Suck a Dick, Swallow a Kidney Stone-- more Groupie tales courtesy of Backstagepazz.com

Hi my Blog Babies! Again, sorry for being so hit and miss with you guys. Coursework-- the life of a grad student; you see how it goes. No time for anything besides homework and the random sexual encounter.
*shrug*
:)

So, today lets talk about the following fuckery:

Jasun Wiggins



Do ya'll know who he is?

*silence*

Yeah... I don't either.

Anywho... apparently, his achievements include wrapping his dick in the American flag and skeeting off kidney stones in the mouths of random hos.



What in the oral disrespect?? I can't..

Read on.

* Mo lights a bidi, and inhales*

Let's play red light-green light, stop n go. After all, we haven't played in a while, we're overdue.

Green

i was in my 20s when i was deep into the online chat---blackplanet (which is how we met), migente, etc thing. i am not here to dog him out but i do agree that if you have been with this guy then to go and get tested.

Red
Don't nothing good come off that Blackplanet now, does it? Shanananana.
After I read about how careless people are with their bodies I wanna get tested...every bumboclaat day. I'm just sayin... continue

GO

he seemed to be impressed that i wasn't some chickenhead from around the way that was completely naive.

Stop
Chile please!

*Monie's imaginary baby chicken, Byron, enters and starts clucking at his long lost relative*

Alright now, Byron, that's enough excitement. Shut it down.

*Byron quiets himself and goes off in search of some seeds*

Carry on..

Go

his people had cooked dinner and i was invited to get a plate. i noticed that jasun was checking me out as my back was turned to him and obviously liked what he saw. we talked some more and as his people stopped coming in as much we had a quicky. i went down on him and quickly learned that he lived up to his page name. if you really don't think that he's big then your stuff must be stretched out like a limo because he is THICK and has a nice size on him and there is no way i would let all that go in my a$$.

Red

One minute, we're on a food line, the next you're getting plowed out, head bowed down. Oh really now? Smh...

Green

we snuck upstairs to someone's messy room and he bent me over real quick to finish what he had started. i heard people close by so we had to make it real quick but it was a good enough for a quicky. i felt like i was in high school lol. i left after that.

Stop

Uh uh. UH UH. Don't you do that. Ladies, don't let no nigga "bend you over real quick". You and your vagine deserve more. Remember that. Also, who can have sex in a messy room? I wouldn't be able to concentrate. You know, the whole Zen factor and all that. I'm just saying..

Go!

the second time i came across him was through an email one of my coworkers sent me. it was his pic where's he wrapped up below with the american flag.

Stop

LMMFAO @ this Dick-in-a-flag ass nigga. I can't...


Go

everyone in the office was trippin' off him and i was like damn i know him. i told my girl in private that i had been with him and she was like "WHAT!!" i knew that he comes here around the holidays so i hit him up on bp again and asked if he remembered me. this time we met at one of those travellodge places. this time i my "aunt flo" was in town so i wasn't there long. i did go down on him again and remember something that felt like a small stone come out when he came. by then i was through with his cocky a$$. i don't know what the hell that was but it scared me and thank God every test afterward came out negative. i do however think he might be down low though. he didn't act sweet or anything. maybe i'm just paranoid because he seems to f*&^ any and EVERYONE. i heard they have a lot of bath houses in atl and he seems like the type. he still looks good but he's starting to look harder instead of finer. i wish i had hooked up with his boy instead of him lolol. those were the days back when i was young and wild!

*Monie gathers Dinka, Byron, and her imaginary pet donkey and hums "Sweet Hour of Prayer"*

I can't...

1. Is she serious? She has the nerve to say she's "paranoid because he seems to f/ck everyone". Bitch please. You were just as quick to f/ck him. Furthermore, this nigga was nasty enough to put his dick in a flag, you saw this hot shit...and you basically sign up to just give him a professional, knowing you can't even get anything in return??


Bam-bam-di-dam-bam-bam-di-da-da-disturbia.
No more gas in the red, can't even get it started!!!!

2. You're swallowing the "babybatter" of someone you don't even know like that???

*vomit in throat*

And you have the nerve to get mad cause he skeeted (what sounds to be) his damn kidney stone in your mouth???


You can read this travesty in its entirety on backstagepazz.com. I can't...

