Don't Buss Yo Pussy Open for Niggas That Run In the Same Circle-- A Club Story

Hey Muffins!

Hope all is well with everyone out there in Blogland. As things are winding down to my departure date from NY, I've been going out in hopes of having fun.

*rolls eyes*

Can somebody please tell me where the eff is all the fun to be had in this city that is NY?? Very rarely have I gone out and had fun (unless I was shitfaced drunk).

K dragged me out to Quo (formerly Prime, formerly whatever else, cause these mafuckas switch up names so much I can't even keep count) again this week in hopes to find her ex-jump off to make him jealous. We saw him there last week and he dissed her.

*Monie sighs, lights up a cigarette, and puts her feet up on the Ottoman*

Let me just say this. Ladies, if your pop off plays you; just take it in stride and keep it moving. Don't get it in your mind that you are his woman and try making him jealous. He gives not a fuck, and neither should you.

We'll press on this topic later though.

*raised eyebrows*

I digress...

Sooo, for one, last night was damned brisk. And it was raining. I didn't anticipate standing on line since we went with the promoters, but apparently, promoters truly ain't shit anymore because even they can't get anyone in the club. We got there 10-ish (which as most of you know is mad early for NY nightlife) so we were able to beat the $30 club charge. Since when did women have to pay over $20 anywhere??

That recession is still rockin out hard, huh?

So. Me and K are there along with some other Chucky Cheese hos

the promoters brought along with them. Like, no lie. They were 20 and 21. The 20 year old had to pay the bouncer to let her in. Now, ain't nothing wrong with young hos; cause afterall, once upon a time I was a young ho.

However...these dudes are like 25 and up. Why the hell they rocking out with babies, I don't know. And they weren't even cute babies. :(

One of them seriously needed to be swaddled in a fleece blanket and taken back to her crib.

The child had on a pleather jacket that criscrossed so her entire chest was out, some tight black sweater dress and kitten heels. Her hair was a hot atrocity both before the rain and after. This bitch had no umbrella, no hood, not even a plastic shower cap. We stood on that line for about half hour. By the time we got in she was soaked. K felt so bad for her she bought her a shot of Patron to warm her up. Lawd, I pray she don't catch pneumonia.

Now, I call myself not drinking anymore, but I needed to warm up too, so I had 2 shots of Patron. Which did absolutely nothing. Not even a buzz. :(

Anywho, the Romper Room hos go off and do their thing, and we go meet up with the promoters after we leave the bar. These wack ass niggas are all sitting around in the VIP section, on their Blackberries, doing and saying absolutely nothing.

So I whipped out my Blackberry and headed over to that nice, warm place that always makes me feel so...fuzzy inside. Yup:

*rolls eyes*

Mannnnn....when you have to be on Facebook in the clubhouse you know it's bad!

So, I'm on there; K's dancing around on the prowl for ex jumpsy, but spots this other dude she thought was cute.

Now, I will admit I thought he was cute... til she pointed out he had gold toofisis.

*pause for the mafuckin' cause*

Why is a grown ass man (30 years old!) rocking gold toofisis?? Can somebody explain this to me. I've always thought the shits were plain nasty, but come on! After that, I was and still am against him. :(

So when he goes off she gives me the run down on him. He's 30; friends with the promoters (they --along with the ex-jumpsy mind you--all grew up in the same neighborhood, but he recently moved); he's a C.O.


And then she's like how she's "going to have him wrapped around her finger"; how "she's gonna lock him down cause he has benefits"

*Monie pauses, lights another cigarette, and accidentally sets the end of her lacefront wig on fire.She stops. Drops. And rolls.*



I can't... bitch done made me mess up my good wig out'chea!!

I love my girl. Truly. We go all the way back to My Little Pony and Skip It days, but she is damn oblivious when it comes to men.



For one; please don't think you're doing a good thing trying to lock some man down because he has benefits. The only way this benefits you is if he puts a ring on it. Only then are you entitled to half of anything. If you do get pregnant, trust and believe there still ain't much "benefits" when you try to stick child support on that ass. The court ain't all that nice. They too realize you ain't the wife.

You
WON'T
get
half.

(I'm putting that on a tshirt)

So anyway.

Nothing exciting really happened in the club. Around 2 am the Promotion Team finally bought a mafuckin bottle of Goose, and while I don't really care for Goosey anymore, I figured that a lil bit would help me loosen up and not give a fuck that the DJ couldn't play worth a damn. I had a glass straight, and while I felt that woozy-pussy-popping feeling I used to live for when I drank...nothing. I finally just sat my ass down and got on Facebook til the night was over. At 4:30 am. So that means we spent approximately 6 hours in the club. *smdh*

Of course while we're in the car K is going on and on about the new nigga. Let's just name him. We'll call him Goldie Redbone , or "Goldie Red" for short since that describes him to a Tee.

I can already sense this may get messy:

See, K used to mess with J; the boy she was crazy about last January (Go'n and click that there); and J's roomate H (one of the promoters) hangs out with Goldie Red. Now, H used to be over there all the time when K and J were slaying it out, and probably knows K buss her pussy open for J on the first night she met him after the club. Now H., Goldie Redbone, and the rest of the promoters drove in the same car. Anddd as I mentioned before; they all know Ex Popoff.

I wouldn't be surprised if H told Goldie Red about K and J because on the ride home Goldie Red calls up and K and says he wants to see her later on that night. Hmph.

Monday afternoon this crazy girl BBMs me talking about he came by her job, and how he's really sexy (I still beg to differ, but if she like it, i LOVE it) and he has these piercing eyes, and it's going to be so hard to resist him.

