Showing posts with label wtf. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wtf. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
been a minute, yeah i know. Slap me.
Hey muffins!
How I've missed thou. I've just been going through lots of personal changes. Not that that's an excuse. But. Whatever.
Life is pretty good. Just grinding, knocking out this certificate, and weeding out the waste in my life. By waste I mean particular people. Unfortunately this included folks who I considered very near and dear to me. Then i realized that I wasn't nearly as near and dear to them.
You've heard it before. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
It's been my experience that hos be lasting a season and many a time they don't never have no reason. I can count on my hands who's been around a lifetime. I won't blame said hos. Lots of times it's my own fault. But whatever. Either way, those meant to be in your life will be there. Those who are not, will make their exit.
One thing's for certain, two things for sure- you won't even miss them after a while.
Spent Christmas in the JA. My family came down as well, and my family and my fiance's families met. My family met my fiance' for the first time. I am glad to say he passed the test :)
We had lots and lotsa fun. Lotsa rum. Monie got lots of relations. Woo chir'rens! I shall touch more on that when I get home though. Don't wanna give the goodies on the work pc :)
Well, that's all for now folks.
Later gators!
**_monie
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Such is life...
Hey Cupcakes!
Yup.. I'm still around. Glad to see some of ya'll are as well...and welcome back Miss Bella. I missed you.
Still here in DC trying to catch up on life and thangs. Already looking for my next apartment cause the rent here is higher than Richard Pryor in the late 70's!!s
Gonna move into a nice part of SE DC.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.
Speaking of work, basically, Monie don't do shit all day and gets paid handsomely for it. I wish I were able to do something, but my boss is a miserable micromanaging hellion. This ho talks more shit than a lil bit about everybody. She did me real dirty this week, and muffins, I tell you....If I didn't know my Jesus, and if I didn't have class in the daytime... I would have told this heifer about herself, her vagina, her mama, and her whole generation.
Anyway, so here I am. Master's in hand (the piece of shit degree finally came in the mail), doing nothing that has to do with marketing...doing nothing at all. I can't even get on blogger and type like I want to because my PC screen is like friggin 25 inches and everyone walks past my desk. But, Monie's no fool. I done found friends in some important places there and they're mentoring me for my next come up. Stay tuned.
I'm trying to make myself write more these days, but oddly enough... the more content I am, the more boring I become.
Go figure.
Muah! Love you muffins!
xo
Friday, July 2, 2010
H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S
H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S
Bet ya’ll didn’t know that word was an acronym.
Monie, say what?
Hell fuckin’ yeah.
Look it:
*Monie hurriedly scribbles the the following word vertically on her imaginary chalkboard and uses the chalk to point out each letter to your attention*
H is for Hustling
O is for Others'
M is for Money
E is for Eating (and drinking too) and
L is for Living free off of
E veryones
S hit and finally
S for So the fuck what, bitch?
*Chalk snaps in half from all the hard pointing. Monie throws what’s remaining in her hand somewhere over her shoulder and barely misses Dinka cat’s head*
Good-bye T.O.N.Y., Hello H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S.!
Solange aint the only bitch that can make an acronym out this mafucka!
H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S - Got it, everybody?
Now for today’s diatribe.
*Cue in T.O.N.Y instrumental*
I don’t like homeless people. That’s right, I said it. I don’t.
I feel like 99% of them are living foul-like—begging for money under false pretenses of being hungry and having no money for the bus. Meanwhile, they got more money than me because during the 8 hours I’ve been busting my ass for about $35 dollars an hour (that gets tax-raped down to like $17) you, oh Homeless Wonder, have been sucking dick tax free for crack and Popeye’s Chicken.
And if he (or she) is one of them new age Nomads like the ones that bless DC and NYC they fucks with nothing but Starbucks, Coca Cola, and Fiji water.
Monie, say what!?
Oh yes!! They are brand whores for real. I implore you to keep reading!
Well damn, bitch-- why are you so mad about it?
Really, it’s a combination of a whole lot of things, but I ain't got time for all that.
The main reason I’m so mad is because I KNOW for a fact (ok, maybe not a fact, but I have a strong ass feeling) that these ho’s are holding no less than $40 bucks after they done got through a day’s “work”.
Story time.
Yesterday, the 21st century nomad that posts up by my job asked me to spare some change. Now, I have watched old boy very closely since I’ve begun working at my job.
Every morning around 7:30 I see him sipping STARBUCKS coffee or Frappuccinos.
Every evening he’s across the street from Starbucks posted up in front of CVS panhandling for bus fare, snacks, and the cold drink of his choice. Make note that he only panhandles evenings.
What’s on his agenda in the mornings??
Mmmhmm.
Dick suckin’ and crack smokin’.
Swallow it, gargle it.
Sometimes I see this ho ass fucka on the bus. He rides it 3 whole stops and gets off. And! Wait for it….he wears an exceptionally clean pair of Jordans. Yes. JORDANS. I kid you not.
See, I’d respect ‘em more, and would probably even dip into my pocket *blankdamnstare* if these bastards told the truth or didn’t yell out demands to me.
So now that you have the background on this mafucka--- continue on.
Anywho, when he begged for my money I kindly told him that I debit everything and don’t carry cash. Which is true. Right now I exactly One Cent in my wallet, 2 void checks and $10 Jamaican dollars which is probably equivalent to…half a cent. Dead ass. After I said this to old boy, he yelled out something that left me fuckin’ flabbergasted.
Wooo chile, tell us what he said!
Sheeeiit…would I be me if I didn’t?
This muthafucka said,
“Well when you go inside bring me back out a Coca Cola!”
Say whaaaaa?!
*In my best Solange voice*
Homeless don’t beg no mo’/ They be makin’ requests oh noo
Yes, ladies! This fool didn’t even ask for something to drink, he demanded his choice of soda. Mind you, if I had, it would mean I’d have to walk in the opposite direction of where I’m going. He got a lot of nerve! I guess not having a home doesn’t stop a man from acting like a man, huh? *blank.damn.stare*
Just for kicks, I looked at the price of Coke and it was $1.79, which probably after tax brings it up to $2.00 and change. Part of me wanted to go back and elbow buss him in his dusty ass head. Because I can do a whole lot of shit with two dollars.
Let me break down the value of $2.00 in Monie’s world:
- That’s one day’s travel to and from work (or at least it was until Metro hiked fares yesterday—thanks ya bastards)
- A four piece chicken nuggets and fries at the Golden Arches—which Monie’s fat ass shouldn’t be eating, but still.
- One load of clothes washed (or dried) in the laundry room
- One can of frozen concentrated juice which I am forced to buy thanks to this severe case of broketivity I’m experiencing
- A box of Rice-a-roni. You know, The San Francisco Treat? Yeah, that shit
- A small Lucerne brand coffee creamer. I need this off brand shit for my coffee. So I can stay awake at work while I stay busy pretending to be busy
- Not just one, but two bags of sliced bread.
- 3 international text messages at.60 cents each.
.
Seriously, I could go on forever, but ya’ll get my point
“I coulda been alright by now if it wasn’t for H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S ”
*Monie blows bangs out of her eyes*
Later ya’ll. I know u loved these pics--- especially Khaki dearest :)
Bet ya’ll didn’t know that word was an acronym.
Monie, say what?
Hell fuckin’ yeah.
Look it:
*Monie hurriedly scribbles the the following word vertically on her imaginary chalkboard and uses the chalk to point out each letter to your attention*
H is for Hustling
O is for Others'
M is for Money
E is for Eating (and drinking too) and
L is for Living free off of
E veryones
S hit and finally
S for So the fuck what, bitch?
*Chalk snaps in half from all the hard pointing. Monie throws what’s remaining in her hand somewhere over her shoulder and barely misses Dinka cat’s head*
Good-bye T.O.N.Y., Hello H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S.!
Solange aint the only bitch that can make an acronym out this mafucka!
H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S - Got it, everybody?
Now for today’s diatribe.
*Cue in T.O.N.Y instrumental*
I don’t like homeless people. That’s right, I said it. I don’t.
I feel like 99% of them are living foul-like—begging for money under false pretenses of being hungry and having no money for the bus. Meanwhile, they got more money than me because during the 8 hours I’ve been busting my ass for about $35 dollars an hour (that gets tax-raped down to like $17) you, oh Homeless Wonder, have been sucking dick tax free for crack and Popeye’s Chicken.
(Click on these pics to enlarge-- they're a must see)
And if he (or she) is one of them new age Nomads like the ones that bless DC and NYC they fucks with nothing but Starbucks, Coca Cola, and Fiji water.
Monie, say what!?
Oh yes!! They are brand whores for real. I implore you to keep reading!
Well damn, bitch-- why are you so mad about it?
