H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S

H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S


Bet ya’ll didn’t know that word was an acronym.

Monie, say what?

Hell fuckin’ yeah.

Look it:

*Monie hurriedly scribbles the the following word vertically on her imaginary chalkboard and uses the chalk to point out each letter to your attention*


H is for Hustling

O is for Others'

M is for Money

E is for Eating (and drinking too) and

L is for Living free off of

E veryones

S hit and finally

S for So the fuck what, bitch?

*Chalk snaps in half from all the hard pointing. Monie throws what’s remaining in her hand somewhere over her shoulder and barely misses Dinka cat’s head*
Good-bye T.O.N.Y., Hello H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S.!

Solange aint the only bitch that can make an acronym out this mafucka!

H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S - Got it, everybody?
Now for today’s diatribe.
*Cue in T.O.N.Y instrumental*

I don’t like homeless people. That’s right, I said it. I don’t.
I feel like 99% of them are living foul-like—begging for money under false pretenses of being hungry and having no money for the bus. Meanwhile, they got more money than me because during the 8 hours I’ve been busting my ass for about $35 dollars an hour (that gets tax-raped down to like $17) you, oh Homeless Wonder, have been sucking dick tax free for crack and Popeye’s Chicken.

(Click on these pics to enlarge-- they're a must see)

And if he (or she) is one of them new age Nomads like the ones that bless DC and NYC they fucks with nothing but Starbucks, Coca Cola, and Fiji water.

Monie, say what!?

Oh yes!! They are brand whores for real. I implore you to keep reading!

Well damn, bitch-- why are you so mad about it?

Really, it’s a combination of a whole lot of things, but I ain't got time for all that.

The main reason I’m so mad is because I KNOW for a fact (ok, maybe not a fact, but I have a strong ass feeling) that these ho’s are holding no less than $40 bucks after they done got through a day’s “work”.

Story time.
Yesterday, the 21st century nomad that posts up by my job asked me to spare some change. Now, I have watched old boy very closely since I’ve begun working at my job.

Every morning around 7:30 I see him sipping STARBUCKS coffee or Frappuccinos.

Every evening he’s across the street from Starbucks posted up in front of CVS panhandling for bus fare, snacks, and the cold drink of his choice. Make note that he only panhandles evenings.

What’s on his agenda in the mornings??

Mmmhmm.



Dick suckin’ and crack smokin’.
Swallow it, gargle it.



Sometimes I see this ho ass fucka on the bus. He rides it 3 whole stops and gets off. And! Wait for it….he wears an exceptionally clean pair of Jordans. Yes. JORDANS. I kid you not.



See, I’d respect ‘em more, and would probably even dip into my pocket *blankdamnstare* if these bastards told the truth or didn’t yell out demands to me.



So now that you have the background on this mafucka--- continue on.

Anywho, when he begged for my money I kindly told him that I debit everything and don’t carry cash. Which is true. Right now I exactly One Cent in my wallet, 2 void checks and $10 Jamaican dollars which is probably equivalent to…half a cent. Dead ass. After I said this to old boy, he yelled out something that left me fuckin’ flabbergasted.

Wooo chile, tell us what he said!

Sheeeiit…would I be me if I didn’t?

This muthafucka said,

“Well when you go inside bring me back out a Coca Cola!”

Say whaaaaa?!

*In my best Solange voice*

Homeless don’t beg no mo’/ They be makin’ requests oh noo

Yes, ladies! This fool didn’t even ask for something to drink, he demanded his choice of soda. Mind you, if I had, it would mean I’d have to walk in the opposite direction of where I’m going. He got a lot of nerve! I guess not having a home doesn’t stop a man from acting like a man, huh? *blank.damn.stare*

Just for kicks, I looked at the price of Coke and it was $1.79, which probably after tax brings it up to $2.00 and change. Part of me wanted to go back and elbow buss him in his dusty ass head. Because I can do a whole lot of shit with two dollars.

Let me break down the value of $2.00 in Monie’s world:

- That’s one day’s travel to and from work (or at least it was until Metro hiked fares yesterday—thanks ya bastards)

- A four piece chicken nuggets and fries at the Golden Arches—which Monie’s fat ass shouldn’t be eating, but still.

- One load of clothes washed (or dried) in the laundry room

- One can of frozen concentrated juice which I am forced to buy thanks to this severe case of broketivity I’m experiencing

- A box of Rice-a-roni. You know, The San Francisco Treat? Yeah, that shit

- A small Lucerne brand coffee creamer. I need this off brand shit for my coffee. So I can stay awake at work while I stay busy pretending to be busy

- Not just one, but two bags of sliced bread.

- 3 international text messages at.60 cents each.

.

Seriously, I could go on forever, but ya’ll get my point


“I coulda been alright by now if it wasn’t for H.O.M.E.L.E.S.S ”

*Monie blows bangs out of her eyes*

Later ya’ll. I know u loved these pics--- especially Khaki dearest :)

The Set Up: Nigerian Email Scam

Hey Ya'll!
(yup, i know. back to back posts!)

