More Groupie Sex Tales- Jim Jones

Dammit, man! Backstagepazz.com -- ya'll are making my summer out this bitch!


Soooo, I made up a new game, ya'll. It's called "What the Fuck". Very similar to my usual red light-green light, but its 2009 so I figure, hey, why not do some new shit.

Today we're talking about the penis of Joseph Guillermo Jones or as we all know him, JIM JONES .

Scuse me as I let out my niggadom ; you know, that hood side that all of us have-- white folks, ya'll ain't exempt!

*Monie pops open a bag of bodega potato chips (UTZ! ) and sets it beside her Tropical Fantasy- Colt 45 cocktail (lmao), and turns up the volume on her bootleg Dipset's Greatest Hits CD. *

Jim Jones, this basket of Chlamydia... ugh. Let's get started shall we?

*In my best Cam'ron voice*

KILLA!!

Jim Jones came to my city on a tour with another rapper. I went to the show with my sister and a couple of our friends. I was a lil intoxicated and ended up losing everybody I was with. On some ol' humbug type shit, I just really asked one of the security guards if I could go backstage....my outfit was pretty hot (lol). I was backstage just walking around and stumbled upon Jimmy and Freaky Zeaky, Jimmy asks me "what I was doing" so me I play the dumb role and was like " I lost my sister", you know the damsel in distress, lol.
He asked me to come and chill with them, I'm like "you sure?" He like "yeah", so I'm in there and next thing you know he pulls out some money and I must admit he was holding that night so I'm like "can I have some?" He like "what you gonna give me?" I'm like "whatever baby" so he cash's me out and we are fucking on a table, he just bent me over the table and hit it from the back for like 5 mins, and then put me on my back with one leg on his shoulder(while his dude is watching).

Everybody all together now: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Money for sex, what we call that, ya'll?

*Dumb mafucka in the crowd shouts out "Ballin!"*

Naw nigga, try again.

That's prostitution.

Who says the world ain't fair?

It is.

Look at that: a dirty ass nigga for a dirty ass bitch. She got bent over a table while his friend (probably Freeky Zeeky handicapped ass) was watching?? Lmao, all I can see is one of them fold-up lunch tables from back in middle school and someone bent over getting pounded out.

Nastiness.

Jimmy Jones, you dead wrong for that shit. And Imma set Handicaps Welfare Association on your ass.


Smh.

Carry on Groupie:

It was alright though....you will not believe this guy put his finger in my ass!!!!!!!! I wasn't feeling that at all but hey its his dime. I must admit he's a sweaty muthafucka and he was talking shit too like " you like this bitch" I must admit I kinda liked it...the talking not the sex cause my butt was sore for a couple days!!!! I thought that he gave me like $600.00 but it was more like five something, tell you the truth though...I would have let him get it for free,lol. If he wasn't sweating so much I think it would have been better. Sweaty Ass!!

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

I say, one mo' gain: WHAT! THE! FUCK?!!?

*Monie pours her Tropical Fantasy-Malt Liquor cocktail on the ground. The rental white carpet in her apartment bursts into flames. Quickly, she sprinkles the Utz chips on the fire in hopes to out it, but the flames rise up higher than Sam Jackson on crack in Jungle Fever... is this the end??*

Nah.

For real though, I have some questions.

1- Somebody please tell me: what was "alright" about this entire situation? You get pounded out over a table for five minutes while someone sticks a finger in your ass for roughly $5-bills? Houston, we have a mafuckin problem. Where is the self love out here?

*Monie sadly watches the self love float off into oblivion*

2- I need these bitches to have higher standards for sex. Imma share some of mine:

I definitely need more than 5 minutes. 35 minutes, one or 2 hours with breaks in between, yeah. 5 minutes, fuck outta here.
You give me 5 minutes, I promise I'll shank you, tell all your friends (and my friends too) and then the rest of your life from there on out is fucked up.

Because I can't get back the Tang once I pour it out the pitcher; you will NOT be playing w/ my shit.

