More Groupie Sex Tales- Jim Jones

Dammit, man! Backstagepazz.com -- ya'll are making my summer out this bitch!


Soooo, I made up a new game, ya'll. It's called "What the Fuck". Very similar to my usual red light-green light, but its 2009 so I figure, hey, why not do some new shit.

Today we're talking about the penis of Joseph Guillermo Jones or as we all know him, JIM JONES .

Scuse me as I let out my niggadom ; you know, that hood side that all of us have-- white folks, ya'll ain't exempt!

*Monie pops open a bag of bodega potato chips (UTZ! ) and sets it beside her Tropical Fantasy- Colt 45 cocktail (lmao), and turns up the volume on her bootleg Dipset's Greatest Hits CD. *

Jim Jones, this basket of Chlamydia... ugh. Let's get started shall we?

*In my best Cam'ron voice*

KILLA!!

Jim Jones came to my city on a tour with another rapper. I went to the show with my sister and a couple of our friends. I was a lil intoxicated and ended up losing everybody I was with. On some ol' humbug type shit, I just really asked one of the security guards if I could go backstage....my outfit was pretty hot (lol). I was backstage just walking around and stumbled upon Jimmy and Freaky Zeaky, Jimmy asks me "what I was doing" so me I play the dumb role and was like " I lost my sister", you know the damsel in distress, lol.
He asked me to come and chill with them, I'm like "you sure?" He like "yeah", so I'm in there and next thing you know he pulls out some money and I must admit he was holding that night so I'm like "can I have some?" He like "what you gonna give me?" I'm like "whatever baby" so he cash's me out and we are fucking on a table, he just bent me over the table and hit it from the back for like 5 mins, and then put me on my back with one leg on his shoulder(while his dude is watching).

Everybody all together now: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Money for sex, what we call that, ya'll?

*Dumb mafucka in the crowd shouts out "Ballin!"*

Naw nigga, try again.

That's prostitution.

Who says the world ain't fair?

It is.

Look at that: a dirty ass nigga for a dirty ass bitch. She got bent over a table while his friend (probably Freeky Zeeky handicapped ass) was watching?? Lmao, all I can see is one of them fold-up lunch tables from back in middle school and someone bent over getting pounded out.

Nastiness.

Jimmy Jones, you dead wrong for that shit. And Imma set Handicaps Welfare Association on your ass.


Smh.

Carry on Groupie:

It was alright though....you will not believe this guy put his finger in my ass!!!!!!!! I wasn't feeling that at all but hey its his dime. I must admit he's a sweaty muthafucka and he was talking shit too like " you like this bitch" I must admit I kinda liked it...the talking not the sex cause my butt was sore for a couple days!!!! I thought that he gave me like $600.00 but it was more like five something, tell you the truth though...I would have let him get it for free,lol. If he wasn't sweating so much I think it would have been better. Sweaty Ass!!

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

I say, one mo' gain: WHAT! THE! FUCK?!!?

*Monie pours her Tropical Fantasy-Malt Liquor cocktail on the ground. The rental white carpet in her apartment bursts into flames. Quickly, she sprinkles the Utz chips on the fire in hopes to out it, but the flames rise up higher than Sam Jackson on crack in Jungle Fever... is this the end??*

Nah.

For real though, I have some questions.

1- Somebody please tell me: what was "alright" about this entire situation? You get pounded out over a table for five minutes while someone sticks a finger in your ass for roughly $5-bills? Houston, we have a mafuckin problem. Where is the self love out here?

*Monie sadly watches the self love float off into oblivion*

2- I need these bitches to have higher standards for sex. Imma share some of mine:

I definitely need more than 5 minutes. 35 minutes, one or 2 hours with breaks in between, yeah. 5 minutes, fuck outta here.
You give me 5 minutes, I promise I'll shank you, tell all your friends (and my friends too) and then the rest of your life from there on out is fucked up.

Because I can't get back the Tang once I pour it out the pitcher; you will NOT be playing w/ my shit.

If he's sticking his finger in your asshole and "you ain't feeling that at all" tell him to stop. If someone is doing something to your body that you do not like/ particularly care for, tell that nigga to halt. Or do something that has always worked for me: punch him in the chest. Hard. Yup, punch that mafucka. And tell him to step off as you put on your clothes and walk up out of there/ demand he drives you back home.