I just wanna vent about Spam blocker not doing its job.

Yesterday I received the following African fuckery in my inbox:

Subject: I HAVE REGISTERED YOUR CONSINGMENT WITH THE PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE / Call me: Tel: +234-802525-4563

*Monie lights herself two cigarettes and puts her Klonopin on the table. It might be one of those… times*

What in the Amistad?!?!?!!?!

Keep us free!!

My imagination ran wild, and this is what happened in my mind:

Monie: First, what the hell is a “conSINGment”? Second, the “Parcel Express Company Courier Service”—that joint needs an acronym. Too much is going on. And last, there’s no “+” sign on my phone, so I can’t even call to verify this shit.

Carry on ya'll…


Mr. Wilson:

Hello,

I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirmable Bank cheque of (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS ) but I did not hear from you since for a couple of weeks now. Then I went to the bank to confirm if the draft has expired or getting near to the date of expire and Dr. Wilson the Director Bank of Africa told me that before the draft will get to your hand that it will expire.


(Just this once, I will ignore that hell of run on sentence)

*Lightbulb goes off in Monie’s head*

Monie: But it all makes mafuckin sense now!! This is where all the money Bank of America has been taking from me goes to!! To Africa!!

Look at 'im. It's a conspiracy. Imma tell ya'll what's really going on in this picture.

That smug mafucka is a Bank of America rep. He appears as if he's doing good by those babies, but I know the truth. He's a thief. Promising those kids my stolen two thousand united state dollars; filling them with promises of new cloths for their backs, toys, and food. These poor children. They have no idea he gives not a fuck. Kids, be warned! He will take it ALL; from the cloth on your back to the calluses on your feet!! Lawd jeezah!! You've been warned.

*Monie pops a Klonny-pin, pulls her wig off and sets it on her end table. Unbeknownst to Monie, Dinka with the help of Baby Bird Byron steal the wig and give it to the new woman in Dinka's life, Shantikafah.

She is thus pleased. *

I digress.

So yeah. A whole TWO MILLION UNITED STATE (no "s" ya'll) DOLLARS! This figure sounds like what they've taken from me over the years in overdraft fees. *shrug*

However, neither this Mr. Wilson (scroll down; that’s who this letter is from) or Dr. Wilson (hmm—wonder if they related?) has contacted me. I know I been tied up with school and moving and shit, but I would have remembered someone writing me about TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS owed to me.

Carry on…


Mr. Wilson: So I told him to cash the (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS) to cash payment to avoid losing this funds under expiration as I will be out of the country for an 11 Months Course and I will not come back till Ending of SEPTEMBER. 2011.

Monie: Mr Wilson; you are ever so thoughtful. I sure hope you got all 20s and 50’s. And 1’s too. Those are my favorite.

The thing is, I don’t know if I own a bag that can even hold all that cash. And I’m a "walker" (a person who doesn’t drive or ride a bike) so I don’t know if I will be able to carry all that. Oh wait!! You did say that the PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE (or the PECCS as I would like to call it) is gonna deliver the shit. My fault. Look at me getting ahead of myself.

And if I may ask, where are you going for 11 months?? You planning on sticking it to me and then going to live it up on the beach somewhere no doubt.


Mr. Wilson: What you have to do now is to contact PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your Consignment to you because of the expiring date. For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance premium so contact;

Directors Name: MR. JOHN WILLIAMS
Company’s Name: PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES
Email Address: (mrjohnw11000@vista.aero)
TELLPHONE: +234-802525 4563

Monie: Mr. Wilson—you hookin ya girl up! You paid for delivery and insurance. That’s whatsup.

*Blank Stare*

But I done told you, that I don’t have a “+” on my “tellphone”. How am I gonna get through to them to deliver this consignment? I guess I can always email him.

Mr. Wilson: The only money you will send to the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES to deliver your Consignment direct to your postal Address in your country is ($100USD) only being Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far.

Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $100USD ONLY.

I would have paid that but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage. You have to contact the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES now for the delivery of your PARCEL with this information bellow;

1, Full Name:
2, Address of Residence:
3, country from:
4, Telephone Number:
5, Occupation...

Monie: I will try not to let anyone deceive me to pay anything other than the $100 USD. Do you have copies of the receipts showing you paid for insurance and delivery? Just in case they try to make me pay? Also, I’m confused, now. Is it “Parcel Express Company Courier Service or just Parcel Express Courier Service”? Anyway, thanks for letting me know you would have paid if you could. You’re very thoughtful, Mr. Wilson. Why didn’t you give them my info though? I mean, surely you have that. You’re privy to everything else…


Mr. Wilson: Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and Direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package over there, that will be after you paid the Security Keeping Fee and when it will get to your address. Let me repeat again, Try contact them as soon as you receive this mail and ask them how you will make the security fee of $100USD to them to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $100USD for their immediate action.