If he's sticking his finger in your asshole and "you ain't feeling that at all" tell him to stop. If someone is doing something to your body that you do not like/ particularly care for, tell that nigga to halt. Or do something that has always worked for me: punch him in the chest. Hard. Yup, punch that mafucka. And tell him to step off as you put on your clothes and walk up out of there/ demand he drives you back home.

3- Jim Jones is out of shape. Badly. He's pouring down excessive amounts of sweat after 5 minutes of fucking? I guess sticking your finger in someone's ass really works up a sweat, huh?

*shrug*


Yeah, no thanks... I'll pass. And if he wasn't sweating so much she thinks it could have been better? BITCH, HOW????

I am too through.

There needs to be a Dipset intervention out here...

and that's all, folks.

Groupie Sex Tale: MAVADO & the Two Hundred Dollar Ho

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Hoodboogas and Seafood, Hennessy and Muffins. Oh, and Church Antics,

This weekend was interesting to say the least. It was the first time I've ever been around so many low-class people. Yup... I said that. And I mean it.

Like I told ya'll during the last post, Sissy Dear and our friend from church went up to Rhode Island for a seafood fest, then to Mohegan Sun afterwards. The trip itself was ok, but the hoodboogas on there were NOT. I wasn't expecting hoodboogas as this trip was put together by one of Sissy Dear's co-workers, but now I question the types of people that she works with. I feel scared for the poor gal. I pray she finds another job posthaste!

And so...

We get there at 8 am, expecting breakfast as these people advertised. Now, something told me to run to the Asian Bodega (lol) across the street for some Pringles because whenever the 'folk tell you you're going to get breakfast on a trip, its usually some kind of fuckery. And I am glad I did.

My intuition (aka God) don't make no mistakes.


First of all, when we got on the bus I didn't see or smell anything that looked like breakfast. All i saw was a big ass dingy white cooler. I'm wondering what the hell is in there. My guess was bagels and cream cheese, but my guess was waaay off.

About twenty minutes into the trip, these mafuckas come talkin' 'bout breakfast is served.

I'm all excited, thinking I'm about to eat a bagel, something I have no business eating.

I can almost taste the cream cheese and feel it latching on to the other million pounds of fat that is my stomach.

Then, BAM! Reality slapped me on both sides of my face and then headbutted me.

Scroll down, lemme show you what they busted out of that dingy ass white cooler for breakfast:

Have you had your break today?? Probably not.

All foods were served in:*



*Monie slams her imaginary door and closes all the blinds*

What in the ziplock continental breakfast???


But what I wanna know is WHEN did it become acceptable to drink Hennessy and eat muffins at 10:09 in the AM? And as we all know, it is NEVER ok to drink cheap ass 5 dollar Andre shitpagne(click that there).

You can't make no damn Mimosa with that off brand shit! Not that these hoodboogas were even making Mimosas. They were sipping the shit straight from their plastic cups and then topping it off with that Hennessy.

Needless to say that by the time we got to the Nordic Lodge, niggerocity was on full blast.

Scuse me one minute... I need to get comfortable for this shit right'chea.

*Monie un-buttons her skinny jeans, props her legs up on her imaginary coffee table, scratches her left titty, then lights a cigarette*

*exhale*

As one of them ugly Pretty Ricky boys would say in that Hotline song--

Pictcha dis:

(lmbao, what in blue hell is going on in this pic? that's another story, for another day)

I digress.


So about 100 of BK & BX's finest Niggeratti (yeah, oxymoronic, I know) come out to eat seafood and show the world their entire ass. There were about 5 normal people on this trip (me and my girls included).

I guess the sugar rush from the muffins and Hennessy finally hit folks, because it was just UN-COUTH! There was one table that was just LOUD as all get out, singing songs from the Color Purple. Folks cracking the crab legs and lobster shell with their TEETH! And the outfits... I can't even go there with ya'll today. I need to buy a digi-cam so I can share these things w/ ya'll. Yes, I know, I'm long overdue, but I'm not really into capturing the moment on film.