3- Jim Jones is out of shape. Badly. He's pouring down excessive amounts of sweat after 5 minutes of fucking? I guess sticking your finger in someone's ass really works up a sweat, huh?

*shrug*


Yeah, no thanks... I'll pass. And if he wasn't sweating so much she thinks it could have been better? BITCH, HOW????

I am too through.

There needs to be a Dipset intervention out here...

and that's all, folks.

Groupie Sex Tale: MAVADO & the Two Hundred Dollar Ho

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"You're NEGATIVE, honey."

What.


A.


Week!!!





So if you've been following, you know that I recently went to go get blood work done after my visit to the GYN and I was freaking out because of the condom mishap w/ Drunken Munchkin.

Tuesday I went to the lab so they could draw blood and all that great stuff. However, I couldn't take not knowing my status another day. Tuesday and Wednesday I prayed, moped, worried, and complained about whether I was okay or not. My dear sister suggested that since I was so worried about the HIV that she and I go on over to Planned Parenthood and just take a test. I love her. :D

Today was the big day. Talk about being a bundle of nerves. I had the 'rhea (diarrhea) all morning, couldn't eat, just a ball of nerves; reading my Bible and constantly praying.


Thank goodness for Tales From A Groupie because it distracted me for a bit.

And is now one of my favorite blogs to read in my pastime.
I read one helluva story about Mavado. Wrote a blog about that, I'll post it after this.

I digress--

Anywho, my sister and I go to Planned Parenthood. Everyone in the waiting room is looking on edge. One girl called up whoever gave her an STD right there in the middle of waiting room and told the guy, Billy was his name, that she was going to kill him, and that she knew she" got it from him". Then she proceeded to call Billy's mama, ya'll. Everyone in the waiting room looked even more tense after that hot shit.

So they finally call my name.

I go in there, they give me the little pamphlet on the HIV, make me sign a consent form, and show me how to swab my mouth for the testing.

Swab, swab... and then...

I'm waiting what seems to be the longest 20 minutes of my life as the two nurse practitioners so nonchalantly talk about:

• teens with Chlamydia
  
• how Gonorrhea is still in action
  
• Syphillis too!
  
• lipstick parties
  
• the nurse who has been exposing people to Hepatitis C
  

Now, I'm already anxious as a muthaf/ck. Having to hear all that did not make me feel any better. Finally the timer goes off, and the Nurse Practitioner turns my swab stick around.

"You're negative, honey."

Best three words I've ever heard in my life.


I feel the need to share this story because all this time I've been going to my primary care physician thinking that they've been testing me for HIV during my physicals. I just heard from my therapist that it has just become apart of mandatory blood testing this year in the State of New York. Why? New York, you doing it all wrong, son!!

For the most part I have been socially responsible. I've had unprotected sex with 3 men in the 13 years I've been having sex, and that one condom breakage.... however, you never know where someone else has been and what they've been doing.

Life and good health is something precious. From now on me and whoever I have a sexual relationship with will be heading on over to the Planned Parenthood before anything pops off.

And if I have vacay sex, that ain't nothing but a thing. My older sister works in HIV/AIDS outreach down there. We can go together.

I feel like I've been playing Russian Roulette and lucked up.

From now on, every 6 months on the 16th of whatever month I land on, I'm going for an HIV test. Even if I ain't poppin' off, I'm still going to go. That means I'm due to go January 16, 2010.

There's nothing like knowing. Tonight I can rest peacefully. I pray the lab tests don't show anything bad either. I should know about that next week or so.

Besos Muffins!!


♥ Monie

GET TESTED, YA'LL!!

it's hot outside, and damn if i don't feel frisky, pimp shit--random

True Life- I Wanna Fuck

I don't know what it is, but whenever the weather gets warm... I be wanting to fuck (pardon my hood-like syntax). It's been like this for 13 years now. May of '96 I was just ITCHING to lose my virginity. Funnily enough, I was supposed to lose it to the Drunken Munchkin, but the wrong one came along in June and trumped him. Consider it payback for this. Go'n and click that there if you didn't read it before,lol.