Monie: I dunno about this Mr. Wilson… I smell a setup. You know I live in DC, like 4 blocks from the White House… and they have a way of finding out everything. Them some bad muthas if you didn’t know. I mean, President Obama seems really, really nice— it’s them other hos in the Cabinet that I don’t trust.


**takes hard puff of cigarette**

I just don’t wanna do nothing to mess up the (second ) start of my grown woman life. I fucked up the first one pretty badly, and now I have no couch, no bed, microwave, or electric tea kettle… and crack wasn't even involved!!

But that’s a whole nother story.

So yeah, no matter how much that TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS sounds, I like the happy state of mind that I’m in (most of the time) now.

Mr. Wilson: Note this. The PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES don't know the contents of the Box.
I registered it as a BOX of Africa cloths. They did not know the content was money? Only Dr. John knew this as confidential agreement between me and him because he advice me so, this is to avoid them delaying with the BOX. Don’t let them Know that the box content is money okay.

Monie: Mr. Wilson, you sneaky dog!! Both you and Dr. Wilson!! But why are you asking me “they did not know the content was money?” Did they, or is that just a typo. Mr. Wilson, I don’t want no trouble, you hear me?? NO TROUBLE!! I won’t let them or anyone know the box content is money. Just ordinary... African... CLOTHS.

It can be like , our little secret.

Mr. Wilson: You are to make the payment of $100 Dollars in the name of the PARCEL accountant officer (MR DABO STEVEN) for the security payment/keeping fee of your package with this payment details below:

Receiver Name: MR DABO STEVEN
Receiver Address: NO.32 GROVERS CRESCENT, ABUJA NIGERIA
Sender's Name: Your Name
Sender's Address:
Amount To be Sent: $100 usd
Text Question to be used: HOW ARE YOU
Text Answer: FINE
M.T.C.N. ( Ten Digit Number )

Monie: So is Mr. Dabo Steven in on the take as well? Or did he already get his portion of the money? Cause I’m gonna count this here currency and if it doesn’t add up to TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS Imma have some questions for you and Mr. Steven.
Bad gyal don't fear. * snarl*

I will make note not to put a question mark after the text question “how are you”. I am not trying to cause further delay with this BOX.

Mr. Wilson: Make sure you send to me the payment information, which was given to you via Western Union or Money Gram.

Monie: I didn't get anything form Western Union or Money gram. Please resend. I'll more than likely use Western Union, since I’m a Western Union PRO.
*brushing dirt off shoulders*
No problem!

Mr. Wilson:You are advice to send the money today so as to avoid any delay from delivery your package to your door step. Package arrives to your doorstep in 48hrs.

Monie: Oh wow, only 48 hours…. coming from Nigeria??? You can pretty much send a BOX at light speed now I guess. That don’t sound right, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson: As soon as you make the payment of Security Keeping fee of $100USD ask them to give you your tracking number, for proper verification to avoid mistake.

This is the Couier Company website: pescnig.net

And you can call me Agent for more info +234-802525-4563

Yours Faithfully,
MR. SCOTT WILLIAMS

Monie: Um, Agent? Hold the fuck up.

I definitely need some more info. I looked at the website, and saw a mafuckin horse with a PARCEL on its back. Like some real Pony Express type shit was going on, on that website.

And if that’s the way you’re sending my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS, I'd rather we go about this in some other way. I’m quite sure it’s not gonna get here in 48 hours. Additionally, this can't be safe. No matter how much insurance you put on it.
I'm sure the horse is gonna get hungry on its way here from Nigeria. And I'm not sure whether they send the horse with food or not, but I'm not tryna fuck around with a hungry horse and have him eat my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS.

No, no, NO!! Especially after I paid my hard earned (ok, so it's Financial Aid) $100 dollars down!

Please email me in regards to the questions that I have. You can call me at 301______. Please do not put a “+” in front of my number, or you won’t be able to contact me.

Thanks.

Frightfully,

Monie

*sigh*

Dear God, it's me, Monie...
i can't.

Why I Declare! I Regret You, but I Don't Regret the Orgasms and Other Cynacisms

So as I sat flipping through the man-o-log of my life, having silent conversation with myself (as i usually do); i thought about the men I've smashed, and realized that I regret all of them.

*Monie lights Marlboro Light, puffs, and exhales*

(I have switched brands...I've also quit, but in my mind, I'll always be a smoker--hehe)


So yeah, every last one. Except for the orgasms.

The orgasms were quite magical and I 'preciates 'em, as it can be quite hard for a female to achieve one, much less several as I have been lucky enough to gain.

I have given up on finding "that perfect love" that I so wanted earlier this year. Fuck love. I'd take a cheeseburger (preferably flame broiled) and some good cock over love any day.


I will settle dammit. I will settle for good, consistent dick, that is. Because these
"relationships" are nothing but a headache. Sex cures a headache, by the way. It's scientifically proven! Go'n and click dis here.

