It's Been a Long Time; I shouldn't have left you..

Muffinssssssssssss!!!

I have missed Blogger turr'bly! School and life done caught up to my ass. School is finally over, and I am glad to inform you all they will be sending my MS degree in the mail because this bitch Monie does not do graduation ceremonies.

Can't wait to frame that bitch and put it up in my living room though, aow!

Say hello to my adopted daughter ya'll:



I've decided to affectionately name this child in my head , "Lil Baby KeyLontay". I've seen her all over the web and facebook w/ no parent to claim her. Imma take her in. She can keep Byron and Dinka company.

Anywho, other than that, DC is DC...although right now I'm in Jamaica w/my fiancee' right now.

Yeah.. we've got lots to catch up on-- I promise to speak on this. Just know that I am insanely happy, the relationship is extremely healthy, my man LOVES me to no end,and I love him back. And I can't leave out the fact that he is fuckin' fine as hell. Like seriously, a lot of times I catch myself staring at him like , damn, I snagged you?? I adore him.

But back to DC.

Although I don't have no crazy club shit (only been once since I've moved), there are still tales of insanity though.... because my neighborhood is an interesting place.

We’ve got loads of teenaged gay boys walking around wearing booty shorts , boi pussies on display and shit.




hair flipped w/ tons of Pump it Up Spray



or Jerri curls



(yes, we have young boi-hos rocking jherri in 2010, clawdhe'pme please!)

and sometimes two strand twists.

I absolutely adore them for being brave enough to walk out of the house like this. Whenever I'm walking to /from work... or anywhere else, since I'm the Super Pedestrian out this mafucka... they make for great laughter.

We also have a teen tranny here in Southwest who is nicknamed “The Mayor”. I found this out at Open Mic Night at the library (keep reading)

And a baby nicknamed “Ay-ay”too … don’t ask.


This place is just…something else.

*blank stare*

Now let’s talk about the library for a bit. See, I've spent quite a lot of time there for the past few months, and every time I've gone in and left back out, I've been..welll... astonished for ack of better words.

Historically (and often in the present) libraries are a place of quietness where one can go to ready, study, think… quietly. But here in the SW part of the district, the whole “Shhh…this is a library” factor--- simply does not apply.

Like for real. Do not try to go there and get homework done because you will be interrupted by:

- Open Mic poetry from 5 til closing on Mondays
- (Tuesday and Thursday that m/f closes at 5)
- Wednesday is Chess Club and Movie Night from 6-closing , full with a pizza dinner, cookies, and fruit punch and it is LOUD, LOUD, AND MO’ MUTHAFCKIN LOUD.

Tuesdays and Saturdays were the only day I was able to get homework done which meant I’d have to wake up and be there for 9 am until 5:00 PM.

But it was still pretty loud:

- Random old bitch reading books and sucking old food out of her teeth *barf*
- Pre-teens and teens Myspace hoing it up.
- And just loud, loud, loud chatter

And one time an old man sitting at a table in front of me was kind enough to bend over and crank a fart so loud I thought the earth was going to move. He turned around, simply picked his shorts out of his ass and didn’t even bother to apologize. I was too through after that.

I will not go back....other than to pick out trashy hood novels like Brelon and Baldhead Marie to read for sheer entertainment. . Go'n and click dat dere and try to find her blog on that topic. You will fall the eff out.



I shall be back later w/ more updates though.

Ciao muffins!!

_monie!*

hey blogbabies!!!

i've been scarce. here enjoying Jamaica for the third time around this year. partying, minimal drinking, a smattering of mosquito bites... and #4 is back up in the mix.

*blank damn stare*

yeah, i know.. but a chick got needs. also, i have to give credit where its due.. he's been coming out the pockets for me since i got here. i guess he learned his cheap ass lesson. ya'll remember the cheap shit he pulled (go'n and click that there). however, #4 has quite a few aliases...and shit like that gets me to wondering. keep reading, i'll get to that later.

I flew in Wednesday, and Thursday my favorite cousin came to stay with me. we haven't seen each other in 5 years (she's been in England), but it was just like old times.

On Friday #4 took us out to the go-go/dancehall club (Scrub-a-dubs) and we had the best time and lots of laughs and jokes. We ended up sleeping over his house because he cussed out the security guard lady and then she cussed us all out and told me i couldn't have my guests stay because i have a single occupancy room. so now thanks to him anytime i have an overnight guests, i can't just be cool w/ security, i gotta pay $15 for every over night stay.
ugh.
that shit is gonna add up. so im lightweight torn between staying and finding somewhere else to stay. i will make up my mind on thursday though. i think what i'll do is just get a double occupancy room once my week is up.

oh yeah. lemme tell ya'll about #4's aliases. So, Saturday after him, my cousin, and I came from his house, we're catching a taxi and he's talking on the phone. My cousin hears him tell the person "It's Ryan."

