been a minute, yeah i know. Slap me.

Hey muffins!

How I've missed thou. I've just been going through lots of personal changes. Not that that's an excuse. But. Whatever.

Life is pretty good. Just grinding, knocking out this certificate, and weeding out the waste in my life. By waste I mean particular people. Unfortunately this included folks who I considered very near and dear to me. Then i realized that I wasn't nearly as near and dear to them.


You've heard it before. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
It's been my experience that hos be lasting a season and many a time they don't never have no reason. I can count on my hands who's been around a lifetime. I won't blame said hos. Lots of times it's my own fault. But whatever. Either way, those meant to be in your life will be there. Those who are not, will make their exit.

One thing's for certain, two things for sure- you won't even miss them after a while.


Spent Christmas in the JA. My family came down as well, and my family and my fiance's families met. My family met my fiance' for the first time. I am glad to say he passed the test :)

We had lots and lotsa fun. Lotsa rum. Monie got lots of relations. Woo chir'rens! I shall touch more on that when I get home though. Don't wanna give the goodies on the work pc :)

Well, that's all for now folks.

Later gators!
**_monie

Three Years Later… Post Glory Days, and Other Bullshit

I turned 28.

*dead pause*

And as dry as that sentence was is exactly how I spent it.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be alive; Praise God, but as much as I hate to admit it—I’m truly an old bitch grown up now. I remember when I went home to recuperate from life back in 2007 all I wanted was for my anxiety to be gone so I could go to happy hours and clubs with my peoples, drank tequila, and paint the town red…and green, and mafuckin gold.

But no more.

I would love to say it’s because the old crew has disbanded, people who used to love you no longer love you, you no longer love them, bitches got kids and shit, et cetera et cetera. But honestly, even if I had the chance to do it—I don’t think I’d want to.

I am in fact the reason that I am an old bitch.

When you spend 3 years working to feel calm (and this is still in progress), learning to be still when all you want to do is run (for no damn reason at that) ; facing things, and being a grown ass woman—the last thing on your agenda is guzzling dranks and dropping it down low to the floor.

I mean, even when I heard my favorite club (Love) had re-opened I still didn’t feel compelled to go out. That was when I knew it was over for me, because back in the day if I heard the gang was going to Love, I all but wet my panties.

Besides. None of my bad bitches were here to hit it up with me. Plus, I might still be on the banned list from that one night…

*blankstare*

We’ll talk about that hot mess another day. Anywho.

Trust me, I ain’t knocking nobody if this is still their thing. It’s just not mine anymore. And I accept that.

Sheeit…all I wanna do is remain happy, grow closer to God, work this job, get my IA certificate, make more money, marry my baby (most days), have us a baby (most days) , and enjoy feeling calm. I guess I wanna do a lot. But its feasible.

Anyway, I did end up going home for my birthday. Oddly enough the only friends that came to see me were my homey Tamika, Nay, and *gasp* the Drunken Munchkin aka DM.

DM and I have developed quite the friendship actually. He’s actually cool as hell, and I can see why we were best of friends in middle school. I don’t even mind that he’s a chatterbox now. Could be because he’s not generating conversation that’s cutting into dick-time.

*Shrug*

He’d been telling me for weeks he had something to tell me. I guessed either he got someone pregnant or was getting married.

DM swung by my house and he and I went for a walk around the block and he admitted the former: DM gon’ be a daddy ya’ll.

This is truly weird. I can’t picture him as someone’s dad. I can only see him as the nasty trollop who kisses really great, gives spectacular head, and throws some of the meanest penis. But in spite of that, he gon’ be somebody’s daddy.

Apparently it doesn’t change the freak in him cause he was trying to convince me to fuck for old time’s sake. I had to let him know it wasn’t gon’ happen. And then we walked back to my house and had ice cream cake and laughed til the wee hours of the morning.

Went to church the next day (my actual birthday), napped and flew back to the urrrea. Spent that evening on Skype with my future. I love his sexy ass. *cheese*

Truth be told though- sometimes he be getting on my nerves. I know the reasoning is gonna sound silly, but hey, I’m me and it is what it is.

Here’s the gripe I have with relationships. I love being in them until about the 6 month mark. Because that’s when the newloveydoveysupersweetfuzzy feelings wear off. For the men in my situations at least. Is it wrong for me to want that newloveydoveysupersweetfuzzy feeling to last forever? I think it bothers me so much because when I fall in love with someone, I always have that newloveydoveysupersweetfuzzy feeling. It never wears off for me. Unless a nigga just don’t have any actright.

*scratching head*

Then again, the longest halfway healthy relationship I’ve ever been in only lasted about 8 months or so.

Anyway, my man is acting like the love’s going old. Not calling and texting like he used to. I know he’s not misbehaving, I just feel like I’m putting more of my heart into it than he is. I know he loves me. I just want him to be crazy about me like he used to be. Like, I want him to always feel that way. Because of this we get into stupid arguments which often end with me apologizing to him because this ideology of mine, I admit, is halfway crazy. All I can do is pull myself back to even the score. Thing is, I don’t want to. I never want to hold myself back when it comes to loving my other half. I thought I had found someone who loved the same way I did, but now I’m not so sure. And this poses a problem, because we’re supposed to get married in December. I’m not so sure I can marry someone who isn’t as wrapped on in me as I am in them. I’ll have to go into deep prayer on this one.

*sigh*

When it aint one thing its another.

Later Gators.

Xomuah!monie__♥

Such is life...

Hey Cupcakes!

Yup.. I'm still around. Glad to see some of ya'll are as well...and welcome back Miss Bella. I missed you.

Still here in DC trying to catch up on life and thangs. Already looking for my next apartment cause the rent here is higher than Richard Pryor in the late 70's!!s

Gonna move into a nice part of SE DC.
Wish me luck.

I do need to find me some friends though. Some new ones. The old ones I still fucks with are always busy and I'm alone way more than I should be. If it weren't for church and me running my mouth with everyone who seems normal and bus drivers, I'd have no human contact. I talk to people at work, but my boss is Hitler in a knockoff Tahari suit and has everyone uptight so we don't really say much to each other.