My name is Simone, and I am a Spinster Bitch..who ain't doing shit today!

i am burnt.
the. fuck.
out.

i'm frazzled!! i've been working non-stop off of minimal hours of sleep so that i can get all this shit done before heading to jamaica, but dammit.

a ho cain't take no mo', for the rest of the day...

I AIN'T DOING SHIT!

• I'm gonna do 90 minutes of Taebo (maybe)
• catch up on some more blogs (yesssssss!)
• order something italian and yummy (definitely)
• read a trashy hood novel (fo' sho) and
• watch Stringer Bell and Bodie (mmmmhmmmm :-)

on another note: thank you Rio Tapatio for your blog award. It sooooo made my heart smile:-) i'm always a bit shocked to know that folks are entertained by insanity, lol. i enjoy your blog as well. it makes me wish i were more artsy. fab. and kewwwwl... just like you.

thanks again!

Spinster Bitch: My Worst Fear- A Short Story

I am terribly, disgustingly completely lonely.

Yeah, I said it. No shame in my game anymore.

It has been approximately 5 years since I've had a real relationship. And actually; he was so wack and dry... I don't even consider him.

Of course I've had my fuck buddies, the ones that have used me up and whored me out, lol. and those who claimed to be my man but really weren't--after, in between, once, during...hey, i believe in insurance dick.

Anywho, the point is I'm 26 (shit, round that off to 30 if you'd like) and I have yet to have a serious relationship. EVER.

I think it would be good to have one.
Especially since everyone's getting paired off and having kids. Because that leaves me with no club partners, no drinking buddies, basically no social life. I don't do the third wheel bullshit and my friends' boyfriends have wierdos/psychos/ugmos for friends.

(I don't know what I'm gonna do when I move to DC)

I refuse to have an ugly man. Tried it. Hated it!

Not a good look for me or my forehead. He was so homely I had my eyes squeezed shut the entire time (which felt like forever) to the point I had a headache and a slight crease in my forehead. Ain't that much Oil of Olay and Visine in the world! So even though he was a sweetheart, and would have given me his whole homely little world...
I couldn't do it. So I deaded that.

But...

Am I gonna be that old bitch in the club? Like Kerri Washington in I Think I Love My Wife (sans the overbite, of course)?

I have a sneaking suspicion that's going to be me. And it scares the shit out of me, I can't even lie. I feel like I'm gonna end up just like that. Being fabulous, but opting to marry someone boring and safe, who stimulates absolutely no part of me. Just so that I don't have to live alone in my old age with Life Alert.

Or God forbid, trying to homewreck some married man's relationship!?

Dear God, please don't allow this to happen.

I think about this almost everyday (even when I'm not menstrual) and it makes me terribly sad :-(

I can't front.

I'm one heck of a gal, and it sucks that no one may ever get to know it. *sigh*

My therapist and I agree that I'm extremely picky, and she says that's ok.

I agree with her.

Sheeeeeit, I've been through too much shit to allow some basketcase bastard to come into my life and fuck shit up. Even though a bitch has "coping skills"... I don't feel like using them all the time. LOL Seriously though; I've been through enough. Besides, somebody's gotta be the level-headed one in the relationship!

We think (lol @ "we" ; like she and i are a couple-- hell at this point, we might as well be) that I should consider online dating when I get my driving skills back in order.

(I have a panic disorder, so my driving is very limited)

There's no public transportation here after 6, and I don't trust nan nigga to take me home after I was date raped while I was living in MD.

So get this lameness-- I practice driving to and from Applebees in my town. When I get to the point where I can master driving without feeling afraid or having to drive with someone, then I can join match.com and date.

It makes me laugh to even think that this is what it has all come down to.

And I laugh so that I won't cry that this is what it has come down to.

I'm actually getting sleepy now. I haven't slept since yesterday 8 am.

Probably why I'm putting myself all on blast like this. Oh well.

*shrugs*

later gators :)

wish me luck in cheering up later. thx!

monie xo

Happy Barack Day, Online Dating, and Blog Crack

i love my president!!!!! and not just 'cause he's black... HE'S QUALIFIED. i may not have a lambo with rims to brag about.. but this right 'chea... TIMELESS.

