Blog Abandonment & Monie versus Alcohol

I know... I've been superneglectful. The summer semester is coming to an end and I've got work to do. Gotta get these A's and thangs! Plus everybody I knows birthday was last week and this week. It's been a tailspin of Patron, Grey Goose, Hennessy, and Wray & Nephew Brandy.

*in my chrisette michele voice*

and then it comes to me...like an epiphany...

I present to you:

Monie Versus Alcohol- The Untold Story

(this is the argument I ALWAYS have with myself the morning after a night of dranks)

I know some of ya’ll be wondering. It aint no secret. Everyone is privy to the drunken status updates from 2 am and on most weekends. It’s nothing nice, but I wanna share my story.

Cause it’s cleansing and whatnot. :/

This morning after a night of Grey Goose and partying I re-evaluated my life—for the third time in 2 weeks. Much like I always do after I’ve had too much to drank. It usually goes something like this:

-Me laying in bed with face buried in the pillow, feeling the after effects of whatever liquor swirling around in my belly, threatening to attack me with chronic diarrhea

- lots of heavy breathing in hopes to calm my stomach and my nerves

Now here comes my thoughts:
-I’m not drinking anymore. This is it. I need to start partying with a mafuckin O'douls in my hand.

-I’m gonna stop. For real this time. It fucks with my anxiety.

-I’m gonna stop going to the club. Only when I’m on vacations I’ll go.I promise! Oh, and on special occasions.

And then after 2 Advil and a cold shower, I’ve forgotten everything me and myself talked about. And probably hours later, I promise you, my partner in crime K. is texting me telling me that there’s a bbq, club, event, whatever going on that night, and
"we’re going!" and my text reply is almost always “Aowwwww!” depending on the amount of school work I've finished.

Cause I’m a mess. And I love this party and bullshit lifestyle that I lead on weekends. Just being honest.


The adrenaline rush I get from putting on make-up, doing my hair, putting on dresses , high heels, and cutesy costume jewelry is borderline scary. Even now as I’m writing this thinking about it all, my mouth is watering and Beyonce’ yelling “All da singuh lay-dies!” is sounding off in my head. (It’s always either that or “Diva”)

I digress—

so …I always go out with intentions of having no drinks.

The battle between Me and Myself goes something like this:

-I ain’t drinking nothing tonight. Nothing!

By the time we get half way to Manhattan:

-Ok, no more than two drinks, that’s it. Cause you really can’t afford it.

-Stop lying to yourself. Financial Aid got you covered. Why you think they gave you all that money anyway? It's a conspiracy! They know school is stressful and you gonna need a lil something; vacations, liquor, therapy,etc. And it’s cheaper and more fun than a spa day. They won’t play Gucci Mane and Vybz Kartel at the spa, and don’t front. You love that shit

When my fiend ass gets inside the club, it’s a whole ‘nother story. First I scope out the scene, and usually the following thoughts occur:

-Yooo, what the fuck is going on up in here! Is she really wearing her church shoes w/ her club dress? These bitches shoe game is tired.

-What the fuck is he wearing? Dancing hard as a muthafucka.

-Ooh. He’s on the down-low. Definitely a bottom. Definitely.

-My gaydar is the shit!

-Where is that bitch’s girdle??

-I wish I could get away with kicking him and not starting no shit. He dancing mad hard and there’s like, no space.

-What. The. Fuck?

-I can’t... I can’t take this shit sober.

-Go on, have 2 shots of Patron. You deserve it, mama.

*please excuse language and grammar… my thoughts are laced w/a tinge of hoodbooga. Sorry.

Before I know it, 2 becomes a maximum of 5. And don’t let K. be on her bottle poppin’ shit, because 1 G&C (Grey Goose and Cranberry juice) may turn into 8 or so. And then after that, I get to facebookin’ and or texting in between shaking a tail feather, eyeballing the room, and sipping the drinks.

And then you get random shit like the following coming up on my page:

“uh oh”
“fugged”
“#191- big bitches, put on your girdle”
“hoaifhri[oahg iroagrjioaghrioea vgioaej grio WHY??” ( <- - that’s when you know I’m really knackered) …and things of that nature Do I have a problem? Nah, I don’t think so. Nor will I sit up here and justify why I don’t think I have a problem. It’s just that I associate certain things with each other. For example:
Alcohol::Clubhouse




Barbecue::Cigarettes










Drunkenness:: Mc Donald’s


Public Pool:: Urination


White liquids:: Semen

I COULD NOT BRING MYSELF TO PUT UP SUCH NASTINESS!

Jermaine Jackson:: Ampro Gel



Tiny:: Cooler from Pound Puppies





You get my drift?

Hell, that’s just me. Hate it or love it.
*Gives self an imaginary hug*
Do I plan to change? As soon as I see any wrinkles or facial lines (if Olay Regenerist or Botox doesn't help) :D

And besides....MY BIRTHDAY IS NEXT SATURDAY!!! Woohooo! 25 for the third time around!

