Just because I ain't got no sense..

We all got a creation story.
I'm happen to have the inside edition on a certain rapper's creation story.

Totally random, but hey... you know how I do.

Story time!

I know they didn't show it in the movie but....

Once upon a time, there was some major fuckin' going on in the Land of Oz.

See-- one day, Evilene got all hot and bothered and said "Self?"

Self said "Hmm?"

Evilene said, "I'm gonna see just how well those flying monkeys can fly."

So she got all dolled up, put in her weave pieces , put on her crowns...



and demanded the flying monkeys run up in her. All of them!

Cause the bitch wanted some D.



So the Flying Monkeys smashed. Because, after all, she demanded it. And they ain't had shit else to do while they were waiting on Dorothy, Tin Man and the rest of them mafuckas.


What the movie failed to tell us was there was a twist!

Before Evilene was defeated, unto her a child was born.
He would grow up to be a cocaine dealer and a half way decent rapper.

Wait for it....

THIS


PLUS THIS


"Don't nobody bring me no bad news!"

EQUALS THAT



"Here I am! Ross!"

*Monie laughs herself into oblivion*

I know... Monie ain't got a lick of sense.

Love ya babies!

xoxomonie!

Fuck Off!! Random Hate Mail

*Monie lifts her hands to the sky, and mouths to God “Why?”*

*God shrugs and mouths back “Why not? I love you, now go make your misery someone else’s laughter*

*Mo nods*
And so...

Dear Dr. D___,

I know you see vagina all day, so it aint nothing new to you. However, I’m kinda private about mine. Was it really necessary for your student assistant to be in there while you were doing my Pap smear? I’ve never had an audience before, and to be quite frank, I didn’t like that shit. I do appreciate your thoroughness though. When you asked if any of my other doctors ever told me I had “bulging eyes”, demanded that I swallow , and went on to say that you were going to test my thyroid for Graves disease I didn’t know how to take it.** Something tells me you doing me wrong like this because I have HIP Medicaid. Second class citizen, I am not. Neither is my vagina.

I still feel some kind of way. Next time, lets handle the shit one-on-one. And if you could give me the birth control I requested, that'd be kinda nice too. Thanks Dr. D___, for making my week. :(

Dear BET,

Ya’ll need to do better. Like, really need to do better. This “Played by Fame” business, that “Welcome to Dreamland” shitastrophe-- pure fuckery. Why couldn’t ya’ll pick up The Game from CW? Or give Uncle Jeff a show; one that displays that Black folks have sense? I don't appreciate seeing this type of coonery on what is supposed to be "Black Entertainment Television". When you create shitty shows like this, it sets us back . My calculations say 25 years per shitty show. Let's add it up:

Played by Fame: 25
Hell Date: 25
Welcome to Dreamland: 25
Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is (as much as I hate to say it): 100 years [50 for Neffe, 50 for Frankie]
That's 175 years. Do you know what that means?

The touch, the feel of cotton is more than the fabric of our lives.
Think about it. Again. Do better.

( Thank God for Harlem Heights. It's the one program that doesn't scream "Sambo")
Ps- stop running Menace II Society, State Property II, ATL, and Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I done had it up to here.

Dear Forever 21,

You cuntywhores, you!! I hate your exchange policy. Your accessories and bags ain’t shit. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your handbag fall off your arm in the streets…when it was the first time you’ve ever even rocked it? Then you tell me you can’t refund me because “it’s against store policy??” Go suck your mother!! When I bought the piece-of-shit bag I was under the impression that it would add a bit of joy to my life and oomph to my wardrobe, but I was wrong. I rebuke you, Forever 21.

Dear Dan @ Associates Visa,
I hope you wake up tomorrow with morning wood and piss in your own face. Why would you give me a shitty ass deal, offering to lower my interest rate, and “forget” to disclose that if I accepted I’d be incurring late fees and over the limit fees? Why, Dan? That’s fucked up. I’ll be calling back again tomorrow w/ my “lawyers” on the line. And a refund to my bank account is so in order. Go suck your grandmother through a straw, Dan.

Dear Jerimih,

Or whatever your damn name is. Your song sucks. I wouldn't even wipe my behind with these lyrics if they were set on toilet paper!
Allow me to quote your simple ass:

“It’s your birthday and I know you want to ride out Even if its only to my house”
…oh wait, even better:
“I might just sweep you off your feet And make you wanna tell somebody (body, how I do) somebody body how i do

Pause- I’d be ashamed to tell anyone. I'd have to take Miss Ciely's Paw-Not-Paw's advice:
"You be't not tell nobody but God!
Carry on...