*Blank damn stare*

I laid it on her straight and told her she better not hit that til March because niggas talk more than bitches *shrug* and somebody probably told him in that car that you ain't hard to smash out. So she's like, "True. I know. I'm going to wait. I don't know if I can though"
I told her try a new thing, and get new results.

So we shall see.


Don't get me wrong; I ain't judging her. None of this is anything I haven't said to her face. And besides, who am I to even judge; looking at my own track record with niggas. Ha! The good thing is, I've done most of my (not much) dirt abroad so I don't have to worry about this ex running into that one :)


And that's all for right now. I'm about to go wash my own hair with my broke ass, cause I'm flying out to DC this evening. Aowzah!!

Damn, it feels like forever...

Bloggymuffins!! How art thou? Happy New Year (all late and shit).

*Monie settles into her La-z-boy; slips her feet out of her slippers...then slips them back in after she's hit with the scent of corn chips*

hehe :)

I know; it's been forever. I wish I had an excuse this time, but I don't.

*Shrug*

Ever since I came back from Jamaica, I've just been getting things in order. Looks like I will be moving that first week in February to DC. I was going to move back into my old apartment building, but things fell through. Usually when I look for places in DC I never find any that are affordable, but I actually found a few places that were affordable and had utilities included. God is GOOD.


On the boy-front...

It's quite dry. #4 and I are officially through. For real this time. Yes, I know, said it before, but for real. I am too fixed in my ways, and he is too fixed in his. There's a lot of stuff I left out about him in the weeks I was there.

If I ever had to give those 3 and half weeks of my life a title, I'd have to call it "Crying, Fighting, and Chain Smoking"

Lawd!! That boy has a mean streak. I know I'm a little bit sensitive, especially when it comes to people telling me I'm doing something wrong (when I know I'm not), but he's got no tact at all. Even if I am, please don't insult me. If I do something strange or wrong in his eyes, he asks me why I'm doing it, and follows it up with "Are you an idiot?" or "That's stupid."

After these comments come massive arguments between us, and the insults get hurled back and forth.

When I tell him about himself for talking to me like this he tells me that I'm being sensitive and the only reason it's a big deal to me is because my parents spoil me and my mother probably still hugs me because I'm a baby and need to grow up.

*middle finger @ #4*

So what, nigga?? Yes, my mother still hugs me. My parents treat me well and talk to me like I'm a human being. My mother helps me out when I'm in need.

Since when did that become being spoiled? Ain't that what parents do?

I think a lot of his behavior is a result of his mother being dead and never knowing his father so he doesn't really have that sense of love. It seems that he resents me for having it. He was raised by his aunt, and she talks to him like he ain't shit. However, I don't care for his learned behavior in my life any longer.

So I had to cut myself loose. He was mad. Told me I'm demanding and I only want things to be my way. How God has not made the man that I'm looking for yet. Blah, blah, blah.

So I very calmly told him "I am not arguing with you anymore. If that's how you feel, then fine. I have no problem being cool with you. We can talk on the phone from time to time, but you will never have another reason to argue with me again, and will never have one to argue with you." He kinda calmed down after that, and then strangely enough we had one of the best conversations ever. He's really funny and ignites a lot of ideas for me to write about.


It's funny though, because now that we're not "together" he calls and tries to keep in touch more than he ever did. I don't call him, but I will text him to say "hey" when I'm bored.

*Monie crinkles her nose*

Where they do that at?

In other events... I missed my blog anniversary which was December 27.
What is a hobby for me actually turned out to be very therapeutic and has even earned me a chance to be published. Go'n and click that there.

Who'da thunk it?! Certainly not me. 2009 was a good year. I received many blessings. I hope 2010 is even better. :)

Well, that's it for now. Got some writing I need to do.

Kisses and Hugs to you all,

xoxom0nie!

Livin' the Dry Life

Bloggymuffins! How art thou?!

First, I'd like to thank all of you who have been following, both new and old, leaving comments and all of that. I read each and every one, but I'm barely able to respond these days. After I finish a day's work on the computer I can't even bear to look at Blogger or any other site. Ok, I lie. I lay in bed and facebook it up. It's pretty much the only contact I have w/my old friends back in MD and other parts of NY. Good news though. My Blackberry Tour comes today, so I'll be on here more. Yay!

But yeah, it means a lot to me to know that ya'll get a tickle and a tee-hee out of my wierd-ness. Also, I'm going to see if I can archive my entries as someone asked. Thx for all your comments girlie! :)

On the personal side:
DRIER THAN GUCCI MANE'S LIPS ON A COLD, ALASKAN DAY.

Brrrr!

I wish this mafucka would find a cocobutter cure, or something.


Yea.. not much going on over here. Now that K is trying to launch her business into a full service salon, we don't get into too much fuckery these days. Plus, now that I don't drink I find myself questioning the types of live fuckery before my eyes in the clubhouse.

Like-- I went on Sunday with my sister and her friend to this joint in Brooklyn:


*breathing in, i am breathing in...*

Now, I hadn't been to Caribbean City in like, over 5 years. All's I knew was that Bobby Konders & Jabba still played there on a Sunday. Bobby & Jabba usually do their thing so I reasoned with myself that although this was not Manhattan, and many of the mafuckas up in there were bound to be sub par... I'mma go head and go. Just for the sake of my sister; since she hasn't been out much since she had the baby.

We leave out after midnight and I arrive at Caribbean City around 2. The line is short, which is good, as it was colder than a prostitute's titty in the winter time.

The security search is borderline molestation, and something comparable to airport search. Yes. The make you put your purse in a basket; they go through it thoroughly and then hand it back for you to put everything back in order.

So...I'm getting ready to make my way inside when the coat check nigga demands I take off my cute little faux-leather jacket.
Nawwww, nigga, fuck you.

