glad i did it. The shit was good too. Either this nigga produce this condom, which I doubt he will or he get the fuck out.
Little Cousin: We'll see.
So in strolls #4 around 11pm after work that night. I'm so mad I'm smoking cigarettes in my non-smoking room, and can hardly even speak to him.

So he goes on the veranda, smokes his weed, comes back in and says:

Him: So what's the matter now? Me: I'm not quite ready to talk about it.
So he starts guessing.

The second guess he hits it on the head.

Him: You don't see the condom in the drawer? Me: Yeah, where is it? Him: I just took stuff out the draw and put it in my pocket out of habit. Me: Yeah, but why would you take the condom? Who else are you fucking. Him: No one Me: Apparently someone. What made you take it w/ you?
to make a long story short we get to arguing and then he goes into his book bag and pulls out the condom and throws it on the bed.
Him: There it is. Me: So why are you carrying it around with you anyway?? Him: Why does it matter. It's right there. You just like to argue.

And on and on we go for about an hour why he can't just tell me why he took it with him in the first place. Never did get an answer. Don't really care. All I know is he be on his shit, and I be on mine. We agree to disagree.

*shrug*

The End


Aside from this we had several other arguments. Last Saturday he was supposed to take me on a Glass Bottom boat, and it didn't work for whatever reason. So of course I'm disappointed because he's been promising to take me since April. Even though the whole boat thing fell through, one would think that he'd find something else for us to do, but no, instead he's chopping it up w/ his friends. So I tell him I'm going across the street to the beach and he's asking me why I have an attitude. This turns into a disagreement that almost gets out of hand right there on the Negril 7 mile strip with both of us cussing each other out. There were even tears afterwards (shed by me out of anger, cause I wanted to rip his head off).

I think that was probably the last blow out we had, and everything was ok from then on. I don't want to fall for #4 and the up and down dysfunction and madness, but i have a little soft spot for his crazy ass. We agree that we do not understand each other much, but our spirits take to one another.
*rolls eyes*

Now lets talk about Sugar... the other 24 year old that popped off with.

This happened the same weekend of the above condom incident.

*raised eyebrows*

Now before I even got down to Mo Bay, her neighbor/ homeboy was checking for me. Apparently he saw me when I first arrived in Jamaica and stopped by my sister's house and proclaimed "it was love at first sight."

*Monie casts one of her infamous "nigga please" looks*

So, i wasn't even trying to hear his lameness... until I actually met him and saw what he looked like.

*Monie crosses and uncrosses her legs as she rocks back and forth*

Lawdy jeezus lawdy jeezus! The boy was damn...FINE. Ya'll hear me?

• Had the face--caramel complexion, chinky bedroom eyes, GAWGEOUS lips, nice nose, pretty teeth)
  
• Had the body---he must be drinking some extra fortified milk because he was thick to DEATH, but lean at the same time, nice pecs, legs, and an ass to rival Asafa Powell's.
• And he knew it, and thus, had that cockiness about him that I adore in a man. LOL
  

So I met him that Sunday. He came over to help out with cooking for the party. I'm inside the living room eyeing him, and he's eying me from the backyard, but I'm the type of girl who rarely puts herself out there.

I let them come hither.

Not cause I think I'm just the baddest bitch...but because I'm somewhat shy :)

So I go outside to get a paper towel close to where he is...cause I was sweating, plus I wanted to get a closer look. He's all smiling at me, and I smile back and go inside. Still no words exchanged. Next thing I know there's a huge downpour of rain and everyone runs inside the house. My sister brings him into her room to me and tells us to start talking.

So we're there making conversation. He's got me all nervous because he's staring at me and killing me with compliments. I didn't know what to do with myself.
As always, there's some shit to stink things up:

• He has a girlfriend
• He's 24
• He lives with his girlfriend
  

You know... same way it always goes for me. Someone play the violins, please.

Anyway, we start talking about physical attraction and sex, and here he goes telling me that even though he loves his girlfriend and he's happy with her, he would like the chance to be with me because he thinks we'd be good together. And even though he's young, he knows how to please a woman and how to make her comfortable

*crickets*

Boy puh-lease!!