Anywho, this affliction may cause me to get into some shit I don't particularly want to get into.

I mean, I could change my mind, but for now-- I've decided to add The Drunken Munchkin back to my stable.

(Yes, I know I said I was going to hold out for the Jay-z-Beyonce good lovin' , but its taking too long, and I am convinced that men hate me)
Whatever.

I lightweight hate myself for doing this, but he's G.G.D. (Guaranteed Good Dick) and the nastiest trollop I know. And a chick like me loves that shit!

Tuesday night my hormones got the best of me, so I text him some shit that I knew would reel him in:

*Cue in "I Choose You" ; my theme music for the summer*

My mind ran across you...wondered how you were doing? Hope all is well.

He texts back:

Lemme find out I cross your mind...lol..i'm good, what's going on with you?

Me: Lol, yeah you do. In more ways than one *devilish face* Glad to know all is well though. I'm bored as fuck; maintaining, but enjoying it since school starts next week

* Turn my theme music up a little bit more please, Monie bout to reel him in!*

Him: Look at you..bad girl...lol...haven't seen you in the gym lately. you been slaking mami???

Me: I know. This heat be making me frisky. Imma have to find a way to tame that :)p. i haven't been to the gym lately; been in and out of town, but I do taebo and weights etc at home

Him: Damn, I hope it stays hot. You long overdue for a session
Me: I am..u should pencil me in one of these days

*Louder, I wanna be able to hear the phlegm in Willie Hutch's voice as he sangs 'I choose youuuuu, baby'*

Him: Shit, you let me know. I'll put you in in permanent marker!

*GOAL! *

Me: Well when ARE you able to relieve some of my tension?

Him: Damn girl, why you start talking like this when i leave for FL tommorow?

Me: I'm too jealous! And you're killing me right now cause I'm ready to fuck and you about to skip town. When you coming back?

Him: I get back Wednesday

Me: Oh ok, maybe Friday then so you're rested, hehehehe

Him: Sounds good

Me: It does, don't it? :)

*Sigh*

I'm trying to talk myself into changing my mind, but I can't lie to myself: I don't want to. Plain as yogurt, shawty wanna fuck. 'Tis all.

Boyfriend #4 --my JA shorty-- wait, quick explanation--

(boyfriends 1,2,3, don't exist. I allow them to work their way up. These hoes aren't important enough to start back at 1, a la Brian McKnight)

(Why does he look like he's about to catch a big ole wad of cum on his face? Euwwww, nasty!)

*back to our regularly scheduled ho-gram*

I digress, so yeah, BF #4 and I talk almost everyday. Every other day he tells me that I better not f/ck anyone else, and he'll be able to tell if I do when I take a trip back in June.

*Raised eyebrow*

Now, when I got back, I considered keeping Pocahontas under lock and key, special just for him.

But I checked his email (we'll talk about this another day) and saw that he was emailing the next bitch telling her he missed her. She emailed him back, and I read it, hit "Shift K" to mark it unread, and decided to find 6 boyfriends by the end of August.

Not to mention I am sure he's kicking it with other females. My intuition tells me so, and I listen to that joint.

AND let's not forget the fact that he has a girlfriend, albeit estranged (to let him tell it), but still has a girlfriend none the less.

I'm not giving my loyalty to another man unless he proves himself. In the past, I have been loyal to dudes who saw me as nothing more than a jump... not anymore.

I vow to exercise my pimp hand, and treat these dudes like the hos they are. Not to say I'm gonna be out here fucking them all, because more than likely I'm not, but if I wanna smash-- I'm not going to deny myself.

Besides, thanks to Miss Netta, I am aware that there is help in the form of Pussy B Tight, or whatever that stuff is called. Although I'm scared of rubbing foreign substances on Pocahontas, I would do it. Just so I don't get called out. Hehehe

Well, that's all. Im about to go to the movies with Sissie Dearest. Thanks to everybody who reads. It makes me feel special to know that 102 of ya'll are entertained by lil ole moi. Thank you all!

xoxomonie!

Pigeon Juice: The Shit You Just DON'T Drank!