Anywho, after all that, we all pile back on the bus for Mohegan Sun. They get to serving more Hennessy and Andre shitpagne, watching movies and all that. I just turned up the volume extra loud on my Zen and prayed that my eardrums didn't bust out after the trip.

We get to Mohegan Sun, and it was alright. Nothing too exciting for me, probably cause I'm not really into gambling. I had the best time in Brookstone's testing out massagers :D

Also saw Drunken Munchkin's baby brother. Lol, small world, huh?

After we gambled out our little $10 (my sister won $20,lol) we just chilled, walked around, and took pics. Nothing exciting. We got back home to Long Island at about 1:30 am.

*blank stare*

As Forrest Gump says--

..."and that's all I got to say bout that"

Sunday I got up for church, which was quite interesting. My mother yelled at the organ player to shutup right there in the sanctuary. Very embarassing, but someone needed to tell his ass to stop. I don't remember if I ever wrote about the organ player from church.

Grab your Hennessy (lol);

time for a quick story

Ron's his name. He's "hip hop royalty" (Rakim's) older brother. Has/had a bit of a drug problem. Has about 8 teeth in his mouth, all are caked up with plaque.

(Hold your luch down)

Stays soliciting money from around the neighborhood. Our church pays him to play on Sundays. He doesn't know the words to ANY songs, and puts the following lines in everything he sings:

'mazin' grace, how sweet da sound! once was lost but nowww i'm found
*smacks away microphone with his mouth*

For two months straight during offering collection he put his own spin on that song that was the theme from Amen:

Turn on da light from heaven lawwd
Shinnnnnnne on meeeee
Turn on the light from heaven lawwd
Shine on me! Shine. it. on. me.
Talkin' bout da roaddddd, from heaven lawd
(repeat)

Every Sunday I swore I was gonna die from laughter, cracking up hiding behind the pew in front of me.

Clawdhammercy; they better not ask me to do his eulogy!

Needless to say, he's quite EXTRA, and an aggravation. I guess my mama couldn't take it no more ya'll. She's gangsta. Lol.

And that was this weekend's excitement. I should have more for ya'll this week.

Later Bubbies!!
♥ Monie

Recappin' & Recoverin' from D'Piglett (D'Swine Flu's Baby Cousin).. sex and girdles and whatnot

So I came in from the JA last Tuesday sick as a dog, ya'll. I started feeling sick after that Thursday night in Jungle , but it wasn't so bad until Monday morning. I blame #4. Afterall, he was complaining of a sore throat, kissing me all up in my mouth. And I let him.

Hee haw, hee haw - Simone is a donkey. I know.

In other events--- #4 is thisclose from being kicked out the door. Lemme tell ya'll what he done did.

So, the last evening I was there I took my sister and him out to dinner since it was her birthday. After we finished eating, my other sister came up there w/her homeboy. Let's call the homeboy Sprite.

Because he's a thirsty ass mafucka. And I do not like the Sprite in him. :(
(Details to come later)

Anywho...so everything is cool, I walk off to the side to chitchat w/my crazy ass sisters, and Sprite stays at the table w/ #4. Both of them are on their phones, so I aint paying it no mind.

Eventually the waitress comes w/ the check, and I'm short the cash and they don't take debit card. So I asked #4 if he had the money , $740 Jamaican; which is probably about $5 US. He tells me he didn't have it, and what irked the shit out of me is that I knew he did because he was paying for the taxi to take us back to the hotel and to take him home. It wasn't even that serious, cause I would've given it back to his cheap ass. So Sprite takes out $1000 and gives it to me. Needless to say I was EMBARASSED. So everyone leaves and #4's cheap ass and I stay there since it was on the beach. I would've left his black ass there too, but the craving for dick was too strong.

I know, I'm a bitch in heat. Sue me.

Anywho, we gets it poppin' on the beach. This I did not plan for. Let me tell ya'll what I had on and you will understand why:

• A fitted tshirt


• some jeans


• my vintage Valentines Day Uptowns


• and under this lowkey get up, my Flexees girdle.
  