Really, it’s a combination of a whole lot of things, but I ain't got time for all that.
The main reason I’m so mad is because I KNOW for a fact (ok, maybe not a fact, but I have a strong ass feeling) that these ho’s are holding no less than $40 bucks after they done got through a day’s “work”.
Story time.
Yesterday, the 21st century nomad that posts up by my job asked me to spare some change. Now, I have watched old boy very closely since I’ve begun working at my job.
Every morning around 7:30 I see him sipping STARBUCKS coffee or Frappuccinos.
Every evening he’s across the street from Starbucks posted up in front of CVS panhandling for bus fare, snacks, and the cold drink of his choice. Make note that he only panhandles evenings.
What’s on his agenda in the mornings??
Mmmhmm.
Dick suckin’ and crack smokin’.
Swallow it, gargle it.
Sometimes I see this ho ass fucka on the bus. He rides it 3 whole stops and gets off. And! Wait for it….he wears an exceptionally clean pair of Jordans. Yes. JORDANS. I kid you not.
See, I’d respect ‘em more, and would probably even dip into my pocket *blankdamnstare* if these bastards told the truth or didn’t yell out demands to me.
So now that you have the background on this mafucka--- continue on.
Anywho, when he begged for my money I kindly told him that I debit everything and don’t carry cash. Which is true. Right now I exactly One Cent in my wallet, 2 void checks and $10 Jamaican dollars which is probably equivalent to…half a cent. Dead ass. After I said this to old boy, he yelled out something that left me fuckin’ flabbergasted.
Wooo chile, tell us what he said!
Sheeeiit…would I be me if I didn’t?
This muthafucka said,
“Well when you go inside bring me back out a Coca Cola!”
Say whaaaaa?!
*In my best Solange voice*
Homeless don’t beg no mo’/ They be makin’ requests oh noo
Yes, ladies! This fool didn’t even ask for something to drink, he demanded his choice of soda. Mind you, if I had, it would mean I’d have to walk in the opposite direction of where I’m going. He got a lot of nerve! I guess not having a home doesn’t stop a man from acting like a man, huh? *blank.damn.stare*
Just for kicks, I looked at the price of Coke and it was $1.79, which probably after tax brings it up to $2.00 and change. Part of me wanted to go back and elbow buss him in his dusty ass head. Because I can do a whole lot of shit with two dollars.
Let me break down the value of $2.00 in Monie’s world:
- That’s one day’s travel to and from work (or at least it was until Metro hiked fares yesterday—thanks ya bastards)
- A four piece chicken nuggets and fries at the Golden Arches—which Monie’s fat ass shouldn’t be eating, but still.
- One load of clothes washed (or dried) in the laundry room
- One can of frozen concentrated juice which I am forced to buy thanks to this severe case of broketivity I’m experiencing
- A box of Rice-a-roni. You know, The San Francisco Treat? Yeah, that shit
- A small Lucerne brand coffee creamer. I need this off brand shit for my coffee. So I can stay awake at work while I stay busy pretending to be busy
- Not just one, but two bags of sliced bread.
- 3 international text messages at.60 cents each.
.
Seriously, I could go on forever, but ya’ll get my point
“I coulda been alright by now if it wasn’t for H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S ”
*Monie blows bangs out of her eyes*
Later ya’ll. I know u loved these pics--- especially Khaki dearest :)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Unmotivation, Baby Fever.. eh...
I think I'm going through a point in my life where I'm just... I don't know. I feel unmotivated. And plain fuckin bored. There's so much I want to do that I'm not doing.
For instance, even with this blog. I've slacked off majorly, and I'm mad at myself for that. I wanted to turn this joint into a book by next year, but I dunno. Even now that I do have the time to write I haven't been. I want to publish one of my books or at least start a new one and complete it by next year, but I haven't gotten started.
I just feel stuck in a rut.
I blame the University of Maryland.
Since I've finished I'm just not motivated to write anything. I can't even stand opening a Microsoft Word document beccause I get flashbacks of 25 page papers.
It would be nice if I could have gone away for like 6 months after school finished.
Something's gotta give.
Even certain friendships. I haven't been keeping up with them, but that's mainly because folks got their own shit going on. So I've stayed to myself. Of course this poses a problem, because I'm always alone. I have no human stimulation outside of church on Sundays. My fiancee' doesn't live here , but we're always on the phone or Skype. Therefore, my phone bill is higher than Frankie and Lil Wayne put together.
My friends who do live in this city are always busy. My girls have all started families, and I haven't even seen Pop Pop since I moved down, which is shocking as hell. I guess he just outgrew me or something. *shrug*
Now I see why bitches' biological clocks be ticking. It is my theory that after a certain age people make babies because they get bored with life and want something to do. Dare I say it... having a baby doesn't sound like a bad idea to me these days.
Anywho, stay up ya'll.
I'll be back.
It would be nice if I could have gone away for like 6 months after school finished.
Something's gotta give.
Even certain friendships. I haven't been keeping up with them, but that's mainly because folks got their own shit going on. So I've stayed to myself. Of course this poses a problem, because I'm always alone. I have no human stimulation outside of church on Sundays. My fiancee' doesn't live here , but we're always on the phone or Skype. Therefore, my phone bill is higher than Frankie and Lil Wayne put together.
My friends who do live in this city are always busy. My girls have all started families, and I haven't even seen Pop Pop since I moved down, which is shocking as hell. I guess he just outgrew me or something. *shrug*
Now I see why bitches' biological clocks be ticking. It is my theory that after a certain age people make babies because they get bored with life and want something to do. Dare I say it... having a baby doesn't sound like a bad idea to me these days.
Anywho, stay up ya'll.
I'll be back.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
It's Been a Long Time; I shouldn't have left you..
Muffinssssssssssss!!!
I have missed Blogger turr'bly! School and life done caught up to my ass. School is finally over, and I am glad to inform you all they will be sending my MS degree in the mail because this bitch Monie does not do graduation ceremonies.
I have missed Blogger turr'bly! School and life done caught up to my ass. School is finally over, and I am glad to inform you all they will be sending my MS degree in the mail because this bitch Monie does not do graduation ceremonies.
Can't wait to frame that bitch and put it up in my living room though, aow!
Say hello to my adopted daughter ya'll:
I've decided to affectionately name this child in my head , "Lil Baby KeyLontay". I've seen her all over the web and facebook w/ no parent to claim her. Imma take her in. She can keep Byron and Dinka company.
Say hello to my adopted daughter ya'll:
I've decided to affectionately name this child in my head , "Lil Baby KeyLontay". I've seen her all over the web and facebook w/ no parent to claim her. Imma take her in. She can keep Byron and Dinka company.
Anywho, other than that, DC is DC...although right now I'm in Jamaica w/my fiancee' right now.
Yeah.. we've got lots to catch up on-- I promise to speak on this. Just know that I am insanely happy, the relationship is extremely healthy, my man LOVES me to no end,and I love him back. And I can't leave out the fact that he is fuckin' fine as hell. Like seriously, a lot of times I catch myself staring at him like , damn, I snagged you?? I adore him.
But back to DC.
Although I don't have no crazy club shit (only been once since I've moved), there are still tales of insanity though.... because my neighborhood is an interesting place.
We’ve got loads of teenaged gay boys walking around wearing booty shorts , boi pussies on display and shit.
hair flipped w/ tons of Pump it Up Spray
or Jerri curls
(yes, we have young boi-hos rocking jherri in 2010, clawdhe'pme please!)
hair flipped w/ tons of Pump it Up Spray
or Jerri curls
(yes, we have young boi-hos rocking jherri in 2010, clawdhe'pme please!)
and sometimes two strand twists.
I absolutely adore them for being brave enough to walk out of the house like this. Whenever I'm walking to /from work... or anywhere else, since I'm the Super Pedestrian out this mafucka... they make for great laughter.
I absolutely adore them for being brave enough to walk out of the house like this. Whenever I'm walking to /from work... or anywhere else, since I'm the Super Pedestrian out this mafucka... they make for great laughter.
We also have a teen tranny here in Southwest who is nicknamed “The Mayor”. I found this out at Open Mic Night at the library (keep reading)
And a baby nicknamed “Ay-ay”too … don’t ask.
This place is just…something else.
*blank stare*
Now let’s talk about the library for a bit. See, I've spent quite a lot of time there for the past few months, and every time I've gone in and left back out, I've been..welll... astonished for ack of better words.
And a baby nicknamed “Ay-ay”too … don’t ask.
This place is just…something else.
*blank stare*
Now let’s talk about the library for a bit. See, I've spent quite a lot of time there for the past few months, and every time I've gone in and left back out, I've been..welll... astonished for ack of better words.