Speaking of work, basically, Monie don't do shit all day and gets paid handsomely for it. I wish I were able to do something, but my boss is a miserable micromanaging hellion. This ho talks more shit than a lil bit about everybody. She did me real dirty this week, and muffins, I tell you....If I didn't know my Jesus, and if I didn't have class in the daytime... I would have told this heifer about herself, her vagina, her mama, and her whole generation.


Anyway, so here I am. Master's in hand (the piece of shit degree finally came in the mail), doing nothing that has to do with marketing...doing nothing at all. I can't even get on blogger and type like I want to because my PC screen is like friggin 25 inches and everyone walks past my desk. But, Monie's no fool. I done found friends in some important places there and they're mentoring me for my next come up. Stay tuned.



I'm trying to make myself write more these days, but oddly enough... the more content I am, the more boring I become.

Go figure.

Muah! Love you muffins!
xo

H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S

H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S


Bet ya’ll didn’t know that word was an acronym.

Monie, say what?

Hell fuckin’ yeah.

Look it:

*Monie hurriedly scribbles the the following word vertically on her imaginary chalkboard and uses the chalk to point out each letter to your attention*


H is for Hustling

O is for Others'

M is for Money

E is for Eating (and drinking too) and

L is for Living free off of

E veryones

S hit and finally

S for So the fuck what, bitch?

*Chalk snaps in half from all the hard pointing. Monie throws what’s remaining in her hand somewhere over her shoulder and barely misses Dinka cat’s head*
Good-bye T.O.N.Y., Hello H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S.!

Solange aint the only bitch that can make an acronym out this mafucka!

H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S - Got it, everybody?
Now for today’s diatribe.
*Cue in T.O.N.Y instrumental*

I don’t like homeless people. That’s right, I said it. I don’t.
I feel like 99% of them are living foul-like—begging for money under false pretenses of being hungry and having no money for the bus. Meanwhile, they got more money than me because during the 8 hours I’ve been busting my ass for about $35 dollars an hour (that gets tax-raped down to like $17) you, oh Homeless Wonder, have been sucking dick tax free for crack and Popeye’s Chicken.

(Click on these pics to enlarge-- they're a must see)

And if he (or she) is one of them new age Nomads like the ones that bless DC and NYC they fucks with nothing but Starbucks, Coca Cola, and Fiji water.

Monie, say what!?

Oh yes!! They are brand whores for real. I implore you to keep reading!

Well damn, bitch-- why are you so mad about it?

Really, it’s a combination of a whole lot of things, but I ain't got time for all that.

The main reason I’m so mad is because I KNOW for a fact (ok, maybe not a fact, but I have a strong ass feeling) that these ho’s are holding no less than $40 bucks after they done got through a day’s “work”.

Story time.
Yesterday, the 21st century nomad that posts up by my job asked me to spare some change. Now, I have watched old boy very closely since I’ve begun working at my job.

Every morning around 7:30 I see him sipping STARBUCKS coffee or Frappuccinos.

Every evening he’s across the street from Starbucks posted up in front of CVS panhandling for bus fare, snacks, and the cold drink of his choice. Make note that he only panhandles evenings.

What’s on his agenda in the mornings??

Mmmhmm.



Dick suckin’ and crack smokin’.
Swallow it, gargle it.



Sometimes I see this ho ass fucka on the bus. He rides it 3 whole stops and gets off. And! Wait for it….he wears an exceptionally clean pair of Jordans. Yes. JORDANS. I kid you not.



See, I’d respect ‘em more, and would probably even dip into my pocket *blankdamnstare* if these bastards told the truth or didn’t yell out demands to me.



So now that you have the background on this mafucka--- continue on.

Anywho, when he begged for my money I kindly told him that I debit everything and don’t carry cash. Which is true. Right now I exactly One Cent in my wallet, 2 void checks and $10 Jamaican dollars which is probably equivalent to…half a cent. Dead ass. After I said this to old boy, he yelled out something that left me fuckin’ flabbergasted.

Wooo chile, tell us what he said!

Sheeeiit…would I be me if I didn’t?

This muthafucka said,

“Well when you go inside bring me back out a Coca Cola!”

Say whaaaaa?!

*In my best Solange voice*

Homeless don’t beg no mo’/ They be makin’ requests oh noo

Yes, ladies! This fool didn’t even ask for something to drink, he demanded his choice of soda. Mind you, if I had, it would mean I’d have to walk in the opposite direction of where I’m going. He got a lot of nerve! I guess not having a home doesn’t stop a man from acting like a man, huh? *blank.damn.stare*

Just for kicks, I looked at the price of Coke and it was $1.79, which probably after tax brings it up to $2.00 and change. Part of me wanted to go back and elbow buss him in his dusty ass head. Because I can do a whole lot of shit with two dollars.

Let me break down the value of $2.00 in Monie’s world:

- That’s one day’s travel to and from work (or at least it was until Metro hiked fares yesterday—thanks ya bastards)

- A four piece chicken nuggets and fries at the Golden Arches—which Monie’s fat ass shouldn’t be eating, but still.

- One load of clothes washed (or dried) in the laundry room

- One can of frozen concentrated juice which I am forced to buy thanks to this severe case of broketivity I’m experiencing

- A box of Rice-a-roni. You know, The San Francisco Treat? Yeah, that shit

- A small Lucerne brand coffee creamer. I need this off brand shit for my coffee. So I can stay awake at work while I stay busy pretending to be busy

- Not just one, but two bags of sliced bread.

- 3 international text messages at.60 cents each.

.

Seriously, I could go on forever, but ya’ll get my point


“I coulda been alright by now if it wasn’t for H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S ”

*Monie blows bangs out of her eyes*

Later ya’ll. I know u loved these pics--- especially Khaki dearest :)

Unmotivation, Baby Fever.. eh...

I think I'm going through a point in my life where I'm just... I don't know. I feel unmotivated. And plain fuckin bored. There's so much I want to do that I'm not doing.

For instance, even with this blog. I've slacked off majorly, and I'm mad at myself for that. I wanted to turn this joint into a book by next year, but I dunno. Even now that I do have the time to write I haven't been. I want to publish one of my books or at least start a new one and complete it by next year, but I haven't gotten started.