We'll call this segment of the blog:
Monie Gets Caught Out There Again- Reasons to Add More Situps to the Workout- A Short Story

My tummy is not flat.

*lone tear roll down Monie's left cheek*

It is the hardest place for me to lose weight, probably due to Cortisol and me being a stressbandit. In the meantime as I'm on this weight loss journey to go from a size 10 to a slender size 6 I opt to wear weight control "intimate apparel".

I'm talking girdles, ya'll. And Spanx too!

I have an assortment of these intimate apparel, and I hold them dear to my heart. My favorites are the Flexees because they reach all the way up to your bra strap so there's no backfat hanging out. I love my Spanx second best. I like to call myself a master of the girdle. I even know how to pee without taking 'em off! However, I haven't mastered fucking with them on. And here lies the problem.

Now, the Flexees girdle looks something like this, without the leg part.


Sometimes I even put something like this over the girdle or my spanx:

Why?
Because I'm a sucker for looking neat in my clothes. I don't like seeing bulges and rolls here and there. It's not cute. Yup. I said it.

"Pop off!!"
(Lls-- gotta love that Tanisha)

Anywhosit...usually if spontaneous trolloping should ensue, I'm somewhere with a bathroom so I can slip in there, take off Fantasia and Alexandria (my girdles) in private; give Pocahontas a bit of a wash, and get my P-poppin on. There's nothing sexy about undressing and taking off a girdle in front of a man. Plus men are sensitive and can't really handle that. They will have all kinds of questions, and you know I'm not in for the talking when it's time to get it crackin'. So for the sake of everyone involved, I de-girdalize in private.

Now while we were on the beach I was able to finagle the sitchy-ashun by standing behind the chair we bought out to the water. I just pulled my jeans and girdle down with one firm grip. That part wasn't so bad. The hard part came in trying to make sure I didn't put it on backwards. Luckily this did not happen.

Usually I have some kind of how-to for ya'll regarding donkey situations like this, but I haven't come up with a skill set to finesse taking off a girdle in front of a man. If any of ya'll know how, please share.

The End.

So anyway.... let's fastforward to the ride to the airport.

My sister and Sprite came to take Sissy Dear and myself back to the airport, and on the way to the airport Sprite starts telling us all how while he was on his phone #4 was on his phone talking to some chick, calling her "baby" and when the girl asked where he was, he said he was at work. I
*gasface*
I'm not even really pissed off at the fact that #4 is talking to other chicks; this is something I would have to be a dumb ass not to know, but for him to do it infront of other people.
More embarassment on top of the cheap stunt he pulled.
Needless to say, I wasn't feeling this situation. I was so sick from D'Piglett after flying and all that, that when he called me I didn't have the energy to ask him about it so I told him to make sure he called me the next day so I could ask him something.

He calls me the next day and I asked him about it ever so casually, like I didnt have a care in the world. He gets quite vexed saying how the girl he was on the phone with was one of his co-workers, and everyone calls everyone babes in JA, and that he never told the girl he was at work and it sounds like my sister and Sprite just want me to be with someone else, possibly Sprite.

I didn't even push it, but he starts acting funny style to me like I did something to him.

*enter my imaginary drag queen Trannyque; she got somethin' to say about this*

No, no, no bitch, that is not the way it goes. Monie ain't in for all that!

*snap, snap, neck roll and exit Trannyque*

So yeah. for the rest of the week he was being quite short with me. One time he even came out his face and told me he didn't really have anything to say to me and that I should go to sleep or do homework because he's about to go do some "man stuff". I was so in shock that I couldn't cuss him out properly.

So I read his trifling ass via text; something along the lines of I'm not feeling his fucking attitude and that I am not the one to chase after no nigga, so if he doesn't want to be bothered, cool. He called me that night and I didn't answer. I had my sister call him back, pretending she didn't know his number and to tell him that I was out at the club, which he hates. Now he's all apologies and niceness. Whatever. He can go blow in the wind. We live too far from each other for him to be a thorn in my side. I need this nigga to understand he is vacation dick. ugh.