Hmm.

So he gets off the phone and cuz is like "Your name is Ryan?" and he's like "My friends call me Ryan." And then he gets kinda quiet. Now, he aint never told me about no other name so i'm like, interesting.

today he left his i.d. in my room and what i believed to be his first name AINT EVEN HIS FIRST NAME! wtf?

now, i'm not tripping too hard because when i first started talking to him he did tell me that this name was his middle name. either way... some mafuckin lying is going on .

and i don't too tough like that shit.

i feel like i'm gonna find out a lot in these 3 weeks...
Carmen Sandiego is on the bloodclaat case. Whaaaaa? Shutuppppp. :/

however... he's still beating it up. i know, i'm a Slore, sue me.

He laid me the fuck OUT on the kitchen floor of my hotel room thursday night... and lets not even talk about last night... or this afternoon.
*in my New Orleans drawl*
Baby....


all i can say is he slang dick like he was born to do it. i'm convinced there's a scientific link between canibus and dickey rides.

*wipes brow*

Well, I'mma run along and get in the shower. We're supposed to go to this bar. No doubt I'll be washing my hair tommorow...cause he sho nuff gon' mess it up tonight. LOL.

To my new followers, thank you! And I can't believe I'm at 204 followers! Ya'll make a gal's day :D

besos!

Vacay Trollopfication and Bust It Baby Bags

JA trip is going good so far. Lots of rain so not as much beach time. Still have yet to do my jet skiing though :(

And sooo...

Thursday we hit this club called Jungle, Boyfriend #4 and I. We had much fun, like we usually do when we go anywhere. After the club, we went to the spot.

Ya'll know we got it in. We went back to the same mosquito factory we went to the first time we got it in because this other cutesy spot we wanted to go to had no rooms. :(

Maybe tonight if I'm lucky?
Hehehe

Anywho, we get up in there, and Boyfriend #4 does some shit I absolutely hate.

He turns on the tv.

Ughhhh!!!

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you know you're about to fuck, and a dude either starts with the incessant talking or they turn on the tv. Now Boyfriend #4 knows I hate this, so he calls himself compromising by throwing a sheet over the tv.

Um, no.

Mind you, since not too many channels worked on the bullshit satellite tv, it was set to Chinese news in English.

That shit ain't sexy!!

I really wasn't in the mood for arguing, so I went into the bathroom, undressed and came back to the bed.

We gets to laying it down, kissing and all that, and then something really stupid was uttered by Boyfriend #4 about him wanting to "breed me" and when were we going to have a baby.

Where my imaginary pet donkey at?

*Pet Donkey steps out into the light and brays*

Hee haw, hee haw, nigga, hell naw!

Me: I don't think so.

Him: Why?

Me: I can give you a million reasons. One, I need to get my career in order, my schooling finished, and a whole lot of other shit. And you need to get yourself in order too. PUT ON THAT CONDOM.

I'm glad he took heed and didn't push.

I am also glad to inform you I bought my own Magnums with me, and I am glad I did, because you know why?

*Audience chimes in:*

Why Monie??

Monie pulls out a box of Durex condoms and stomps the dogshit out of the box

Audience gasps in horror

Monie: Because Boyfriend #4 is yet another big dick nigga using Durex condoms.

*Audience boos*

Exactly. We got into a mini-bickering about it, and in the end we were both happy because my 3 Magnums were used, along with his 2 Durex (sue me, I got desperate) and Boyfriend #4 put in some work that made me wanna pull a Beyonce and buy a nigga a shorts set.

If Pochahontas could smile, I think that bitch would be grinning... even right now.

Later down in that morning all we wanted to do was stay in bed, chill, and commence to some more serious fuckin'. We didn't have anymore condoms, so he got up and got us breakfast, some weed for himself, and some condoms, and something that made me like him a little bit more.

He bought me a comb, ya'll.

*swoons*

LOL

Now granted it was a comb I aint seen since my little girl days at Grandma's house back in '91...



But I'm a sucker for thoughtful shit, even if it doesn't necessarily much.

Unfortunately, I got caught out there without my Buss It Baby bag. Let me explain the Buss It Baby Bag to ya'll.