I just feel stuck in a rut.

I blame the University of Maryland.

Since I've finished I'm just not motivated to write anything. I can't even stand opening a Microsoft Word document beccause I get flashbacks of 25 page papers.

It would be nice if I could have gone away for like 6 months after school finished.

Something's gotta give.

Even certain friendships. I haven't been keeping up with them, but that's mainly because folks got their own shit going on. So I've stayed to myself. Of course this poses a problem, because I'm always alone. I have no human stimulation outside of church on Sundays. My fiancee' doesn't live here , but we're always on the phone or Skype. Therefore, my phone bill is higher than Frankie and Lil Wayne put together.

My friends who do live in this city are always busy. My girls have all started families, and I haven't even seen Pop Pop since I moved down, which is shocking as hell. I guess he just outgrew me or something. *shrug*

Now I see why bitches' biological clocks be ticking. It is my theory that after a certain age people make babies because they get bored with life and want something to do. Dare I say it... having a baby doesn't sound like a bad idea to me these days.

Anywho, stay up ya'll.

I'll be back.

Don't Buss Yo Pussy Open for Niggas That Run In the Same Circle-- A Club Story

Hey Muffins!

Hope all is well with everyone out there in Blogland. As things are winding down to my departure date from NY, I've been going out in hopes of having fun.

*rolls eyes*

Can somebody please tell me where the eff is all the fun to be had in this city that is NY?? Very rarely have I gone out and had fun (unless I was shitfaced drunk).

K dragged me out to Quo (formerly Prime, formerly whatever else, cause these mafuckas switch up names so much I can't even keep count) again this week in hopes to find her ex-jump off to make him jealous. We saw him there last week and he dissed her.

*Monie sighs, lights up a cigarette, and puts her feet up on the Ottoman*

Let me just say this. Ladies, if your pop off plays you; just take it in stride and keep it moving. Don't get it in your mind that you are his woman and try making him jealous. He gives not a fuck, and neither should you.

We'll press on this topic later though.

*raised eyebrows*

I digress...

Sooo, for one, last night was damned brisk. And it was raining. I didn't anticipate standing on line since we went with the promoters, but apparently, promoters truly ain't shit anymore because even they can't get anyone in the club. We got there 10-ish (which as most of you know is mad early for NY nightlife) so we were able to beat the $30 club charge. Since when did women have to pay over $20 anywhere??

That recession is still rockin out hard, huh?

So. Me and K are there along with some other Chucky Cheese hos

the promoters brought along with them. Like, no lie. They were 20 and 21. The 20 year old had to pay the bouncer to let her in. Now, ain't nothing wrong with young hos; cause afterall, once upon a time I was a young ho.

However...these dudes are like 25 and up. Why the hell they rocking out with babies, I don't know. And they weren't even cute babies. :(

One of them seriously needed to be swaddled in a fleece blanket and taken back to her crib.

The child had on a pleather jacket that criscrossed so her entire chest was out, some tight black sweater dress and kitten heels. Her hair was a hot atrocity both before the rain and after. This bitch had no umbrella, no hood, not even a plastic shower cap. We stood on that line for about half hour. By the time we got in she was soaked. K felt so bad for her she bought her a shot of Patron to warm her up. Lawd, I pray she don't catch pneumonia.

Now, I call myself not drinking anymore, but I needed to warm up too, so I had 2 shots of Patron. Which did absolutely nothing. Not even a buzz. :(

Anywho, the Romper Room hos go off and do their thing, and we go meet up with the promoters after we leave the bar. These wack ass niggas are all sitting around in the VIP section, on their Blackberries, doing and saying absolutely nothing.

So I whipped out my Blackberry and headed over to that nice, warm place that always makes me feel so...fuzzy inside. Yup:

*rolls eyes*

Mannnnn....when you have to be on Facebook in the clubhouse you know it's bad!

So, I'm on there; K's dancing around on the prowl for ex jumpsy, but spots this other dude she thought was cute.

Now, I will admit I thought he was cute... til she pointed out he had gold toofisis.

*pause for the mafuckin' cause*

Why is a grown ass man (30 years old!) rocking gold toofisis?? Can somebody explain this to me. I've always thought the shits were plain nasty, but come on! After that, I was and still am against him. :(

So when he goes off she gives me the run down on him. He's 30; friends with the promoters (they --along with the ex-jumpsy mind you--all grew up in the same neighborhood, but he recently moved); he's a C.O.


And then she's like how she's "going to have him wrapped around her finger"; how "she's gonna lock him down cause he has benefits"

*Monie pauses, lights another cigarette, and accidentally sets the end of her lacefront wig on fire.She stops. Drops. And rolls.*



I can't... bitch done made me mess up my good wig out'chea!!

I love my girl. Truly. We go all the way back to My Little Pony and Skip It days, but she is damn oblivious when it comes to men.



For one; please don't think you're doing a good thing trying to lock some man down because he has benefits. The only way this benefits you is if he puts a ring on it. Only then are you entitled to half of anything. If you do get pregnant, trust and believe there still ain't much "benefits" when you try to stick child support on that ass. The court ain't all that nice. They too realize you ain't the wife.

You
WON'T
get
half.

(I'm putting that on a tshirt)

So anyway.

Nothing exciting really happened in the club. Around 2 am the Promotion Team finally bought a mafuckin bottle of Goose, and while I don't really care for Goosey anymore, I figured that a lil bit would help me loosen up and not give a fuck that the DJ couldn't play worth a damn. I had a glass straight, and while I felt that woozy-pussy-popping feeling I used to live for when I drank...nothing. I finally just sat my ass down and got on Facebook til the night was over. At 4:30 am. So that means we spent approximately 6 hours in the club. *smdh*

Of course while we're in the car K is going on and on about the new nigga. Let's just name him. We'll call him Goldie Redbone , or "Goldie Red" for short since that describes him to a Tee.