Should I ever settle down, I want a husband who is always away on travel. Except for the weekend. Weekends were made not only for Michelob,


but for hours of hardcore frolickin'.

I mean, I could always hold out for a good man, but by that time, I may be old, he more than likely will be ugly, and to be quite frank...a bitch aint got time for that.

And that is all for today.

xoxom0nie

Lights, Camera, Action... Blackberry Porn

Blog Muffins! How art thou?

So...when last I wrote, I was contemplating on whether I should become a Blackberry porn star. Well... lights, camera, action, move aside Miss Jackson, dammit, there's a new starlett in town. *Cacklin*


We shot a lil scene Friday evening. I thought I'd be shy, but oddly enough, I'm not.

Maybe I'm just that comfortable with #4? It could have to do with the fact that I know he's not tech savvy and there's no way he could take it from my phone and put it on to his, or worse, upload it to gatdamn Youtube.

*cue in scary movie music*

But yeah, I'm quite comfortable being filmed. It may have to do with the fact that I think I'm cute and know my skills *shrug*

Few things I noticed were:

- I really am that damn good. Not to toot my own horn or anything *beep beep* but my performance was flawless. Like, some of these porn hos could learn a thang or two from the old gal Simone.

- I see why porn stars rock weaves. *sigh*
I was all set, yall! I had my hair all did up, put the front part up in a lil Chrisette Michele type pompadour,


but unfortantely #4 cant control his fuckin hands, and messed my shit up. Had the sides of my hair looking like Lovelace from mafuckin Happy Feet.


Not. cute. at. all.

-That Blackberry video camera light is brighter than African sunshine on an Albino's backside.


Like, I word up wanted to hit pause, throw on some Ray Charles type shades, some mafuckin sunblock and then continue handlin' my bidness.




Wtf? Damn, somebody couldn't warn a bitch?!

- Must find a way to get my nails done, or at least make sure my nails are painted at all times. I knew I had man hands, but gaaahdamn! Not attractive!!

- My eyes really are big. Now, this is a fact I've always been aware of, so for this reason I made sure to keep my eyes down for most of the mini flick. But even when they're closed...they're huge! Maybe next time I'll put some eyeshadow on 'em. Play it up a bit.

- Poor #4... got some nappy ass pubic hairs. Like, they need a cholesterol treatment, a hot oil treatment...or something.


They are in fact so nappy, that i was handling down there the other day and thought he had a bump or something. Of course I started freaking out, and he unraveled the pube like it was nothing. *blank muthafuckin stare*

I mean damn, they always felt nappy, but seeing them higlighted by Blackberry's lovely flash... makes them appear even worse. I can't...


So with that said, this lil broadcast needs a do-over. I shall try again this evening. Or something. I mean, I got free time on my hands and shit. *shrug* :D

In other events, I'm still here chillin. Me and #4 still fighting like cats and dogs. He ride my fuckin nerves I tell you. I like him best at night when he thinks I'm asleep. for one, he aint talking shit, and two, he hugs me and kisses my forehead and whispers sweet stuff. But when we're both up and alert... heaven help me talk to strangers!! I can't take him. He still makes me laugh, and he's still adorable though. What can I say? I'm a sucker.

That's all for now, folks.
Later gators!!

monie00x0x

Random Shit & Possible Youtube Shame

Ay dere muffins!!

I swear... my stomach always wants to act up when I'm out and about. I was just at my own spot, and now that I'm in the internet cafe... here comes the doo-doo monster doing the walk it out in my intestines. :(




#4 and i were "frolicking" (my new name for head-acrobatics, lol) and in the midst of me doing my thing he asks me, "Do you ever get tired?" I thanked him for his concern; told him that, yes, I do, but I am determined to be the best at everything I do (damn perfectionism). I then asked him to be quiet, and bust a nut so I can feel like I accomplished something today. *blank damn stare*

After mission got accomplished he tells me that I get better and better every time and then says "I wanna record you on my phone"

Ermmm.... Now, I'm all for freaky shit, I really am (so long as it doesn't involve my asshole or any baby batter in my mouth), but I've always been iffy about being recorded.

What happens if/when I become famous??

(Yeah, I know, its a bit far fetched, but for some reason I see red carpet in my future)

I don't wanna be a victim of youtube!

But dammit, I got caught up and agreed to it...after I did my hair...because it's been looking like hot shit due to the fact I had a lil cold and couldn't wash it.

So I guess if I'm ever shamed via youtube, at least I can say my hair looked nice that and healthy that evening due to this ApHogee protein treatment I'm about to put in it. *cacklin'*


I will also be a wee-bit proud of myself, because I have skills to rival Superhead. *shrug*

Anywho, I'm on an internet limit, so that's all for now. Perhaps tommorow?

Later Gators!

xoxomOnie
(always talking shit)

Just because I ain't got no sense..

We all got a creation story.
I'm happen to have the inside edition on a certain rapper's creation story.