Or maybe we can float on top my water bed

(Pause again- people still have waterbeds? Smh…mmnh, carry on, Jeremih)

you close your eyes as I pry between your legs
We work our way from kitchen stoves, and tables
Girl you know I'm more than able to please, yeah
Say you wanted flowers on the bed (on the bed)
But you got me and now it's on again

* Mo runs over to her imaginary window, pulls the blinds off, and throws them on the ground out of disgust *

Cease, Jermih, you simple simon ass mafucka, cease!!!!

Bitch ass nigga: PUH-LEASE! You deserve an open-handed slap to your mouth; one so great you’ll never sing another set of lyrics like this again. This song is a disgrace to R&B.

James Brown's curl activator is probably drying up in his grave because of you.

Retire, ho. Right now.

Gosh! I feel so much better.

Now I’m about to head on to my slumber. I can rest well now that I’ve gotten all this off my chest.

BESOSBABIES!!

Massengill and Thongs-- Que, What is going on?!

Quick Que! Grab it!!

Ohh douche douche in the mafuggin bush.. smh

Que's vagina has been wide open and inflamed on display all season, and with each episode it's getting worse.


I'm trying to figure out what his damn problem is.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

01. Que is wearing Dawn's thongs. Them mafuckas are riding up in his ass and he can't handle it. It takes a real man to wear panties.

02. Dawn needs a smaller strap on. C'mon it's clear she's the one throwing the backshots. Que's asshole is busted wide open; he's in pain-- and he can't handle it. It takes a real man to get duked in the bum bum.

Awww!! Noah and Wade! I miss my show :,(

But moving on...

03. Diddy pass the Diflucan! Que has a raging yeast infection. It's itching and burning and what? He just can't handle it.

04. Que's on drugs.. which one (s) I'm not sure. Clearly, he can't handle them.

05. Certainly not anything prescribed though, because that may be something he needs to look into.


This shit is just all out of hand. I started to twitter Diddy to tell him to kick his ass out the group, but I couldn't be bothered. Ugh.




I'm turning in early tonight. I'm in a stanky mood. Menstrual. You know how that goes. I'm going to bed... before I start acting like Que.



Except my family ain't as nice as the rest of Day 26.

I would punched in the head. Literally.

xoxo-monie :)

Pigeon Juice: The Shit You Just DON'T Drank!

For Bella (the source of my inspiration this evening) and Pop Pop (who always hips me to the illest dranks)

So let's get down to the getting downs:

So Monie.. .what is pigeon juice, you ask?

Let's have a definition, shall we?

Pigeon Juice (noun): chickenhead libations; oft times consumed in the clubhouse as a choice drink courtesy of male tricks. Similar to hood nigga pot likkah-- see definition
(well, not really. i'll give it to you another day,lol)

So...

A few weeks ago, my sissy and I were chit chatting--reminiscing about a friend of hers who was offered drinks for herself and the two of us in the club.

This trollop oredered nasty ass Hypnotiq. I remember being very upset about it, and trying to pawn it off to a stranger. Of course no one wanted it, so I just put it on a chair and kept it pushing.

*Get out your walking stick, Monie's bout to do a Kirk Franklin-esque stomp all up on somebody's corn toes*

Hypnotiq is really not what's up in the new year. It was alright when it first hit the market, but since then all the hood allstars have picked up on it, thus decreasing its value. For some reason when I'm doing clubhouse examinations, I always see the chickenheads gulping it down or Shawnquavious and his homeboys holding up the bottle in VIP, courtesy of the child support money he "forgot" to pay. (Gigantic F.U. to all the deadbeat dads-- you'll never prosper!)

So uh, yeah, like I was saying, Hypnotiq is a no-no.

Nuvo

what in the piss water sublime???!!!

oooh!!! this joint is atrocious. I decided to try it some time last year since my friend-in-my-head Wendy Williams kept hyping it up.

Fuckingggg. Nasteee.

I'm glad I only bought the small bottle. Never one to waste anything, I emptied that bitch out and put nail polish remover in it.

Now I have a cute little nail polish remover bottle. Nuvo is also uncouth-- as Pop Pop points out, it has a twist cap

Very remiscent of Olde E.

This is not classy at all. I know T. Pain got you all fooled, endorsing the hot shit out of it in the Blame it on the Alcohol video.