But of course me being me, I'm always curious. So I entertain this madness and start asking questions. Next thing I know, he's lifting me up and bouncing me around like I weigh practically nothing. Now my curiosity is at its peak.

We both decide that we should fuck each other the following day.

So that next day is Monday and I'm going back and forth between should I do it/ should I not.

I reflect on the prior afternoon's Ving Rhames bounce-around and decide that I should.


It was rather good... but recalling it all now... not as good as #4. Additionally, his dick ain't as big as #4's. Overall, I'd give the pipe-game a 7.5. Also, might I add.. he gots to be one of the sweatiest mafuckas i ever smashed. I understand it's JA and the house had no AC but damn!

Word to the wise- several positions are great, however, don't switch things up too quickly.

But of course, as it always goes w/the Monie...this nigga tried to violate.

He tried to stick me without a condom.

Ya'll know I'm not in for that. I had to pull out the Pussy Stop Sign real quick.


Nigga, Halt!!!

See, we started off using the condom, and all was well. Halfway through, he decides he needs a break and takes it off, knowing we only had one. So I ease back from him and I'm chillin, however he's got other ideas in mind.

He was trying to convince me to just go for it, how he gets tested, and he never has sex with anyone but his girl.

Um, how bout no.

Nigga, you here creeping with me, but you don't have sex with anyone else???
You trifling.
So am I... but we talking about his ass right now.

Anywho. So he keeps trying to convince me, then tried to throw raw shaft on your girl. I promptly got up and started putting on clothes. After that he gave up and he went home to go shower.

I have not heard from his since. Nor do I care.

*shrug*

So, yes, that was those were the scandalous parts of my vacay. Aside from all that, I did a great deal of partying and chillin w/ my little cousin. Also getting to understand why it is #4 is the way he is. Not that I should care, but I'm curious about human behavior.

And his leads me to believe he's a socio-path. Go'n and click that there... you might have a sociopath in your cipher too. Those are the signs.

Sociopath and all, I have a little soft spot in my heart for #4-- which is not good. If you read that shit right there you will see that I need to leave him alone posthaste. We'll see how it all plays out. I'm trying to head back to the JA in December for a month. If I stay with him I can save a great deal of money and be okay to move into my DC apartment.

Yes, I know. Stupidity aflame, but hey... we all have our moments :D
I promise to do better...next year. LOL

Later Gators!

xomonie!

Stay tuned for the updates

Hey Blogbabies!

I know, I have been scarce. So much to tell you all about. Limited internet access because I have moved in #4's place the last week I'm here to save money. Unfortunately I will be bringing my trip to an end this Wednesday, but on the upside...scandalocity to come.

I done got some insurance dick from... let's call him Sugar. Cause that's what he likes to call himself for some strange reason I don't know. And wooo chile... Sugar slings the D like whoa. Details to come of how he picked me up and bounced me around like Ving Rhames did Mama in Babyboy

Additional fights between #4 and I... and how I felt myself gearing up to slap him with a piece of fruit.

And other tidbits from my vacay.

I know I have some folks to follow... I didn't forget ya'll ! and thanks for following me! I appreciate it.

monie

Summer's Eve Is For Your Vagina...and Other Realizations

things that this vacay has taught me about myself thus far:

i ain't meant for relationships/roomates. i know i always hem and haw about wanting one... but i'm selfish about certain shit. for one:

- i don't like anyone smoking up my cigarettes, leaving my ciggy case with like 3 ciggs in there.

sure, share the cancer and all that, but dammit, if you're not chipping in, go find your own, per Napoleon Dynamite.


It never fails! Every time I put my cigarette case down, #4 swipes more than half. What the fuck? Have some consideration!

and for two:

-don't use my Summer's Eve thinking its Body Wash. It's not. That shit is strictly for my vagina hole.

Lemme explain. I have a process for washing my vag.
Go'n and click that there. If you wash like this I PROMISE you, you're coochie will never smell off. You could be out all day and it will smell perfect. Unless you got some kinda infection, and in that case, I can't help you there. Planned Parenthood is where you should take your stankin coochie.

Anywho, Summer's Eve usually lasts me like 2 months.