To all my new followers, THANK YOU! Ya'll make my heart smile. I have to subscribe to you guys, read and play catch up and leave comments.

Be blessed kiddies!

xoxomOnie!

Vacay Trollopfication and Bust It Baby Bags

JA trip is going good so far. Lots of rain so not as much beach time. Still have yet to do my jet skiing though :(

And sooo...

Thursday we hit this club called Jungle, Boyfriend #4 and I. We had much fun, like we usually do when we go anywhere. After the club, we went to the spot.

Ya'll know we got it in. We went back to the same mosquito factory we went to the first time we got it in because this other cutesy spot we wanted to go to had no rooms. :(

Maybe tonight if I'm lucky?
Hehehe

Anywho, we get up in there, and Boyfriend #4 does some shit I absolutely hate.

He turns on the tv.

Ughhhh!!!

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you know you're about to fuck, and a dude either starts with the incessant talking or they turn on the tv. Now Boyfriend #4 knows I hate this, so he calls himself compromising by throwing a sheet over the tv.

Um, no.

Mind you, since not too many channels worked on the bullshit satellite tv, it was set to Chinese news in English.

That shit ain't sexy!!

I really wasn't in the mood for arguing, so I went into the bathroom, undressed and came back to the bed.

We gets to laying it down, kissing and all that, and then something really stupid was uttered by Boyfriend #4 about him wanting to "breed me" and when were we going to have a baby.

Where my imaginary pet donkey at?

*Pet Donkey steps out into the light and brays*

Hee haw, hee haw, nigga, hell naw!

Me: I don't think so.

Him: Why?

Me: I can give you a million reasons. One, I need to get my career in order, my schooling finished, and a whole lot of other shit. And you need to get yourself in order too. PUT ON THAT CONDOM.

I'm glad he took heed and didn't push.

I am also glad to inform you I bought my own Magnums with me, and I am glad I did, because you know why?

*Audience chimes in:*

Why Monie??

Monie pulls out a box of Durex condoms and stomps the dogshit out of the box

Audience gasps in horror

Monie: Because Boyfriend #4 is yet another big dick nigga using Durex condoms.

*Audience boos*

Exactly. We got into a mini-bickering about it, and in the end we were both happy because my 3 Magnums were used, along with his 2 Durex (sue me, I got desperate) and Boyfriend #4 put in some work that made me wanna pull a Beyonce and buy a nigga a shorts set.

If Pochahontas could smile, I think that bitch would be grinning... even right now.

Later down in that morning all we wanted to do was stay in bed, chill, and commence to some more serious fuckin'. We didn't have anymore condoms, so he got up and got us breakfast, some weed for himself, and some condoms, and something that made me like him a little bit more.

He bought me a comb, ya'll.

*swoons*

LOL

Now granted it was a comb I aint seen since my little girl days at Grandma's house back in '91...



But I'm a sucker for thoughtful shit, even if it doesn't necessarily much.

Unfortunately, I got caught out there without my Buss It Baby bag. Let me explain the Buss It Baby Bag to ya'll.

Ladies pull up a chair, and listen keenly:

Sometimes we get caught out there, wanting to have spontaneous sexual relations and we end up at the spot, coming home after day breaks looking like a hot shitastrophic mess, all because we didn't have our Bust It Baby Bag. This used to happen to me all the time when I lived in DC after taking on Iberian Lynx, and coming home looking like I did infact escape from the Jungle. You know what I'm talkin' bout-- having to go home in day old clothes , and having to rock one of his hats that didn't match what I wore, consequently making me look real bamma-like. Took me a while to catch on, but eventually I did.

I digress... so yes... the Bust It Baby bag doesn't have to be big. You can fit the essentials in a small cosmetic purse that can be squeezed into your club bag. If you have a nice sized purse, this works out even better, because you can put together a Bust It Baby Bag Plus and fit a tshirt or wife B in there.

Bust it Baby bag should have:

travel sized toothbrush and tooth paste

1 panty

comb and ponytail holder

Always Wipes

Condoms (he love you cause you got your own)

your MAC finishing powder

plastic shower cap

1 ziplock bag to put the night before's panties inside

Bust It Baby Bag Plus should include all of the above and:

a pair of flats/flip flops (depending on the season)

spandex

t shirt/ wife b

plastic bag for your dirty clothes

and anything else you think you might need that you can squeeze in there. Now you know. If this is ever a topic on Family Fued, you got this, son!


Ps- Bust It Baby Bag Plus is also for the big gals or the gals like myself obsessed w/ having all her fat lay down flat that rock girdles. Speaking of girldles , Sometimes them hos are not a friend. I will blog about this later though.

I digress.

So...the other morning I was kicking myself for not having my Buss It Baby Essentials. I had my wipes and condoms, but no comb, no clean drawls.

I felt quite skeevy after showering and having to put back on my club clothes which were a damn mess. I wore a white top that night and my makeup transferred all on the collar. I had to put back on my 5 inch heels and spandex. Now picture me trying to get back to my hotel at 3 in the afternoon. And yes, the hotel guards mistook me for a prostitute because they couldn't see my ID band under my bracelets. I practically ran to my room for another shower, and to brush my teeth, wash my hair and get clean.