I ain't putting my batwings on display for nobody!

So yeah, I told him I didn't think so, made a motion of hands over my body and told him it was part of my outfit. He backed off and let me go inside...

and inside looked like...like.... Shanquantifon's basement bash.
Wtf. I had heard there were renovations in there, and it looked 10x shittier than it did before.

Disastrous, ya'll hear me??!! And the people in there knew nothing about clothes and matching them for the seasons.

• I saw hos in flip flops
• Hos in sling back sandals
• One bitch had on her Club Socks... you know, the chicks that are like "I have these corns and know I have no damn bid'ness wearing these pumps, so I'mma just take 'em off, hold 'em in my hand, and lounge in my barely there dress and some ankle socks"
• One bitch had on some lumberjack arm warmers and knee high houndstooth socks.

and the #1 sin for the night: big woman, like atleast a size 24 wearing a halter top and skirt, NO BRA, tittyballs just'a hanging down low like whoa. TWO DIFFERENT COLOR(blonde and black) AND DIFFERENT TEXTURE WEAVE... and dudes were putting it on her like she was hotness.

*breathing out, i am breathing out...*

I have sworn off clubs (again). I would love to have like, weekly game nights, but some of the folks I know here in NY-- I wonder if they really even know how to read. I damn near need the Rosetta Stone just to decipher their text messages/fb statuses.

Seriously. I went to school with some real Leap Frog Learn To Read type bitches.


For instance, I saw the following status update from a high school chum:

hey fb, i'm so board the hubby wen t to play basketball and the little one is gone for the hole week my aunt wanted to spend some time wit her but i miss her already smh...


No, no, bitch, I am shaking my head.

Yeah... I'm supposed to play Scrabble and Tabu, etc, with folks like that?? I don't think so. I have a better chance playing a game of Spades with my 2 year old nephew, my cat Dinka and my imaginary baby chicken, Byron. I think not.

What else, what else...

Oh yeah. Sex life is sketchy too.

D/m is actually pretty busy and I understand why now. Like I said, I have been trying my best to have actual conversations with him. He's working on getting a degree in Occupational Therapy, not a Masters in Finance like I thought. So he's got to study like crazy. He started explaining to me what he was actually studying for, but that damn logorrhea problem he has became so overwhelming I just asked to see one of his textbooks.

I was impressed. He basically has to learn a whole bunch of doctor-type stuff without having a background in science, so he's got to work double hard.

So between both of us working on bettering ourselves education-wise... there's not much time for relations the way we like to have relations. The last time I got the business from him, we went in for two rounds and I didn't get in until after 4 am. The next day I received all types of hate texts from him complaining about being tired at work. I figure we were even since I had to get up and perform Dr. Miracle type wonders on my hair to head into Manhattan.

*shrug*


So yeah, as you guys can see...life's good, cause I'm alive..but it is, as my Cali folks would say, "hella" boring.
And that's all... Lator Gators!

Suck a Dick, Swallow a Kidney Stone-- more Groupie tales courtesy of Backstagepazz.com

Hi my Blog Babies! Again, sorry for being so hit and miss with you guys. Coursework-- the life of a grad student; you see how it goes. No time for anything besides homework and the random sexual encounter.
*shrug*
:)

So, today lets talk about the following fuckery:

Jasun Wiggins



Do ya'll know who he is?

*silence*

Yeah... I don't either.

Anywho... apparently, his achievements include wrapping his dick in the American flag and skeeting off kidney stones in the mouths of random hos.



What in the oral disrespect?? I can't..

Read on.

* Mo lights a bidi, and inhales*

Let's play red light-green light, stop n go. After all, we haven't played in a while, we're overdue.

Green

i was in my 20s when i was deep into the online chat---blackplanet (which is how we met), migente, etc thing. i am not here to dog him out but i do agree that if you have been with this guy then to go and get tested.

Red
Don't nothing good come off that Blackplanet now, does it? Shanananana.
After I read about how careless people are with their bodies I wanna get tested...every bumboclaat day. I'm just sayin... continue

GO

he seemed to be impressed that i wasn't some chickenhead from around the way that was completely naive.

Stop
Chile please!

*Monie's imaginary baby chicken, Byron, enters and starts clucking at his long lost relative*

Alright now, Byron, that's enough excitement. Shut it down.

*Byron quiets himself and goes off in search of some seeds*

Carry on..

Go

his people had cooked dinner and i was invited to get a plate. i noticed that jasun was checking me out as my back was turned to him and obviously liked what he saw. we talked some more and as his people stopped coming in as much we had a quicky. i went down on him and quickly learned that he lived up to his page name. if you really don't think that he's big then your stuff must be stretched out like a limo because he is THICK and has a nice size on him and there is no way i would let all that go in my a$$.

Red

One minute, we're on a food line, the next you're getting plowed out, head bowed down. Oh really now? Smh...

Green

we snuck upstairs to someone's messy room and he bent me over real quick to finish what he had started. i heard people close by so we had to make it real quick but it was a good enough for a quicky. i felt like i was in high school lol. i left after that.

Stop

Uh uh. UH UH. Don't you do that. Ladies, don't let no nigga "bend you over real quick". You and your vagine deserve more. Remember that. Also, who can have sex in a messy room? I wouldn't be able to concentrate. You know, the whole Zen factor and all that. I'm just saying..

Go!

the second time i came across him was through an email one of my coworkers sent me. it was his pic where's he wrapped up below with the american flag.

Stop

LMMFAO @ this Dick-in-a-flag ass nigga. I can't...