I'm in the shower this morning, done washed the outer part of my coochie, and reach for the Summer's Eve and it feels awfully light. So I'm cracking up laughing and partially pissed because this could only mean #4 been bathing with my Summer's Eve.

Today we went to the Supermarket and I bought some more because I can't live without it. And of course they ain't got the Berry Bliss one for sensitive skin.

To top all this madness off they keep things like this behind a counter with a clerk so I have to ask if they sell Summer's Eve. Wtf????? But I had to buy it cause my vagina's PH would probably go haywire without it.

When we come back to the suite and we're unpacking groceries, I go to the bathroom to get my almost-empty bottle of Summer's Eve Berry wash.
Cause it's obvious I gots to school this nigga.

Clearly the Summer's Eve commercials don't come on in the JA cause he would have known.

*Monie holds up the bottle of Summer's Eve*
Have you been bathing with this?

*#4 looks at me like I'm stupid*
Yeah.

Me: It's for your vagina
*insert hysterical laughter*

#4...he's an adamant mafucka...

#4: No it's not! The one you bought is not the same. It doesn't say that on the bottle.

Me (still laughing): it's the same. this one is for normal skin. but summer's eve is for vagina. use the Avon body wash please. Thanks.

Other shit I realize:

-I hate food shopping with men. They always wanna buy the entire store and cook like they're cooking for 7-10 people and not 2.

- What is the point in being bunned up if dude aint gonna tell you how fly you look whenever you go out?

- Even though I have Jamaican background there's clearly some shit that doesn't transfer over the culture barriers.

Story time!

The other day I get a call in the room and its the chef here asking for #4. So I tell him he's at work. So while I got him on the phone I ask him if he has a trash bag and he says yeah, come for it. When I get there he starts talking about #4 saying that's his friend and whatever.

So somehow we got on the topic of cooking and I was telling him that i was making dinner and he asks if he can taste my hand (can he taste the food). No big deal; I run him up a plate and go get on the internet.

So I mention it to #4 later that night and he got PISSED. Like, I have never seen him this pissed. He's like how anyone could tell me anything and he don't know the guy like that and I know all his friends and how my head is light (basically saying I'm an airhead). So I tell him he's making a big deal of nothing, and go to the bathroom. He comes into the bathroom after me and says:

"I'm checking to make sure you're not in here cutting your wrists. Cause I know you're crazy."

Yup. Pause and light a cigarette.

So I say to him:

"You better get the fuck away from me before I cut you."

Him (mad): What??

Me: You heard me. Why would you even say that shit to me? Where am i supposed to get a knife from anyway

Him: Cut me? I will shoot you.

He starts going off about how too many of his friends have died at the hands of a woman. I'm not surprised. If they were anything like him...mhn

Me: Do it then.

So we get into arguing again and I'm telling him he's basically mad at me for something I did that I didn't even know was wrong. We both go to bed. I wake up; I'm over it, but he's not. He's ignoring me the whole day.

So I wrote him a letter since he refused to talk.

Him: What is this?

Me: A letter.

#4 proceeded to set my letter on fire and throw it in the sink.

Yup... pause and drink some water.

So by now I'm upset to the point of tears cause I'm angry. So he comes to me and says "If you want to talk, talk"

So I'm basically telling him that I thought dude was his people cause he called the room. Why would he give out the room number if it was some random person. He calms down a bit after that and says:

"The guy saw me go to work today. Called to me and everything. So he must have other reasons why he's calling up there"

I'm like , hell how would I know all that. So after we clear that up he tells me he just needs some time and space. Cool, whatever. The next day he comes home from work and he's telling me how much he cares about me this that and the third. Bla bla blaaaah

Whatever.

That happened Tuesday, and things have been cool since. He took me to Margaritaville and a few other clubs since then so we're alright now.

Boy this shit I put up with for the love of nightlife and multiple orgasms...

Other than that... I guess I'm alright. We went out last night and had a good time after his weed fit. He has a serious weed problem. I lost his weed and he was acting like a fucking head case. I asked him if he was going through withdrawal. He got mad and took a shower in the dark.

Probably with Summer's Eve. Lmao

This afternoon we had a ball talking about music and I realized why I liked him in the first place. Cause the past few days I had forgotten.