Ladies pull up a chair, and listen keenly:

Sometimes we get caught out there, wanting to have spontaneous sexual relations and we end up at the spot, coming home after day breaks looking like a hot shitastrophic mess, all because we didn't have our Bust It Baby Bag. This used to happen to me all the time when I lived in DC after taking on Iberian Lynx, and coming home looking like I did infact escape from the Jungle. You know what I'm talkin' bout-- having to go home in day old clothes , and having to rock one of his hats that didn't match what I wore, consequently making me look real bamma-like. Took me a while to catch on, but eventually I did.

I digress... so yes... the Bust It Baby bag doesn't have to be big. You can fit the essentials in a small cosmetic purse that can be squeezed into your club bag. If you have a nice sized purse, this works out even better, because you can put together a Bust It Baby Bag Plus and fit a tshirt or wife B in there.

Bust it Baby bag should have:

travel sized toothbrush and tooth paste

1 panty

comb and ponytail holder

Always Wipes

Condoms (he love you cause you got your own)

your MAC finishing powder

plastic shower cap

1 ziplock bag to put the night before's panties inside

Bust It Baby Bag Plus should include all of the above and:

a pair of flats/flip flops (depending on the season)

spandex

t shirt/ wife b

plastic bag for your dirty clothes

and anything else you think you might need that you can squeeze in there. Now you know. If this is ever a topic on Family Fued, you got this, son!


Ps- Bust It Baby Bag Plus is also for the big gals or the gals like myself obsessed w/ having all her fat lay down flat that rock girdles. Speaking of girldles , Sometimes them hos are not a friend. I will blog about this later though.

I digress.

So...the other morning I was kicking myself for not having my Buss It Baby Essentials. I had my wipes and condoms, but no comb, no clean drawls.

I felt quite skeevy after showering and having to put back on my club clothes which were a damn mess. I wore a white top that night and my makeup transferred all on the collar. I had to put back on my 5 inch heels and spandex. Now picture me trying to get back to my hotel at 3 in the afternoon. And yes, the hotel guards mistook me for a prostitute because they couldn't see my ID band under my bracelets. I practically ran to my room for another shower, and to brush my teeth, wash my hair and get clean.

Ugh.

See, how there's always some shit that pops off when I'm tryna be a trollop? I am convinced, I am not supposed to be having sex. I wish I didn't enjoy it so much.

Alright Kiddos, bout to run off to dinner. I'll be back w/ more updates!

xoxomonie!

it's hot outside, and damn if i don't feel frisky, pimp shit--random

True Life- I Wanna Fuck

I don't know what it is, but whenever the weather gets warm... I be wanting to fuck (pardon my hood-like syntax). It's been like this for 13 years now. May of '96 I was just ITCHING to lose my virginity. Funnily enough, I was supposed to lose it to the Drunken Munchkin, but the wrong one came along in June and trumped him. Consider it payback for this. Go'n and click that there if you didn't read it before,lol.

Anywho, this affliction may cause me to get into some shit I don't particularly want to get into.

I mean, I could change my mind, but for now-- I've decided to add The Drunken Munchkin back to my stable.

(Yes, I know I said I was going to hold out for the Jay-z-Beyonce good lovin' , but its taking too long, and I am convinced that men hate me)
Whatever.

I lightweight hate myself for doing this, but he's G.G.D. (Guaranteed Good Dick) and the nastiest trollop I know. And a chick like me loves that shit!

Tuesday night my hormones got the best of me, so I text him some shit that I knew would reel him in:

*Cue in "I Choose You" ; my theme music for the summer*

My mind ran across you...wondered how you were doing? Hope all is well.

He texts back:

Lemme find out I cross your mind...lol..i'm good, what's going on with you?

Me: Lol, yeah you do. In more ways than one *devilish face* Glad to know all is well though. I'm bored as fuck; maintaining, but enjoying it since school starts next week

* Turn my theme music up a little bit more please, Monie bout to reel him in!*

Him: Look at you..bad girl...lol...haven't seen you in the gym lately. you been slaking mami???

Me: I know. This heat be making me frisky. Imma have to find a way to tame that :)p. i haven't been to the gym lately; been in and out of town, but I do taebo and weights etc at home

Him: Damn, I hope it stays hot. You long overdue for a session
Me: I am..u should pencil me in one of these days

*Louder, I wanna be able to hear the phlegm in Willie Hutch's voice as he sangs 'I choose youuuuu, baby'*

Him: Shit, you let me know. I'll put you in in permanent marker!

*GOAL! *

Me: Well when ARE you able to relieve some of my tension?