Go

everyone in the office was trippin' off him and i was like damn i know him. i told my girl in private that i had been with him and she was like "WHAT!!" i knew that he comes here around the holidays so i hit him up on bp again and asked if he remembered me. this time we met at one of those travellodge places. this time i my "aunt flo" was in town so i wasn't there long. i did go down on him again and remember something that felt like a small stone come out when he came. by then i was through with his cocky a$$. i don't know what the hell that was but it scared me and thank God every test afterward came out negative. i do however think he might be down low though. he didn't act sweet or anything. maybe i'm just paranoid because he seems to f*&^ any and EVERYONE. i heard they have a lot of bath houses in atl and he seems like the type. he still looks good but he's starting to look harder instead of finer. i wish i had hooked up with his boy instead of him lolol. those were the days back when i was young and wild!

*Monie gathers Dinka, Byron, and her imaginary pet donkey and hums "Sweet Hour of Prayer"*

I can't...

1. Is she serious? She has the nerve to say she's "paranoid because he seems to f/ck everyone". Bitch please. You were just as quick to f/ck him. Furthermore, this nigga was nasty enough to put his dick in a flag, you saw this hot shit...and you basically sign up to just give him a professional, knowing you can't even get anything in return??


Bam-bam-di-dam-bam-bam-di-da-da-disturbia.
No more gas in the red, can't even get it started!!!!

2. You're swallowing the "babybatter" of someone you don't even know like that???

*vomit in throat*

And you have the nerve to get mad cause he skeeted (what sounds to be) his damn kidney stone in your mouth???


You can read this travesty in its entirety on backstagepazz.com. I can't...

Jamaica--Scandalocity, Trollopcy, Pussy Stop Signs and Sociopaths

Muffins... I am dead ass tired, but after tomorrow, life is back to a halt thanks to school. The syllabi is threatening to cause nervous breakdown, heart disease, kidney failure, cancer, and just straight up... DEATH. So I regret to inform you... my antics will be a bit scarce til after Thanksgiving.
Let's recap, shall we?

*Monie props her legs up on the coffee table, picks her nose, looks at it...shrugs... and flicks it across the living room*

:)p

Let's talk about #4 and his madness.
*sigh*

I don't think I have ever argued with someone this much in my entire life. usually when i get into a cuss-out with a person, i'm in beef mode for like weeks, but #4 has a knack for making me laugh in the midst of what could be intense anger for me. Very much like in that Notorious movie where Big had Faith laughing by singing her some silly song.

And I don't like that shit. Don't rob me of my anger, dammit!

It would take too long to give the full story on all of #4's madness, but here's a un-ordered list of his fuckery

• #4 feels that it's ok to take the very last condom we have (that I brought) and keep it in his pocket.. "just because, no reason." this story will be explained later, as it makes no sense right now. carry on.
• #4 also believes that it is ok to take a girl to a bar "to have a nice evening out".
• #4 lied about his age. It turns out that he is not turning 28, but is in fact 24 going on 25. I saw his birth certificate.

now i interrupt this list to give you the story behind the condom. I shall call it:

I'm Walking Around With This Condom In My Pocket... Just Because- a short story.


So...the second week I was there, I went to visit my sister in Montego Bay for the weekend. Left Saturday, came back Monday. Left #4 with the key to my suite so he could come and go as he pleased. Even though I was on my own trifling bullshit (we'll talk about that later) I see that #4 is in fact up to some bullshit of his own.

That Friday before I left #4 and I had some of our usual mindblowing sex, and that left us with one condom. Jill Scott said it best, "one is the magic number."
Anywho, I made sure I put that one condom where I could see it in the nightstand.

Cause life is always about tests. Pass, Fail bitches.

So you can imagine my disbelief when I came back to the suite and saw NO CONDOM and some weed in the nightstand. I called my cousin and K (who happened to be in Jamaica--she was in Kingston though) screaming and packing up his shit.

Me: So I come back and WHY is the last condom we had missing? What the fuck? I know he doesn't have the nerve to fuck some next bitch w/ the condoms I done bought with my money. And I swear he better not have fucked her in my room.
*packing his clothes and setting them on the chair with two lada (plastic) bags on top for anything he may not be able to fit in the two bags he had. that's me, always being thoughtful :D*
K: that's crazy.... *launches into her own issues w/ her pop-off/boo in NY named Ty* Me: I got to go.
(Precisely why I have a therapist. Anytime I need to talk, people wanna launch into their own shit. Spare me)

So I call my lil cousin and tell her.

Little Cousin: Well you can't really be mad anyway, you had sex w/ someone else.
Me: Yeah, but still. Whatever. Whatever! I'm glad i did it. The shit was good too. Either this nigga produce this condom, which I doubt he will or he get the fuck out.
Little Cousin: We'll see.
So in strolls #4 around 11pm after work that night. I'm so mad I'm smoking cigarettes in my non-smoking room, and can hardly even speak to him.

So he goes on the veranda, smokes his weed, comes back in and says:

Him: So what's the matter now? Me: I'm not quite ready to talk about it.
So he starts guessing.

The second guess he hits it on the head.

Him: You don't see the condom in the drawer? Me: Yeah, where is it? Him: I just took stuff out the draw and put it in my pocket out of habit. Me: Yeah, but why would you take the condom? Who else are you fucking. Him: No one Me: Apparently someone. What made you take it w/ you?
to make a long story short we get to arguing and then he goes into his book bag and pulls out the condom and throws it on the bed.
Him: There it is. Me: So why are you carrying it around with you anyway?? Him: Why does it matter. It's right there. You just like to argue.

And on and on we go for about an hour why he can't just tell me why he took it with him in the first place. Never did get an answer. Don't really care. All I know is he be on his shit, and I be on mine. We agree to disagree.