Historically (and often in the present) libraries are a place of quietness where one can go to ready, study, think… quietly. But here in the SW part of the district, the whole “Shhh…this is a library” factor--- simply does not apply.
Like for real. Do not try to go there and get homework done because you will be interrupted by:
- Open Mic poetry from 5 til closing on Mondays
- (Tuesday and Thursday that m/f closes at 5)
- Wednesday is Chess Club and Movie Night from 6-closing , full with a pizza dinner, cookies, and fruit punch and it is LOUD, LOUD, AND MO’ MUTHAFCKIN LOUD.
Tuesdays and Saturdays were the only day I was able to get homework done which meant I’d have to wake up and be there for 9 am until 5:00 PM.
But it was still pretty loud:
- Random old bitch reading books and sucking old food out of her teeth *barf*
- Pre-teens and teens Myspace hoing it up.
- And just loud, loud, loud chatter
And one time an old man sitting at a table in front of me was kind enough to bend over and crank a fart so loud I thought the earth was going to move. He turned around, simply picked his shorts out of his ass and didn’t even bother to apologize. I was too through after that.
I will not go back....other than to pick out trashy hood novels like Brelon and Baldhead Marie to read for sheer entertainment. . Go'n and click dat dere and try to find her blog on that topic. You will fall the eff out.
I shall be back later w/ more updates though.
Ciao muffins!!
_monie!*
- Pre-teens and teens Myspace hoing it up.
- And just loud, loud, loud chatter
And one time an old man sitting at a table in front of me was kind enough to bend over and crank a fart so loud I thought the earth was going to move. He turned around, simply picked his shorts out of his ass and didn’t even bother to apologize. I was too through after that.
I will not go back....other than to pick out trashy hood novels like Brelon and Baldhead Marie to read for sheer entertainment. . Go'n and click dat dere and try to find her blog on that topic. You will fall the eff out.
I shall be back later w/ more updates though.
Ciao muffins!!
_monie!*
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The Set Up: Nigerian Email Scam
Hey Ya'll!
(yup, i know. back to back posts!)
I just wanna vent about Spam blocker not doing its job.
Yesterday I received the following African fuckery in my inbox:
Subject: I HAVE REGISTERED YOUR CONSINGMENT WITH THE PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE / Call me: Tel: +234-802525-4563
*Monie lights herself two cigarettes and puts her Klonopin on the table. It might be one of those… times*
What in the Amistad?!?!?!!?!
My imagination ran wild, and this is what happened in my mind:
Monie: First, what the hell is a “conSINGment”? Second, the “Parcel Express Company Courier Service”—that joint needs an acronym. Too much is going on. And last, there’s no “+” sign on my phone, so I can’t even call to verify this shit.
Carry on ya'll…
Mr. Wilson:
Hello,
I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirmable Bank cheque of (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS ) but I did not hear from you since for a couple of weeks now. Then I went to the bank to confirm if the draft has expired or getting near to the date of expire and Dr. Wilson the Director Bank of Africa told me that before the draft will get to your hand that it will expire.
(Just this once, I will ignore that hell of run on sentence)
*Lightbulb goes off in Monie’s head*
Monie: But it all makes mafuckin sense now!! This is where all the money Bank of America has been taking from me goes to!! To Africa!!
Look at 'im. It's a conspiracy. Imma tell ya'll what's really going on in this picture.
That smug mafucka is a Bank of America rep. He appears as if he's doing good by those babies, but I know the truth. He's a thief. Promising those kids my stolen two thousand united state dollars; filling them with promises of new cloths for their backs, toys, and food. These poor children. They have no idea he gives not a fuck. Kids, be warned! He will take it ALL; from the cloth on your back to the calluses on your feet!! Lawd jeezah!! You've been warned.
*Monie pops a Klonny-pin, pulls her wig off and sets it on her end table. Unbeknownst to Monie, Dinka with the help of Baby Bird Byron steal the wig and give it to the new woman in Dinka's life, Shantikafah.
I digress.
So yeah. A whole TWO MILLION UNITED STATE (no "s" ya'll) DOLLARS! This figure sounds like what they've taken from me over the years in overdraft fees. *shrug*
However, neither this Mr. Wilson (scroll down; that’s who this letter is from) or Dr. Wilson (hmm—wonder if they related?) has contacted me. I know I been tied up with school and moving and shit, but I would have remembered someone writing me about TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS owed to me.
Carry on…
Mr. Wilson: So I told him to cash the (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS) to cash payment to avoid losing this funds under expiration as I will be out of the country for an 11 Months Course and I will not come back till Ending of SEPTEMBER. 2011.
Monie: Mr Wilson; you are ever so thoughtful. I sure hope you got all 20s and 50’s. And 1’s too. Those are my favorite.
The thing is, I don’t know if I own a bag that can even hold all that cash. And I’m a "walker" (a person who doesn’t drive or ride a bike) so I don’t know if I will be able to carry all that. Oh wait!! You did say that the PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE (or the PECCS as I would like to call it) is gonna deliver the shit. My fault. Look at me getting ahead of myself.
And if I may ask, where are you going for 11 months?? You planning on sticking it to me and then going to live it up on the beach somewhere no doubt.
Mr. Wilson: What you have to do now is to contact PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your Consignment to you because of the expiring date. For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance premium so contact;
Directors Name: MR. JOHN WILLIAMS
Company’s Name: PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES
Email Address: (mrjohnw11000@vista.aero)
TELLPHONE: +234-802525 4563
Monie: Mr. Wilson—you hookin ya girl up! You paid for delivery and insurance. That’s whatsup.
*Blank Stare*
But I done told you, that I don’t have a “+” on my “tellphone”. How am I gonna get through to them to deliver this consignment? I guess I can always email him.
Mr. Wilson: The only money you will send to the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES to deliver your Consignment direct to your postal Address in your country is ($100USD) only being Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far.
Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $100USD ONLY.
I would have paid that but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage. You have to contact the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES now for the delivery of your PARCEL with this information bellow;
1, Full Name:
2, Address of Residence:
3, country from:
4, Telephone Number:
5, Occupation...
Monie: I will try not to let anyone deceive me to pay anything other than the $100 USD. Do you have copies of the receipts showing you paid for insurance and delivery? Just in case they try to make me pay? Also, I’m confused, now. Is it “Parcel Express Company Courier Service or just Parcel Express Courier Service”? Anyway, thanks for letting me know you would have paid if you could. You’re very thoughtful, Mr. Wilson. Why didn’t you give them my info though? I mean, surely you have that. You’re privy to everything else…
Mr. Wilson: Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and Direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package over there, that will be after you paid the Security Keeping Fee and when it will get to your address. Let me repeat again, Try contact them as soon as you receive this mail and ask them how you will make the security fee of $100USD to them to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $100USD for their immediate action.
Monie: I dunno about this Mr. Wilson… I smell a setup. You know I live in DC, like 4 blocks from the White House… and they have a way of finding out everything. Them some bad muthas if you didn’t know. I mean, President Obama seems really, really nice— it’s them other hos in the Cabinet that I don’t trust.
**takes hard puff of cigarette**
So yeah, no matter how much that TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS sounds, I like the happy state of mind that I’m in (most of the time) now.
Mr. Wilson: Note this. The PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES don't know the contents of the Box.
I registered it as a BOX of Africa cloths. They did not know the content was money? Only Dr. John knew this as confidential agreement between me and him because he advice me so, this is to avoid them delaying with the BOX. Don’t let them Know that the box content is money okay.
Monie: Mr. Wilson, you sneaky dog!! Both you and Dr. Wilson!! But why are you asking me “they did not know the content was money?” Did they, or is that just a typo. Mr. Wilson, I don’t want no trouble, you hear me?? NO TROUBLE!! I won’t let them or anyone know the box content is money. Just ordinary... African... CLOTHS.
It can be like , our little secret.
Mr. Wilson: You are to make the payment of $100 Dollars in the name of the PARCEL accountant officer (MR DABO STEVEN) for the security payment/keeping fee of your package with this payment details below:
Receiver Name: MR DABO STEVEN
Receiver Address: NO.32 GROVERS CRESCENT, ABUJA NIGERIA
Sender's Name: Your Name
Sender's Address:
Amount To be Sent: $100 usd
Text Question to be used: HOW ARE YOU
Text Answer: FINE
M.T.C.N. ( Ten Digit Number )
Monie: So is Mr. Dabo Steven in on the take as well? Or did he already get his portion of the money? Cause I’m gonna count this here currency and if it doesn’t add up to TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS Imma have some questions for you and Mr. Steven.
Bad gyal don't fear. * snarl*
I will make note not to put a question mark after the text question “how are you”. I am not trying to cause further delay with this BOX.
Mr. Wilson: Make sure you send to me the payment information, which was given to you via Western Union or Money Gram.