I can already sense this may get messy:

See, K used to mess with J; the boy she was crazy about last January (Go'n and click that there); and J's roomate H (one of the promoters) hangs out with Goldie Red. Now, H used to be over there all the time when K and J were slaying it out, and probably knows K buss her pussy open for J on the first night she met him after the club. Now H., Goldie Redbone, and the rest of the promoters drove in the same car. Anddd as I mentioned before; they all know Ex Popoff.

I wouldn't be surprised if H told Goldie Red about K and J because on the ride home Goldie Red calls up and K and says he wants to see her later on that night. Hmph.

Monday afternoon this crazy girl BBMs me talking about he came by her job, and how he's really sexy (I still beg to differ, but if she like it, i LOVE it) and he has these piercing eyes, and it's going to be so hard to resist him.

*Blank damn stare*

I laid it on her straight and told her she better not hit that til March because niggas talk more than bitches *shrug* and somebody probably told him in that car that you ain't hard to smash out. So she's like, "True. I know. I'm going to wait. I don't know if I can though"
I told her try a new thing, and get new results.

So we shall see.


Don't get me wrong; I ain't judging her. None of this is anything I haven't said to her face. And besides, who am I to even judge; looking at my own track record with niggas. Ha! The good thing is, I've done most of my (not much) dirt abroad so I don't have to worry about this ex running into that one :)


And that's all for right now. I'm about to go wash my own hair with my broke ass, cause I'm flying out to DC this evening. Aowzah!!

Damn, it feels like forever...

Bloggymuffins!! How art thou? Happy New Year (all late and shit).

*Monie settles into her La-z-boy; slips her feet out of her slippers...then slips them back in after she's hit with the scent of corn chips*

hehe :)

I know; it's been forever. I wish I had an excuse this time, but I don't.

*Shrug*

Ever since I came back from Jamaica, I've just been getting things in order. Looks like I will be moving that first week in February to DC. I was going to move back into my old apartment building, but things fell through. Usually when I look for places in DC I never find any that are affordable, but I actually found a few places that were affordable and had utilities included. God is GOOD.


On the boy-front...

It's quite dry. #4 and I are officially through. For real this time. Yes, I know, said it before, but for real. I am too fixed in my ways, and he is too fixed in his. There's a lot of stuff I left out about him in the weeks I was there.

If I ever had to give those 3 and half weeks of my life a title, I'd have to call it "Crying, Fighting, and Chain Smoking"

Lawd!! That boy has a mean streak. I know I'm a little bit sensitive, especially when it comes to people telling me I'm doing something wrong (when I know I'm not), but he's got no tact at all. Even if I am, please don't insult me. If I do something strange or wrong in his eyes, he asks me why I'm doing it, and follows it up with "Are you an idiot?" or "That's stupid."

After these comments come massive arguments between us, and the insults get hurled back and forth.

When I tell him about himself for talking to me like this he tells me that I'm being sensitive and the only reason it's a big deal to me is because my parents spoil me and my mother probably still hugs me because I'm a baby and need to grow up.

*middle finger @ #4*

So what, nigga?? Yes, my mother still hugs me. My parents treat me well and talk to me like I'm a human being. My mother helps me out when I'm in need.

Since when did that become being spoiled? Ain't that what parents do?

I think a lot of his behavior is a result of his mother being dead and never knowing his father so he doesn't really have that sense of love. It seems that he resents me for having it. He was raised by his aunt, and she talks to him like he ain't shit. However, I don't care for his learned behavior in my life any longer.

So I had to cut myself loose. He was mad. Told me I'm demanding and I only want things to be my way. How God has not made the man that I'm looking for yet. Blah, blah, blah.

So I very calmly told him "I am not arguing with you anymore. If that's how you feel, then fine. I have no problem being cool with you. We can talk on the phone from time to time, but you will never have another reason to argue with me again, and will never have one to argue with you." He kinda calmed down after that, and then strangely enough we had one of the best conversations ever. He's really funny and ignites a lot of ideas for me to write about.


It's funny though, because now that we're not "together" he calls and tries to keep in touch more than he ever did. I don't call him, but I will text him to say "hey" when I'm bored.

*Monie crinkles her nose*

Where they do that at?

In other events... I missed my blog anniversary which was December 27.
What is a hobby for me actually turned out to be very therapeutic and has even earned me a chance to be published. Go'n and click that there.

Who'da thunk it?! Certainly not me. 2009 was a good year. I received many blessings. I hope 2010 is even better. :)

Well, that's it for now. Got some writing I need to do.

Kisses and Hugs to you all,

xoxom0nie!

Why I Declare! I Regret You, but I Don't Regret the Orgasms and Other Cynacisms

So as I sat flipping through the man-o-log of my life, having silent conversation with myself (as i usually do); i thought about the men I've smashed, and realized that I regret all of them.

*Monie lights Marlboro Light, puffs, and exhales*

(I have switched brands...I've also quit, but in my mind, I'll always be a smoker--hehe)


So yeah, every last one. Except for the orgasms.

The orgasms were quite magical and I 'preciates 'em, as it can be quite hard for a female to achieve one, much less several as I have been lucky enough to gain.

I have given up on finding "that perfect love" that I so wanted earlier this year. Fuck love. I'd take a cheeseburger (preferably flame broiled) and some good cock over love any day.


I will settle dammit. I will settle for good, consistent dick, that is. Because these
"relationships" are nothing but a headache. Sex cures a headache, by the way. It's scientifically proven! Go'n and click dis here.

Should I ever settle down, I want a husband who is always away on travel. Except for the weekend. Weekends were made not only for Michelob,


but for hours of hardcore frolickin'.

I mean, I could always hold out for a good man, but by that time, I may be old, he more than likely will be ugly, and to be quite frank...a bitch aint got time for that.

And that is all for today.

xoxom0nie

PSA- Things You Need to Know If You Tryna Fuck With Me

I need for you to have your own money. You don't have to have a lot. Matter fact, you can even just have enough for you (cause I always got enough for me), but don't expect me to dip into my pockets consistently for you. Love don't pay the bills, and neither does dick.