But look at him:

Ask yourself a question:

Would you really wanna drink something that he drinks??

Snap ya fingas/ do ya step/ you can do it all by yo selffff

sha na na na na e.coli. ...Let me press forward..

Alize

Somebody ought to elbow- buss you in your mouth piece if you're still drinking Alize. Alize is the ultimate pigeon drank!!

**Make note of how you've seen every color that Alize comes in, in some chickenhead's weave. **

Conspiracy theory!!

If this is still your practice, cease and desist, dammit!!
Plus its outdated. Besides... your mom probably drank it back in her day along with that Asti Spumanti and Bartles & Jaymes. Let's upgrade, folks.

Canei

...and if you're still drinking this shitastrophe, someone ought to grab it from you, and smash you in the head.

This is murder 1 in a bottle.

A twist cap bottle.

Canei is so low-class that they give it to you to drink STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE at the club!!

The pigeons used to be hoo-hoo-ing at this one too. I haven't seen anyone drink this since 2002, thank God, but I'm sure someone's still guzzlin' it.

So Monie, what should we be drinking in the 2009?

Hell if I know, lol :)

However I can hip you to the shit that I drink. I am a biased drinker. Make note of how I mainly drink tequila.

Don Julio Blanco

This is my absolute shit. It's better than Patron, and tad less expensive, even though the quality is better. It's skrong, yet smooth. All you need is a little.

Usually after 2 sips my coochie is bumpin like the Kanye baseline from Love Lockdown.

Dumdumdum-dum

Dumdumdum-dum

...til we lose controllll system overload screamin no no
non-nooooo

(Look how Kanye's sitting down in that corner, looking all drunk-like. Probably had that Don!)

*Note- If you're trying to remain celibate like me, do not drink it in the company of men.

Your clothes. will. fall. off.

Other than that, I drink the various Patrons (reposado, anejo) ; but nothing tops the Don. And! You can mix it with damn near anything. One time I mixed it with orange juice... ooh! slap me now, slap me later! Delicioso!!

Now, if the clubhouse doesn't have my shit in stock (which they usually don't); I'll opt for the voddy (Grey Goose). If the men inside are too ugly to look at, I'll run for the Hennessy. If Hennessy is not in the building

(yeah, I know, how does that happen, but it has) , I'll fuck with Remy.

I never drink rail liquor. DC has taught me it is death for free.

I'd rather transfer the $7 in my savings account to the $8 in my checking to buy top shelf.

Because the bad shit is bound to give you bad experiences:

Dranks I will never fuck with again:

Absolut - no lie, one time I was drunk on Absolute, and did the ultimate crackhead shit. picture it:

5:something in the AM i got out of the bed and had this incredible urge to dance. So I dropped it down low, and brought it back.
And got right back in the bed. After that; never no mo'.

E&J- Gentle Jesus meek and mild, look upon a little child!!! Never again. Absolutely terrible!! (E&J actually should have made it to the pigeon juice list)

Andre Champagne - $5 champagne can never be a good look. Not never.

Jose Cuervo- bottled shit water. I won't touch it. I will not touch it.

anything by Seagrams- Seagrams will make you not want to drink for years. We used to use it for drinking games back in one of my undergrads (yup.. I went to 3 of 'em..shutup) and you wake up feeling like you need an exorcism. It's bad business.

Svedka- nasty. quite. nasty.

Friis- harsh. Do not drink this unless you're in Miami during memorial day weekend. You will be fugggged uppppp for days on end. The good thing about Friis is you don't wake up with a hang.

Gosh... I could be here all night,but I'm tired.

Later muffins!

monie*

If I Were a Ho-- Even Just For a Day...

*Monie stares back at her reflection. Today she's rocking her lacefront wig... feelin' all Beyonce like.*

Then she starts to sang:

If I were a ho...even just for a day...I'd roll out of bed in the morning..grab my box of Magnums and goooooo :)

Naw, for real though. If I could smash the following in the span of one day-- if I could manage it-- I would. Cause they fine! And who ain't fine got education to back it up.

Bachelor #1: Idris Elba



I love him. Our one-sided love affair has been going on since The Wire. He's one of those men that when you see him, you automatically bite your lip. He will make you need Carmax up in this bitch, won't he?

Sexy ass.

He makes my p----y jump everytime. Whenever I feel like my p----y has died due to non-usage I look at Idris and P--y says "Not so, young ho!"



I'd smash that.

I'd smash that on a cardboard box in the pouring rain, homeless style.