*shrug*

The End


Aside from this we had several other arguments. Last Saturday he was supposed to take me on a Glass Bottom boat, and it didn't work for whatever reason. So of course I'm disappointed because he's been promising to take me since April. Even though the whole boat thing fell through, one would think that he'd find something else for us to do, but no, instead he's chopping it up w/ his friends. So I tell him I'm going across the street to the beach and he's asking me why I have an attitude. This turns into a disagreement that almost gets out of hand right there on the Negril 7 mile strip with both of us cussing each other out. There were even tears afterwards (shed by me out of anger, cause I wanted to rip his head off).

I think that was probably the last blow out we had, and everything was ok from then on. I don't want to fall for #4 and the up and down dysfunction and madness, but i have a little soft spot for his crazy ass. We agree that we do not understand each other much, but our spirits take to one another.
*rolls eyes*

Now lets talk about Sugar... the other 24 year old that popped off with.

This happened the same weekend of the above condom incident.

*raised eyebrows*

Now before I even got down to Mo Bay, her neighbor/ homeboy was checking for me. Apparently he saw me when I first arrived in Jamaica and stopped by my sister's house and proclaimed "it was love at first sight."

*Monie casts one of her infamous "nigga please" looks*

So, i wasn't even trying to hear his lameness... until I actually met him and saw what he looked like.

*Monie crosses and uncrosses her legs as she rocks back and forth*

Lawdy jeezus lawdy jeezus! The boy was damn...FINE. Ya'll hear me?

• Had the face--caramel complexion, chinky bedroom eyes, GAWGEOUS lips, nice nose, pretty teeth)
  
• Had the body---he must be drinking some extra fortified milk because he was thick to DEATH, but lean at the same time, nice pecs, legs, and an ass to rival Asafa Powell's.
• And he knew it, and thus, had that cockiness about him that I adore in a man. LOL
  

So I met him that Sunday. He came over to help out with cooking for the party. I'm inside the living room eyeing him, and he's eying me from the backyard, but I'm the type of girl who rarely puts herself out there.

I let them come hither.

Not cause I think I'm just the baddest bitch...but because I'm somewhat shy :)

So I go outside to get a paper towel close to where he is...cause I was sweating, plus I wanted to get a closer look. He's all smiling at me, and I smile back and go inside. Still no words exchanged. Next thing I know there's a huge downpour of rain and everyone runs inside the house. My sister brings him into her room to me and tells us to start talking.

So we're there making conversation. He's got me all nervous because he's staring at me and killing me with compliments. I didn't know what to do with myself.
As always, there's some shit to stink things up:

• He has a girlfriend
• He's 24
• He lives with his girlfriend
  

You know... same way it always goes for me. Someone play the violins, please.

Anyway, we start talking about physical attraction and sex, and here he goes telling me that even though he loves his girlfriend and he's happy with her, he would like the chance to be with me because he thinks we'd be good together. And even though he's young, he knows how to please a woman and how to make her comfortable

*crickets*

Boy puh-lease!!

But of course me being me, I'm always curious. So I entertain this madness and start asking questions. Next thing I know, he's lifting me up and bouncing me around like I weigh practically nothing. Now my curiosity is at its peak.

We both decide that we should fuck each other the following day.

So that next day is Monday and I'm going back and forth between should I do it/ should I not.

I reflect on the prior afternoon's Ving Rhames bounce-around and decide that I should.


It was rather good... but recalling it all now... not as good as #4. Additionally, his dick ain't as big as #4's. Overall, I'd give the pipe-game a 7.5. Also, might I add.. he gots to be one of the sweatiest mafuckas i ever smashed. I understand it's JA and the house had no AC but damn!

Word to the wise- several positions are great, however, don't switch things up too quickly.

But of course, as it always goes w/the Monie...this nigga tried to violate.

He tried to stick me without a condom.

Ya'll know I'm not in for that. I had to pull out the Pussy Stop Sign real quick.


Nigga, Halt!!!

See, we started off using the condom, and all was well. Halfway through, he decides he needs a break and takes it off, knowing we only had one. So I ease back from him and I'm chillin, however he's got other ideas in mind.

He was trying to convince me to just go for it, how he gets tested, and he never has sex with anyone but his girl.

Um, how bout no.

Nigga, you here creeping with me, but you don't have sex with anyone else???
You trifling.
So am I... but we talking about his ass right now.

Anywho. So he keeps trying to convince me, then tried to throw raw shaft on your girl. I promptly got up and started putting on clothes. After that he gave up and he went home to go shower.

I have not heard from his since. Nor do I care.

*shrug*

So, yes, that was those were the scandalous parts of my vacay. Aside from all that, I did a great deal of partying and chillin w/ my little cousin. Also getting to understand why it is #4 is the way he is. Not that I should care, but I'm curious about human behavior.

And his leads me to believe he's a socio-path. Go'n and click that there... you might have a sociopath in your cipher too. Those are the signs.

Sociopath and all, I have a little soft spot in my heart for #4-- which is not good. If you read that shit right there you will see that I need to leave him alone posthaste. We'll see how it all plays out. I'm trying to head back to the JA in December for a month. If I stay with him I can save a great deal of money and be okay to move into my DC apartment.

Yes, I know. Stupidity aflame, but hey... we all have our moments :D
I promise to do better...next year. LOL

Later Gators!

xomonie!

Summer's Eve Is For Your Vagina...and Other Realizations

things that this vacay has taught me about myself thus far:

i ain't meant for relationships/roomates. i know i always hem and haw about wanting one... but i'm selfish about certain shit. for one:

- i don't like anyone smoking up my cigarettes, leaving my ciggy case with like 3 ciggs in there.

sure, share the cancer and all that, but dammit, if you're not chipping in, go find your own, per Napoleon Dynamite.