So yeah...shit like this is why I can't be in a relationship. I know ya'll are like, duh Monie, clearly he aint relationship material. Yup, I totally understand that. But it's just a lesson that you have to accept people for their quirks and strange behaviors along with the good parts.

I can't do it.

I just can't...

later blog babies. i got some subscribin' to do! :)

hey blogbabies!!!

i've been scarce. here enjoying Jamaica for the third time around this year. partying, minimal drinking, a smattering of mosquito bites... and #4 is back up in the mix.

*blank damn stare*

yeah, i know.. but a chick got needs. also, i have to give credit where its due.. he's been coming out the pockets for me since i got here. i guess he learned his cheap ass lesson. ya'll remember the cheap shit he pulled (go'n and click that there). however, #4 has quite a few aliases...and shit like that gets me to wondering. keep reading, i'll get to that later.

I flew in Wednesday, and Thursday my favorite cousin came to stay with me. we haven't seen each other in 5 years (she's been in England), but it was just like old times.

On Friday #4 took us out to the go-go/dancehall club (Scrub-a-dubs) and we had the best time and lots of laughs and jokes. We ended up sleeping over his house because he cussed out the security guard lady and then she cussed us all out and told me i couldn't have my guests stay because i have a single occupancy room. so now thanks to him anytime i have an overnight guests, i can't just be cool w/ security, i gotta pay $15 for every over night stay.
ugh.
that shit is gonna add up. so im lightweight torn between staying and finding somewhere else to stay. i will make up my mind on thursday though. i think what i'll do is just get a double occupancy room once my week is up.

oh yeah. lemme tell ya'll about #4's aliases. So, Saturday after him, my cousin, and I came from his house, we're catching a taxi and he's talking on the phone. My cousin hears him tell the person "It's Ryan."

Hmm.

So he gets off the phone and cuz is like "Your name is Ryan?" and he's like "My friends call me Ryan." And then he gets kinda quiet. Now, he aint never told me about no other name so i'm like, interesting.

today he left his i.d. in my room and what i believed to be his first name AINT EVEN HIS FIRST NAME! wtf?

now, i'm not tripping too hard because when i first started talking to him he did tell me that this name was his middle name. either way... some mafuckin lying is going on .

and i don't too tough like that shit.

i feel like i'm gonna find out a lot in these 3 weeks...
Carmen Sandiego is on the bloodclaat case. Whaaaaa? Shutuppppp. :/

however... he's still beating it up. i know, i'm a Slore, sue me.

He laid me the fuck OUT on the kitchen floor of my hotel room thursday night... and lets not even talk about last night... or this afternoon.
*in my New Orleans drawl*
Baby....


all i can say is he slang dick like he was born to do it. i'm convinced there's a scientific link between canibus and dickey rides.

*wipes brow*

Well, I'mma run along and get in the shower. We're supposed to go to this bar. No doubt I'll be washing my hair tommorow...cause he sho nuff gon' mess it up tonight. LOL.

To my new followers, thank you! And I can't believe I'm at 204 followers! Ya'll make a gal's day :D

besos!

Taking Steps Out the Closet

Whenever someone is brave enough to allow themselves to be vulnerable by sharing their thoughts or talents with this world, I stand in admiration of them. It's not as easy as a lot of people think. Many of us dim that light we could be shining so brightly on others because we are afraid we won't be accepted; someone won't like what it is that we have to say. What we do. How we look. What we fail to grasp a lot of the time is that it will always be something.

So in knowing that; say "heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" , do a tranny dance, and let it all hang out. Messiness and all!

I've spent several years of my life with my own light bulb switched off. God has blessed me with several gifts; particularly one of the most imaginative and creative minds that I know of. I've been using this talent to help me write since I was about seven; when my second grade teacher gave me a journal (Thanks Norma! :D ) I have about 5 finished books sitting in storage in Maryland; with one still in the works. Very few of my friends have had the opportunity of reading them.

Because the perfectionist in me is also the part of myself that keeps me in fear.

I feel like whatever I create HAS to be perfect.If I get up to sing, I better sound perfect. If I draw something, it had better be perfect. Clothes, better be perfect. Makeup, most definitely better be perfect!

But what is perfect anyway???