Totally random, but hey... you know how I do.

Story time!

I know they didn't show it in the movie but....

Once upon a time, there was some major fuckin' going on in the Land of Oz.

See-- one day, Evilene got all hot and bothered and said "Self?"

Self said "Hmm?"

Evilene said, "I'm gonna see just how well those flying monkeys can fly."

So she got all dolled up, put in her weave pieces , put on her crowns...



and demanded the flying monkeys run up in her. All of them!

Cause the bitch wanted some D.



So the Flying Monkeys smashed. Because, after all, she demanded it. And they ain't had shit else to do while they were waiting on Dorothy, Tin Man and the rest of them mafuckas.


What the movie failed to tell us was there was a twist!

Before Evilene was defeated, unto her a child was born.
He would grow up to be a cocaine dealer and a half way decent rapper.

Wait for it....

THIS


PLUS THIS


"Don't nobody bring me no bad news!"

EQUALS THAT



"Here I am! Ross!"

*Monie laughs herself into oblivion*

I know... Monie ain't got a lick of sense.

Love ya babies!

xoxomonie!

Real Quick...

I know I'm not the only one who sees a resemblance:


I just wanna be successful. Lmao.

So there's a movie based on LeBron James' high school career coming to the theaters..

uh.. why isn't this shit going straight to Cinemax?? Lionsgate...ya'll fuckin' up.

How did I ever forget to share this hilarious tidbit with ya'll?
So one afternoon me and #4 is getting it poppin and I decide to bless him with my head game ridiculous. While I'm down there I notice that it tastes a bit sweet. So I say to #4:

Me: You don't taste half bad. You're on the sweet side.

#4 looks nervous: You know, diabetes runs in my family. I wonder if it means I'm diabetic.

*moment of silence*

I was so stunned by the stupidity that I couldn't even laugh.

Yup... definitely a sign I need to bring things to an end

Anywho...

I know I'm not the only one who sees the resemblance:


Uhuh, go'n and admit it. Anyway, the school work awaits.

Lator Babies!

xoxomonie!

Jam Rock and Hickeys

Jamaica is always fantabulous. Much partying, contact weed smoke highs, flirtation, and jerk chicken. More details to come.

In other events.

Hickeys

Boyfriend #4 is a jealous one. I have a big ass hickey on the side of my neck due to the fact that he wants dudes here to know that I'm "taken". And it has in fact worked. All the cute guys I wanna flirt w/ see it after a while and say "Oh. You already have a Jamaican boyfriend"

I have tried to lie and say its a mosquito bite, but it is quite large. :(

Now, I'm amateur to this hickey shit, but I do have Google tool bar. The revenge hickey I tried to give to him doesn't really show up. But good ole Google tool bar hipped me to some shit:

Now I know what it takes to leave a monster mark of hateration. Go'n and click that there

Gear up #4... Imma put one on the side of yo' face! Try to hide THAT!

Gosh, this puts major salt in my flirt-game. I shall have a better post for ya'll later.

kisskiss (w/ no hickey),

Monie

Fuck Off!! Random Hate Mail

*Monie lifts her hands to the sky, and mouths to God “Why?”*

*God shrugs and mouths back “Why not? I love you, now go make your misery someone else’s laughter*

*Mo nods*
And so...

Dear Dr. D___,

I know you see vagina all day, so it aint nothing new to you. However, I’m kinda private about mine. Was it really necessary for your student assistant to be in there while you were doing my Pap smear? I’ve never had an audience before, and to be quite frank, I didn’t like that shit. I do appreciate your thoroughness though. When you asked if any of my other doctors ever told me I had “bulging eyes”, demanded that I swallow , and went on to say that you were going to test my thyroid for Graves disease I didn’t know how to take it.** Something tells me you doing me wrong like this because I have HIP Medicaid. Second class citizen, I am not. Neither is my vagina.

I still feel some kind of way. Next time, lets handle the shit one-on-one. And if you could give me the birth control I requested, that'd be kinda nice too. Thanks Dr. D___, for making my week. :(

Dear BET,

Ya’ll need to do better. Like, really need to do better. This “Played by Fame” business, that “Welcome to Dreamland” shitastrophe-- pure fuckery. Why couldn’t ya’ll pick up The Game from CW? Or give Uncle Jeff a show; one that displays that Black folks have sense? I don't appreciate seeing this type of coonery on what is supposed to be "Black Entertainment Television". When you create shitty shows like this, it sets us back . My calculations say 25 years per shitty show. Let's add it up:

Played by Fame: 25
Hell Date: 25
Welcome to Dreamland: 25
Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is (as much as I hate to say it): 100 years [50 for Neffe, 50 for Frankie]
That's 175 years. Do you know what that means?

The touch, the feel of cotton is more than the fabric of our lives.
Think about it. Again. Do better.

( Thank God for Harlem Heights. It's the one program that doesn't scream "Sambo")
Ps- stop running Menace II Society, State Property II, ATL, and Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I done had it up to here.