For Bella (the source of my inspiration this evening) and Pop Pop (who always hips me to the illest dranks)

So let's get down to the getting downs:

So Monie.. .what is pigeon juice, you ask?

Let's have a definition, shall we?

Pigeon Juice (noun): chickenhead libations; oft times consumed in the clubhouse as a choice drink courtesy of male tricks. Similar to hood nigga pot likkah-- see definition
(well, not really. i'll give it to you another day,lol)

So...

A few weeks ago, my sissy and I were chit chatting--reminiscing about a friend of hers who was offered drinks for herself and the two of us in the club.

This trollop oredered nasty ass Hypnotiq. I remember being very upset about it, and trying to pawn it off to a stranger. Of course no one wanted it, so I just put it on a chair and kept it pushing.

*Get out your walking stick, Monie's bout to do a Kirk Franklin-esque stomp all up on somebody's corn toes*

Hypnotiq is really not what's up in the new year. It was alright when it first hit the market, but since then all the hood allstars have picked up on it, thus decreasing its value. For some reason when I'm doing clubhouse examinations, I always see the chickenheads gulping it down or Shawnquavious and his homeboys holding up the bottle in VIP, courtesy of the child support money he "forgot" to pay. (Gigantic F.U. to all the deadbeat dads-- you'll never prosper!)

So uh, yeah, like I was saying, Hypnotiq is a no-no.

Nuvo

what in the piss water sublime???!!!

oooh!!! this joint is atrocious. I decided to try it some time last year since my friend-in-my-head Wendy Williams kept hyping it up.

Fuckingggg. Nasteee.

I'm glad I only bought the small bottle. Never one to waste anything, I emptied that bitch out and put nail polish remover in it.

Now I have a cute little nail polish remover bottle. Nuvo is also uncouth-- as Pop Pop points out, it has a twist cap

Very remiscent of Olde E.

This is not classy at all. I know T. Pain got you all fooled, endorsing the hot shit out of it in the Blame it on the Alcohol video.

But look at him:

Ask yourself a question:

Would you really wanna drink something that he drinks??

Snap ya fingas/ do ya step/ you can do it all by yo selffff

sha na na na na e.coli. ...Let me press forward..

Alize

Somebody ought to elbow- buss you in your mouth piece if you're still drinking Alize. Alize is the ultimate pigeon drank!!

**Make note of how you've seen every color that Alize comes in, in some chickenhead's weave. **

Conspiracy theory!!

If this is still your practice, cease and desist, dammit!!
Plus its outdated. Besides... your mom probably drank it back in her day along with that Asti Spumanti and Bartles & Jaymes. Let's upgrade, folks.

Canei

...and if you're still drinking this shitastrophe, someone ought to grab it from you, and smash you in the head.

This is murder 1 in a bottle.

A twist cap bottle.

Canei is so low-class that they give it to you to drink STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE at the club!!

The pigeons used to be hoo-hoo-ing at this one too. I haven't seen anyone drink this since 2002, thank God, but I'm sure someone's still guzzlin' it.

So Monie, what should we be drinking in the 2009?

Hell if I know, lol :)

However I can hip you to the shit that I drink. I am a biased drinker. Make note of how I mainly drink tequila.

Don Julio Blanco

This is my absolute shit. It's better than Patron, and tad less expensive, even though the quality is better. It's skrong, yet smooth. All you need is a little.

Usually after 2 sips my coochie is bumpin like the Kanye baseline from Love Lockdown.

Dumdumdum-dum

Dumdumdum-dum

...til we lose controllll system overload screamin no no
non-nooooo

(Look how Kanye's sitting down in that corner, looking all drunk-like. Probably had that Don!)

*Note- If you're trying to remain celibate like me, do not drink it in the company of men.

Your clothes. will. fall. off.

Other than that, I drink the various Patrons (reposado, anejo) ; but nothing tops the Don. And! You can mix it with damn near anything. One time I mixed it with orange juice... ooh! slap me now, slap me later! Delicioso!!

Now, if the clubhouse doesn't have my shit in stock (which they usually don't); I'll opt for the voddy (Grey Goose). If the men inside are too ugly to look at, I'll run for the Hennessy. If Hennessy is not in the building

(yeah, I know, how does that happen, but it has) , I'll fuck with Remy.