It never fails! Every time I put my cigarette case down, #4 swipes more than half. What the fuck? Have some consideration!

and for two:

-don't use my Summer's Eve thinking its Body Wash. It's not. That shit is strictly for my vagina hole.

Lemme explain. I have a process for washing my vag.
Go'n and click that there. If you wash like this I PROMISE you, you're coochie will never smell off. You could be out all day and it will smell perfect. Unless you got some kinda infection, and in that case, I can't help you there. Planned Parenthood is where you should take your stankin coochie.

Anywho, Summer's Eve usually lasts me like 2 months.

I'm in the shower this morning, done washed the outer part of my coochie, and reach for the Summer's Eve and it feels awfully light. So I'm cracking up laughing and partially pissed because this could only mean #4 been bathing with my Summer's Eve.

Today we went to the Supermarket and I bought some more because I can't live without it. And of course they ain't got the Berry Bliss one for sensitive skin.

To top all this madness off they keep things like this behind a counter with a clerk so I have to ask if they sell Summer's Eve. Wtf????? But I had to buy it cause my vagina's PH would probably go haywire without it.

When we come back to the suite and we're unpacking groceries, I go to the bathroom to get my almost-empty bottle of Summer's Eve Berry wash.
Cause it's obvious I gots to school this nigga.

Clearly the Summer's Eve commercials don't come on in the JA cause he would have known.

*Monie holds up the bottle of Summer's Eve*
Have you been bathing with this?

*#4 looks at me like I'm stupid*
Yeah.

Me: It's for your vagina
*insert hysterical laughter*

#4...he's an adamant mafucka...

#4: No it's not! The one you bought is not the same. It doesn't say that on the bottle.

Me (still laughing): it's the same. this one is for normal skin. but summer's eve is for vagina. use the Avon body wash please. Thanks.

Other shit I realize:

-I hate food shopping with men. They always wanna buy the entire store and cook like they're cooking for 7-10 people and not 2.

- What is the point in being bunned up if dude aint gonna tell you how fly you look whenever you go out?

- Even though I have Jamaican background there's clearly some shit that doesn't transfer over the culture barriers.

Story time!

The other day I get a call in the room and its the chef here asking for #4. So I tell him he's at work. So while I got him on the phone I ask him if he has a trash bag and he says yeah, come for it. When I get there he starts talking about #4 saying that's his friend and whatever.

So somehow we got on the topic of cooking and I was telling him that i was making dinner and he asks if he can taste my hand (can he taste the food). No big deal; I run him up a plate and go get on the internet.

So I mention it to #4 later that night and he got PISSED. Like, I have never seen him this pissed. He's like how anyone could tell me anything and he don't know the guy like that and I know all his friends and how my head is light (basically saying I'm an airhead). So I tell him he's making a big deal of nothing, and go to the bathroom. He comes into the bathroom after me and says:

"I'm checking to make sure you're not in here cutting your wrists. Cause I know you're crazy."

Yup. Pause and light a cigarette.

So I say to him:

"You better get the fuck away from me before I cut you."

Him (mad): What??

Me: You heard me. Why would you even say that shit to me? Where am i supposed to get a knife from anyway

Him: Cut me? I will shoot you.

He starts going off about how too many of his friends have died at the hands of a woman. I'm not surprised. If they were anything like him...mhn

Me: Do it then.

So we get into arguing again and I'm telling him he's basically mad at me for something I did that I didn't even know was wrong. We both go to bed. I wake up; I'm over it, but he's not. He's ignoring me the whole day.

So I wrote him a letter since he refused to talk.

Him: What is this?

Me: A letter.

#4 proceeded to set my letter on fire and throw it in the sink.

Yup... pause and drink some water.

So by now I'm upset to the point of tears cause I'm angry. So he comes to me and says "If you want to talk, talk"

So I'm basically telling him that I thought dude was his people cause he called the room. Why would he give out the room number if it was some random person. He calms down a bit after that and says:

"The guy saw me go to work today. Called to me and everything. So he must have other reasons why he's calling up there"

I'm like , hell how would I know all that. So after we clear that up he tells me he just needs some time and space. Cool, whatever. The next day he comes home from work and he's telling me how much he cares about me this that and the third. Bla bla blaaaah

Whatever.

That happened Tuesday, and things have been cool since. He took me to Margaritaville and a few other clubs since then so we're alright now.

Boy this shit I put up with for the love of nightlife and multiple orgasms...

Other than that... I guess I'm alright. We went out last night and had a good time after his weed fit. He has a serious weed problem. I lost his weed and he was acting like a fucking head case. I asked him if he was going through withdrawal. He got mad and took a shower in the dark.

Probably with Summer's Eve. Lmao

This afternoon we had a ball talking about music and I realized why I liked him in the first place. Cause the past few days I had forgotten.

So yeah...shit like this is why I can't be in a relationship. I know ya'll are like, duh Monie, clearly he aint relationship material. Yup, I totally understand that. But it's just a lesson that you have to accept people for their quirks and strange behaviors along with the good parts.

I can't do it.

I just can't...

later blog babies. i got some subscribin' to do! :)

Conspiracies and shit...

As tired as I am, I feel the need to express myself. Bam, no intro; just read it raw with no vaseline.


Take dat, take dat, bad boys. :/

The following fucked up randoms and conspiricies have crossed my mind lately:

1. The Dream looks like Hamburglar.




2. Flava Flav is Gucci Mane's father. You can't say shit to convince me otherwise.


3. Nuvo aint nothing but Ripple 2009. Lmao @ all ya'll hoodboogas posing drinking it up in the clubhouse.



Designed to destroy all ya'll. Cause I don't drink that shit.

