Livin' the Dry Life

Bloggymuffins! How art thou?!

First, I'd like to thank all of you who have been following, both new and old, leaving comments and all of that. I read each and every one, but I'm barely able to respond these days. After I finish a day's work on the computer I can't even bear to look at Blogger or any other site. Ok, I lie. I lay in bed and facebook it up. It's pretty much the only contact I have w/my old friends back in MD and other parts of NY. Good news though. My Blackberry Tour comes today, so I'll be on here more. Yay!

But yeah, it means a lot to me to know that ya'll get a tickle and a tee-hee out of my wierd-ness. Also, I'm going to see if I can archive my entries as someone asked. Thx for all your comments girlie! :)

On the personal side:
DRIER THAN GUCCI MANE'S LIPS ON A COLD, ALASKAN DAY.

Brrrr!

I wish this mafucka would find a cocobutter cure, or something.


Yea.. not much going on over here. Now that K is trying to launch her business into a full service salon, we don't get into too much fuckery these days. Plus, now that I don't drink I find myself questioning the types of live fuckery before my eyes in the clubhouse.

Like-- I went on Sunday with my sister and her friend to this joint in Brooklyn:


*breathing in, i am breathing in...*

Now, I hadn't been to Caribbean City in like, over 5 years. All's I knew was that Bobby Konders & Jabba still played there on a Sunday. Bobby & Jabba usually do their thing so I reasoned with myself that although this was not Manhattan, and many of the mafuckas up in there were bound to be sub par... I'mma go head and go. Just for the sake of my sister; since she hasn't been out much since she had the baby.

We leave out after midnight and I arrive at Caribbean City around 2. The line is short, which is good, as it was colder than a prostitute's titty in the winter time.

The security search is borderline molestation, and something comparable to airport search. Yes. The make you put your purse in a basket; they go through it thoroughly and then hand it back for you to put everything back in order.

So...I'm getting ready to make my way inside when the coat check nigga demands I take off my cute little faux-leather jacket.
Nawwww, nigga, fuck you.

I ain't putting my batwings on display for nobody!

So yeah, I told him I didn't think so, made a motion of hands over my body and told him it was part of my outfit. He backed off and let me go inside...

and inside looked like...like.... Shanquantifon's basement bash.
Wtf. I had heard there were renovations in there, and it looked 10x shittier than it did before.

Disastrous, ya'll hear me??!! And the people in there knew nothing about clothes and matching them for the seasons.

• I saw hos in flip flops
• Hos in sling back sandals
• One bitch had on her Club Socks... you know, the chicks that are like "I have these corns and know I have no damn bid'ness wearing these pumps, so I'mma just take 'em off, hold 'em in my hand, and lounge in my barely there dress and some ankle socks"
• One bitch had on some lumberjack arm warmers and knee high houndstooth socks.

and the #1 sin for the night: big woman, like atleast a size 24 wearing a halter top and skirt, NO BRA, tittyballs just'a hanging down low like whoa. TWO DIFFERENT COLOR(blonde and black) AND DIFFERENT TEXTURE WEAVE... and dudes were putting it on her like she was hotness.

*breathing out, i am breathing out...*

I have sworn off clubs (again). I would love to have like, weekly game nights, but some of the folks I know here in NY-- I wonder if they really even know how to read. I damn near need the Rosetta Stone just to decipher their text messages/fb statuses.

Seriously. I went to school with some real Leap Frog Learn To Read type bitches.


For instance, I saw the following status update from a high school chum:

hey fb, i'm so board the hubby wen t to play basketball and the little one is gone for the hole week my aunt wanted to spend some time wit her but i miss her already smh...


No, no, bitch, I am shaking my head.

Yeah... I'm supposed to play Scrabble and Tabu, etc, with folks like that?? I don't think so. I have a better chance playing a game of Spades with my 2 year old nephew, my cat Dinka and my imaginary baby chicken, Byron. I think not.

What else, what else...

Oh yeah. Sex life is sketchy too.

D/m is actually pretty busy and I understand why now. Like I said, I have been trying my best to have actual conversations with him. He's working on getting a degree in Occupational Therapy, not a Masters in Finance like I thought. So he's got to study like crazy. He started explaining to me what he was actually studying for, but that damn logorrhea problem he has became so overwhelming I just asked to see one of his textbooks.

I was impressed. He basically has to learn a whole bunch of doctor-type stuff without having a background in science, so he's got to work double hard.

So between both of us working on bettering ourselves education-wise... there's not much time for relations the way we like to have relations. The last time I got the business from him, we went in for two rounds and I didn't get in until after 4 am. The next day I received all types of hate texts from him complaining about being tired at work. I figure we were even since I had to get up and perform Dr. Miracle type wonders on my hair to head into Manhattan.