Don't berate me for being a "princess". It has come to my attention that my parents set high standards (aka "spoiled") me, and I expect certain shit. *blank damn stare*
If you ask me what I wanna do, and I tell you something pricey and you're on a Burger King budget that's your problem. You should not have asked what I wanted to do. Just suggest Applebees or some other cheap shit. I fucks with buffalo wings like everyone else *shrug*

You must take me places. I aint trying to sit around staring in your fuckin face. You stopped being cute a long time ago.

Paying attention will get you far with me. I'm a Leo and we require attention. Likewise, I will shower you with attention. But ignoring me will do nothing but put you on the receiving end of my attitude. And my attitude is funkier than unwashed prostitute pussy when need be.

Appreciate me. If I do something nice for your ass, thank me, and if able, reciprocate. I hate ungrateful men; ungrateful people in general. If you know me, you know that I will go above and beyond, but if you meet my efforts with an ungrateful attitude... I'mma tell you something fucked up and you not gonna like it.

If you claim you love me, show it. You can tell me you love me all day long, but it means nothing when you behave the total opposite.

Don't lie. Uh-uh...don't do that. That should have been first on this list, but that's the beauty of an unordered list ;)


And I'm done for now. There might be another installment. Unfortunately, I gotta pay per hour to use internet, so a bitch is limited.

Ciaoxoxo

Livin' the Dry Life

Bloggymuffins! How art thou?!

First, I'd like to thank all of you who have been following, both new and old, leaving comments and all of that. I read each and every one, but I'm barely able to respond these days. After I finish a day's work on the computer I can't even bear to look at Blogger or any other site. Ok, I lie. I lay in bed and facebook it up. It's pretty much the only contact I have w/my old friends back in MD and other parts of NY. Good news though. My Blackberry Tour comes today, so I'll be on here more. Yay!

But yeah, it means a lot to me to know that ya'll get a tickle and a tee-hee out of my wierd-ness. Also, I'm going to see if I can archive my entries as someone asked. Thx for all your comments girlie! :)

On the personal side:
DRIER THAN GUCCI MANE'S LIPS ON A COLD, ALASKAN DAY.

Brrrr!

I wish this mafucka would find a cocobutter cure, or something.


Yea.. not much going on over here. Now that K is trying to launch her business into a full service salon, we don't get into too much fuckery these days. Plus, now that I don't drink I find myself questioning the types of live fuckery before my eyes in the clubhouse.

Like-- I went on Sunday with my sister and her friend to this joint in Brooklyn:


*breathing in, i am breathing in...*

Now, I hadn't been to Caribbean City in like, over 5 years. All's I knew was that Bobby Konders & Jabba still played there on a Sunday. Bobby & Jabba usually do their thing so I reasoned with myself that although this was not Manhattan, and many of the mafuckas up in there were bound to be sub par... I'mma go head and go. Just for the sake of my sister; since she hasn't been out much since she had the baby.

We leave out after midnight and I arrive at Caribbean City around 2. The line is short, which is good, as it was colder than a prostitute's titty in the winter time.

The security search is borderline molestation, and something comparable to airport search. Yes. The make you put your purse in a basket; they go through it thoroughly and then hand it back for you to put everything back in order.

So...I'm getting ready to make my way inside when the coat check nigga demands I take off my cute little faux-leather jacket.
Nawwww, nigga, fuck you.

I ain't putting my batwings on display for nobody!

So yeah, I told him I didn't think so, made a motion of hands over my body and told him it was part of my outfit. He backed off and let me go inside...

and inside looked like...like.... Shanquantifon's basement bash.
Wtf. I had heard there were renovations in there, and it looked 10x shittier than it did before.

Disastrous, ya'll hear me??!! And the people in there knew nothing about clothes and matching them for the seasons.

• I saw hos in flip flops
• Hos in sling back sandals
• One bitch had on her Club Socks... you know, the chicks that are like "I have these corns and know I have no damn bid'ness wearing these pumps, so I'mma just take 'em off, hold 'em in my hand, and lounge in my barely there dress and some ankle socks"
• One bitch had on some lumberjack arm warmers and knee high houndstooth socks.

and the #1 sin for the night: big woman, like atleast a size 24 wearing a halter top and skirt, NO BRA, tittyballs just'a hanging down low like whoa. TWO DIFFERENT COLOR(blonde and black) AND DIFFERENT TEXTURE WEAVE... and dudes were putting it on her like she was hotness.

*breathing out, i am breathing out...*

I have sworn off clubs (again). I would love to have like, weekly game nights, but some of the folks I know here in NY-- I wonder if they really even know how to read. I damn near need the Rosetta Stone just to decipher their text messages/fb statuses.

Seriously. I went to school with some real Leap Frog Learn To Read type bitches.


For instance, I saw the following status update from a high school chum:

hey fb, i'm so board the hubby wen t to play basketball and the little one is gone for the hole week my aunt wanted to spend some time wit her but i miss her already smh...


No, no, bitch, I am shaking my head.

Yeah... I'm supposed to play Scrabble and Tabu, etc, with folks like that?? I don't think so. I have a better chance playing a game of Spades with my 2 year old nephew, my cat Dinka and my imaginary baby chicken, Byron. I think not.

What else, what else...

Oh yeah. Sex life is sketchy too.

D/m is actually pretty busy and I understand why now. Like I said, I have been trying my best to have actual conversations with him. He's working on getting a degree in Occupational Therapy, not a Masters in Finance like I thought. So he's got to study like crazy. He started explaining to me what he was actually studying for, but that damn logorrhea problem he has became so overwhelming I just asked to see one of his textbooks.

I was impressed. He basically has to learn a whole bunch of doctor-type stuff without having a background in science, so he's got to work double hard.

So between both of us working on bettering ourselves education-wise... there's not much time for relations the way we like to have relations. The last time I got the business from him, we went in for two rounds and I didn't get in until after 4 am. The next day I received all types of hate texts from him complaining about being tired at work. I figure we were even since I had to get up and perform Dr. Miracle type wonders on my hair to head into Manhattan.

*shrug*


So yeah, as you guys can see...life's good, cause I'm alive..but it is, as my Cali folks would say, "hella" boring.
And that's all... Lator Gators!

