Fuck Off!! Random Hate Mail

*Monie lifts her hands to the sky, and mouths to God “Why?”*

*God shrugs and mouths back “Why not? I love you, now go make your misery someone else’s laughter*

*Mo nods*
And so...

Dear Dr. D___,

I know you see vagina all day, so it aint nothing new to you. However, I’m kinda private about mine. Was it really necessary for your student assistant to be in there while you were doing my Pap smear? I’ve never had an audience before, and to be quite frank, I didn’t like that shit. I do appreciate your thoroughness though. When you asked if any of my other doctors ever told me I had “bulging eyes”, demanded that I swallow , and went on to say that you were going to test my thyroid for Graves disease I didn’t know how to take it.** Something tells me you doing me wrong like this because I have HIP Medicaid. Second class citizen, I am not. Neither is my vagina.

I still feel some kind of way. Next time, lets handle the shit one-on-one. And if you could give me the birth control I requested, that'd be kinda nice too. Thanks Dr. D___, for making my week. :(

Dear BET,

Ya’ll need to do better. Like, really need to do better. This “Played by Fame” business, that “Welcome to Dreamland” shitastrophe-- pure fuckery. Why couldn’t ya’ll pick up The Game from CW? Or give Uncle Jeff a show; one that displays that Black folks have sense? I don't appreciate seeing this type of coonery on what is supposed to be "Black Entertainment Television". When you create shitty shows like this, it sets us back . My calculations say 25 years per shitty show. Let's add it up:

Played by Fame: 25
Hell Date: 25
Welcome to Dreamland: 25
Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is (as much as I hate to say it): 100 years [50 for Neffe, 50 for Frankie]
That's 175 years. Do you know what that means?

The touch, the feel of cotton is more than the fabric of our lives.
Think about it. Again. Do better.

( Thank God for Harlem Heights. It's the one program that doesn't scream "Sambo")
Ps- stop running Menace II Society, State Property II, ATL, and Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I done had it up to here.

Dear Forever 21,

You cuntywhores, you!! I hate your exchange policy. Your accessories and bags ain’t shit. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your handbag fall off your arm in the streets…when it was the first time you’ve ever even rocked it? Then you tell me you can’t refund me because “it’s against store policy??” Go suck your mother!! When I bought the piece-of-shit bag I was under the impression that it would add a bit of joy to my life and oomph to my wardrobe, but I was wrong. I rebuke you, Forever 21.

Dear Dan @ Associates Visa,
I hope you wake up tomorrow with morning wood and piss in your own face. Why would you give me a shitty ass deal, offering to lower my interest rate, and “forget” to disclose that if I accepted I’d be incurring late fees and over the limit fees? Why, Dan? That’s fucked up. I’ll be calling back again tomorrow w/ my “lawyers” on the line. And a refund to my bank account is so in order. Go suck your grandmother through a straw, Dan.

Dear Jerimih,

Or whatever your damn name is. Your song sucks. I wouldn't even wipe my behind with these lyrics if they were set on toilet paper!
Allow me to quote your simple ass:

“It’s your birthday and I know you want to ride out Even if its only to my house”
…oh wait, even better:
“I might just sweep you off your feet And make you wanna tell somebody (body, how I do) somebody body how i do

Pause- I’d be ashamed to tell anyone. I'd have to take Miss Ciely's Paw-Not-Paw's advice:
"You be't not tell nobody but God!
Carry on...

Or maybe we can float on top my water bed

(Pause again- people still have waterbeds? Smh…mmnh, carry on, Jeremih)

you close your eyes as I pry between your legs
We work our way from kitchen stoves, and tables
Girl you know I'm more than able to please, yeah
Say you wanted flowers on the bed (on the bed)
But you got me and now it's on again

* Mo runs over to her imaginary window, pulls the blinds off, and throws them on the ground out of disgust *

Cease, Jermih, you simple simon ass mafucka, cease!!!!

Bitch ass nigga: PUH-LEASE! You deserve an open-handed slap to your mouth; one so great you’ll never sing another set of lyrics like this again. This song is a disgrace to R&B.

James Brown's curl activator is probably drying up in his grave because of you.

Retire, ho. Right now.

Gosh! I feel so much better.

Now I’m about to head on to my slumber. I can rest well now that I’ve gotten all this off my chest.

BESOSBABIES!!

Cheap Ass,Date Night?, Old Homo Sighting, and Monie's Jukebox-- RANDOM shit

Cheap Ass Loses... Again

--in trying to make me feel like I lost out on him. i'm laughing so hard as i'm typing, jeez.

So, today I get 2 facebook msgs on my wall AND a poke from my ex...let's call him Cheap Ass.
I always do.

So Cheap ass writes on my wall..twice:

Did you see my video on my page?