*shrug*


So yeah, as you guys can see...life's good, cause I'm alive..but it is, as my Cali folks would say, "hella" boring.
And that's all... Lator Gators!

i'd fuck 'im and other random shit

"i'm too live, nasty as i wanna be"- jay z

well dammit, me too Jigga.


i'd fuck:


Willie Day 26




Hose me down, Daddy! I watched that "I'm gon put it on her" video yesterday, and Willie looked gooder than a hot Toll House cookie with a side of milk and a napkin!!
Willie could get it butt nekkid on a sack cloth in a barn yard.
He makes you just wanna bathe in some Petite Nate and spread eagle!

(Yeah, my fellow 80s babies remember Petite Nate, the bath time groove, lls)

*this is Jean Nate. apparently Petite, Jean's baby cousin done got discontinued*


anywho...

additionally, i'd fuck (in no particular order):


nate parker pride, great debators




he got that big ass nose, but his teeth are gawgeous! And. He got a phatty. I saw it in Pride, and there it was again while I watched the Great Debators. He got one of those nice asses that sits on high, and don't drop too low. You see his joint, and wanna do a pelvic thrust; cause you imagine how good it would feel to hold it in the palms of your hand while he's on top of you.

kevin phillips also apart of the cast of Pride, Notorious

he looks like he could be related to willie. he got that thickness to him that i like. and it look like he packing something. tilt your head, and lean in close. Look at it! Look at that bulge!!


and on the old nigga side; also from the cast of Pride (yo, what's wrong with me!?),

terrence howard



Why? He just looks nasty; the cat-eyed mafucka. He's got that "I'm an asshole" thing going, which I'm very attracted to.
*shrug*
No wonder I'm in the state that I'm in.


So I guess it's a wonderful thing I was not in film production for the movie Pride--- else it woulda been a whole lotta fuckin' and suckin' going on. Bwahahaaaa!! Ahem!!


Moving along...


pimpin' IS easy


word to shaft, as the girl Lil Kim would say, Old Head called asking to be in my stable. not in these words of course, but he knows the deal.

i got a phone call from him this morning asking which number he was. I told him I hadn't placed him with a number because we don't mess, and he has a girlfriend.

he laughed about the fact she was downstairs as he was calling me (trifling), telling me that he's been thinking about what life would be like if he had made it official with me.

*yawn*

I told him he'd never know now. He tells me he wants a number, so I let him know everyone starts off at 5.

Presto! I got #5. when I make my way to DC in July I know I'll be on the receiving end of some HGR (head game ridiculous) from him. He's really great at it; like he's been practicing since birth. this is no big win, as he is an old ho (literally and figuratively).


We shall all celebrate when I reel in some fresh fish, ok?

and then...

i did some type-foul shit


i called up my ex for the trife ass stunt he pulled while in jamaica, and he's still on some pussy-ass nigga shit a month later; acting like he didn't hear me on the phone. this pissed me the fuck off. no lie, the anger i felt was trance-like.


so i text him the following:


u a coward. keep pretending you cant hear when i call. your job is gonna love to hear what i got to say and read what i got to write. it's your turn to be the fool.


i figured i'd fuck with his livlihood. am i going to call and make false complaints/email with harassment shit? maybe not. depends on whether i have time after all my school work and extracurricular shit is done.


naw, honestly, i don't think i will. despite everything, i try to live right. i try to do right, as i consider myself one of God's inperfect children. however, if you knew my history with him--- you'd tell me to go for it. i mean, i knew he'd give me some bullshit ass excuse, but i wanted to be able to refute it w/ lots of "muthafuckas", "bitch ass nigga's" and "you-aint-shits".....just to make me feel like we settled the score, knaamean? besides-- i'm too lazy (and broke) for the type of effort that would take.

Lord, please forgive me. I shouldn't have done it. Help me to stop seeking get-back and just leave his idiot behind alone. Amen.


that's all. i just wanted to express how i was feeling today. confess my sins, ya know? iwuvsyouguys!


besos ninos!
xoxomonie!

The Adventures of Paw Paw

If there's one person on this earth that I can count on to entertain my silliness... and take it there with me, it's Pop Pop. From day one, he's obliged my silly-side, and for that (and other reasons) I love him.

Because most people think my silliness borders on retardation, lol.


Sometimes while he's at work, and I'm doing school work we get on IM and start talking about one thing. Something typed, leads to a joke, and sometimes a damn screenplay. One day we were making fun of the VP of his job, poking fun at the fact that he's old (i know; we're dicks, sue us) , and how he should put him on the list for Old Country Buffet specials.

