Random Shit- the Reality TV edition

It's the 12th of the month, and dammit, we know what that means.
PMS!
Let the bitchery commence!

Isn't there a really uncanny resemblance between Miss New York and Lady Elaine Fairchild from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood?


They have similar bitch-like attitudes as well.
Wonder if the makeup has anything to do with it? Hmm..

This ho (New York, not Lady Elaine;-) has yet another show coming out... I won't be watching.


Where is that damn red trolley when you need it to come whisk someone's ass away?
I'm sooo over her. I wish Mr. Rogers were alive. So he could tell the trolley to take New York and Lady Elaine to the M.A.C. store :(

Day 26 - Random shit I've been wanting to say about them for a while now. I'm thinking seriously of twittering Diddy and putting in my complaints.

Mike- I love big Mike, but he got one more damn time to squeeze his big ass into a bubble vest. One more time!

And has the nerve to be wearing it with a tie?! Looking like a Berenstain Bear.

Awwww!! Kindness, Caring and Sharing.
I felt lightweight bad after reading that, but then I realized:

I am in fact doing most of the above.

I'm kind enough to share my opinion. I just don't have that caring part down yet, but by God's grace, I'mma git there!

- Isn't it hilarious how they always have to put captions on when Mike and Willie are speaking.

Especially Mike... cause everytime he opens his mouth I just hear Pootie Tang.

Sadatay!

Willie-
I don't know how I didn't include Willie in my line of men I'd smash if I could. He is single-handedly saving that damn Making the Band shitastrophe. Women (and some of ya'll men...mhmmm) are tuning in Thursday nights to see Willie's fine ass. He could've had one leg and a kickstand, I'd still beat!

Que

What in the Legend of Bagger Vance? What is this mafucka wearing?? This is an all the time thing for Que. He looks like a gerbil.

Old gerbil looks like he's doing his thing. Diddy might wanna call him up and replace Que. No one will be the wiser.


Robert- rides my nerves, but after this last episode, I've grown to love him. He spit the damn truth last Thursday night. I would have shown my left titty on the highway to see him throw that chair at Que and knock his little ass over.

Oooh! Is that a bangle on his wrist? Where is Miss Wendy when you need her? How you doin?!


Brian- is a bit annoying too.

Like someone sticking their dick in your ear. Don't trip, I'll talk about that another day, lol, I just don't have the energy tonight.

Anyway, I've never seen someone manage to look dingy even when they've been airbrushed. How does he do it? I like Brian though. He sings his little ass off.

Did I forget any of them? I feel like I should have included Dawn's ass. She's like the sixth member now. I mean, it could work.

Dawn has the balls to be down.

And the strap on.

Because we all know she bussin' Que's back wide open. Let me stop that. I like Dawn :)

Heheheheh... I need to behave myself. I'm going to bed. Easter service tommorow.
xoxomonie*

If I Were a Ho-- Even Just For a Day...

*Monie stares back at her reflection. Today she's rocking her lacefront wig... feelin' all Beyonce like.*

Then she starts to sang:

If I were a ho...even just for a day...I'd roll out of bed in the morning..grab my box of Magnums and goooooo :)

Naw, for real though. If I could smash the following in the span of one day-- if I could manage it-- I would. Cause they fine! And who ain't fine got education to back it up.

Bachelor #1: Idris Elba



I love him. Our one-sided love affair has been going on since The Wire. He's one of those men that when you see him, you automatically bite your lip. He will make you need Carmax up in this bitch, won't he?

Sexy ass.

He makes my p----y jump everytime. Whenever I feel like my p----y has died due to non-usage I look at Idris and P--y says "Not so, young ho!"



I'd smash that.

I'd smash that on a cardboard box in the pouring rain, homeless style.





Bachelor #2: Hill Harper











Wooo, hold me daddy , in the pouring rain! He's fine and he's educated. Two of my favorite traits in a man. Two out of my long list of requisites for coochie giveaway. I'd knock that down so proper I'd have him screaming the Quadratic Equation. He's kinda short though. :( Under normal circumstances (as of 2006) I won't allow men under 6'0 in my vag, but I'd break the rule for him. Indeed.