Dear Forever 21,

You cuntywhores, you!! I hate your exchange policy. Your accessories and bags ain’t shit. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your handbag fall off your arm in the streets…when it was the first time you’ve ever even rocked it? Then you tell me you can’t refund me because “it’s against store policy??” Go suck your mother!! When I bought the piece-of-shit bag I was under the impression that it would add a bit of joy to my life and oomph to my wardrobe, but I was wrong. I rebuke you, Forever 21.

Dear Dan @ Associates Visa,
I hope you wake up tomorrow with morning wood and piss in your own face. Why would you give me a shitty ass deal, offering to lower my interest rate, and “forget” to disclose that if I accepted I’d be incurring late fees and over the limit fees? Why, Dan? That’s fucked up. I’ll be calling back again tomorrow w/ my “lawyers” on the line. And a refund to my bank account is so in order. Go suck your grandmother through a straw, Dan.

Dear Jerimih,

Or whatever your damn name is. Your song sucks. I wouldn't even wipe my behind with these lyrics if they were set on toilet paper!
Allow me to quote your simple ass:

“It’s your birthday and I know you want to ride out Even if its only to my house”
…oh wait, even better:
“I might just sweep you off your feet And make you wanna tell somebody (body, how I do) somebody body how i do

Pause- I’d be ashamed to tell anyone. I'd have to take Miss Ciely's Paw-Not-Paw's advice:
"You be't not tell nobody but God!
Carry on...

Or maybe we can float on top my water bed

(Pause again- people still have waterbeds? Smh…mmnh, carry on, Jeremih)

you close your eyes as I pry between your legs
We work our way from kitchen stoves, and tables
Girl you know I'm more than able to please, yeah
Say you wanted flowers on the bed (on the bed)
But you got me and now it's on again

* Mo runs over to her imaginary window, pulls the blinds off, and throws them on the ground out of disgust *

Cease, Jermih, you simple simon ass mafucka, cease!!!!

Bitch ass nigga: PUH-LEASE! You deserve an open-handed slap to your mouth; one so great you’ll never sing another set of lyrics like this again. This song is a disgrace to R&B.

James Brown's curl activator is probably drying up in his grave because of you.

Retire, ho. Right now.

Gosh! I feel so much better.

Now I’m about to head on to my slumber. I can rest well now that I’ve gotten all this off my chest.

BESOSBABIES!!

i'd fuck 'im and other random shit

"i'm too live, nasty as i wanna be"- jay z

well dammit, me too Jigga.


i'd fuck:


Willie Day 26




Hose me down, Daddy! I watched that "I'm gon put it on her" video yesterday, and Willie looked gooder than a hot Toll House cookie with a side of milk and a napkin!!
Willie could get it butt nekkid on a sack cloth in a barn yard.
He makes you just wanna bathe in some Petite Nate and spread eagle!

(Yeah, my fellow 80s babies remember Petite Nate, the bath time groove, lls)

*this is Jean Nate. apparently Petite, Jean's baby cousin done got discontinued*


anywho...

additionally, i'd fuck (in no particular order):


nate parker pride, great debators




he got that big ass nose, but his teeth are gawgeous! And. He got a phatty. I saw it in Pride, and there it was again while I watched the Great Debators. He got one of those nice asses that sits on high, and don't drop too low. You see his joint, and wanna do a pelvic thrust; cause you imagine how good it would feel to hold it in the palms of your hand while he's on top of you.

kevin phillips also apart of the cast of Pride, Notorious

he looks like he could be related to willie. he got that thickness to him that i like. and it look like he packing something. tilt your head, and lean in close. Look at it! Look at that bulge!!


and on the old nigga side; also from the cast of Pride (yo, what's wrong with me!?),

terrence howard



Why? He just looks nasty; the cat-eyed mafucka. He's got that "I'm an asshole" thing going, which I'm very attracted to.
*shrug*
No wonder I'm in the state that I'm in.


So I guess it's a wonderful thing I was not in film production for the movie Pride--- else it woulda been a whole lotta fuckin' and suckin' going on. Bwahahaaaa!! Ahem!!


Moving along...


pimpin' IS easy


word to shaft, as the girl Lil Kim would say, Old Head called asking to be in my stable. not in these words of course, but he knows the deal.

i got a phone call from him this morning asking which number he was. I told him I hadn't placed him with a number because we don't mess, and he has a girlfriend.

he laughed about the fact she was downstairs as he was calling me (trifling), telling me that he's been thinking about what life would be like if he had made it official with me.

*yawn*

I told him he'd never know now. He tells me he wants a number, so I let him know everyone starts off at 5.

Presto! I got #5. when I make my way to DC in July I know I'll be on the receiving end of some HGR (head game ridiculous) from him. He's really great at it; like he's been practicing since birth. this is no big win, as he is an old ho (literally and figuratively).