And I don't even know who/what to believe because Sprite been calling my phone trying to holla at me AND CALLING MY SISTER TRYING TO HOLLA AT HER as well! And I found out that nigga is married. Needless to say, I throw him to voicemail.


Homewrecker, I am not.

Homewrecker is she though...

Hehehe, I know.. I'm a bitch.

So that's what it is for now. I'm gonna be really scarce for weeks to come. Coursework is a beast!

xoxoxmonie!

Pigeon Juice: The Shit You Just DON'T Drank!

For Bella (the source of my inspiration this evening) and Pop Pop (who always hips me to the illest dranks)

So let's get down to the getting downs:

So Monie.. .what is pigeon juice, you ask?

Let's have a definition, shall we?

Pigeon Juice (noun): chickenhead libations; oft times consumed in the clubhouse as a choice drink courtesy of male tricks. Similar to hood nigga pot likkah-- see definition
(well, not really. i'll give it to you another day,lol)

So...

A few weeks ago, my sissy and I were chit chatting--reminiscing about a friend of hers who was offered drinks for herself and the two of us in the club.

This trollop oredered nasty ass Hypnotiq. I remember being very upset about it, and trying to pawn it off to a stranger. Of course no one wanted it, so I just put it on a chair and kept it pushing.

*Get out your walking stick, Monie's bout to do a Kirk Franklin-esque stomp all up on somebody's corn toes*

Hypnotiq is really not what's up in the new year. It was alright when it first hit the market, but since then all the hood allstars have picked up on it, thus decreasing its value. For some reason when I'm doing clubhouse examinations, I always see the chickenheads gulping it down or Shawnquavious and his homeboys holding up the bottle in VIP, courtesy of the child support money he "forgot" to pay. (Gigantic F.U. to all the deadbeat dads-- you'll never prosper!)

So uh, yeah, like I was saying, Hypnotiq is a no-no.

Nuvo

what in the piss water sublime???!!!

oooh!!! this joint is atrocious. I decided to try it some time last year since my friend-in-my-head Wendy Williams kept hyping it up.

Fuckingggg. Nasteee.

I'm glad I only bought the small bottle. Never one to waste anything, I emptied that bitch out and put nail polish remover in it.

Now I have a cute little nail polish remover bottle. Nuvo is also uncouth-- as Pop Pop points out, it has a twist cap

Very remiscent of Olde E.

This is not classy at all. I know T. Pain got you all fooled, endorsing the hot shit out of it in the Blame it on the Alcohol video.

But look at him:

Ask yourself a question:

Would you really wanna drink something that he drinks??

Snap ya fingas/ do ya step/ you can do it all by yo selffff

sha na na na na e.coli. ...Let me press forward..

Alize

Somebody ought to elbow- buss you in your mouth piece if you're still drinking Alize. Alize is the ultimate pigeon drank!!

**Make note of how you've seen every color that Alize comes in, in some chickenhead's weave. **

Conspiracy theory!!

If this is still your practice, cease and desist, dammit!!
Plus its outdated. Besides... your mom probably drank it back in her day along with that Asti Spumanti and Bartles & Jaymes. Let's upgrade, folks.

Canei

...and if you're still drinking this shitastrophe, someone ought to grab it from you, and smash you in the head.

This is murder 1 in a bottle.

A twist cap bottle.

Canei is so low-class that they give it to you to drink STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE at the club!!

The pigeons used to be hoo-hoo-ing at this one too. I haven't seen anyone drink this since 2002, thank God, but I'm sure someone's still guzzlin' it.

So Monie, what should we be drinking in the 2009?

Hell if I know, lol :)

However I can hip you to the shit that I drink. I am a biased drinker. Make note of how I mainly drink tequila.

Don Julio Blanco

This is my absolute shit. It's better than Patron, and tad less expensive, even though the quality is better. It's skrong, yet smooth. All you need is a little.

Usually after 2 sips my coochie is bumpin like the Kanye baseline from Love Lockdown.