Monie: I didn't get anything form Western Union or Money gram. Please resend. I'll more than likely use Western Union, since I’m a Western Union PRO.
*brushing dirt off shoulders*
No problem!
Mr. Wilson:You are advice to send the money today so as to avoid any delay from delivery your package to your door step. Package arrives to your doorstep in 48hrs.
Monie: Oh wow, only 48 hours…. coming from Nigeria??? You can pretty much send a BOX at light speed now I guess. That don’t sound right, Mr. Wilson.
Mr. Wilson: As soon as you make the payment of Security Keeping fee of $100USD ask them to give you your tracking number, for proper verification to avoid mistake.
This is the Couier Company website: pescnig.net
And you can call me Agent for more info +234-802525-4563
Yours Faithfully,
MR. SCOTT WILLIAMS
Monie: Um, Agent? Hold the fuck up.
I definitely need some more info. I looked at the website, and saw a mafuckin horse with a PARCEL on its back. Like some real Pony Express type shit was going on, on that website.
And if that’s the way you’re sending my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS, I'd rather we go about this in some other way. I’m quite sure it’s not gonna get here in 48 hours. Additionally, this can't be safe. No matter how much insurance you put on it.
I'm sure the horse is gonna get hungry on its way here from Nigeria. And I'm not sure whether they send the horse with food or not, but I'm not tryna fuck around with a hungry horse and have him eat my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS.
No, no, NO!! Especially after I paid my hard earned (ok, so it's Financial Aid) $100 dollars down!
Please email me in regards to the questions that I have. You can call me at 301______. Please do not put a “+” in front of my number, or you won’t be able to contact me.
Thanks.
Frightfully,
Monie
*sigh*
Dear God, it's me, Monie...
i can't.
(yup, i know. back to back posts!)
I just wanna vent about Spam blocker not doing its job.
Yesterday I received the following African fuckery in my inbox:
Subject: I HAVE REGISTERED YOUR CONSINGMENT WITH THE PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE / Call me: Tel: +234-802525-4563
*Monie lights herself two cigarettes and puts her Klonopin on the table. It might be one of those… times*
What in the Amistad?!?!?!!?!
Keep us free!!
My imagination ran wild, and this is what happened in my mind:
Monie: First, what the hell is a “conSINGment”? Second, the “Parcel Express Company Courier Service”—that joint needs an acronym. Too much is going on. And last, there’s no “+” sign on my phone, so I can’t even call to verify this shit.
Carry on ya'll…
Mr. Wilson:
Hello,
I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirmable Bank cheque of (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS ) but I did not hear from you since for a couple of weeks now. Then I went to the bank to confirm if the draft has expired or getting near to the date of expire and Dr. Wilson the Director Bank of Africa told me that before the draft will get to your hand that it will expire.
(Just this once, I will ignore that hell of run on sentence)
*Lightbulb goes off in Monie’s head*
Monie: But it all makes mafuckin sense now!! This is where all the money Bank of America has been taking from me goes to!! To Africa!!
Look at 'im. It's a conspiracy. Imma tell ya'll what's really going on in this picture.
That smug mafucka is a Bank of America rep. He appears as if he's doing good by those babies, but I know the truth. He's a thief. Promising those kids my stolen two thousand united state dollars; filling them with promises of new cloths for their backs, toys, and food. These poor children. They have no idea he gives not a fuck. Kids, be warned! He will take it ALL; from the cloth on your back to the calluses on your feet!! Lawd jeezah!! You've been warned.
*Monie pops a Klonny-pin, pulls her wig off and sets it on her end table. Unbeknownst to Monie, Dinka with the help of Baby Bird Byron steal the wig and give it to the new woman in Dinka's life, Shantikafah.
She is thus pleased. *
I digress.
So yeah. A whole TWO MILLION UNITED STATE (no "s" ya'll) DOLLARS! This figure sounds like what they've taken from me over the years in overdraft fees. *shrug*
However, neither this Mr. Wilson (scroll down; that’s who this letter is from) or Dr. Wilson (hmm—wonder if they related?) has contacted me. I know I been tied up with school and moving and shit, but I would have remembered someone writing me about TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS owed to me.
Carry on…
Mr. Wilson: So I told him to cash the (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS) to cash payment to avoid losing this funds under expiration as I will be out of the country for an 11 Months Course and I will not come back till Ending of SEPTEMBER. 2011.
Monie: Mr Wilson; you are ever so thoughtful. I sure hope you got all 20s and 50’s. And 1’s too. Those are my favorite.
The thing is, I don’t know if I own a bag that can even hold all that cash. And I’m a "walker" (a person who doesn’t drive or ride a bike) so I don’t know if I will be able to carry all that. Oh wait!! You did say that the PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE (or the PECCS as I would like to call it) is gonna deliver the shit. My fault. Look at me getting ahead of myself.
And if I may ask, where are you going for 11 months?? You planning on sticking it to me and then going to live it up on the beach somewhere no doubt.
Mr. Wilson: What you have to do now is to contact PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your Consignment to you because of the expiring date. For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance premium so contact;
Directors Name: MR. JOHN WILLIAMS
Company’s Name: PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES
Email Address: (mrjohnw11000@vista.aero)
TELLPHONE: +234-802525 4563
Monie: Mr. Wilson—you hookin ya girl up! You paid for delivery and insurance. That’s whatsup.
*Blank Stare*
But I done told you, that I don’t have a “+” on my “tellphone”. How am I gonna get through to them to deliver this consignment? I guess I can always email him.
Mr. Wilson: The only money you will send to the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES to deliver your Consignment direct to your postal Address in your country is ($100USD) only being Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far.
Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $100USD ONLY.
I would have paid that but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage. You have to contact the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES now for the delivery of your PARCEL with this information bellow;
1, Full Name:
2, Address of Residence:
3, country from:
4, Telephone Number:
5, Occupation...
Monie: I will try not to let anyone deceive me to pay anything other than the $100 USD. Do you have copies of the receipts showing you paid for insurance and delivery? Just in case they try to make me pay? Also, I’m confused, now. Is it “Parcel Express Company Courier Service or just Parcel Express Courier Service”? Anyway, thanks for letting me know you would have paid if you could. You’re very thoughtful, Mr. Wilson. Why didn’t you give them my info though? I mean, surely you have that. You’re privy to everything else…
Mr. Wilson: Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and Direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package over there, that will be after you paid the Security Keeping Fee and when it will get to your address. Let me repeat again, Try contact them as soon as you receive this mail and ask them how you will make the security fee of $100USD to them to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $100USD for their immediate action.
Monie: I dunno about this Mr. Wilson… I smell a setup. You know I live in DC, like 4 blocks from the White House… and they have a way of finding out everything. Them some bad muthas if you didn’t know. I mean, President Obama seems really, really nice— it’s them other hos in the Cabinet that I don’t trust.
**takes hard puff of cigarette**
I just don’t wanna do nothing to mess up the (second ) start of my grown woman life. I fucked up the first one pretty badly, and now I have no couch, no bed, microwave, or electric tea kettle… and crack wasn't even involved!!
But that’s a whole nother story.
So yeah, no matter how much that TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS sounds, I like the happy state of mind that I’m in (most of the time) now.
Mr. Wilson: Note this. The PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES don't know the contents of the Box.
I registered it as a BOX of Africa cloths. They did not know the content was money? Only Dr. John knew this as confidential agreement between me and him because he advice me so, this is to avoid them delaying with the BOX. Don’t let them Know that the box content is money okay.
Monie: Mr. Wilson, you sneaky dog!! Both you and Dr. Wilson!! But why are you asking me “they did not know the content was money?” Did they, or is that just a typo. Mr. Wilson, I don’t want no trouble, you hear me?? NO TROUBLE!! I won’t let them or anyone know the box content is money. Just ordinary... African... CLOTHS.
Mr. Wilson: You are to make the payment of $100 Dollars in the name of the PARCEL accountant officer (MR DABO STEVEN) for the security payment/keeping fee of your package with this payment details below:
Receiver Name: MR DABO STEVEN
Receiver Address: NO.32 GROVERS CRESCENT, ABUJA NIGERIA
Sender's Name: Your Name
Sender's Address:
Amount To be Sent: $100 usd
Text Question to be used: HOW ARE YOU
Text Answer: FINE
M.T.C.N. ( Ten Digit Number )
Monie: So is Mr. Dabo Steven in on the take as well? Or did he already get his portion of the money? Cause I’m gonna count this here currency and if it doesn’t add up to TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS Imma have some questions for you and Mr. Steven.
Bad gyal don't fear. * snarl*
I will make note not to put a question mark after the text question “how are you”. I am not trying to cause further delay with this BOX.
Mr. Wilson: Make sure you send to me the payment information, which was given to you via Western Union or Money Gram.