Ugh.

See, how there's always some shit that pops off when I'm tryna be a trollop? I am convinced, I am not supposed to be having sex. I wish I didn't enjoy it so much.

Alright Kiddos, bout to run off to dinner. I'll be back w/ more updates!

xoxomonie!

If I Were a Ho-- Even Just For a Day...

*Monie stares back at her reflection. Today she's rocking her lacefront wig... feelin' all Beyonce like.*

Then she starts to sang:

If I were a ho...even just for a day...I'd roll out of bed in the morning..grab my box of Magnums and goooooo :)

Naw, for real though. If I could smash the following in the span of one day-- if I could manage it-- I would. Cause they fine! And who ain't fine got education to back it up.

Bachelor #1: Idris Elba



I love him. Our one-sided love affair has been going on since The Wire. He's one of those men that when you see him, you automatically bite your lip. He will make you need Carmax up in this bitch, won't he?

Sexy ass.

He makes my p----y jump everytime. Whenever I feel like my p----y has died due to non-usage I look at Idris and P--y says "Not so, young ho!"



I'd smash that.

I'd smash that on a cardboard box in the pouring rain, homeless style.





Bachelor #2: Hill Harper











Wooo, hold me daddy , in the pouring rain! He's fine and he's educated. Two of my favorite traits in a man. Two out of my long list of requisites for coochie giveaway. I'd knock that down so proper I'd have him screaming the Quadratic Equation. He's kinda short though. :( Under normal circumstances (as of 2006) I won't allow men under 6'0 in my vag, but I'd break the rule for him. Indeed.





Bachelor #3: JD Williams (aka Bodie on the Wire)











*singing in my Bobby Brown-I'm-high-on-X-and-coke-AND-weed-voice*

And I know you're gettin' borrrrredddd/ Chillin with himmm/And I know you miss my lovinn/my thuggin/thug lovinnnnn (repeat)





I've always like JD. Since I was in High School watching Oz. My lust is strong, ya dig. I loved him on The Wire as well. He usually plays the thuggish, arrogant, asshole type; which I'm attracted to (we'll talk about that another day). Typecasted like a muthaf/cka, but whatever JD is in.. I'll support it. And I'll try to keep my hands out my pants. LMAO. For real though, J.D. could get. Yes. he. could.





Bachelor #4: David Banner


When I first saw David Banner, I was not impressed. He wasn't all that aesthetically pleasing.
*Here come Pastor Goodfoot, my mental Baptist preacher... *

But, then. I say-- I say, but THEN!! I caught a glimpse of his country corn fed sexy ass on MTV a few months back... *Organist tears it up; Pastor fans self*
Lol...sometimes I just have to take it there. Anywho...

And then I heard he was a few months shy of completing his Masters... splash waterfalls!!

I would LOVE for him to knock it down the most actually. And if he couldn't "put some dick in my world" ; I'd settle for him whispering the words to "Play" on the phone to me. Plus he just has the look. You know the look. Like he would Taebo the shit out of your p---y.

I'mma leave David Banner alone; cause ya girl still has a paper to write...woo chile!

So yeah, that's all for tonight. I was gonna include Tristan Wilds young ass... but that ain't right. I'll wait til he hits 21 :)

Deuces
s.dior :)

random--ego is the new 'dick', suck it or not, and shoutouts

Monie's Jukebox - just one song for today

"Ego"

It's too big, it's too wide /It's too strong, it won't fit /It's too much, it's too tough /He talk like this 'cause he can back it up/ He got a big ego, such a huge ego /I love his big ego, it's too much/ He walk like this 'cause he can back it up -beyonce

LOL. Absolutely love it. Beyonce found a way to talk about Jay-z's penis and her swag. Two things that have absolutely no relation (or does it?).. but hey, it works for me. I'm quite certain the video for this will be black and white, with bey flanked by two hos gyrating up a storm. they should reach out to me to direct this one.

picture it:

same ass black and white concept. jay-z. nekkid. both hands behind his head just-a swangin' the dick.

beyonce in 6inch heels gyrating along with two video hos.

singing.

End.

ya'll like how I compromised my vision with what I know beyonce's vision will be right? :p

Bey, I ain't mad at you. I hope I find me a man with an "ego".


*smug look*


Dicksucking, Throat Cancer-- Maybe Not?


Feel free to suck a dick again. Cause I might. Ok, I lie. I will. I texted P Sunday night and told him about the article. He called me back, kinda pissed off about it. After reading the article, my boy did some mini-research. he looked up other articles by the author and pointed out that she is someone who is an advocate of abstinance, and mainly writes about teenage pregnancy, abortions, and the like. we have come to the conclusion that she is on a self righteous crusade to cockblock. also, extensive research has not been done on this whole dick sucking throat cancer shit. so folks, feel free to continue swallowing dick.

*belch*
:) teehee


thats all for now.
for all the folks coming thru showin me love, I preciates it!


gnight muffins!