Dumdumdum-dum

Dumdumdum-dum

...til we lose controllll system overload screamin no no
non-nooooo

(Look how Kanye's sitting down in that corner, looking all drunk-like. Probably had that Don!)

*Note- If you're trying to remain celibate like me, do not drink it in the company of men.

Your clothes. will. fall. off.

Other than that, I drink the various Patrons (reposado, anejo) ; but nothing tops the Don. And! You can mix it with damn near anything. One time I mixed it with orange juice... ooh! slap me now, slap me later! Delicioso!!

Now, if the clubhouse doesn't have my shit in stock (which they usually don't); I'll opt for the voddy (Grey Goose). If the men inside are too ugly to look at, I'll run for the Hennessy. If Hennessy is not in the building

(yeah, I know, how does that happen, but it has) , I'll fuck with Remy.

I never drink rail liquor. DC has taught me it is death for free.

I'd rather transfer the $7 in my savings account to the $8 in my checking to buy top shelf.

Because the bad shit is bound to give you bad experiences:

Dranks I will never fuck with again:

Absolut - no lie, one time I was drunk on Absolute, and did the ultimate crackhead shit. picture it:

5:something in the AM i got out of the bed and had this incredible urge to dance. So I dropped it down low, and brought it back.
And got right back in the bed. After that; never no mo'.

E&J- Gentle Jesus meek and mild, look upon a little child!!! Never again. Absolutely terrible!! (E&J actually should have made it to the pigeon juice list)

Andre Champagne - $5 champagne can never be a good look. Not never.

Jose Cuervo- bottled shit water. I won't touch it. I will not touch it.

anything by Seagrams- Seagrams will make you not want to drink for years. We used to use it for drinking games back in one of my undergrads (yup.. I went to 3 of 'em..shutup) and you wake up feeling like you need an exorcism. It's bad business.

Svedka- nasty. quite. nasty.

Friis- harsh. Do not drink this unless you're in Miami during memorial day weekend. You will be fugggged uppppp for days on end. The good thing about Friis is you don't wake up with a hang.

Gosh... I could be here all night,but I'm tired.

Later muffins!

monie*

Wack and Dry- A Poem

Wack & Dry

(I'm word up gonna publish this soon)

I can't tell no lies

Yo dick game was Wack and Dry

And its so sad too

You thought you was doing the most

Puffin out yo chest, tryna boast

Your dick game-- lame

I don't think I ever came

You got that fisher price dick

Playing around with the p--y

You make me sick!

Matter fact-- I'm mad at myself

I shoulda told you before

Now when I hear you braggin on ya dick

It annoys me to the core

Shut the fuck up, stop it

Boo, nigga, bye

Got me questioning my own self, like damn bitch, why??

Sweating out my good perm for no damn reason

The courts should charge you, that shit is like treason

You irk me so

I just had to exhale

Feel free to ask if I'm talking about you

Via email

Send all inquiries to champagnecouturerockstarsexy@gmail.com with "Was I Wack and Dry?" in the subject line. I will try to answer as promptly as I can. I feel soo much better now. *Cheesy face*

You Don't Belong In the Club House/ The Warm Pussy Hypothesis

Ya'll like that title, huh? Hot mess. Burning, stankin' scorching fiery flaming HOT MESS.


So, the girls and I hit Guesthouse.

Same ole shit. Voddy and Cran, dance, dance, dance. Seen a few niggas from high school looking wack and dry. You know, the usual.

But after leaving the club.. even while inside the club... I started questioning the shit (no pun intended) that was attacking my senses; particularly smell and sight.

Like- - -

Son, who shat in your mouth?!!!

Two dudes came all up in my face; breath smelling like Dragon Breath Bilal and shit (ya'll remember House Party), abscess-mouth stankin' mafuckas. Ill.

It's not right, man.

Don't people brush their teeth before they hit the club?

Dental hygeine is so sexy. Get up on it.