Bachelor #3: JD Williams (aka Bodie on the Wire)











*singing in my Bobby Brown-I'm-high-on-X-and-coke-AND-weed-voice*

And I know you're gettin' borrrrredddd/ Chillin with himmm/And I know you miss my lovinn/my thuggin/thug lovinnnnn (repeat)





I've always like JD. Since I was in High School watching Oz. My lust is strong, ya dig. I loved him on The Wire as well. He usually plays the thuggish, arrogant, asshole type; which I'm attracted to (we'll talk about that another day). Typecasted like a muthaf/cka, but whatever JD is in.. I'll support it. And I'll try to keep my hands out my pants. LMAO. For real though, J.D. could get. Yes. he. could.





Bachelor #4: David Banner


When I first saw David Banner, I was not impressed. He wasn't all that aesthetically pleasing.
*Here come Pastor Goodfoot, my mental Baptist preacher... *

But, then. I say-- I say, but THEN!! I caught a glimpse of his country corn fed sexy ass on MTV a few months back... *Organist tears it up; Pastor fans self*
Lol...sometimes I just have to take it there. Anywho...

And then I heard he was a few months shy of completing his Masters... splash waterfalls!!

I would LOVE for him to knock it down the most actually. And if he couldn't "put some dick in my world" ; I'd settle for him whispering the words to "Play" on the phone to me. Plus he just has the look. You know the look. Like he would Taebo the shit out of your p---y.

I'mma leave David Banner alone; cause ya girl still has a paper to write...woo chile!

So yeah, that's all for tonight. I was gonna include Tristan Wilds young ass... but that ain't right. I'll wait til he hits 21 :)

Deuces
s.dior :)

man-made bitch, jump offs and the like...

i'm a man-made bitch


not me, but just try to stay with me here. hopefully someone will comment and help me make some sense out of this. so, last night i went out with k and her homegirl tee. on our way home from the club we're talking about men and sex. tee is a few years younger than us, and its clear from some of the things she says that her maturity level hasn't peaked. but then again, neither has mine, so who am i to say shit? anyway. k is in a bind because she wants to have relations with this kid josh as well as his friend yeyo, but she's worried about niggas giving her the reputation she had back in the day because they talk. k asks my advice and i tell her:



we're too old to be worrying about what niggas in the streets have to say, do what you know you're gonna do. which is have 'em both. but since tee's homegirl had
j and she said his penis is small, go for the other kid, yeyo. don't waste your good perm.

then tee chimes in with a speech that shut the windows, the blinds, the front door, and left me in Chickenhead Heaven standing in DARKNESS.



Glad all I had was a flute of Rosé because i remembered this here grandiloquence almost verbatim. it was that memorable.


Tee:
I'm a man-made bitch. I fucks whoever i want to, just like a nigga and at the end of the day, niggas respect me and love me for that shit. i been fucking since i was 12. i had my man S, my babydaddy who i'm still with to this day and this other dude that lived 4 blocks away, and whoever else i want. Everybody like to fuck, everybody pussy get wet. Tonight that nigga was like how he knew I was messing with ___ and ___ and ____ and ___
(i forget all their names, but there were atleast 4 of them)
but i told them its still all about nick. and at the end of the day they still love me, cause I'm a man-made bitch! And I'm gonna only be fucking nick because I don't like to use condoms. They burn. And I don't do the lambskin shit.


Pause for the cause. I wish someone were here to weigh in with me and help me pick it apart. No one ever leaves comments, but i know ya'll come through thanks to the feejit. Please. Weigh in!!



I mean, I understand what she's trying to say, however, I don't get where she got the term "man-made" from. First time I've ever heard of it. I don't care about how anyone is getting down, but I am concerned when they are not using condoms, yet doing this much f/cking. And I am shocked that a 22 year old mother feels that sex is safe if she doesn't get pregnant or sticks to the same person for a while.

Let me leave that alone. My mind needs to take a walk on that one.

so anyway, k ended up having relations with j last night, and she reported back that it was no bueno. she said he kissed really good, but tee was rushing her from across the room (these guys live at home w/ their mom in the basement, true long island style) because she had to be home in time for when her baby woke up. k said it really was small, and he was nice enough to warn her that he was gonna come quick. and he did.



i hope i don't come off self righteous when i say this... but at my age (26)... i feel like, jump-jumps should be held to higher standards. because in addition to this nigga coming at breakneck speed...he had the nerve to suggest my girl take him to dinner and he was not playing. Woolawd!!!!



Sometime this week I will be writing The Jump Jump Doctrine. I may even do it tonight.