Suck a Dick, Swallow a Kidney Stone-- more Groupie tales courtesy of Backstagepazz.com

Hi my Blog Babies! Again, sorry for being so hit and miss with you guys. Coursework-- the life of a grad student; you see how it goes. No time for anything besides homework and the random sexual encounter.
*shrug*
:)

So, today lets talk about the following fuckery:

Jasun Wiggins



Do ya'll know who he is?

*silence*

Yeah... I don't either.

Anywho... apparently, his achievements include wrapping his dick in the American flag and skeeting off kidney stones in the mouths of random hos.



What in the oral disrespect?? I can't..

Read on.

* Mo lights a bidi, and inhales*

Let's play red light-green light, stop n go. After all, we haven't played in a while, we're overdue.

Green

i was in my 20s when i was deep into the online chat---blackplanet (which is how we met), migente, etc thing. i am not here to dog him out but i do agree that if you have been with this guy then to go and get tested.

Red
Don't nothing good come off that Blackplanet now, does it? Shanananana.
After I read about how careless people are with their bodies I wanna get tested...every bumboclaat day. I'm just sayin... continue

GO

he seemed to be impressed that i wasn't some chickenhead from around the way that was completely naive.

Stop
Chile please!

*Monie's imaginary baby chicken, Byron, enters and starts clucking at his long lost relative*

Alright now, Byron, that's enough excitement. Shut it down.

*Byron quiets himself and goes off in search of some seeds*

Carry on..

Go

his people had cooked dinner and i was invited to get a plate. i noticed that jasun was checking me out as my back was turned to him and obviously liked what he saw. we talked some more and as his people stopped coming in as much we had a quicky. i went down on him and quickly learned that he lived up to his page name. if you really don't think that he's big then your stuff must be stretched out like a limo because he is THICK and has a nice size on him and there is no way i would let all that go in my a$$.

Red

One minute, we're on a food line, the next you're getting plowed out, head bowed down. Oh really now? Smh...

Green

we snuck upstairs to someone's messy room and he bent me over real quick to finish what he had started. i heard people close by so we had to make it real quick but it was a good enough for a quicky. i felt like i was in high school lol. i left after that.

Stop

Uh uh. UH UH. Don't you do that. Ladies, don't let no nigga "bend you over real quick". You and your vagine deserve more. Remember that. Also, who can have sex in a messy room? I wouldn't be able to concentrate. You know, the whole Zen factor and all that. I'm just saying..

Go!

the second time i came across him was through an email one of my coworkers sent me. it was his pic where's he wrapped up below with the american flag.

Stop

LMMFAO @ this Dick-in-a-flag ass nigga. I can't...


Go

everyone in the office was trippin' off him and i was like damn i know him. i told my girl in private that i had been with him and she was like "WHAT!!" i knew that he comes here around the holidays so i hit him up on bp again and asked if he remembered me. this time we met at one of those travellodge places. this time i my "aunt flo" was in town so i wasn't there long. i did go down on him again and remember something that felt like a small stone come out when he came. by then i was through with his cocky a$$. i don't know what the hell that was but it scared me and thank God every test afterward came out negative. i do however think he might be down low though. he didn't act sweet or anything. maybe i'm just paranoid because he seems to f*&^ any and EVERYONE. i heard they have a lot of bath houses in atl and he seems like the type. he still looks good but he's starting to look harder instead of finer. i wish i had hooked up with his boy instead of him lolol. those were the days back when i was young and wild!

*Monie gathers Dinka, Byron, and her imaginary pet donkey and hums "Sweet Hour of Prayer"*

I can't...

1. Is she serious? She has the nerve to say she's "paranoid because he seems to f/ck everyone". Bitch please. You were just as quick to f/ck him. Furthermore, this nigga was nasty enough to put his dick in a flag, you saw this hot shit...and you basically sign up to just give him a professional, knowing you can't even get anything in return??


Bam-bam-di-dam-bam-bam-di-da-da-disturbia.
No more gas in the red, can't even get it started!!!!

2. You're swallowing the "babybatter" of someone you don't even know like that???

*vomit in throat*

And you have the nerve to get mad cause he skeeted (what sounds to be) his damn kidney stone in your mouth???


You can read this travesty in its entirety on backstagepazz.com. I can't...

i be on my bullshit...ps-keep yo cum to yo'self!

so last night i went and "hung out" with D/m. Naw, lets keep it one hunn'ed-- I fucked D/m. Why? Well, the jury's still out on that one.

*Monie sigh and rubs her temples*

i can already tell you that this is going to be insanity.

so dm texts me, telling me he's watching the game but that he'd rather be doing something else. i already know what he's talking about, but to humor myself i ask him what would he rather be doing.

if you guessed "fuckin"; ding ding ding.

no prizes will be given today though...sowwy.

so, since i wasn't doing anything but watching Mahogany for the millionth time, and he didn't really care about watching the game, we decided to get it in.

he comes to get me, late as usual. so instead of me doing my "just-bang-it-out -right-now" tactic, i decided to sit on the couch and have actual conversation with him.

*Monie sips her drink and lets out a mean belch*

i understand that i get annoyed easily, but dm has a way of bringing it out of me.

whenever i make a statement about something he always has to ask me the following dumb fuckery question:

How you figure?

Nigga, what??!

I'm sorry, I don't have a mathematical equation to give you the answer as to why I feel the way I do about certain shit. I got fed up and let him know not to ask me that question ever again because it's beyond stupid.

Arghh!

After conversation about my vacation, why I don't take pics, reasons why he should give me one of his 4 cameras, and making plans to have fondue next week, we got down to the gettings down.

I can't say it was bad, but I must admit, I couldn't enjoy myself for the following reasons:

• I felt consumed by guilt, like I was cheating on #4 or something
• I kept thinking about #4, and how his hip action is just something probably no other dude I done had can fuck with
• and, this nigga ain't give me no head! But I don't really care... he aint get none from me neither

*shrug*

After like an hour and change I was just hoping he would come already. I just wanted to be done with it. So I hit him with the "grip-grip-squeeze" and then...

this nigga attempted to violate.

As he's getting ready to come, I realize that he's pulling out and getting ready to take off the condom to deliver cum shots on yours truly.