Instead of all that irrelevant ass bullshit they try to sell in the club bathroom like gel and combs, they should start peddling toothbrushes and toothpaste.

And carry some gum/mints with you to the club, dammit. Pop them after each drink, because as we all know, sometimes alcohol can make your breath rather tart.

Personally I like the BreathSavers 3- hour mints. They're quite magical. Maybe their magical to me because I brush my fuckin teeth unlike those nasty niggas up at Guesthouse.

I'm not even gonna get into the females. Naw, I lie. I shall.

A lot of them was up in there doint it alll wrong.

Size 18 Backyardigan in orange spandex mini dress, no Spanx or girdle underneath, with the rolls smiling at the masses. Seriously, they were grinning. When you have belly rolls, (assuming you have 2 like she did) it resembles a tight lipped grin.

That night... them joints were grinning like a chesire cat.

I can't... I just can't...

big bitches aint wearing their girdles, and it aint right. A lot of gals call them "punishment" , but you should be punishing yourself. It was you (and I) who did not push back from the dinner table. So now we do what we gotta do to be cute. Well,I can't speak for all, but I do. I love my Spanx. They were worth all $74 dollars to me, dammit!

Cheap Boots-- what in the BOGO Payless?

In my opinion there is nothing worse than a cheap boot. They can be spotted a mile away. Even heterosexual men know what a cheap boot looks like. And they are looking. Men like sexy shoes, don't be fooled. You may not wanna take that advice from me, because as we all know I aint got no man, and I swear dudes hate me...but this much I know is true.

"Your pussy look like its mad warm, yo!"

So after Guesthouse, we head to the parking garage to get ole Lexy (K's Lexus truck) and head back home... where we run into some of the most obnoxious dudes that I have ever interacted with.

Where were they from?

Harlem USA, of course!

What did one of them say to K?

"Your pussy look like its mad warm, yo!"

then his friend chimes in:

"Yo, she got them Ciara legs. Do that Promise dance ma!"

I had to walk away.

How does someone look like they have a warm pussy?

I wanna know which reptile he's fucking, because I assume he's experienced cold pussy from his statement.

I'm gonna construct a Warm Pussy Hypothesis

look at how Grad school comes in handy!

( my Research teacher would be so pleased!)

Aight, here we go:

Research Statement: K is a mammal, thus she has a warm pussy.

Independent Variable: warm pussy
Dependent Variable: mammal
Population: K

Hypothesis: All female mammals have warm pussy (in light of the fact their body temp is 98.6 F)

Alt. Hypothesis: Being a mammal means you have a cold pussy

Null Hypothesis: Being a mammal has no effect on whether or not K's pussy is warm.


*raises hands to the sky*

Lord, deliver them. They know not what they say and do!


I have to move back to DC posthaste. Cause this shit right here... this shit right here nigga...nigga... UNCOUTH.

Gnight ya'll.

Cheap Ass,Date Night?, Old Homo Sighting, and Monie's Jukebox-- RANDOM shit

Cheap Ass Loses... Again

--in trying to make me feel like I lost out on him. i'm laughing so hard as i'm typing, jeez.

So, today I get 2 facebook msgs on my wall AND a poke from my ex...let's call him Cheap Ass.
I always do.

So Cheap ass writes on my wall..twice:

Did you see my video on my page?

Did you see my video on my page?

I use facebook mobile most of the time, so I can't check videos, but more importantly, I don't go on his page. So I write back on his wall:

What video. I'm on facebook mobile so i can't see. As long as I'm not in the video, we good.

So, out of sheer boredom I went on there and checked it just now.

LMMFAOLMMFAO FOREVER. Dude, how much do i LOVE youtube. I found the video!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oo0rq2ZyF0

His friend made a music video and he's the love interest in it. He's all caressing and kissing on this chick who is singing. hot tranny mess. I couldn't stop laughing. Cheap Ass is delusional-- swears I still want him. Why, I don't know. I haven't wanted him since 2005. I haven't spoken to him since 2007. 2009 and ain't a damn thing changed! i'm not into repeating dudes, especially if they ain't fine. and as you can see.. HE AIN'T. I won't be too hard on myself. My swag/self esteem was not up to par at all back then.