Look where this one retarded joke took us:

POPPOP (1:17:13 PM): eeeelllo
SimoneDior (1:18:19 PM): what it do?
SimoneDior (1:18:28 PM): you chillin and thangs?
POPPOP (1:19:11 PM): I wish. You know I never chill while I'm here
SimoneDior (1:19:25 PM): true
SimoneDior (1:19:40 PM): i told you to give vp them coupons..then you could chill
SimoneDior (1:19:43 PM): hehe
POPPOP (1:20:24 PM): I tried... but his old ass is out cause he ran over a stop sign in his Buick


SimoneDior (1:21:27 PM): "I like things that I can remember"
POPPOP (1:22:03 PM): LOL

POPPOP (1:22:36 PM): *slowly rolls over stop sign while nodding steadily to Lena Horne playing from his cassette player*
SimoneDior (1:22:42 PM): (lMFAO, not the cassette player!)

SimoneDior (1:23:13 PM): *feeling good; turns it up, and runs through a red light*
SimoneDior (1:23:34 PM): *leaves 3 car accident behind, as Lena sings the blues*
POPPOP (1:26:48 PM): LOL

SimoneDior (1:27:41 PM): (lol... i feel an airbag getting ready to pop out soon... he is doing the most in that Buick)
POPPOP (1:28:50 PM): *feels good cuase lena horne is a piece of tail that he can actually remember*
SimoneDior (1:29:00 PM): lmbao
SimoneDior (1:29:05 PM): "piece of tail"


SimoneDior (1:29:35 PM): *rubs his right hand over his crotch*
POPPOP (1:29:54 PM): lol
SimoneDior (1:29:56 PM): *no rise*
SimoneDior (1:30:10 PM): *shrugs and continues driving*
POPPOP (1:30:33 PM): *rubs right hand over crotch and thinks* "if only you'd wake up" *hangs head*
POPPOP (1:30:42 PM): lol
POPPOP (1:30:43 PM): (lol)
POPPOP (1:30:47 PM): (u stupid)
SimoneDior (1:31:17 PM): lmmfao


SimoneDior (1:31:34 PM): *shakes leg, car swerves*
SimoneDior (1:31:46 PM): Old Man cries: Wake up, dammit
SimoneDior (1:31:59 PM): *Lena wails in the background*
POPPOP (1:32:27 PM): lmao
SimoneDior (1:33:00 PM): uh oh..
SimoneDior (1:33:32 PM): *vigorous shaking and rubbing causes old man to swerve onto the sidewalk, knocking down 3 adults and a dog*
SimoneDior (1:34:06 PM): Old man shakily screams: Ahh-huhuhhh
POPPOP (1:34:22 PM): LOL

SimoneDior (1:34:34 PM): *Buick crashes through Macy*s display window*
SimoneDior (1:34:44 PM): *Penis is FINALLY hard*
SimoneDior (1:34:49 PM): *Lena continues to sing*
POPPOP (1:34:49 PM): LOL


SimoneDior (1:35:07 PM): Old Man: I always knew the old boy still had it
SimoneDior (1:35:13 PM): *Old man hangs head and passes out*

POPPOP (1:36:01 PM): *Old man puts the buick in reverse and looks left and then right* "where am I? I remember there being a Sears & Roebuck around here" *makes a right turn and proceeds to search for the Sears
SimoneDior (1:36:43 PM): LMMFAO
SimoneDior (1:36:55 PM): NOT Sears AND Roebuck!!!

SimoneDior (1:37:20 PM): *circles around the block 9 times*
POPPOP (1:37:26 PM): LOL
POPPOP (1:38:17 PM): *circles the block an additional time and scratches head* "where am I? I remember there being a Sears & Roebuck around here" "makes a right turn and proceeds to search for the Sears AGAIN!*


SimoneDior (1:38:45 PM): *circles block an additional 3 times*
SimoneDior (1:38:56 PM): *calls his grand daughter*
POPPOP (1:39:07 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:39:24 PM): *LOUDLY*
Jenny?!
POPPOP (1:39:31 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:39:40 PM): Jenny: Yes Paw Paw
SimoneDior (1:39:55 PM): Old Man: Wheres that Sears & Roebuck?
SimoneDior (1:40:00 PM): Jenny: Where??
POPPOP (1:40:13 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:40:17 PM): Paw Paw shouts: SEARS AND ROEBUCK DAMMIT, SEARS AND ROEBUCK!!!