But of course something crazy had to happen. Right in the middle of the inaugural prayer, I get a text message from them hos at Sprint:

As a reminder, payment is now due. Please use the payment envelope mailed with your bill or pay online at Sprint.com


You would not like to know how badly this pissed me off. Because I'm a fan of conspiracy theories. And today I have another theory:
Sprint targeted me on purpose. Because I'm black. And they wanted to steal my joy. They knew how much I wanted to actually use my phone today to make incoming calls and they hit me with this crap. They must have heard me while I used my phone that one time yesterday, happy to be unemployed right now, just for this purpose.
But during a prayer!? Woo!! The devil is a LIAR!! He came in the form of Sprint, but it's all good. I paid them hos. Let's hope my money gets transferred into my Checking on time before I get hit with charges from that other devil's spawn..Bank Of America.I always have issues with phone companies and banking institutions. Go'n and click that there.

Plenty of Fools Dot Com

SO yeah, I've been home taping /watching the inauguration and talking to my homeboy Paul, whom I haven't spoken to in years. Like, we've shot emails here and there, and facebook'd once in a while, but as far as a phone convo, four years! He ain't big on the phone thing either, but when we get to yapping; it's pure laughter. P-- if you ever become privvy to my blog-- you make my heart smile. and my face too. But I feel like P is gonna get me in trouble.
He done convinced me to join plentyoffools.com (plenty of fish). I was thinking about joining e-harmony (because as you know, I'm a fickle bitch, and I never see/meet anyone i like) and this is free, so now maybe I can get a feel of how online dating is. I'm not getting any younger and I already have one cat. It's time for CHANGE. Word to Barack. Hehe!

So far I'm not impressed. It seems like no one on there knows how to construct a sentence. I'm prejudiced against ignorant people. If you can't construct a sentence... you can't get an ounce of my time. Read this, and you tell me what in the grey poupon is going on:

SINGLE 25 YR OLD BLK AND PR MIXED....I LIVE ON MY OWN NO KIDS...I HAVE A CAR AND A JOB....IM A WAREHOUSE MANAGER I WORK 4AM TIL 1PM WEEKENDS OFF.... SO I HAVE TIME TO SPEND WITH THE RIGHT PERSON......ROUGH OUTTER SHELL BUT OVERALL IM A NICE SOFT SPOKEN GENTLEMEN (BLUE COLLAR WORKER) MY MOM RAISED ME RIGHT SO I DONT MIND PAYING, OPENING DOORS, COOKING, AND CLEANING ETC.... LETS CHAT AND SEE WHERE IT GOES!!!!! MAIN ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE ME (SMART, FUNNY,HUMBLE, MODEST, GRATEFUL, SOFT SPOKEN, CONFIDENT AT TIMES, CHARISMATIC, SHY, SWEET, THOUGHTFUL, CARING, INTELLIGENT, ARTICULATE....

IM MORE PARTIAL TO OLDER WOMEN THATS WHAT I PREFER MORE SO THAN GIRLS MY AGE... ITS NOT A FANTASY I BEEN DEALING WITH OLDER WOMEN ALL MY LIFE..... ONCE IN AWHILE ILL GIVE A GIRL MY AGE A CHANCE SO IM OPEN TO WHOEVER IS A GOOD NATURED PERSON BUT NOT A WILD PARTY TYPE.... I DEALT WITH THAT FROM MY LAST RELATIONSHIP THATS NOT WHAT I WANT!!!! SHE WAS AROUND MY AGE NEED I SAY MORE?

I give this little expirement three weeks. I have never seen men so proud to have their own car and apartment. I mean, I know it's hard to do in NY, but damn!!

P is having a ball with it though. He signed up yesterday and like, 10 minutes later, got a message from this one chick who's ass is huge. I guess that's a good thing for him. She's hard pressed to meet him. P fine and all that, but I don't know if I'd go that hard over any dude. But that could explain the fact why I'm alone? lol

He told me to give feedback on how she looks, and I told him I thought she looked a bit mantastic. I don't see an adams apple, but her features are very... what's the word I'm looking for.. I dunno.. strong. He said he's gonna take a chance and meet up with "it" at BBQ's since it's well lit and has spacious seating, so he can dip out if that's the case. I'm sure I'll be talking about this hot shit later on. Smdh.

Update* - he says its definitely a girl. I'll have more talk on this later... smh

Blog Crack:

Dude, how much do I love everyone I'm subscribed to? They rock and are always a source of entertainment. Semi-literate is still my fav though. Sorry. I play favorites. Sue me.

But, when you have time, click on everyone's blog :)

monie_