*insert my most intense 'nigga please' look right'chea*

So I rolled over to the edge of the bed as fast as I could. I mean, I was so quick with it I'm surprised I didn't drop on the floor. And this muthafucka comes all over the bed. He really should practice his aim. But who am I to judge?? It might be hard having a penis, I really couldn't tell ya.

Now, a little tidbit about me-- I ain't a fan of cum.

I will go ahead and say I hate cum. It goes on my list of nasty liquids along with mayonnaise, blood, and boogysnots.

The consistency, and the fact that it can get you pregnant...GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE AND AWAY FROM ME!

I won't lie, I've had my small share of dealing with the cum. However, I have to have a place in my heart for a dude in order to tolerate his babybatter and even then, it rarely comes without scorn.

But back to what had happened...

Yeah, so DM skeets all over the bed. Now even though it aint my bed, I'm pissed off because I wanted to take a nap! My head was hurting a bit, and I just wanted to relax dammit!!

Me: Euw. Go get a blanket or something to cover that up. I'm not laying down in your babybatter.

D/m feels around on the bed, shocked ( i assume): damn, how the hell did it get all the way over there? i can't believe you just rolled over like that. i thought you were getting in a different position and i got excited. next thing i knew, you were basically just out

Me: Yeah, you keep that baby batter to yourself.

So D/m goes and gets blankets and puts them down so we can have a quick lie-down. I have a fatass moment and start talking about I want chicken nuggets

and he says he could go for some as well. I tell him we should go in the next 15 minutes. It was 1:00 then. Next thing I know we both drift off to sleep and it's 3 am. I wake him up and he's freaking out because he's gotta get up for 6:30 am for work. We get dressed, he takes me home and I fuck up some Lean Cuisine instead.


(You can't always get what you want in life, huh?)

I still feel a bit bad because of #4, but I keep reminding myself that he's out doing his own thing also. Even though he didn't use that condom...he probably used another one (lol)...and there was one night I forgot to tell ya'll about:

My cousin was over and we come back to the room and he's all showered and dressed talking about he was going out without us. So I told him since he wanted to go out, and not take us, she and I were going out too. He started acting all nervous, talking about he wanted us to stay in, and wasn't I trying to save money; basically anything he thought would make me stay home. So then he changes his mind and says he's not going to go out, that we should all stay in. I didn't really feel like going anywhere anyway, but I was determined to catch him in some shit because earlier that day some chick had called his phone and he lied about who she was and then came up with some bullshit ass story. Negril on a week night doesn't have many places to go, so I knew if I went looking for him I'd find him in either 2 places.

So yeah, #4 does his dirt, and I do mine. I'm glad I reminded myself... now I don't feel guilty anymore :D

Other than that, school got me going, ya'll. I've been busy with work and trying to get all my papers done early.

Besos muffins!
xoxom0nie!

Jamaica--Scandalocity, Trollopcy, Pussy Stop Signs and Sociopaths

Muffins... I am dead ass tired, but after tomorrow, life is back to a halt thanks to school. The syllabi is threatening to cause nervous breakdown, heart disease, kidney failure, cancer, and just straight up... DEATH. So I regret to inform you... my antics will be a bit scarce til after Thanksgiving.
Let's recap, shall we?

*Monie props her legs up on the coffee table, picks her nose, looks at it...shrugs... and flicks it across the living room*

:)p

Let's talk about #4 and his madness.
*sigh*

I don't think I have ever argued with someone this much in my entire life. usually when i get into a cuss-out with a person, i'm in beef mode for like weeks, but #4 has a knack for making me laugh in the midst of what could be intense anger for me. Very much like in that Notorious movie where Big had Faith laughing by singing her some silly song.

And I don't like that shit. Don't rob me of my anger, dammit!

It would take too long to give the full story on all of #4's madness, but here's a un-ordered list of his fuckery

• #4 feels that it's ok to take the very last condom we have (that I brought) and keep it in his pocket.. "just because, no reason." this story will be explained later, as it makes no sense right now. carry on.
• #4 also believes that it is ok to take a girl to a bar "to have a nice evening out".
• #4 lied about his age. It turns out that he is not turning 28, but is in fact 24 going on 25. I saw his birth certificate.

now i interrupt this list to give you the story behind the condom. I shall call it:

I'm Walking Around With This Condom In My Pocket... Just Because- a short story.


So...the second week I was there, I went to visit my sister in Montego Bay for the weekend. Left Saturday, came back Monday. Left #4 with the key to my suite so he could come and go as he pleased. Even though I was on my own trifling bullshit (we'll talk about that later) I see that #4 is in fact up to some bullshit of his own.

That Friday before I left #4 and I had some of our usual mindblowing sex, and that left us with one condom. Jill Scott said it best, "one is the magic number."
Anywho, I made sure I put that one condom where I could see it in the nightstand.

Cause life is always about tests. Pass, Fail bitches.

So you can imagine my disbelief when I came back to the suite and saw NO CONDOM and some weed in the nightstand. I called my cousin and K (who happened to be in Jamaica--she was in Kingston though) screaming and packing up his shit.

Me: So I come back and WHY is the last condom we had missing? What the fuck? I know he doesn't have the nerve to fuck some next bitch w/ the condoms I done bought with my money. And I swear he better not have fucked her in my room.
*packing his clothes and setting them on the chair with two lada (plastic) bags on top for anything he may not be able to fit in the two bags he had. that's me, always being thoughtful :D*
K: that's crazy.... *launches into her own issues w/ her pop-off/boo in NY named Ty* Me: I got to go.
(Precisely why I have a therapist. Anytime I need to talk, people wanna launch into their own shit. Spare me)

So I call my lil cousin and tell her.

Little Cousin: Well you can't really be mad anyway, you had sex w/ someone else.
Me: Yeah, but still. Whatever. Whatever! I'm glad i did it. The shit was good too. Either this nigga produce this condom, which I doubt he will or he get the fuck out.
Little Cousin: We'll see.
So in strolls #4 around 11pm after work that night. I'm so mad I'm smoking cigarettes in my non-smoking room, and can hardly even speak to him.