I never drink rail liquor. DC has taught me it is death for free.

I'd rather transfer the $7 in my savings account to the $8 in my checking to buy top shelf.

Because the bad shit is bound to give you bad experiences:

Dranks I will never fuck with again:

Absolut - no lie, one time I was drunk on Absolute, and did the ultimate crackhead shit. picture it:

5:something in the AM i got out of the bed and had this incredible urge to dance. So I dropped it down low, and brought it back.
And got right back in the bed. After that; never no mo'.

E&J- Gentle Jesus meek and mild, look upon a little child!!! Never again. Absolutely terrible!! (E&J actually should have made it to the pigeon juice list)

Andre Champagne - $5 champagne can never be a good look. Not never.

Jose Cuervo- bottled shit water. I won't touch it. I will not touch it.

anything by Seagrams- Seagrams will make you not want to drink for years. We used to use it for drinking games back in one of my undergrads (yup.. I went to 3 of 'em..shutup) and you wake up feeling like you need an exorcism. It's bad business.

Svedka- nasty. quite. nasty.

Friis- harsh. Do not drink this unless you're in Miami during memorial day weekend. You will be fugggged uppppp for days on end. The good thing about Friis is you don't wake up with a hang.

Gosh... I could be here all night,but I'm tired.

Later muffins!

monie*

PSA- Stop Getting Married and Having Kids Just Because

Hey muffins out there in Blog land! I know I've been scarce; but my school work has been CRAZY. University of Maryland's online classes are NO joke. Bella, Bee-- love your blogs. Thanks for reading even when I'm playing hookey from my own blog :)

Bella, thank you for your award! I enjoy your blog so much. I live through just about all of you; and it's fantastical!


Soooo.....


Sometimes Facebook is a happy place. Other times-- the shit is a travesty. And I'm not talking about the new layouts (even though it's part of the reason I end up seeing these shitastrophes). I'm talking about the ugly mafuckas from high school...who have become even more uglier with time... that are getting married and having children.


*Slams hand on imaginary pulpit, and does a Baptist-preacher-esque spin*


While browsing through pics, I saw the ugliest little baby. Folks, you gotta be careful who you have sex with. A California Raisin just may tumble out of your vag in the next 9 months.

Baby looked just like that. I tell you no lies. And as I'm clicking through the pics I also see that someone I know is getting married to this girl who looks like a Yo Gabba Gabba. The green one.

Men-- long hair ain't everything. I swear some of ya'll will date the ugliest chick and think she's the flyest cause she has long hair.


Long hair,don't care I guess.

*shrugs*


So after seeing that shit, I had to write the following PSA:

Stop Getting Married and Having Kids Just Because

*Jay-z’s “Public Service Announcement playing on instrumental. Monie puffs on her imaginary Bidi and creates smoke rings*

So some of us are approaching our mid-late twenties. We all get that itch to want to get paired off, and partnered up for life.

[Yes, even me believe or not]

However, some folks are going about this in the wrong damn way.
Some of the hos (unisex) you are marrying look like a tsunamic shit storm. And then ya’ll add more shit to the storm in the form of these little mucktar looking mafuckas you call children.

I beg you: stop getting married because you feel like that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Stop making California Raisin looking babies for the sake of income tax checks.

Do Better.


Simone Dior...and I approve this message.


Ugh. Be easy, kiddies. Have a safe weekend. :)

xoxomonieoxox_

Happy Barack Day, Online Dating, and Blog Crack

i love my president!!!!! and not just 'cause he's black... HE'S QUALIFIED. i may not have a lambo with rims to brag about.. but this right 'chea... TIMELESS.