Monie: I didn't get anything form Western Union or Money gram. Please resend. I'll more than likely use Western Union, since I’m a Western Union PRO.
*brushing dirt off shoulders*
No problem!
Mr. Wilson:You are advice to send the money today so as to avoid any delay from delivery your package to your door step. Package arrives to your doorstep in 48hrs.
Monie: Oh wow, only 48 hours…. coming from Nigeria??? You can pretty much send a BOX at light speed now I guess. That don’t sound right, Mr. Wilson.
Mr. Wilson: As soon as you make the payment of Security Keeping fee of $100USD ask them to give you your tracking number, for proper verification to avoid mistake.
This is the Couier Company website: pescnig.net
And you can call me Agent for more info +234-802525-4563
Yours Faithfully,
MR. SCOTT WILLIAMS
Monie: Um, Agent? Hold the fuck up.
I definitely need some more info. I looked at the website, and saw a mafuckin horse with a PARCEL on its back. Like some real Pony Express type shit was going on, on that website.
And if that’s the way you’re sending my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS, I'd rather we go about this in some other way. I’m quite sure it’s not gonna get here in 48 hours. Additionally, this can't be safe. No matter how much insurance you put on it.
I'm sure the horse is gonna get hungry on its way here from Nigeria. And I'm not sure whether they send the horse with food or not, but I'm not tryna fuck around with a hungry horse and have him eat my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS.
Please email me in regards to the questions that I have. You can call me at 301______. Please do not put a “+” in front of my number, or you won’t be able to contact me.
Thanks.
Frightfully,
Monie
*sigh*
Dear God, it's me, Monie...
i can't.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Hey Babies!!
I've sooo been missing writing here. I've been keeping up with everybody via RSS feeds (Bella and Khaki... ya'll SLAY ME!!!), but I've been a mix between lazy, busy, and just plain TIRED. I attempted to move in the blizzard like a dumb ass. Got stuck at the Hilton for a few days, and now I'm in my apartment with no damn furniture. I saw bed bugs on my mattress so my mom advised me to throw everything away. Now I'm awaiting my couch, new bed, entertainment stand...yeah.. basically everything. Yeah... I'm about suffering from uber-brokeassedness.
My new apartment..which I lovingly call the DivaRoom... is nice. It will be a lot nicer when I can sit on a fuckin couch though. My ass cheeks hurt from sitting on the parquet floors. I couldn't take no mo' and took my ass (pun intended) to the library across the street today. It felt so good to sit on a chair.
Anywho, other than that, nada mas. Trying to find a job; finish up this semester and keep it moving. And of course see if I can scrape up some money for a vacay. I totally need one. Yes. Again. I'm high strung, sue me!
Later Gators!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Fuck the First-- A Dedication to CKO Kickboxing Gym. And Sprint Too
Hey Ya'll!
*Monie plops down on couch, sighs, and blows her wig bangs out of her eyes*
Anywho, as I was saying; first of the month is always no bueno.
Monie always dreads the first, and here's why:
Several wretched things happen on the first of the month, particularly surrounding my bank account.
It is my theory that Bank of America and CKO Kickboxing gym have a meeting on the last day of the previous month to see which ways they’re going to bend me over, fuck me, and take once cent over the amount needed to throw me into a negative balance and then charge me for “extended overdraft fees”. It is my belief that they take the small sum of money that probably totals no more than $31, split it amongst themselves and buy pepperoni pizza and Sprite.
I could be wrong though. *shrug*
(Damn, that pizza look good as shit--- I can lightweight understand why they're doing this now!)
:/
I digress.
The first of the month is a time for broke-ness.
And as a result of broke-ness; a time for aggravation ; a time for fantasies about running up in Sprint stores, CKO Kickboxing, and Bank of America locations rocking a multi colored weave; gold tooth, mad bangles on my arm, and a ring on each finger--- and behaving like the most gutta Jamaican-Fulton-Street-in-Brooklyn type of hood rat; spouting off all types of "bumboclaats" and “pussyclaaats” and whipping hydrochloric acid out of my purse and threatening to splash it on everyone and turn them into "monkeys".
But, these fantasies never come to life because:
A) I don’t drive, and have no desire to get on public transportation just to tell people about their mothers. It's fucking cold outside, and I’m anemic.
B) Hoodboogaism does not live in me. I came up upper-middle class, and I’m not in the habit of fronting.
C) I have no access to hydrochloric acid :(
D) I’m insanely clumsy, and would probably end up splashing my damn self with the acid.
It’s just not a good look.
So anyway...
In standard first of month fashion, I fire up my PC and begrudgingly log into Bank of America with my forehead mad wrinkled up like old man ass cheeks, and wait to see a negative balance as a result of some fuckery that should not be charged.
And there it is:
Sticking out in red:
Pending ACH HOLD CLUB KO COPIA GUE CLUB FEES ON 02/01 Debit Pending -$64.09
$136.60
*This is where Monie gets to carrying on like a Baptist (or Pentecostal) church woman at a funeral* (For those of you who don’t know; that means lots of LOUD wailing, pacing, shouting, arms flailing and carrying on)
Even though I am home alone right now, I still don’t carry on this way.
I like to believe I’m type dignified and shit.
*Mo lifts wig, and scratches scalp good and hard, then straightens wig back up*
The one good thing about today is I'm not in the negative (thanks FINAID, pending and all, just knowing you will be in there available to me soon-- you complete thee) ; however, I know I'm supposed to have about 200 dollars in there. And I need that 200 dollars.
Because I also have to pay those pussyholes up at Sprint about 100 after taxes on the 1st.
So instead of bringing embarrassment and shame upon my mama for ending up on the news because I carried on with the aforementioned hood-booga antics, I log onto Better Business Bureau's website and file a complaint.
Woe is mo :,(
on another note... moving on Friday :))) WOoohoooo!!
oh. got me a lil boyfriend too. i told myself i wasn't gonna talk about him. at least not until he shows his ass :)
LaterGators! :)
*Monie plops down on couch, sighs, and blows her wig bangs out of her eyes*
heheheheheheheh :)
Many people look forward to the first of the month. For some it means welfare checks; for others, it’s the start of something fresh. *Monie pours a double shot of Vodka, gulps it down--- and throws body on the floor; squirming in anguish from the burn in her chest*Anywho, as I was saying; first of the month is always no bueno.
Monie always dreads the first, and here's why:
Several wretched things happen on the first of the month, particularly surrounding my bank account.
It is my theory that Bank of America and CKO Kickboxing gym have a meeting on the last day of the previous month to see which ways they’re going to bend me over, fuck me, and take once cent over the amount needed to throw me into a negative balance and then charge me for “extended overdraft fees”. It is my belief that they take the small sum of money that probably totals no more than $31, split it amongst themselves and buy pepperoni pizza and Sprite.
I could be wrong though. *shrug*
(Damn, that pizza look good as shit--- I can lightweight understand why they're doing this now!)
:/
I digress.
The first of the month is a time for broke-ness.
And as a result of broke-ness; a time for aggravation ; a time for fantasies about running up in Sprint stores, CKO Kickboxing, and Bank of America locations rocking a multi colored weave; gold tooth, mad bangles on my arm, and a ring on each finger--- and behaving like the most gutta Jamaican-Fulton-Street-in-
But, these fantasies never come to life because:
A) I don’t drive, and have no desire to get on public transportation just to tell people about their mothers. It's fucking cold outside, and I’m anemic.
B) Hoodboogaism does not live in me. I came up upper-middle class, and I’m not in the habit of fronting.
C) I have no access to hydrochloric acid :(
D) I’m insanely clumsy, and would probably end up splashing my damn self with the acid.
It’s just not a good look.
So anyway...
In standard first of month fashion, I fire up my PC and begrudgingly log into Bank of America with my forehead mad wrinkled up like old man ass cheeks, and wait to see a negative balance as a result of some fuckery that should not be charged.
And there it is:
Sticking out in red:
Pending ACH HOLD CLUB KO COPIA GUE CLUB FEES ON 02/01 Debit Pending -$64.09
$136.60
*This is where Monie gets to carrying on like a Baptist (or Pentecostal) church woman at a funeral* (For those of you who don’t know; that means lots of LOUD wailing, pacing, shouting, arms flailing and carrying on)
Even though I am home alone right now, I still don’t carry on this way.
I like to believe I’m type dignified and shit.
*Mo lifts wig, and scratches scalp good and hard, then straightens wig back up*
*giggle*
The one good thing about today is I'm not in the negative (thanks FINAID, pending and all, just knowing you will be in there available to me soon-- you complete thee) ; however, I know I'm supposed to have about 200 dollars in there. And I need that 200 dollars.