I had to put him on ice because whenever I did entertain his conversations, they were all about his new girlfriend who so ironically had the same name as me, how pretty she was, how he was taking her on vacation..bla bla bla. I could tell he always wanted me to be jealous and to care, but I never did. I still don't. Still hee-hee-ing.

Date Night?
There's a question after that , because I know me. I'm a fickle bitch, and more than likely I'm gonna change my mind for a few reasons. Keep reading. So, this dude I've known for a few years wants to go out this weekend. He's cool or whatever, but he's like one of those fat camp kids. He used to be mad fat back in the day, and now that his body is looking right, he can't stop talking about it. It is very irritating and sometimes when I talk to him on instant msgr. i wanna just say Remember when you were a fatass? But that wouldn't work; because he could easily say I remember when you were a fatass too.
Life is unfair like that sometimes.
Thank God for elliptical machines, pilates, and Alli. I vow to never be a fatass again. Amen.

Now the reasons I probably won't go is because, he doesn't have a car, and neither do i. he's gonna get on the train from far rockaway to come here, which is a hell of a train ride, especially in this cold. i'd meet him half way...naw, i wouldn't. let me not get to lying up in here. The other reason I probably won't wanna go is because we'll have to take a cab to go hang out somewhere. And I don't want to. I dunno. I told him to meet me at Guesthouse on Sunday night, cause I might go again, plus it'll be less of a commute. We shall see...we shall see me park my ass in my bed Saturday night, or head somewhere I shouldn't with my partner in crime, K! ;x Naw, I'm gonna just chill with him if he makes effort to come out here.

Old Homo Spotted

The Target by my house is always chock full of surprises. I didn't think that it could get any worse than the time I saw two cacophonous little white boys belting out Flo'Rida's 'Shawty Got Low' in the electronics section... but yesterday it did.

Ain't nothing worse than an old homo who swear he's doing it. Don't get it twisted; Monie loves the kids. Probably watches more Logo channel than anyone else, but this sighting was so sad that I stopped in the middle of an aisle and texted my gay boyfriend.

Picture it.

This coat, but waist length with a tail going around the collar:

These boots

With this hat

Clawdhammercysaveme!! And he was just as loud as he wanted to be. Smdh. I wanted to call PETA on him.

Monie's Jukebox - on repeat

Blame It On the Alcohol- Jamie Foxx feat. T.Pain

Where in the hell was this song in 2006 and 2007 when my partying/drinking days were at its pinnacle? When I needed reasoning for most of the lascivious antics I was going on with? Do you know how much shit I did those two years that could have blamed on the alcohol?? This would have been my theme! I love this song!!

Say You Will- Kanye West

Kanye told Vibe mag:

I don't believe in therapy. I believe you gotta walk it out, you gotta live it out...And sometimes you have to cry it out...I don't believe in medication or painkillers. And I don't believe in religion and giving it all up to Jesus.

Hallejlujah, pass the Paxil! LOL

I can tell, Kanye. Because this song sounds very Washington Adventist-like(padded walls). Kanye, baby, please, don't ever let it come to this again. This is bad. Always take it to Jesus, and keep in mind...a little Paxil never hurt anyone. Because this shit right here...

When i grab your neck, I touch your soul/Take off your cool, and lose control/Hey hey hey hey...

Whaat?! Shutupp! Very eerie. I think I like it because it has a little Marvin Gaye vibe to it. Save that heart monitor beeping in the background. Now what does that say about me? ; x Heyy, heyy, heyy, heyyy, dont say you will... shananana e. coli. mmph!

Anne- Santogold

This is my absolute shit. It sounds like a Prince song... one off of the Purple Rain album, but I can't place it. I'm getting old, my memory only works on Sundays and Wednesdays. Anyway, only Santogold could be howling on a track and make it hot. I like this whole album as well.

Aight, the bed awaits. And the titties need their freedom.