4. An ugly nigga is never worth your time. Or your vagina. You will live to regret it.

5. Neither is one who doesn't take trips to the dentist. You know the type. Teeth look like Reptar from Rugrats.

If he can't take care of his teeth, he can't take care of you.

6. Mario better have some health-related reason as to why he's running around with his head looking like that.


7. Univ. of MD was created to wreck my social life and leave me lonely. Fuck ya'll. I haven't been able to hold a decent conversation with anyone since the beginning of this year.

8. I'm falling asleep ya'll. But the fucked up part is as soon as I hit the bed and turn the lights out, Imma be wide awake like a Bronx crackhead at 5:17 in the morning.


9. Mc Donald's and BET have been conspiring with each other on how they can bring us down as a people.


As a future marketer, I hope I never have to add to the fuckery.
But if I were a total idiot I'd do the following.
Picture it:
*in my Ad exec voice*

Juice Man, Gucci Mane ...dancing! ....I'm thinking jingle... something like....

"Quarter Pounder with cheese/Pickles, onions hey!/ One Dollar Sweet Tea/Apple Pie/Yay!"

Then I'd watch sales go through the roof :(

10. I am going to bed. Because clearly all this work and lack of sleep is making me crazy.

Later All!!
monie ♥

More Groupie Sex Tales- Jim Jones

Dammit, man! Backstagepazz.com -- ya'll are making my summer out this bitch!


Soooo, I made up a new game, ya'll. It's called "What the Fuck". Very similar to my usual red light-green light, but its 2009 so I figure, hey, why not do some new shit.

Today we're talking about the penis of Joseph Guillermo Jones or as we all know him, JIM JONES .

Scuse me as I let out my niggadom ; you know, that hood side that all of us have-- white folks, ya'll ain't exempt!

*Monie pops open a bag of bodega potato chips (UTZ! ) and sets it beside her Tropical Fantasy- Colt 45 cocktail (lmao), and turns up the volume on her bootleg Dipset's Greatest Hits CD. *

Jim Jones, this basket of Chlamydia... ugh. Let's get started shall we?

*In my best Cam'ron voice*

KILLA!!

Jim Jones came to my city on a tour with another rapper. I went to the show with my sister and a couple of our friends. I was a lil intoxicated and ended up losing everybody I was with. On some ol' humbug type shit, I just really asked one of the security guards if I could go backstage....my outfit was pretty hot (lol). I was backstage just walking around and stumbled upon Jimmy and Freaky Zeaky, Jimmy asks me "what I was doing" so me I play the dumb role and was like " I lost my sister", you know the damsel in distress, lol.
He asked me to come and chill with them, I'm like "you sure?" He like "yeah", so I'm in there and next thing you know he pulls out some money and I must admit he was holding that night so I'm like "can I have some?" He like "what you gonna give me?" I'm like "whatever baby" so he cash's me out and we are fucking on a table, he just bent me over the table and hit it from the back for like 5 mins, and then put me on my back with one leg on his shoulder(while his dude is watching).

Everybody all together now: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Money for sex, what we call that, ya'll?

*Dumb mafucka in the crowd shouts out "Ballin!"*

Naw nigga, try again.

That's prostitution.

Who says the world ain't fair?

It is.

Look at that: a dirty ass nigga for a dirty ass bitch. She got bent over a table while his friend (probably Freeky Zeeky handicapped ass) was watching?? Lmao, all I can see is one of them fold-up lunch tables from back in middle school and someone bent over getting pounded out.

Nastiness.

Jimmy Jones, you dead wrong for that shit. And Imma set Handicaps Welfare Association on your ass.


Smh.

Carry on Groupie:

It was alright though....you will not believe this guy put his finger in my ass!!!!!!!! I wasn't feeling that at all but hey its his dime. I must admit he's a sweaty muthafucka and he was talking shit too like " you like this bitch" I must admit I kinda liked it...the talking not the sex cause my butt was sore for a couple days!!!! I thought that he gave me like $600.00 but it was more like five something, tell you the truth though...I would have let him get it for free,lol. If he wasn't sweating so much I think it would have been better. Sweaty Ass!!

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

I say, one mo' gain: WHAT! THE! FUCK?!!?

*Monie pours her Tropical Fantasy-Malt Liquor cocktail on the ground. The rental white carpet in her apartment bursts into flames. Quickly, she sprinkles the Utz chips on the fire in hopes to out it, but the flames rise up higher than Sam Jackson on crack in Jungle Fever... is this the end??*

Nah.

For real though, I have some questions.

1- Somebody please tell me: what was "alright" about this entire situation? You get pounded out over a table for five minutes while someone sticks a finger in your ass for roughly $5-bills? Houston, we have a mafuckin problem. Where is the self love out here?

*Monie sadly watches the self love float off into oblivion*

2- I need these bitches to have higher standards for sex. Imma share some of mine:

I definitely need more than 5 minutes. 35 minutes, one or 2 hours with breaks in between, yeah. 5 minutes, fuck outta here.
You give me 5 minutes, I promise I'll shank you, tell all your friends (and my friends too) and then the rest of your life from there on out is fucked up.

Because I can't get back the Tang once I pour it out the pitcher; you will NOT be playing w/ my shit.

If he's sticking his finger in your asshole and "you ain't feeling that at all" tell him to stop. If someone is doing something to your body that you do not like/ particularly care for, tell that nigga to halt. Or do something that has always worked for me: punch him in the chest. Hard. Yup, punch that mafucka. And tell him to step off as you put on your clothes and walk up out of there/ demand he drives you back home.

3- Jim Jones is out of shape. Badly. He's pouring down excessive amounts of sweat after 5 minutes of fucking? I guess sticking your finger in someone's ass really works up a sweat, huh?