Bachelor #2: Hill Harper











Wooo, hold me daddy , in the pouring rain! He's fine and he's educated. Two of my favorite traits in a man. Two out of my long list of requisites for coochie giveaway. I'd knock that down so proper I'd have him screaming the Quadratic Equation. He's kinda short though. :( Under normal circumstances (as of 2006) I won't allow men under 6'0 in my vag, but I'd break the rule for him. Indeed.





Bachelor #3: JD Williams (aka Bodie on the Wire)











*singing in my Bobby Brown-I'm-high-on-X-and-coke-AND-weed-voice*

And I know you're gettin' borrrrredddd/ Chillin with himmm/And I know you miss my lovinn/my thuggin/thug lovinnnnn (repeat)





I've always like JD. Since I was in High School watching Oz. My lust is strong, ya dig. I loved him on The Wire as well. He usually plays the thuggish, arrogant, asshole type; which I'm attracted to (we'll talk about that another day). Typecasted like a muthaf/cka, but whatever JD is in.. I'll support it. And I'll try to keep my hands out my pants. LMAO. For real though, J.D. could get. Yes. he. could.





Bachelor #4: David Banner


When I first saw David Banner, I was not impressed. He wasn't all that aesthetically pleasing.
*Here come Pastor Goodfoot, my mental Baptist preacher... *

But, then. I say-- I say, but THEN!! I caught a glimpse of his country corn fed sexy ass on MTV a few months back... *Organist tears it up; Pastor fans self*
Lol...sometimes I just have to take it there. Anywho...

And then I heard he was a few months shy of completing his Masters... splash waterfalls!!

I would LOVE for him to knock it down the most actually. And if he couldn't "put some dick in my world" ; I'd settle for him whispering the words to "Play" on the phone to me. Plus he just has the look. You know the look. Like he would Taebo the shit out of your p---y.

I'mma leave David Banner alone; cause ya girl still has a paper to write...woo chile!

So yeah, that's all for tonight. I was gonna include Tristan Wilds young ass... but that ain't right. I'll wait til he hits 21 :)

Deuces
s.dior :)

Trey Songz Got That Work-- Another Tale of Hot, Groupie Sex

Smh..the things people do with their vaginas… I will never understand.

I never looked at Trey Songz as a sexual being before, no matter how much freaktastic stuff I’ve heard him sing about. And I still don’t. When I saw him at Winterfest last year I actually guffawed when he ripped his wife-b off.

He looks like a baby duckling with cornrows, and ain’t nothing sexy about that.

But… apparently, someone likes it. Thanks to Mediatakeout.com’s groupie tell-all, we now know that “Trey got that work!” Sometimes when you take chances, it turns out not to be all bad, huh?


Go!


Well the Ritz closes at 5 am we left round 3:40. Im like y’all lets try to get in through the back.. but s*it security was there too.. so we turnaround an Trey an his home boys come out (his friends was on some ugly shit too). Trey like whats good.. i aint know who he was talkin to but he was like come here.. so i get over there an he talkin blah blah long story short we exchange numbers.. He invited us to his hotel room.. we get patted down cause security don want camera phones in there..

Stop

What in the Kaplan Learning Center is going on???? What kind of sentences are these? What the f/ck? I really don’t like people who can’t construct sentences. Scratch that, I hate people who can’t write a proper sentence or haven’t a clue about grammar. But here this simple bitch is—about to share her simple ass vagina with Trey Songz, yet doesn’t realize that there’s a difference between turn around and turnaround. I can’t… I just… let’s keep going…

It’s a good thing stupid isn’t sexually transmitted.

Go!

so i get there an he like what up.. i was like nervous cause it was ah lot of people there an his security guard kept lookin at me funny... anywho trey takes me into a room.. we get in there an i know what bout to go down.. trey got that WORK!!! His d*ck is sooo good! He lay me on the bed an was jus talkin an shit.. He get his condom out or what ever an put it on an shit.. he like yo turn around so I turn around or whatever, i can tell that his favorite position.. He told me he like thick girls cause he like to look at they ass from behind.. once he put it in i thought i was gone cry it was so good.. he was putting his fingers in my hair.. trey dont like weaves..

Haaaaaaaaahahaha---STOP!

This poor lil chickenhead. I wonder how thick she was? I can kinda see him smashing out a big girl. We all know how the skinny menfolks get down.

I’m glad Trey (I can call him Trey now, right? I feel so familiar with him and his dick now “or what ever”) was smart enough to use a condom at least.