Him: Damn girl, why you start talking like this when i leave for FL tommorow?

Me: I'm too jealous! And you're killing me right now cause I'm ready to fuck and you about to skip town. When you coming back?

Him: I get back Wednesday

Me: Oh ok, maybe Friday then so you're rested, hehehehe

Him: Sounds good

Me: It does, don't it? :)

*Sigh*

I'm trying to talk myself into changing my mind, but I can't lie to myself: I don't want to. Plain as yogurt, shawty wanna fuck. 'Tis all.

Boyfriend #4 --my JA shorty-- wait, quick explanation--

(boyfriends 1,2,3, don't exist. I allow them to work their way up. These hoes aren't important enough to start back at 1, a la Brian McKnight)

(Why does he look like he's about to catch a big ole wad of cum on his face? Euwwww, nasty!)

*back to our regularly scheduled ho-gram*

I digress, so yeah, BF #4 and I talk almost everyday. Every other day he tells me that I better not f/ck anyone else, and he'll be able to tell if I do when I take a trip back in June.

*Raised eyebrow*

Now, when I got back, I considered keeping Pocahontas under lock and key, special just for him.

But I checked his email (we'll talk about this another day) and saw that he was emailing the next bitch telling her he missed her. She emailed him back, and I read it, hit "Shift K" to mark it unread, and decided to find 6 boyfriends by the end of August.

Not to mention I am sure he's kicking it with other females. My intuition tells me so, and I listen to that joint.

AND let's not forget the fact that he has a girlfriend, albeit estranged (to let him tell it), but still has a girlfriend none the less.

I'm not giving my loyalty to another man unless he proves himself. In the past, I have been loyal to dudes who saw me as nothing more than a jump... not anymore.

I vow to exercise my pimp hand, and treat these dudes like the hos they are. Not to say I'm gonna be out here fucking them all, because more than likely I'm not, but if I wanna smash-- I'm not going to deny myself.

Besides, thanks to Miss Netta, I am aware that there is help in the form of Pussy B Tight, or whatever that stuff is called. Although I'm scared of rubbing foreign substances on Pocahontas, I would do it. Just so I don't get called out. Hehehe

Well, that's all. Im about to go to the movies with Sissie Dearest. Thanks to everybody who reads. It makes me feel special to know that 102 of ya'll are entertained by lil ole moi. Thank you all!

xoxomonie!

Certified Trollop!! Bust it wide open, and I tell him bring it back! Lol

i missed ya'll out there in blog-land!!! :)

Hon-eysssss!!! The celibacy went out the window this Tuesday and Wednesday.

-- i know right---what happened?

That's right-- ya girl gave up the cutty-- and I am glad to say, it was all I hoped it would be, and then some.


you know i'm gonna tell ya'll!! let's see if i can make this an abridged version... you know i don't know how to keep shit short, but i'll try.

anywho

when you're keeping your pimp hand strong, as my dear friend often says, its quite easy to get carried away and eventually cut something. Check this:

I had one cutie for each shift up in my face the past 9 days, but it just so happened that his spot (9-11pm dinner time) was kinda free. As you will see,sometimes the shifts overlapped, but none of the men worked in the same area of the resort. there was even one for the late night if i'm not out at the clubhouse shift, from 11-7 am.

• 7am-3pm- G.
  
• 8 am-10am (during breakfast): C
  
• 8pm-11, and BEYOND: Black Power (this will be explained)
  
  
• 11-7am- K- he was cool; willing to cut out of his shift and risk his job to take me to the clubhouse because I was pouting after being stood up by my ex :(

then there were others; the guy who gave me the good price for the JetSki ride (i think I'm the only person on EARF to ever ride a jetski in a DRESS and GIRDLE, LMAO) , this other fine ass dude (he made me want to switch resorts, he was so sexy) at the sister-resort that I had to jetski over to to use their ATM, etc. Some names I can't remember. Anywho..

but let's talk about homeboy who took my celibacy, knocked it out the damn ballpark, ran after it, caught it himself, threw the ball up, and smacked it with the bat all on his own.

Clawdhammercy.. smh @ memories..

This is who I refer to as "Black Power". Because when I came that first night (for the fifth and final time that Tues), I put up the black power fist. Yes, yes, ya'll... and its not just because Barack Obama is president.

Literally. I tell you no lies; this kid's pipe game was lunacy!!

I probably would have candy-rained a few more times, but there were only 2 condoms, and ya'll know Monie doesn't condone the unprotected.

#1189- Always carry condoms on vacation, even if you swear you're not going to do anything.