Because I also have to pay those pussyholes up at Sprint about 100 after taxes on the 1st.
So instead of bringing embarrassment and shame upon my mama for ending up on the news because I carried on with the aforementioned hood-booga antics, I log onto Better Business Bureau's website and file a complaint.
Woe is mo :,(
on another note... moving on Friday :))) WOoohoooo!!
oh. got me a lil boyfriend too. i told myself i wasn't gonna talk about him. at least not until he shows his ass :)
LaterGators! :)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Don't Buss Yo Pussy Open for Niggas That Run In the Same Circle-- A Club Story
Hey Muffins!
Hope all is well with everyone out there in Blogland. As things are winding down to my departure date from NY, I've been going out in hopes of having fun.
*rolls eyes*
Can somebody please tell me where the eff is all the fun to be had in this city that is NY?? Very rarely have I gone out and had fun (unless I was shitfaced drunk).
K dragged me out to Quo (formerly Prime, formerly whatever else, cause these mafuckas switch up names so much I can't even keep count) again this week in hopes to find her ex-jump off to make him jealous. We saw him there last week and he dissed her.
*Monie sighs, lights up a cigarette, and puts her feet up on the Ottoman*
Let me just say this. Ladies, if your pop off plays you; just take it in stride and keep it moving. Don't get it in your mind that you are his woman and try making him jealous. He gives not a fuck, and neither should you.
We'll press on this topic later though.
*raised eyebrows*
I digress...
Sooo, for one, last night was damned brisk. And it was raining. I didn't anticipate standing on line since we went with the promoters, but apparently, promoters truly ain't shit anymore because even they can't get anyone in the club. We got there 10-ish (which as most of you know is mad early for NY nightlife) so we were able to beat the $30 club charge. Since when did women have to pay over $20 anywhere??
That recession is still rockin out hard, huh?
So. Me and K are there along with some other Chucky Cheese hos
the promoters brought along with them. Like, no lie. They were 20 and 21. The 20 year old had to pay the bouncer to let her in. Now, ain't nothing wrong with young hos; cause afterall, once upon a time I was a young ho.
However...these dudes are like 25 and up. Why the hell they rocking out with babies, I don't know. And they weren't even cute babies. :(
One of them seriously needed to be swaddled in a fleece blanket and taken back to her crib.
The child had on a pleather jacket that criscrossed so her entire chest was out, some tight black sweater dress and kitten heels. Her hair was a hot atrocity both before the rain and after. This bitch had no umbrella, no hood, not even a plastic shower cap. We stood on that line for about half hour. By the time we got in she was soaked. K felt so bad for her she bought her a shot of Patron to warm her up. Lawd, I pray she don't catch pneumonia.
Now, I call myself not drinking anymore, but I needed to warm up too, so I had 2 shots of Patron. Which did absolutely nothing. Not even a buzz. :(
Anywho, the Romper Room hos go off and do their thing, and we go meet up with the promoters after we leave the bar. These wack ass niggas are all sitting around in the VIP section, on their Blackberries, doing and saying absolutely nothing.
So I whipped out my Blackberry and headed over to that nice, warm place that always makes me feel so...fuzzy inside. Yup:
*rolls eyes*
Mannnnn....when you have to be on Facebook in the clubhouse you know it's bad!
So, I'm on there; K's dancing around on the prowl for ex jumpsy, but spots this other dude she thought was cute.
Now, I will admit I thought he was cute... til she pointed out he had gold toofisis.
*pause for the mafuckin' cause*
Why is a grown ass man (30 years old!) rocking gold toofisis?? Can somebody explain this to me. I've always thought the shits were plain nasty, but come on! After that, I was and still am against him. :(
So when he goes off she gives me the run down on him. He's 30; friends with the promoters (they --along with the ex-jumpsy mind you--all grew up in the same neighborhood, but he recently moved); he's a C.O.
And then she's like how she's "going to have him wrapped around her finger"; how "she's gonna lock him down cause he has benefits"
*Monie pauses, lights another cigarette, and accidentally sets the end of her lacefront wig on fire.She stops. Drops. And rolls.*
I can't... bitch done made me mess up my good wig out'chea!!
I love my girl. Truly. We go all the way back to My Little Pony and Skip It days, but she is damn oblivious when it comes to men.
For one; please don't think you're doing a good thing trying to lock some man down because he has benefits. The only way this benefits you is if he puts a ring on it. Only then are you entitled to half of anything. If you do get pregnant, trust and believe there still ain't much "benefits" when you try to stick child support on that ass. The court ain't all that nice. They too realize you ain't the wife.
You
WON'T
get
half.
(I'm putting that on a tshirt)
So anyway.
Nothing exciting really happened in the club. Around 2 am the Promotion Team finally bought a mafuckin bottle of Goose, and while I don't really care for Goosey anymore, I figured that a lil bit would help me loosen up and not give a fuck that the DJ couldn't play worth a damn. I had a glass straight, and while I felt that woozy-pussy-popping feeling I used to live for when I drank...nothing. I finally just sat my ass down and got on Facebook til the night was over. At 4:30 am. So that means we spent approximately 6 hours in the club. *smdh*
Of course while we're in the car K is going on and on about the new nigga. Let's just name him. We'll call him Goldie Redbone , or "Goldie Red" for short since that describes him to a Tee.
I can already sense this may get messy:
See, K used to mess with J; the boy she was crazy about last January (Go'n and click that there); and J's roomate H (one of the promoters) hangs out with Goldie Red. Now, H used to be over there all the time when K and J were slaying it out, and probably knows K buss her pussy open for J on the first night she met him after the club. Now H., Goldie Redbone, and the rest of the promoters drove in the same car. Anddd as I mentioned before; they all know Ex Popoff.
I wouldn't be surprised if H told Goldie Red about K and J because on the ride home Goldie Red calls up and K and says he wants to see her later on that night. Hmph.
Monday afternoon this crazy girl BBMs me talking about he came by her job, and how he's really sexy (I still beg to differ, but if she like it, i LOVE it) and he has these piercing eyes, and it's going to be so hard to resist him.
*Blank damn stare*
I laid it on her straight and told her she better not hit that til March because niggas talk more than bitches *shrug* and somebody probably told him in that car that you ain't hard to smash out. So she's like, "True. I know. I'm going to wait. I don't know if I can though"
I told her try a new thing, and get new results.
So we shall see.
Don't get me wrong; I ain't judging her. None of this is anything I haven't said to her face. And besides, who am I to even judge; looking at my own track record with niggas. Ha! The good thing is, I've done most of my (not much) dirt abroad so I don't have to worry about this ex running into that one :)
And that's all for right now. I'm about to go wash my own hair with my broke ass, cause I'm flying out to DC this evening. Aowzah!!
Hope all is well with everyone out there in Blogland. As things are winding down to my departure date from NY, I've been going out in hopes of having fun.
*rolls eyes*
Can somebody please tell me where the eff is all the fun to be had in this city that is NY?? Very rarely have I gone out and had fun (unless I was shitfaced drunk).
K dragged me out to Quo (formerly Prime, formerly whatever else, cause these mafuckas switch up names so much I can't even keep count) again this week in hopes to find her ex-jump off to make him jealous. We saw him there last week and he dissed her.
*Monie sighs, lights up a cigarette, and puts her feet up on the Ottoman*
Let me just say this. Ladies, if your pop off plays you; just take it in stride and keep it moving. Don't get it in your mind that you are his woman and try making him jealous. He gives not a fuck, and neither should you.
We'll press on this topic later though.
*raised eyebrows*
I digress...
Sooo, for one, last night was damned brisk. And it was raining. I didn't anticipate standing on line since we went with the promoters, but apparently, promoters truly ain't shit anymore because even they can't get anyone in the club. We got there 10-ish (which as most of you know is mad early for NY nightlife) so we were able to beat the $30 club charge. Since when did women have to pay over $20 anywhere??
That recession is still rockin out hard, huh?
So. Me and K are there along with some other Chucky Cheese hos
the promoters brought along with them. Like, no lie. They were 20 and 21. The 20 year old had to pay the bouncer to let her in. Now, ain't nothing wrong with young hos; cause afterall, once upon a time I was a young ho.
However...these dudes are like 25 and up. Why the hell they rocking out with babies, I don't know. And they weren't even cute babies. :(
One of them seriously needed to be swaddled in a fleece blanket and taken back to her crib.
The child had on a pleather jacket that criscrossed so her entire chest was out, some tight black sweater dress and kitten heels. Her hair was a hot atrocity both before the rain and after. This bitch had no umbrella, no hood, not even a plastic shower cap. We stood on that line for about half hour. By the time we got in she was soaked. K felt so bad for her she bought her a shot of Patron to warm her up. Lawd, I pray she don't catch pneumonia.