So he goes on the veranda, smokes his weed, comes back in and says:

Him: So what's the matter now? Me: I'm not quite ready to talk about it.
So he starts guessing.

The second guess he hits it on the head.

Him: You don't see the condom in the drawer? Me: Yeah, where is it? Him: I just took stuff out the draw and put it in my pocket out of habit. Me: Yeah, but why would you take the condom? Who else are you fucking. Him: No one Me: Apparently someone. What made you take it w/ you?
to make a long story short we get to arguing and then he goes into his book bag and pulls out the condom and throws it on the bed.
Him: There it is. Me: So why are you carrying it around with you anyway?? Him: Why does it matter. It's right there. You just like to argue.

And on and on we go for about an hour why he can't just tell me why he took it with him in the first place. Never did get an answer. Don't really care. All I know is he be on his shit, and I be on mine. We agree to disagree.

*shrug*

The End


Aside from this we had several other arguments. Last Saturday he was supposed to take me on a Glass Bottom boat, and it didn't work for whatever reason. So of course I'm disappointed because he's been promising to take me since April. Even though the whole boat thing fell through, one would think that he'd find something else for us to do, but no, instead he's chopping it up w/ his friends. So I tell him I'm going across the street to the beach and he's asking me why I have an attitude. This turns into a disagreement that almost gets out of hand right there on the Negril 7 mile strip with both of us cussing each other out. There were even tears afterwards (shed by me out of anger, cause I wanted to rip his head off).

I think that was probably the last blow out we had, and everything was ok from then on. I don't want to fall for #4 and the up and down dysfunction and madness, but i have a little soft spot for his crazy ass. We agree that we do not understand each other much, but our spirits take to one another.
*rolls eyes*

Now lets talk about Sugar... the other 24 year old that popped off with.

This happened the same weekend of the above condom incident.

*raised eyebrows*

Now before I even got down to Mo Bay, her neighbor/ homeboy was checking for me. Apparently he saw me when I first arrived in Jamaica and stopped by my sister's house and proclaimed "it was love at first sight."

*Monie casts one of her infamous "nigga please" looks*

So, i wasn't even trying to hear his lameness... until I actually met him and saw what he looked like.

*Monie crosses and uncrosses her legs as she rocks back and forth*

Lawdy jeezus lawdy jeezus! The boy was damn...FINE. Ya'll hear me?

• Had the face--caramel complexion, chinky bedroom eyes, GAWGEOUS lips, nice nose, pretty teeth)
  
• Had the body---he must be drinking some extra fortified milk because he was thick to DEATH, but lean at the same time, nice pecs, legs, and an ass to rival Asafa Powell's.
• And he knew it, and thus, had that cockiness about him that I adore in a man. LOL
  

So I met him that Sunday. He came over to help out with cooking for the party. I'm inside the living room eyeing him, and he's eying me from the backyard, but I'm the type of girl who rarely puts herself out there.

I let them come hither.

Not cause I think I'm just the baddest bitch...but because I'm somewhat shy :)

So I go outside to get a paper towel close to where he is...cause I was sweating, plus I wanted to get a closer look. He's all smiling at me, and I smile back and go inside. Still no words exchanged. Next thing I know there's a huge downpour of rain and everyone runs inside the house. My sister brings him into her room to me and tells us to start talking.

So we're there making conversation. He's got me all nervous because he's staring at me and killing me with compliments. I didn't know what to do with myself.
As always, there's some shit to stink things up:

• He has a girlfriend
• He's 24
• He lives with his girlfriend
  

You know... same way it always goes for me. Someone play the violins, please.

Anyway, we start talking about physical attraction and sex, and here he goes telling me that even though he loves his girlfriend and he's happy with her, he would like the chance to be with me because he thinks we'd be good together. And even though he's young, he knows how to please a woman and how to make her comfortable

*crickets*

Boy puh-lease!!

But of course me being me, I'm always curious. So I entertain this madness and start asking questions. Next thing I know, he's lifting me up and bouncing me around like I weigh practically nothing. Now my curiosity is at its peak.

We both decide that we should fuck each other the following day.

So that next day is Monday and I'm going back and forth between should I do it/ should I not.

I reflect on the prior afternoon's Ving Rhames bounce-around and decide that I should.


It was rather good... but recalling it all now... not as good as #4. Additionally, his dick ain't as big as #4's. Overall, I'd give the pipe-game a 7.5. Also, might I add.. he gots to be one of the sweatiest mafuckas i ever smashed. I understand it's JA and the house had no AC but damn!

Word to the wise- several positions are great, however, don't switch things up too quickly.

But of course, as it always goes w/the Monie...this nigga tried to violate.

He tried to stick me without a condom.

Ya'll know I'm not in for that. I had to pull out the Pussy Stop Sign real quick.


Nigga, Halt!!!

See, we started off using the condom, and all was well. Halfway through, he decides he needs a break and takes it off, knowing we only had one. So I ease back from him and I'm chillin, however he's got other ideas in mind.

He was trying to convince me to just go for it, how he gets tested, and he never has sex with anyone but his girl.

Um, how bout no.

Nigga, you here creeping with me, but you don't have sex with anyone else???
You trifling.
So am I... but we talking about his ass right now.

Anywho. So he keeps trying to convince me, then tried to throw raw shaft on your girl. I promptly got up and started putting on clothes. After that he gave up and he went home to go shower.

I have not heard from his since. Nor do I care.

*shrug*

So, yes, that was those were the scandalous parts of my vacay. Aside from all that, I did a great deal of partying and chillin w/ my little cousin. Also getting to understand why it is #4 is the way he is. Not that I should care, but I'm curious about human behavior.

And his leads me to believe he's a socio-path. Go'n and click that there... you might have a sociopath in your cipher too. Those are the signs.

Sociopath and all, I have a little soft spot in my heart for #4-- which is not good. If you read that shit right there you will see that I need to leave him alone posthaste. We'll see how it all plays out. I'm trying to head back to the JA in December for a month. If I stay with him I can save a great deal of money and be okay to move into my DC apartment.

Yes, I know. Stupidity aflame, but hey... we all have our moments :D
I promise to do better...next year. LOL

Later Gators!

xomonie!