Did you see my video on my page?

I use facebook mobile most of the time, so I can't check videos, but more importantly, I don't go on his page. So I write back on his wall:

What video. I'm on facebook mobile so i can't see. As long as I'm not in the video, we good.

So, out of sheer boredom I went on there and checked it just now.

LMMFAOLMMFAO FOREVER. Dude, how much do i LOVE youtube. I found the video!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oo0rq2ZyF0

His friend made a music video and he's the love interest in it. He's all caressing and kissing on this chick who is singing. hot tranny mess. I couldn't stop laughing. Cheap Ass is delusional-- swears I still want him. Why, I don't know. I haven't wanted him since 2005. I haven't spoken to him since 2007. 2009 and ain't a damn thing changed! i'm not into repeating dudes, especially if they ain't fine. and as you can see.. HE AIN'T. I won't be too hard on myself. My swag/self esteem was not up to par at all back then.

I had to put him on ice because whenever I did entertain his conversations, they were all about his new girlfriend who so ironically had the same name as me, how pretty she was, how he was taking her on vacation..bla bla bla. I could tell he always wanted me to be jealous and to care, but I never did. I still don't. Still hee-hee-ing.

Date Night?
There's a question after that , because I know me. I'm a fickle bitch, and more than likely I'm gonna change my mind for a few reasons. Keep reading. So, this dude I've known for a few years wants to go out this weekend. He's cool or whatever, but he's like one of those fat camp kids. He used to be mad fat back in the day, and now that his body is looking right, he can't stop talking about it. It is very irritating and sometimes when I talk to him on instant msgr. i wanna just say Remember when you were a fatass? But that wouldn't work; because he could easily say I remember when you were a fatass too.
Life is unfair like that sometimes.
Thank God for elliptical machines, pilates, and Alli. I vow to never be a fatass again. Amen.

Now the reasons I probably won't go is because, he doesn't have a car, and neither do i. he's gonna get on the train from far rockaway to come here, which is a hell of a train ride, especially in this cold. i'd meet him half way...naw, i wouldn't. let me not get to lying up in here. The other reason I probably won't wanna go is because we'll have to take a cab to go hang out somewhere. And I don't want to. I dunno. I told him to meet me at Guesthouse on Sunday night, cause I might go again, plus it'll be less of a commute. We shall see...we shall see me park my ass in my bed Saturday night, or head somewhere I shouldn't with my partner in crime, K! ;x Naw, I'm gonna just chill with him if he makes effort to come out here.

Old Homo Spotted

The Target by my house is always chock full of surprises. I didn't think that it could get any worse than the time I saw two cacophonous little white boys belting out Flo'Rida's 'Shawty Got Low' in the electronics section... but yesterday it did.

Ain't nothing worse than an old homo who swear he's doing it. Don't get it twisted; Monie loves the kids. Probably watches more Logo channel than anyone else, but this sighting was so sad that I stopped in the middle of an aisle and texted my gay boyfriend.

Picture it.

This coat, but waist length with a tail going around the collar:

These boots

With this hat

Clawdhammercysaveme!! And he was just as loud as he wanted to be. Smdh. I wanted to call PETA on him.

Monie's Jukebox - on repeat

Blame It On the Alcohol- Jamie Foxx feat. T.Pain

Where in the hell was this song in 2006 and 2007 when my partying/drinking days were at its pinnacle? When I needed reasoning for most of the lascivious antics I was going on with? Do you know how much shit I did those two years that could have blamed on the alcohol?? This would have been my theme! I love this song!!

Say You Will- Kanye West

Kanye told Vibe mag:

I don't believe in therapy. I believe you gotta walk it out, you gotta live it out...And sometimes you have to cry it out...I don't believe in medication or painkillers. And I don't believe in religion and giving it all up to Jesus.

Hallejlujah, pass the Paxil! LOL

I can tell, Kanye. Because this song sounds very Washington Adventist-like(padded walls). Kanye, baby, please, don't ever let it come to this again. This is bad. Always take it to Jesus, and keep in mind...a little Paxil never hurt anyone. Because this shit right here...

When i grab your neck, I touch your soul/Take off your cool, and lose control/Hey hey hey hey...

Whaat?! Shutupp! Very eerie. I think I like it because it has a little Marvin Gaye vibe to it. Save that heart monitor beeping in the background. Now what does that say about me? ; x Heyy, heyy, heyy, heyyy, dont say you will... shananana e. coli. mmph!

Anne- Santogold

This is my absolute shit. It sounds like a Prince song... one off of the Purple Rain album, but I can't place it. I'm getting old, my memory only works on Sundays and Wednesdays. Anyway, only Santogold could be howling on a track and make it hot. I like this whole album as well.

Aight, the bed awaits. And the titties need their freedom.