Now, I call myself not drinking anymore, but I needed to warm up too, so I had 2 shots of Patron. Which did absolutely nothing. Not even a buzz. :(
Anywho, the Romper Room hos go off and do their thing, and we go meet up with the promoters after we leave the bar. These wack ass niggas are all sitting around in the VIP section, on their Blackberries, doing and saying absolutely nothing.
So I whipped out my Blackberry and headed over to that nice, warm place that always makes me feel so...fuzzy inside. Yup:
Mannnnn....when you have to be on Facebook in the clubhouse you know it's bad!
So, I'm on there; K's dancing around on the prowl for ex jumpsy, but spots this other dude she thought was cute.
Now, I will admit I thought he was cute... til she pointed out he had gold toofisis.
*pause for the mafuckin' cause*
Why is a grown ass man (30 years old!) rocking gold toofisis?? Can somebody explain this to me. I've always thought the shits were plain nasty, but come on! After that, I was and still am against him. :(
So when he goes off she gives me the run down on him. He's 30; friends with the promoters (they --along with the ex-jumpsy mind you--all grew up in the same neighborhood, but he recently moved); he's a C.O.
And then she's like how she's "going to have him wrapped around her finger"; how "she's gonna lock him down cause he has benefits"
*Monie pauses, lights another cigarette, and accidentally sets the end of her lacefront wig on fire.She stops. Drops. And rolls.*
I can't... bitch done made me mess up my good wig out'chea!!
I love my girl. Truly. We go all the way back to My Little Pony and Skip It days, but she is damn oblivious when it comes to men.
For one; please don't think you're doing a good thing trying to lock some man down because he has benefits. The only way this benefits you is if he puts a ring on it. Only then are you entitled to half of anything. If you do get pregnant, trust and believe there still ain't much "benefits" when you try to stick child support on that ass. The court ain't all that nice. They too realize you ain't the wife.
You
WON'T
get
half.
(I'm putting that on a tshirt)
So anyway.
Nothing exciting really happened in the club. Around 2 am the Promotion Team finally bought a mafuckin bottle of Goose, and while I don't really care for Goosey anymore, I figured that a lil bit would help me loosen up and not give a fuck that the DJ couldn't play worth a damn. I had a glass straight, and while I felt that woozy-pussy-popping feeling I used to live for when I drank...nothing. I finally just sat my ass down and got on Facebook til the night was over. At 4:30 am. So that means we spent approximately 6 hours in the club. *smdh*
Of course while we're in the car K is going on and on about the new nigga. Let's just name him. We'll call him Goldie Redbone , or "Goldie Red" for short since that describes him to a Tee.
I can already sense this may get messy:
See, K used to mess with J; the boy she was crazy about last January (Go'n and click that there); and J's roomate H (one of the promoters) hangs out with Goldie Red. Now, H used to be over there all the time when K and J were slaying it out, and probably knows K buss her pussy open for J on the first night she met him after the club. Now H., Goldie Redbone, and the rest of the promoters drove in the same car. Anddd as I mentioned before; they all know Ex Popoff.
I wouldn't be surprised if H told Goldie Red about K and J because on the ride home Goldie Red calls up and K and says he wants to see her later on that night. Hmph.
Monday afternoon this crazy girl BBMs me talking about he came by her job, and how he's really sexy (I still beg to differ, but if she like it, i LOVE it) and he has these piercing eyes, and it's going to be so hard to resist him.
*Blank damn stare*
I laid it on her straight and told her she better not hit that til March because niggas talk more than bitches *shrug* and somebody probably told him in that car that you ain't hard to smash out. So she's like, "True. I know. I'm going to wait. I don't know if I can though"
I told her try a new thing, and get new results.
So we shall see.
Don't get me wrong; I ain't judging her. None of this is anything I haven't said to her face. And besides, who am I to even judge; looking at my own track record with niggas. Ha! The good thing is, I've done most of my (not much) dirt abroad so I don't have to worry about this ex running into that one :)
And that's all for right now. I'm about to go wash my own hair with my broke ass, cause I'm flying out to DC this evening. Aowzah!!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Damn, it feels like forever...
Bloggymuffins!! How art thou? Happy New Year (all late and shit).
*Monie settles into her La-z-boy; slips her feet out of her slippers...then slips them back in after she's hit with the scent of corn chips*
hehe :)
I know; it's been forever. I wish I had an excuse this time, but I don't.
*Shrug*
Ever since I came back from Jamaica, I've just been getting things in order. Looks like I will be moving that first week in February to DC. I was going to move back into my old apartment building, but things fell through. Usually when I look for places in DC I never find any that are affordable, but I actually found a few places that were affordable and had utilities included. God is GOOD.
On the boy-front...
It's quite dry. #4 and I are officially through. For real this time. Yes, I know, said it before, but for real. I am too fixed in my ways, and he is too fixed in his. There's a lot of stuff I left out about him in the weeks I was there.
If I ever had to give those 3 and half weeks of my life a title, I'd have to call it "Crying, Fighting, and Chain Smoking"
Lawd!! That boy has a mean streak. I know I'm a little bit sensitive, especially when it comes to people telling me I'm doing something wrong (when I know I'm not), but he's got no tact at all. Even if I am, please don't insult me. If I do something strange or wrong in his eyes, he asks me why I'm doing it, and follows it up with "Are you an idiot?" or "That's stupid."
After these comments come massive arguments between us, and the insults get hurled back and forth.
When I tell him about himself for talking to me like this he tells me that I'm being sensitive and the only reason it's a big deal to me is because my parents spoil me and my mother probably still hugs me because I'm a baby and need to grow up.
*middle finger @ #4*
So what, nigga?? Yes, my mother still hugs me. My parents treat me well and talk to me like I'm a human being. My mother helps me out when I'm in need.
Since when did that become being spoiled? Ain't that what parents do?
I think a lot of his behavior is a result of his mother being dead and never knowing his father so he doesn't really have that sense of love. It seems that he resents me for having it. He was raised by his aunt, and she talks to him like he ain't shit. However, I don't care for his learned behavior in my life any longer.
So I had to cut myself loose. He was mad. Told me I'm demanding and I only want things to be my way. How God has not made the man that I'm looking for yet. Blah, blah, blah.
So I very calmly told him "I am not arguing with you anymore. If that's how you feel, then fine. I have no problem being cool with you. We can talk on the phone from time to time, but you will never have another reason to argue with me again, and will never have one to argue with you." He kinda calmed down after that, and then strangely enough we had one of the best conversations ever. He's really funny and ignites a lot of ideas for me to write about.
It's funny though, because now that we're not "together" he calls and tries to keep in touch more than he ever did. I don't call him, but I will text him to say "hey" when I'm bored.
*Monie crinkles her nose*
Where they do that at?
In other events... I missed my blog anniversary which was December 27.
What is a hobby for me actually turned out to be very therapeutic and has even earned me a chance to be published. Go'n and click that there.
Who'da thunk it?! Certainly not me. 2009 was a good year. I received many blessings. I hope 2010 is even better. :)
Well, that's it for now. Got some writing I need to do.
Kisses and Hugs to you all,
xoxom0nie!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Why I Declare! I Regret You, but I Don't Regret the Orgasms and Other Cynacisms
So as I sat flipping through the man-o-log of my life, having silent conversation with myself (as i usually do); i thought about the men I've smashed, and realized that I regret all of them.
*Monie lights Marlboro Light, puffs, and exhales*
(I have switched brands...I've also quit, but in my mind, I'll always be a smoker--hehe)
So yeah, every last one. Except for the orgasms.
The orgasms were quite magical and I 'preciates 'em, as it can be quite hard for a female to achieve one, much less several as I have been lucky enough to gain.
I have given up on finding "that perfect love" that I so wanted earlier this year. Fuck love. I'd take a cheeseburger (preferably flame broiled) and some good cock over love any day.
I will settle dammit. I will settle for good, consistent dick, that is. Because these
"relationships" are nothing but a headache. Sex cures a headache, by the way. It's scientifically proven! Go'n and click dis here.
Should I ever settle down, I want a husband who is always away on travel. Except for the weekend. Weekends were made not only for Michelob,
but for hours of hardcore frolickin'.
I mean, I could always hold out for a good man, but by that time, I may be old, he more than likely will be ugly, and to be quite frank...a bitch aint got time for that.
And that is all for today.
xoxom0nie
Thursday, December 17, 2009
PSA- Things You Need to Know If You Tryna Fuck With Me
If you ask me what I wanna do, and I tell you something pricey and you're on a Burger King budget that's your problem. You should not have asked what I wanted to do. Just suggest Applebees or some other cheap shit. I fucks with buffalo wings like everyone else *shrug*
And I'm done for now. There might be another installment. Unfortunately, I gotta pay per hour to use internet, so a bitch is limited.