We shall all celebrate when I reel in some fresh fish, ok?

and then...

i did some type-foul shit


i called up my ex for the trife ass stunt he pulled while in jamaica, and he's still on some pussy-ass nigga shit a month later; acting like he didn't hear me on the phone. this pissed me the fuck off. no lie, the anger i felt was trance-like.


so i text him the following:


u a coward. keep pretending you cant hear when i call. your job is gonna love to hear what i got to say and read what i got to write. it's your turn to be the fool.


i figured i'd fuck with his livlihood. am i going to call and make false complaints/email with harassment shit? maybe not. depends on whether i have time after all my school work and extracurricular shit is done.


naw, honestly, i don't think i will. despite everything, i try to live right. i try to do right, as i consider myself one of God's inperfect children. however, if you knew my history with him--- you'd tell me to go for it. i mean, i knew he'd give me some bullshit ass excuse, but i wanted to be able to refute it w/ lots of "muthafuckas", "bitch ass nigga's" and "you-aint-shits".....just to make me feel like we settled the score, knaamean? besides-- i'm too lazy (and broke) for the type of effort that would take.

Lord, please forgive me. I shouldn't have done it. Help me to stop seeking get-back and just leave his idiot behind alone. Amen.


that's all. i just wanted to express how i was feeling today. confess my sins, ya know? iwuvsyouguys!


besos ninos!
xoxomonie!

A.D.I.D.A.S. - Giving trouble and Sexual Recaps

God is GOOD! I've finished those wretched papers. Now all I have is a final. There's a good chance I'll be doing it on the beach in Negril, but hey. You can't have it all, right?

Again, I want to thank you all that left me encouraging comments on my last post. I was feeling like a hot shitastrophic mess that day. I pretty much have my sleeping pattern in order again, so you probably won't read anything else that soft, pink, and desperate... until next month when I'm menstrual again. :-)

Other than that, everything is everything. I went to the Asian Toe Masters (ATMs) on Friday, and I am glad to report nobody's toe crumbs were splattered all over my little red flats or flip flops thank God.

A.D.I.D.A.S. - Giving Trouble-Sexual Recaps

So, sometimes when I'm feeling frisky I'll text my old bussdowns or hit 'em via facebook and flirt shamelessly with them. When your pussy gets no action, these are the types of things you resort to. Anywho...

I don't know why they fall for it everytime. They already know I'm not giving up the box, but they eat it up (no pun intended, lol) everytime.

Today I weighed in on Old Head and The Drunken Munchkin. I always like to even things out, hit up one in NY, and one in the DC area. One in Jamaica, one in Atlanta.

I like things balanced like that.

So anywho.

I hit up Old Head on the 'book. I call him Old Head 'cause he's like five years older than me, and still uses old school ass words like "twat" , "trap" , "cock", and "cutty".

I decided to mess with him since he changed his relationship from:

"It's Complicated" to "Single"

*word to the wise-- if you know your relationship is shaky, don't even advertise that joint on facebook. when Iam Anass shows up on my minifeed "Iam Anass is no longer in a relationship" I giggle, go over to your girlfriend's page who's page reads "It's complicated" and then gaffaw.

Sooo I decided to leave Old Head all types of flirtatious shit today.

It's not that I'm a homewrecker. It's more like getback. See, I used to tap that a while back until suddenly without notice he decided he wants to be in a relationship with this chick. According to him, he would have wanted to be with me, but she lived closer.

Lamest excuse I've ever heard.

Whatever.

But as always, I keep my game face on, and never let these hos/n---s know how it is I'm feeling, and keep shit pressing. Anyway, he throws a birthday party, and she's in the building. He goes to introduce us, and I hold out my hand to shake hers and the bitch turned around and walked off! Tres rude!!

See, I don't get some females. So what I used to smash that? You got him now, so there's no need for beef and bitch-like behavior towards me. This has happened to me more than 4 times that I can recall. None of these chicks should see me as a threat.

A girl should always want for her man to kick me to the side so he can be with her.

Because I have too much pride to allow him in back into my special place after that kind of nonsense.

And by my special place, I do not mean my heart.

I'm talking vagina, ya dig?

So ever since then, I don't respect her, and I make it a point to behave as inappropriately as I can towards Old Head.

Why? Cause I can. Besides, I'm completely harmless.

Then I text the Drunken Munchkin. We're talking about how we haven't seen each other in the gym lately. Well, actually I do see him. I just make it a point to not go over and say hi because I know he'll never stop talking. So I get up in his head and tell him I peeped him, but he didn't see me, and I might have to tap that again. Bwahahaa-- soo not true. So he texts back "you know I been trying to hit that again for the longest".

That'll never go down.

What can I say? I'm an entertainment whore. Plus its nice to know that there's always someone out there who wants to fuck you.

Even if you don't particularly want to fuck them.

So even though I'm hardcore celibate, sometimes I scroll through my phone to see who I'd tap one more time for old times sake.