POPPOP (1:40:48 PM): Jenny: Calm down paw paw. I don't know what that store is.
SimoneDior (1:40:59 PM): PawPaw: WHADYA MEAN???!
POPPOP (1:41:03 PM): Paw Paw: It's where I bought your first corset!!!
SimoneDior (1:41:07 PM): LMMFAO

SimoneDior (1:41:23 PM): Jenny: Corset?
POPPOP (1:41:31 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:41:55 PM): *Paw Paw angrily hangs up phone. *
POPPOP (1:42:03 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:42:13 PM): I'll teach you to play with me!
I'm gonna wear that hide when i get home
SimoneDior (1:42:32 PM): *Paw Paw shifts and eases his Depends wedgie from his butt*
POPPOP (1:43:45 PM): Narrator: Unbeknownst to Paw Paw, he has shifted his Depends a bit too far and proceeds to drive home shitting in his pants leg the entire way.
SimoneDior (1:43:58 PM): Lmmfao!! you gotta love the Narrator

POPPOP (1:45:02 PM): LOL... I know. He always sets shit straight
SimoneDior (1:45:11 PM): LITERALLY
SimoneDior (1:45:12 PM): lol
POPPOP (1:45:38 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:45:42 PM): *Paw Paw pulls into the driveway, turns car off, opens the door, and puts one leg out to stand*
SimoneDior (1:45:54 PM): *A sea of shit falls out his pant leg*
POPPOP (1:45:56 PM): LMAO

POPPOP (1:46:11 PM): I already KNEW where you were going with that one
SimoneDior (1:46:15 PM): Paw Paw: GABDAMMIT GABDAMMIT GABDAMMIT!!!
SimoneDior (1:46:17 PM): lmao
POPPOP (1:46:58 PM): lmao
SimoneDior (1:47:01 PM): *shouts for his wife*

SimoneDior (1:47:27 PM): PawPaw: ABIGAIL! I DONE MESSED UP MY PANTS AND THE BRAND NEW BUICK!
SimoneDior (1:47:41 PM): *Abigail runs to the porch*
SimoneDior (1:48:04 PM): Abigail: GABDAMMIT GABDAMMIT GABDAMMIT!!!!!!!!! WHO'S GONNA CLEAN UP THIS SHIT!
POPPOP (1:48:13 PM): LMAO @ Abigail

SimoneDior (1:48:19 PM): Not me! Maude and I are going to Old Country Buffet
SimoneDior (1:48:35 PM): Paw Paw: OLD COUNTRY BUFFET???? WITH WHAT MONEY??
SimoneDior (1:48:52 PM): Abigail: my social security like its any of your business
SimoneDior (1:49:06 PM): PawPaw: but you said we'd use that to get a new antennae for the tv
POPPOP (1:49:14 PM): LOL

SimoneDior (1:49:28 PM): Abigail: old slew footed man! Aint you heard. The whole nations gone digital!

SimoneDior (1:50:31 PM): Abigail: I guess I'm gonna have to ask Maude for a ride. You shat in the new Buick!
POPPOP (1:50:32 PM): Paw Paw: Digital? There you go again with your confounded nick nacks and doo dads. Go turn on the HAM radio so I can listen to the lone ranger.
SimoneDior (1:50:42 PM): LMMFAO
SimoneDior (1:50:43 PM): LMMFAO
SimoneDior (1:50:44 PM): LMMFAO
SimoneDior (1:50:55 PM): LMAO@ DOO DADS
SimoneDior (1:51:00 PM): AND LONE RANGER
SimoneDior (1:51:21 PM): *Abigail holds her nose and steps past him*: Lone Ranger don't come on no more
SimoneDior (1:51:27 PM): *mutters*
SimoneDior (1:51:29 PM): Dumb ass
POPPOP (1:51:41 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:51:43 PM): Paw Paw: I HEARD THAT! I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID BOUT WHAT YOU THINK!
POPPOP (1:51:50 PM): LOL


POPPOP (1:52:17 PM): Paw Paw: Huh? What?
SimoneDior (1:52:25 PM): Paw Paw: I'mma teach you a lesson. Im gon, I'm gon..
POPPOP (1:52:30 PM): Abigail: I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING!!!
SimoneDior (1:52:40 PM): Paw Paw: Aww yes you did!
POPPOP (1:52:40 PM): Paw Paw: WHERE'S MY CORN BEEF?!?!
SimoneDior (1:52:46 PM): lmbao

POPPOP (1:52:50 PM): Abigail: What?
SimoneDior (1:52:52 PM): not corned beef, lmbao!