Sooo, who is Black Power? This dude who worked at the resort we stayed at. He peeped me, and I peeped him, cause he was fine, and my eyes don't miss those kinds of things.

Monday_

So this Monday, we get to chitchatting. He's telling me he's been looking out for me since he saw me last week, and now he's finally getting a chance to see me. So after seeing how sexy his smile was, I decide that he, my sister, and I should hang out. I definitely wasn't gonna pass it up, because we hadn't been going anywhere until he came along. ya'll know, i'm ALWAYS trying to shake ass. We meet up after his shift at 11; he's got his homeboy in tow, J, who was kinda cute also.

Sidebar-I fucking LOVE Jamaica... not just for the beach, fun, and rum, but for the men. They are fucking FINE, even though 2/3 of them are TERRIBLE. and i can say this, because that is my culture, so i know firsthand.

i DIGRESS.

anywho, we go out to this club/strip club. its kinda empty, but me and my sister and Black Power got 4 cues of Appletons rum and pepsi and made our own fun.

We talked about damn near everything; he said he had a girlfriend who was studying law who he hadn't seen in 9 months (she lives an hour away; in law school, but they don't see each other? wtf??!!), none of my business though; and was really honest about a lot of stuff, which I respect.


To me, there's nothing worse than a man who lies, thinking that its gonna allow him to smash.

I'm here to tell you... you can get way more box just by being honest.

he's very entertaining and straighforward. Really funny, and creative. All the stuff that makes a fine man, just that much more finer.

So anywho,

His friend had dipped out, and came back, so when he came back, i left him and my sister to themselves, and he and i went and kicked it on the inside of the club.

I just wanna say-- spandex are great. It allows you flexibility for trollop like dance moves. I had on some spandex with this cute dress/top and my rocker girl stilettos.

And the gym is great also. I'm way more flexible than I've been since HS track. I can now balance on my tailbone while holding up both my own legs. Granted, there's a roll of fat when I do this, as I am not down to the size 6 I am seeking, but hey.

A bitch is in pretty good shape.
And I'm on my way, dammit! 10 baby, aow! :)p

Anywho, a lot of sexual insinuation was going on up at the clubhouse, and a dry pussy bitch like I USED to be, was loving it.


Betwinxt all the Appletons and contact weed smoke, I was kinda buzzed. We got home at like 5 in the AM. I kicked it with my late night/early moring front desk boo til like 6 then went to get some sleep.

Tuesday_

I totally unleashed the trollop in me on Tuesday. Subconciously, I knew I would.

*Crickets*

Damn, ok, I knew I would.It wasn't subconsious at all. Why else would a gal wear crotchless Spanx shorts under a dress that stops mid thigh? LOL. Needless to say, we ended up getting up on a room after shooting a bit of pool.

The dick game: LOVELY.

All the mosquito bites I have all over my arms and legs from thrashing around bucket nekkid in a room with the windows open: NOT LOVELY.

*Where's my imaginary cloves at? Lights one up*

He did some shit, that would usually have me running from such a big dick, but he did it so slow and right, ya'll that I will probably replay it in my mind for years to come. Men, some of you do not know the power of working your waist the right way.

Rare shit, rare shit!! Like a Pinta Island Tortoise; go'n and click that there!

Cause ya'll know-- I cherish good dick like that.

He eased me back into the game of hot dick and nuts the right way, because of course the Pochantas was extra tight after such a long time of non-usage. Between him not being too savage and me being wetter than Shaquille O'neal in a sauna-- we made magic.

Wednesday_

And we made more magic again on Wednesday night. He did me so proper, and had me so disoriented I put on my spandex inside out.

I hadn't made plans to tell Sissy Dear that I was in fact getting some pipe, but she oh so smugly pointed out on our way back to our room that my spandex were on inside out with the tag on blast.

To which I replied, "Sometimes, a girl's gotta be a trollop."

Now I'm back home, missing my favorite island. :(

And it pains me to admit that I'm missing Black Power as well. I don't want to have a crush on anyone this quick that lives that far, who does in fact have a girlfriend. I don't care if he sees her or not.

Chemistry can be a bit of a problem under the wrong circumstances.

There is only one other person I've just clicked with, and it turned out to be bad business.

According to him, he and the girlfriend have kinda been over for a long time, and he just hadn't met anyone, and he's thinking it could be me.

*blank stare*

But other than that, life is good. Summer session starts in 3 weeks. I'm about to head to Ohio to see my brother where more good times shall roll. But no trollopcy, I promise!! Hehehee :-)

-monie!