(I'm starting to hate that word)

I've just finished reading Staceyann Chin's The Other Side of Paradise and its brought a lot of things into perspective for me.

If you haven't read it, you should. Won't give out the whole story , but she basically takes you through her life growing up in Jamaica where all the odds were against her. To top it all off she comes to realize she's a lesbian in a country that is NOT tolerant of homosexuals AT ALL , but comes out the closet anyway.

Why am I inspired? Because I LOVE and RESPECT people who are not ashamed to be themselves despite what others might say, to the FULL. To me that's the most courageous thing anyone could do in a world where people are critical and hateful of anything they may not understand. A lot of you who blog about your lives, your deepest thoughts, sexuality, whatever it may be; I love you for that. You didn't have to share, but you did. And I appreciate all of you who read my blog, because I'm allowed to let out every side of myself that I would have otherwise just kept silent in fear of being told "you're a wierdo".

Yes, I write under a pen name, and only 4 friends(aside from my therapist) know that I write this blog; but its because I like the freedom to write about any and everything/everyone without getting phone calls saying "who the fuck i think i am to be writing shit about..."
This is truly therapeutic, because whatever I write knows no boundary. The friends that do follow me; they are people I can say ANYTHING to, and for that I love them.

Is this hypocritical since I'm talking about being true to thine self today? It is. Not that I'm apologizing for being myself, there's just certain things I'd rather certain people in my life didn't know. Be selective ya'll... you never know who might wanna blackmail yo ass.

Will I ever truly come out the closet so to speak? Maybe.

Anyway, like I was saying, I admire Staceyann Chin for her courage to just be herself. For leaving Jamaica to be able to live her life out, proud (and way more peacefully I assume) in America. For not letting poverty or lack of supportive family hold her back. Being courageous enough to always speak up and share her poetry and memoir with this world. For never allowing anyone to turn off her light.

And when I feel like I want to put the dimmer on mine, I will remember her story and everyone else I believe to be a hero, and turn my light up all the more brighter.

xoxo-
Monie

Groupie Sex Tale: MAVADO & the Two Hundred Dollar Ho

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

lax & late, but Dear God, I'm here!! Like Miss Cielie

...but dear God... I'm here!!!!

Hey my fellow bloggies :D

I feel like I've been gone so long. That damn UMUC is interfering with our relationship, ya'll!! So glad I'm only taking this one class this semester, cause honeys ...

*stomp*

I feel like I'm on the plantation.

Glad to read that most of ya'll are doing well. I do read; may not always comment, but I read from my reading list :D

In other events---
Fourth of July weekend was cool. Me and K hit up this club in the Hamptons, snuck into the VIP (I'm still wondering how) all because she wanted to meet Trey Songz. Now as some ya'll know, I was quite mad at Trey (click that there) , but after seeing how handsome he was in person, I'm a little more forgiving. In fact, I'd even add him to the "I'd Smash" list. And I shall... in the next edition. Stay tuned for that...

Facebook Drama
*Baptist Preacher-esque stomp and spin*

Lawd, lawd, LAWD!!!!

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago out this mafucka, cause I have some questions!?

Oh, there she go. Carmen, sleuth this shit out for me, please!

So why did Old Head and his "woman" try to bring the insanity into Monie's world the other day via facebook?? This girl wrote me, pouring out her heart.

Now, if you can or can't remember, click that there) when I was first introduced to her she snubbed the shit out of me, so now it's funny that she's here spilling out her relationship woes to the kid. I won't post it all, because the joint was long as hell, but I feel really bad for her.

Apparently, Old Head is abusive, disrespectful, a cheater, and a liar. As per his woman, "he has a sex addiction, a fat bitch addiction, and has betrayed me in the worst ways"

Mnh-sha-na-na-na! Sojourner Truth they telling lies, and I'm glad the ho ain't mine!!!

I mean, I pretty much knew all of that except the abuse part. I have no love for an abusive man. None. I don't even want to speak to him anymore. After she wrote me, I called him to ask him what the hell his problem was, and he had not one valid answer. Then after I get off the phone w/ him he's emailing me telling me he wants to fuck.

Uh, I think not, Old Nigga.