SimoneDior (1:53:10 PM): Paw Paw: if I could bend down I'd throw this shit on the back of your dress!
SimoneDior (1:53:16 PM): I SAY WHERES MY CORN BEEF?
SimoneDior (1:53:18 PM): BITCH!
POPPOP (1:53:36 PM): LOL
POPPOP (1:53:37 PM): LOL

POPPOP (1:53:56 PM): I'm trying SOOOOOO HARD not to bust out laffing right now
SimoneDior (1:54:46 PM): shhhhhhhhhhhh!!
SimoneDior (1:54:47 PM): lol
SimoneDior (1:55:29 PM): Abigail: who you callin a bitch?? U.N.I.T.Y...
SimoneDior (1:55:31 PM): lol
POPPOP (1:55:40 PM): LMAO
POPPOP (1:56:03 PM): Paw Paw: U-N-I-T.... U.... Unicorn????
SimoneDior (1:56:07 PM): lmfao

SimoneDior (1:56:17 PM): Abigail: Unicorn? You fool!
SimoneDior (1:56:39 PM): Abigail: U-N-I-T-Y spells uniform!
SimoneDor (1:56:42 PM): dumb ass!
SimoneDior (1:56:52 PM): Paw Paw: I aint gon be too many more dumb asses
SimoneDior (1:57:11 PM): Say it again.. and I'mma withhold mah johnson!
POPPOP (1:57:32 PM): LOL
POPPOP (1:57:46 PM): LMAO @ spells uniform
POPPOP (1:57:54 PM): LMMFAO @ mah johnson
SimoneDior (1:58:11 PM): lmao
POPPOP (1:58:20 PM): Abigail: Your johnson? I don't even remember what your johnson SMELLS like
SimoneDior (1:58:25 PM): lmao

SimoneDior (1:58:39 PM): Paw Paw: You wasn't saying that last night!!
SimoneDior (1:58:48 PM): Abigail: wasn't saying it last year neither..
POPPOP (1:58:54 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (1:58:57 PM): lol
POPPOP (1:59:23 PM): Abigail: and for the record, last night you fell asleep in church and I left you there. You only THOUGHT you were at home.
SimoneDior (1:59:31 PM): (dizammmn!)
SimoneDior (1:59:32 PM): lmao
SimoneDior (1:59:54 PM): Paw Paw: NOW WHAT NOW?!
SimoneDior (1:59:59 PM): left me there?
SimoneDior (2:00:13 PM): You were probably off with George Lucas
SimoneDior (2:00:18 PM): giving him the poontang!
POPPOP (2:00:30 PM): LMAO
SimoneDior (2:00:33 PM): I aint forgot bout that time you cheated on me!
SimoneDior (2:00:38 PM): i ain't forgot
SimoneDior (2:00:39 PM): I ain't
SimoneDior (2:00:42 PM): uh..
SimoneDior (2:00:45 PM): what was I saying?
POPPOP (2:00:49 PM): LOL
SimoneDior (2:01:00 PM): Abigail: Lawd, keep me near the cross!
SimoneDior (2:01:24 PM): Abigail: move out of my way you shit tank! I gots to go!
POPPOP (2:01:44 PM): Abigail: I ain't forget about you either. Wagging your junk in front of Esther tryin to make it hard. You couldn't do nuthin anyway but it was THE PRINCIPLE.
SimoneDior (2:02:07 PM): lmmfao
SimoneDior (2:02:16 PM): (m in here DYING)
SimoneDior (2:02:54 PM): Paw Paw: She liked it though!
SimoneDior (2:03:03 PM): Abigail: Esther is blind, fool!
SimoneDior (2:03:15 PM): Paw Paw: SUMMA MA GUN!
POPPOP (2:03:16 PM): LMAO

SimoneDior (2:03:19 PM): lol
POPPOP (2:03:22 PM): (Now I'm in HERE dying)
SimoneDior (2:03:40 PM): i've GOTS to post this story in my blog one day
SimoneDior (2:03:43 PM): this is heedamnlarious
POPPOP (2:04:11 PM): yeah... I think it'll be hilarious
SimoneDior (2:04:16 PM): definitely
SimoneDior (2:04:41 PM): Paw Paw : So you really ain't gonna clean up mah shit?
SimoneDior (2:04:43 PM): lol
SimoneDior (2:04:47 PM): (sorry, i couldnt resist)

POPPOP (2:05:01 PM): LOL

SimoneDior (2:05:11 PM): lol
POPPOP (2:05:17 PM): Paw Paw: U... ur.... ur gonna clean mah shit!
SimoneDior (2:05:23 PM): LMMFAO

SimoneDior (2:05:36 PM): UR..UR GONNA CLEAN MY BUICK

LMMFAO, hot mess. Love you, Pop Pop. I'm still waiting on you to update your blog.. uh, yeah, thanks.

-Monie