There are only 2 of them, as I am picky, and my sex standards are higher than the Empire state. Plus, there aint all that many of them anyway. :-(

One is a definite no-no... and the other...oh snap... he's a definite no-no too!

Let's name them. I'll call one of them El Capricorn, since he's mixed with everything under the sun, and he is a Capricorn. The other one, let's christen him Thick-Brown-AMAZING.

This n--- El Capricorn be smashing out hos all the time, recapping it with me...plus he's married, one kid with his wife, and with another baby on the outside. He's my ace though; I just can't go there with him again.

I'm cautious about men whose sperm I know is in working order.

But aside from allllllladat, his dickgame was mindblowing. I smashed this in like 2003, ONE TIME and it's still that damn memorable.

Fellas, when you put it down, put it down PROPER. Because six years later, some old empty-pussy broad like myself might be recapping on the shit. LOLOL!

Sooo..

Thick-Brown-AMAZING... chiiiiile... I need a damn moment of silence for his dick.

*silence*

He's one of those men that...

*puffs imaginary clove, exhales*

swings his dick so damn good, you lightweight wanna share it with your bestest homegirl, just so she can have this experience of a lifetime as well. Thick-Brown-AMAZING is well-skilled in giving out multiple orgasms like its nothing, and has been blessed with the ability to knock the bottom out as well as rub the walls. Rare shit.

I never planned on hitting this (contrary to popular belief among frienemies) but when I did, it was quite a pleasant surprise. It was like seeing an Iberian Lynx. (Go'n and click that there, for those of you who don't know what an Iberian Lynx is)

He always made me feel like if I never had sex again, it just might be ok.

Perhaps this is why the 1 year and four month celibacy really isn't all that terrible??? Damn him, and his Iberian Lynx dick, damn him!!

Unfortunately, I can no longer depend upon neither El Capricorn or Thick-Brown-Amazing, as they are now responsible for navigating their respective wives/ g/fs vaginas---

(well, El Cap throws his dick everywhere, so not really him)

.... so I'll just tighten up the chastity belt and keep it moving with my memories.

Alright folks, enough dicktalk. I'm going to sleep. Got a meeting with school officials for one of my kiddies I tutor. Should be interesting.

xoxox-monie!

shorty be babblin'- Grad school, etc..

Grad school is harder than folks let on. How some of my friends have managed to get their Masters degrees whilst just living in the DC area I will never know. Everyday I marvel at how having to move back home to Borningsville, USA for a little while was a blessing in disguise. In. Deed.

I know I would have never gotten any work done while I was down there.

Well, I dunno maybe.

Because I for damn sure would not be doing as many online classes.

Being in a classroom setting is great because its filled with people that have logorrhea (yup; just what it sounds like, verbal diarrhea-- and many of them really do be talking shit, literally) and by the time all the incessant talking is done, the teacher forgets to even assign homework. At best, I had 2 papers in one class for the whole semester.

On second though... maybe the online is better.

If you follow me or know me, you know how I feel about babbling bastards who have nothing to say. In a nutshell, they should all be put on an island alone.

When I first started going to grad school there was this Ethiopian man who had an arguement for everything the teacher or anyone else had to say. He made me contemplate committing suicide every Monday nights from 7-10 pm. And for some strange reason, he took a liking to me. He used to offer to drive me home, but as tempting as it was; I never accepted. Because even though I had to wait on busses and/or trains to get home to Silver Spring-- meaning by the time I waltzed into my apartment it was quarter to 12---I would rather ride metro in silence and sometimes violence (ya'll know that Green line is dangerous).

If I had to evaluate my life again, I would so attribute many of the panic attacks to my commute and that Ethiopian man alone.

I digress.

These online classes be trying to break a bitch. Every other week there is a paper. I guess they're out to prove something. And I'm cool with that. I'm out to prove something all the time... but I don't try to kill mafuckas in the process.

Conspiracy? I dunno... I thnk it might be another one in my long list!

And while I do enjoy writing; I only like to write about mainly crazy/silly shit, hot dick and music. Oh, and liquor. Very limited, yes. Does that make me ignorant... I'm still undecided. :) Kidding.

School does in fact appeal to my intellectual side. I actually take pleasure in learning new things, and displaying my best work in order to get those A's that I do. PIus I am in love with marketing, branding, copywriting, and the whole bit.

2 more semesters, ya'll... this summer, and fall, and that's it.

The biggest celebration will commence after it's all said and done.

I shall either rent a party bus or tables at whatever club is popping down in DC at that time. I want strippers, alcohol, midgets, the whole nine. I deserve it. All of you in the DC metro area that read this are welcome to come along.

I was supposed to be using this hour for a break from writing my literary review, but instead I used it to write. How backwards is that?

I've been working all morning anyway. I think I'll treat myself to a Bali Hai clove and a hood novel. I don't know why I'd read, when I've been reading all day all night the past few weeks. I need new hobbies. :(

-xoxomoniexox0