He's one of them dudes that like to play childish games and make a woman feel insecure. All I can say is, God never makes a mistake. I am so glad I didn't end up in a relationship w/ his crazy ass. One of us would be seriously injured... and I'm not talking about myself.

What else.. what else?? Oh, yes, #4... ya'll probably won't be hearing about him anymore. We had a somewhat amicable parting via text message. I wanted to do it by phone, but, I wasn't wasting my phone bill on his ass.

Like a lot of you commented on the last post, he ain't shit. I'm taking Pop Pop's advice and "throwing water on him." He was just getting all kinds of out of hand and wreckless; talking to me out his neck. I can't do it. He's too damn far away to be causing drama. You can't tell these men that they have good cockgame, I swear. It gets to their head and they start acting like their dick is more golden than Michael Jackson's casket.

You could have the platinum dick out this mafucka, I won't tolerate it.

I might still fuck ya, lls, but I won't tolerate not being treated like a princess.

See, I'm like Ariel, I don't wear a crown. That's like, sooo retro! *rolls eyes* :D

So yeah, I require lots of attention, affection, compliments... all that good stuff. When I don't get that, I roar. I'm a Leo *shrug* and we're like that. Regardless or not if its a jump off. I treat my jump offs pretty well, if I do say so. References available upon request (kidding :D )
I talk to them like they matter, and sometimes I even hug them! Now since I was feeling #4 I gave him treatment a little bit above this. And look at what I get.

Someone bring the imaginary donkey from the back, please.

*Enter pet donkey*

Donkey: Hee haw, hee haw, bitch!*

Yeah, thanks.

*exit Donkey*

I guess I'mma have to keep shit real sub-standard the next time around. Hopefully there will be no next time around , and I'll be settled down. I'm claiming it.

Well, that's it for now, kiddies. 15 minute break, then back to my grind. Hopefully I'll have some tales from this weekend. Going on one of those Mohican Sun-Lobster Fest bus trips that leave from BK and BX. Should be a lot of interesting characters. :D

♥ Monie!

Recappin' & Recoverin' from D'Piglett (D'Swine Flu's Baby Cousin).. sex and girdles and whatnot

So I came in from the JA last Tuesday sick as a dog, ya'll. I started feeling sick after that Thursday night in Jungle , but it wasn't so bad until Monday morning. I blame #4. Afterall, he was complaining of a sore throat, kissing me all up in my mouth. And I let him.

Hee haw, hee haw - Simone is a donkey. I know.

In other events--- #4 is thisclose from being kicked out the door. Lemme tell ya'll what he done did.

So, the last evening I was there I took my sister and him out to dinner since it was her birthday. After we finished eating, my other sister came up there w/her homeboy. Let's call the homeboy Sprite.

Because he's a thirsty ass mafucka. And I do not like the Sprite in him. :(
(Details to come later)

Anywho...so everything is cool, I walk off to the side to chitchat w/my crazy ass sisters, and Sprite stays at the table w/ #4. Both of them are on their phones, so I aint paying it no mind.

Eventually the waitress comes w/ the check, and I'm short the cash and they don't take debit card. So I asked #4 if he had the money , $740 Jamaican; which is probably about $5 US. He tells me he didn't have it, and what irked the shit out of me is that I knew he did because he was paying for the taxi to take us back to the hotel and to take him home. It wasn't even that serious, cause I would've given it back to his cheap ass. So Sprite takes out $1000 and gives it to me. Needless to say I was EMBARASSED. So everyone leaves and #4's cheap ass and I stay there since it was on the beach. I would've left his black ass there too, but the craving for dick was too strong.

I know, I'm a bitch in heat. Sue me.

Anywho, we gets it poppin' on the beach. This I did not plan for. Let me tell ya'll what I had on and you will understand why:

• A fitted tshirt


• some jeans


• my vintage Valentines Day Uptowns


• and under this lowkey get up, my Flexees girdle.
  

We'll call this segment of the blog:
Monie Gets Caught Out There Again- Reasons to Add More Situps to the Workout- A Short Story

My tummy is not flat.

*lone tear roll down Monie's left cheek*

It is the hardest place for me to lose weight, probably due to Cortisol and me being a stressbandit. In the meantime as I'm on this weight loss journey to go from a size 10 to a slender size 6 I opt to wear weight control "intimate apparel".