Ciaoxoxo
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Lights, Camera, Action... Blackberry Porn
Blog Muffins! How art thou?
So...when last I wrote, I was contemplating on whether I should become a Blackberry porn star. Well... lights, camera, action, move aside Miss Jackson, dammit, there's a new starlett in town. *Cacklin*
We shot a lil scene Friday evening. I thought I'd be shy, but oddly enough, I'm not.
Maybe I'm just that comfortable with #4? It could have to do with the fact that I know he's not tech savvy and there's no way he could take it from my phone and put it on to his, or worse, upload it to gatdamn Youtube.
*cue in scary movie music*
But yeah, I'm quite comfortable being filmed. It may have to do with the fact that I think I'm cute and know my skills *shrug*
Few things I noticed were:
- I really am that damn good. Not to toot my own horn or anything *beep beep* but my performance was flawless. Like, some of these porn hos could learn a thang or two from the old gal Simone.
- I see why porn stars rock weaves. *sigh*
I was all set, yall! I had my hair all did up, put the front part up in a lil Chrisette Michele type pompadour,
but unfortantely #4 cant control his fuckin hands, and messed my shit up. Had the sides of my hair looking like Lovelace from mafuckin Happy Feet.
Not. cute. at. all.
-That Blackberry video camera light is brighter than African sunshine on an Albino's backside.
Like, I word up wanted to hit pause, throw on some Ray Charles type shades, some mafuckin sunblock and then continue handlin' my bidness.
Wtf? Damn, somebody couldn't warn a bitch?!
- Must find a way to get my nails done, or at least make sure my nails are painted at all times. I knew I had man hands, but gaaahdamn! Not attractive!!
- My eyes really are big. Now, this is a fact I've always been aware of, so for this reason I made sure to keep my eyes down for most of the mini flick. But even when they're closed...they're huge! Maybe next time I'll put some eyeshadow on 'em. Play it up a bit.
- Poor #4... got some nappy ass pubic hairs. Like, they need a cholesterol treatment, a hot oil treatment...or something.
They are in fact so nappy, that i was handling down there the other day and thought he had a bump or something. Of course I started freaking out, and he unraveled the pube like it was nothing. *blank muthafuckin stare*
I mean damn, they always felt nappy, but seeing them higlighted by Blackberry's lovely flash... makes them appear even worse. I can't...
So with that said, this lil broadcast needs a do-over. I shall try again this evening. Or something. I mean, I got free time on my hands and shit. *shrug* :D
In other events, I'm still here chillin. Me and #4 still fighting like cats and dogs. He ride my fuckin nerves I tell you. I like him best at night when he thinks I'm asleep. for one, he aint talking shit, and two, he hugs me and kisses my forehead and whispers sweet stuff. But when we're both up and alert... heaven help me talk to strangers!! I can't take him. He still makes me laugh, and he's still adorable though. What can I say? I'm a sucker.
That's all for now, folks.
Later gators!!
monie00x0x
So...when last I wrote, I was contemplating on whether I should become a Blackberry porn star. Well... lights, camera, action, move aside Miss Jackson, dammit, there's a new starlett in town. *Cacklin*
We shot a lil scene Friday evening. I thought I'd be shy, but oddly enough, I'm not.
Maybe I'm just that comfortable with #4? It could have to do with the fact that I know he's not tech savvy and there's no way he could take it from my phone and put it on to his, or worse, upload it to gatdamn Youtube.
*cue in scary movie music*
But yeah, I'm quite comfortable being filmed. It may have to do with the fact that I think I'm cute and know my skills *shrug*
Few things I noticed were:
- I really am that damn good. Not to toot my own horn or anything *beep beep* but my performance was flawless. Like, some of these porn hos could learn a thang or two from the old gal Simone.
- I see why porn stars rock weaves. *sigh*
I was all set, yall! I had my hair all did up, put the front part up in a lil Chrisette Michele type pompadour,
but unfortantely #4 cant control his fuckin hands, and messed my shit up. Had the sides of my hair looking like Lovelace from mafuckin Happy Feet.
Not. cute. at. all.
-That Blackberry video camera light is brighter than African sunshine on an Albino's backside.
Like, I word up wanted to hit pause, throw on some Ray Charles type shades, some mafuckin sunblock and then continue handlin' my bidness.
Wtf? Damn, somebody couldn't warn a bitch?!
- Must find a way to get my nails done, or at least make sure my nails are painted at all times. I knew I had man hands, but gaaahdamn! Not attractive!!
- My eyes really are big. Now, this is a fact I've always been aware of, so for this reason I made sure to keep my eyes down for most of the mini flick. But even when they're closed...they're huge! Maybe next time I'll put some eyeshadow on 'em. Play it up a bit.
- Poor #4... got some nappy ass pubic hairs. Like, they need a cholesterol treatment, a hot oil treatment...or something.
They are in fact so nappy, that i was handling down there the other day and thought he had a bump or something. Of course I started freaking out, and he unraveled the pube like it was nothing. *blank muthafuckin stare*
I mean damn, they always felt nappy, but seeing them higlighted by Blackberry's lovely flash... makes them appear even worse. I can't...
So with that said, this lil broadcast needs a do-over. I shall try again this evening. Or something. I mean, I got free time on my hands and shit. *shrug* :D
In other events, I'm still here chillin. Me and #4 still fighting like cats and dogs. He ride my fuckin nerves I tell you. I like him best at night when he thinks I'm asleep. for one, he aint talking shit, and two, he hugs me and kisses my forehead and whispers sweet stuff. But when we're both up and alert... heaven help me talk to strangers!! I can't take him. He still makes me laugh, and he's still adorable though. What can I say? I'm a sucker.
That's all for now, folks.
Later gators!!
monie00x0x
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Random Shit & Possible Youtube Shame
Ay dere muffins!!
I swear... my stomach always wants to act up when I'm out and about. I was just at my own spot, and now that I'm in the internet cafe... here comes the doo-doo monster doing the walk it out in my intestines. :(
#4 and i were "frolicking" (my new name for head-acrobatics, lol) and in the midst of me doing my thing he asks me, "Do you ever get tired?" I thanked him for his concern; told him that, yes, I do, but I am determined to be the best at everything I do (damn perfectionism). I then asked him to be quiet, and bust a nut so I can feel like I accomplished something today. *blank damn stare*
After mission got accomplished he tells me that I get better and better every time and then says "I wanna record you on my phone"
Ermmm.... Now, I'm all for freaky shit, I really am (so long as it doesn't involve my asshole or any baby batter in my mouth), but I've always been iffy about being recorded.
What happens if/when I become famous??
(Yeah, I know, its a bit far fetched, but for some reason I see red carpet in my future)
I don't wanna be a victim of youtube!
But dammit, I got caught up and agreed to it...after I did my hair...because it's been looking like hot shit due to the fact I had a lil cold and couldn't wash it.
So I guess if I'm ever shamed via youtube, at least I can say my hair looked nice that and healthy that evening due to this ApHogee protein treatment I'm about to put in it. *cacklin'*
I will also be a wee-bit proud of myself, because I have skills to rival Superhead. *shrug*
Anywho, I'm on an internet limit, so that's all for now. Perhaps tommorow?
Later Gators!
xoxomOnie
(always talking shit)
I swear... my stomach always wants to act up when I'm out and about. I was just at my own spot, and now that I'm in the internet cafe... here comes the doo-doo monster doing the walk it out in my intestines. :(
#4 and i were "frolicking" (my new name for head-acrobatics, lol) and in the midst of me doing my thing he asks me, "Do you ever get tired?" I thanked him for his concern; told him that, yes, I do, but I am determined to be the best at everything I do (damn perfectionism). I then asked him to be quiet, and bust a nut so I can feel like I accomplished something today. *blank damn stare*
After mission got accomplished he tells me that I get better and better every time and then says "I wanna record you on my phone"
Ermmm.... Now, I'm all for freaky shit, I really am (so long as it doesn't involve my asshole or any baby batter in my mouth), but I've always been iffy about being recorded.
What happens if/when I become famous??
(Yeah, I know, its a bit far fetched, but for some reason I see red carpet in my future)
I don't wanna be a victim of youtube!
But dammit, I got caught up and agreed to it...after I did my hair...because it's been looking like hot shit due to the fact I had a lil cold and couldn't wash it.
So I guess if I'm ever shamed via youtube, at least I can say my hair looked nice that and healthy that evening due to this ApHogee protein treatment I'm about to put in it. *cacklin'*
I will also be a wee-bit proud of myself, because I have skills to rival Superhead. *shrug*
Anywho, I'm on an internet limit, so that's all for now. Perhaps tommorow?
Later Gators!
xoxomOnie
(always talking shit)
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