But of course something crazy had to happen. Right in the middle of the inaugural prayer, I get a text message from them hos at Sprint:

As a reminder, payment is now due. Please use the payment envelope mailed with your bill or pay online at Sprint.com


You would not like to know how badly this pissed me off. Because I'm a fan of conspiracy theories. And today I have another theory:
Sprint targeted me on purpose. Because I'm black. And they wanted to steal my joy. They knew how much I wanted to actually use my phone today to make incoming calls and they hit me with this crap. They must have heard me while I used my phone that one time yesterday, happy to be unemployed right now, just for this purpose.
But during a prayer!? Woo!! The devil is a LIAR!! He came in the form of Sprint, but it's all good. I paid them hos. Let's hope my money gets transferred into my Checking on time before I get hit with charges from that other devil's spawn..Bank Of America.I always have issues with phone companies and banking institutions. Go'n and click that there.

Plenty of Fools Dot Com

SO yeah, I've been home taping /watching the inauguration and talking to my homeboy Paul, whom I haven't spoken to in years. Like, we've shot emails here and there, and facebook'd once in a while, but as far as a phone convo, four years! He ain't big on the phone thing either, but when we get to yapping; it's pure laughter. P-- if you ever become privvy to my blog-- you make my heart smile. and my face too. But I feel like P is gonna get me in trouble.
He done convinced me to join plentyoffools.com (plenty of fish). I was thinking about joining e-harmony (because as you know, I'm a fickle bitch, and I never see/meet anyone i like) and this is free, so now maybe I can get a feel of how online dating is. I'm not getting any younger and I already have one cat. It's time for CHANGE. Word to Barack. Hehe!

So far I'm not impressed. It seems like no one on there knows how to construct a sentence. I'm prejudiced against ignorant people. If you can't construct a sentence... you can't get an ounce of my time. Read this, and you tell me what in the grey poupon is going on:

SINGLE 25 YR OLD BLK AND PR MIXED....I LIVE ON MY OWN NO KIDS...I HAVE A CAR AND A JOB....IM A WAREHOUSE MANAGER I WORK 4AM TIL 1PM WEEKENDS OFF.... SO I HAVE TIME TO SPEND WITH THE RIGHT PERSON......ROUGH OUTTER SHELL BUT OVERALL IM A NICE SOFT SPOKEN GENTLEMEN (BLUE COLLAR WORKER) MY MOM RAISED ME RIGHT SO I DONT MIND PAYING, OPENING DOORS, COOKING, AND CLEANING ETC.... LETS CHAT AND SEE WHERE IT GOES!!!!! MAIN ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE ME (SMART, FUNNY,HUMBLE, MODEST, GRATEFUL, SOFT SPOKEN, CONFIDENT AT TIMES, CHARISMATIC, SHY, SWEET, THOUGHTFUL, CARING, INTELLIGENT, ARTICULATE....

IM MORE PARTIAL TO OLDER WOMEN THATS WHAT I PREFER MORE SO THAN GIRLS MY AGE... ITS NOT A FANTASY I BEEN DEALING WITH OLDER WOMEN ALL MY LIFE..... ONCE IN AWHILE ILL GIVE A GIRL MY AGE A CHANCE SO IM OPEN TO WHOEVER IS A GOOD NATURED PERSON BUT NOT A WILD PARTY TYPE.... I DEALT WITH THAT FROM MY LAST RELATIONSHIP THATS NOT WHAT I WANT!!!! SHE WAS AROUND MY AGE NEED I SAY MORE?

I give this little expirement three weeks. I have never seen men so proud to have their own car and apartment. I mean, I know it's hard to do in NY, but damn!!

P is having a ball with it though. He signed up yesterday and like, 10 minutes later, got a message from this one chick who's ass is huge. I guess that's a good thing for him. She's hard pressed to meet him. P fine and all that, but I don't know if I'd go that hard over any dude. But that could explain the fact why I'm alone? lol

He told me to give feedback on how she looks, and I told him I thought she looked a bit mantastic. I don't see an adams apple, but her features are very... what's the word I'm looking for.. I dunno.. strong. He said he's gonna take a chance and meet up with "it" at BBQ's since it's well lit and has spacious seating, so he can dip out if that's the case. I'm sure I'll be talking about this hot shit later on. Smdh.

Update* - he says its definitely a girl. I'll have more talk on this later... smh

Blog Crack:

Dude, how much do I love everyone I'm subscribed to? They rock and are always a source of entertainment. Semi-literate is still my fav though. Sorry. I play favorites. Sue me.

But, when you have time, click on everyone's blog :)

monie_