I'm talking girdles, ya'll. And Spanx too!

I have an assortment of these intimate apparel, and I hold them dear to my heart. My favorites are the Flexees because they reach all the way up to your bra strap so there's no backfat hanging out. I love my Spanx second best. I like to call myself a master of the girdle. I even know how to pee without taking 'em off! However, I haven't mastered fucking with them on. And here lies the problem.

Now, the Flexees girdle looks something like this, without the leg part.


Sometimes I even put something like this over the girdle or my spanx:

Why?
Because I'm a sucker for looking neat in my clothes. I don't like seeing bulges and rolls here and there. It's not cute. Yup. I said it.

"Pop off!!"
(Lls-- gotta love that Tanisha)

Anywhosit...usually if spontaneous trolloping should ensue, I'm somewhere with a bathroom so I can slip in there, take off Fantasia and Alexandria (my girdles) in private; give Pocahontas a bit of a wash, and get my P-poppin on. There's nothing sexy about undressing and taking off a girdle in front of a man. Plus men are sensitive and can't really handle that. They will have all kinds of questions, and you know I'm not in for the talking when it's time to get it crackin'. So for the sake of everyone involved, I de-girdalize in private.

Now while we were on the beach I was able to finagle the sitchy-ashun by standing behind the chair we bought out to the water. I just pulled my jeans and girdle down with one firm grip. That part wasn't so bad. The hard part came in trying to make sure I didn't put it on backwards. Luckily this did not happen.

Usually I have some kind of how-to for ya'll regarding donkey situations like this, but I haven't come up with a skill set to finesse taking off a girdle in front of a man. If any of ya'll know how, please share.

The End.

So anyway.... let's fastforward to the ride to the airport.

My sister and Sprite came to take Sissy Dear and myself back to the airport, and on the way to the airport Sprite starts telling us all how while he was on his phone #4 was on his phone talking to some chick, calling her "baby" and when the girl asked where he was, he said he was at work. I
*gasface*
I'm not even really pissed off at the fact that #4 is talking to other chicks; this is something I would have to be a dumb ass not to know, but for him to do it infront of other people.
More embarassment on top of the cheap stunt he pulled.
Needless to say, I wasn't feeling this situation. I was so sick from D'Piglett after flying and all that, that when he called me I didn't have the energy to ask him about it so I told him to make sure he called me the next day so I could ask him something.

He calls me the next day and I asked him about it ever so casually, like I didnt have a care in the world. He gets quite vexed saying how the girl he was on the phone with was one of his co-workers, and everyone calls everyone babes in JA, and that he never told the girl he was at work and it sounds like my sister and Sprite just want me to be with someone else, possibly Sprite.

I didn't even push it, but he starts acting funny style to me like I did something to him.

*enter my imaginary drag queen Trannyque; she got somethin' to say about this*

No, no, no bitch, that is not the way it goes. Monie ain't in for all that!

*snap, snap, neck roll and exit Trannyque*

So yeah. for the rest of the week he was being quite short with me. One time he even came out his face and told me he didn't really have anything to say to me and that I should go to sleep or do homework because he's about to go do some "man stuff". I was so in shock that I couldn't cuss him out properly.

So I read his trifling ass via text; something along the lines of I'm not feeling his fucking attitude and that I am not the one to chase after no nigga, so if he doesn't want to be bothered, cool. He called me that night and I didn't answer. I had my sister call him back, pretending she didn't know his number and to tell him that I was out at the club, which he hates. Now he's all apologies and niceness. Whatever. He can go blow in the wind. We live too far from each other for him to be a thorn in my side. I need this nigga to understand he is vacation dick. ugh.

And I don't even know who/what to believe because Sprite been calling my phone trying to holla at me AND CALLING MY SISTER TRYING TO HOLLA AT HER as well! And I found out that nigga is married. Needless to say, I throw him to voicemail.


Homewrecker, I am not.

Homewrecker is she though...

Hehehe, I know.. I'm a bitch.

So that's what it is for now. I'm gonna be really scarce for weeks to come. Coursework is a beast!

xoxoxmonie!