LOL@ Trey don’t like weaves. Ho, please. They all say that. It’s a lie. Men LOVE weaves! But I’ll get into that another day. Keep readin’.


Go!


so after that we do some ol other shit.. but gettin to the good parts he lifted up an started kissin my belly he had put my legs on his shoulder.. he was kissing my thighs real soft an shit.. so my mind goin crazy.. then he kissed my belly again then my cl*t.. trey ate my p*ssy an i swear on my momma he do it better then anybody!

HALT!!

Monie throws down her imaginary chair; it lands with a thud

# 27: Weekends were made for Michelob… and head game was made for wifey and sometimes sideline ho (not to be confused with Buss Down) —and that’s IF you’ve been kicking it with sideline ho for longer than 3 months or if you’ve known her for a year or so.

Some shit is left to be sacred. Unless of course you noticed a little twinkle in her eye or something, and Groupies and Hos’ eyes never twinkle.

Because the last nigga’s semen is stuck in it.

Do better, Trey. Do better

Go He was like real slow wit it.. I make it to where u feel like u need it to live.. Well he was doin that then he started kissin it.. Trey ah real FREAK yall I’m so serious... anyways when we was done i left an he was make sure u get at me yo.. but i think he got ah new number cause I aint heard from him since . oh an im 19

Stop
She should have left the last paragraph out. If her coochie was so live, he would have given her the new number. Shame and scandal, shame!!!

“You Dumb Fuck”—A Post Groupie Love Interjection

Mediatakeout.com left me shocked, appalled, and teeheehee’d out today!!

Who would have thought that the taxi driver in Coming to America would have been sooooo ahead of his time when he uttered:

YOU DUMB FUCK!

RED LIGHT


“Soo...i get to his room.. o keep in mind. i caught a cab and he said he was going to pay for it.. which he should .. it was about 40 dollars... this nigga wouldn’t even come out to bring the money, he was like come in and get it... i was like fuck it so i go up to get the money, he's all talkin about some "you dont need to pay him... he dont know where you at" im like noo thats wrong , so he goes thru his jeans and pulls out 35 crumbled up dollars ( wtf?!?!? R U BROKE ALREADY?!?!) STRIKE 1!!!”


*sigh* In the beginning of her email to MTO she states that Bobby V “wasn’t her type”, so I don’t know why she went to his hotel room in the first place. And if she’s a gold digger its time for her to toss her shovel ‘cause she’s going about her digging all wrong. Dumb Fuck should have been out the door at the first tell-tale sign of brokenness: crumpled up dollar bills.

#694: You can tell a lot about a man by how their money looks when they take it out their wallet/pocket.

..but moving along…

Green Light

“Sooo ne ways .first off he comes to the door in his size xxs boxers with some gay print on them....he's ashy from head to toe...we lay in his bed and he is all trying do stuff im like no ..i dont know you .. all types of shit to get him to not touch me..”


RED LIGHT!!

This was by far my favorite part. The visual person that I am, I pictured him just suffering from chronic C.D.R. ashiness (chalky, dry, and reptilian) standing in some boxers, meanwhile his hair was jherri curl wet, like it always is. Priorities all wrong. ALL WRONG!! Smfh…

Green Light

“Soo he's all up in my face with his morning breath n shit....yuck!!! .... so touch comes to rub i ended up wanting to test it out ...we gets it in ..this nigga is about 2.5'' long and 1 inch thick.. like a 9 year old asian boy...seriously...it felt like a tampon going in and out.. actually a tampon would have been more pleasing...

He isnt necessarily a minute man, but the ish was weak ..he didnt know what he was doing and in no way had a good stroke... he tried to switch it up but he just didnt do it right ...yuck!!! strike 2,3,4,5,6,7,-100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..”

RED LIGHT ON A LEFT HAND TURN TYPE RED LIGHT!!

Dumb Fuck touched it; hell, Dumb Fuck even rubbed it… after doing a Stevie Wonder analysis, she knew it was small…why would you let him “beat beat beat beat beat?” Where’s the self love? Why would you tolerate funky breath, CDR, brokenness, AND WACK AND DRY PENIS?!!

If she killed herself, I would so understand.

That’s why my #1 life rule is as follows:

DO NOT POUR “THE ‘TANG” OUT FOR JUST ANYONE, ESPECIALLY THE WACK AND DRY. You can’t pour it back in the pitcher once you’ve poured it down the drain.