*shrug*


Yeah, no thanks... I'll pass. And if he wasn't sweating so much she thinks it could have been better? BITCH, HOW????

I am too through.

There needs to be a Dipset intervention out here...

and that's all, folks.

Groupie Sex Tale: MAVADO & the Two Hundred Dollar Ho

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Hoodboogas and Seafood, Hennessy and Muffins. Oh, and Church Antics,

This weekend was interesting to say the least. It was the first time I've ever been around so many low-class people. Yup... I said that. And I mean it.

Like I told ya'll during the last post, Sissy Dear and our friend from church went up to Rhode Island for a seafood fest, then to Mohegan Sun afterwards. The trip itself was ok, but the hoodboogas on there were NOT. I wasn't expecting hoodboogas as this trip was put together by one of Sissy Dear's co-workers, but now I question the types of people that she works with. I feel scared for the poor gal. I pray she finds another job posthaste!

And so...

We get there at 8 am, expecting breakfast as these people advertised. Now, something told me to run to the Asian Bodega (lol) across the street for some Pringles because whenever the 'folk tell you you're going to get breakfast on a trip, its usually some kind of fuckery. And I am glad I did.

My intuition (aka God) don't make no mistakes.


First of all, when we got on the bus I didn't see or smell anything that looked like breakfast. All i saw was a big ass dingy white cooler. I'm wondering what the hell is in there. My guess was bagels and cream cheese, but my guess was waaay off.

About twenty minutes into the trip, these mafuckas come talkin' 'bout breakfast is served.

I'm all excited, thinking I'm about to eat a bagel, something I have no business eating.

I can almost taste the cream cheese and feel it latching on to the other million pounds of fat that is my stomach.

Then, BAM! Reality slapped me on both sides of my face and then headbutted me.

Scroll down, lemme show you what they busted out of that dingy ass white cooler for breakfast:

Have you had your break today?? Probably not.

All foods were served in:*



*Monie slams her imaginary door and closes all the blinds*

What in the ziplock continental breakfast???


But what I wanna know is WHEN did it become acceptable to drink Hennessy and eat muffins at 10:09 in the AM? And as we all know, it is NEVER ok to drink cheap ass 5 dollar Andre shitpagne(click that there).

You can't make no damn Mimosa with that off brand shit! Not that these hoodboogas were even making Mimosas. They were sipping the shit straight from their plastic cups and then topping it off with that Hennessy.

Needless to say that by the time we got to the Nordic Lodge, niggerocity was on full blast.

Scuse me one minute... I need to get comfortable for this shit right'chea.

*Monie un-buttons her skinny jeans, props her legs up on her imaginary coffee table, scratches her left titty, then lights a cigarette*

*exhale*

As one of them ugly Pretty Ricky boys would say in that Hotline song--

Pictcha dis:

(lmbao, what in blue hell is going on in this pic? that's another story, for another day)

I digress.


So about 100 of BK & BX's finest Niggeratti (yeah, oxymoronic, I know) come out to eat seafood and show the world their entire ass. There were about 5 normal people on this trip (me and my girls included).

I guess the sugar rush from the muffins and Hennessy finally hit folks, because it was just UN-COUTH! There was one table that was just LOUD as all get out, singing songs from the Color Purple. Folks cracking the crab legs and lobster shell with their TEETH! And the outfits... I can't even go there with ya'll today. I need to buy a digi-cam so I can share these things w/ ya'll. Yes, I know, I'm long overdue, but I'm not really into capturing the moment on film.

Anywho, after all that, we all pile back on the bus for Mohegan Sun. They get to serving more Hennessy and Andre shitpagne, watching movies and all that. I just turned up the volume extra loud on my Zen and prayed that my eardrums didn't bust out after the trip.

We get to Mohegan Sun, and it was alright. Nothing too exciting for me, probably cause I'm not really into gambling. I had the best time in Brookstone's testing out massagers :D

Also saw Drunken Munchkin's baby brother. Lol, small world, huh?

After we gambled out our little $10 (my sister won $20,lol) we just chilled, walked around, and took pics. Nothing exciting. We got back home to Long Island at about 1:30 am.

*blank stare*

As Forrest Gump says--

..."and that's all I got to say bout that"

Sunday I got up for church, which was quite interesting. My mother yelled at the organ player to shutup right there in the sanctuary. Very embarassing, but someone needed to tell his ass to stop. I don't remember if I ever wrote about the organ player from church.

Grab your Hennessy (lol);

time for a quick story

Ron's his name. He's "hip hop royalty" (Rakim's) older brother. Has/had a bit of a drug problem. Has about 8 teeth in his mouth, all are caked up with plaque.

(Hold your luch down)

Stays soliciting money from around the neighborhood. Our church pays him to play on Sundays. He doesn't know the words to ANY songs, and puts the following lines in everything he sings:

'mazin' grace, how sweet da sound! once was lost but nowww i'm found
*smacks away microphone with his mouth*

For two months straight during offering collection he put his own spin on that song that was the theme from Amen:

Turn on da light from heaven lawwd
Shinnnnnnne on meeeee
Turn on the light from heaven lawwd
Shine on me! Shine. it. on. me.
Talkin' bout da roaddddd, from heaven lawd
(repeat)

Every Sunday I swore I was gonna die from laughter, cracking up hiding behind the pew in front of me.

Clawdhammercy; they better not ask me to do his eulogy!

Needless to say, he's quite EXTRA, and an aggravation. I guess my mama couldn't take it no more ya'll. She's gangsta. Lol.

And that was this weekend's excitement. I should have more for ya'll this week.

Later Bubbies!!
♥ Monie