Yeah, I Got It In, but...

So Friday night, I did not end up at Prime. Ya'll know what that means, right?

Yup! Trollopfication.

*sigh*

K. didn't have a babysitter (as usual-- which is always the reason plans get left abandoned), so I was set to stay in. Earlier in the day D/m had text me, and left things open, so I wasn't really looking to see him:

Him: Hey Miss *Enter My Last Name*

Me: Hey Mr. *Enter His last name

Him: Whats going on miss?

Me: I should be asking you...

Him: Y u say that

Me: Aint you supposed to service my parts?

Him: You are up for inspection, aren't you?

Me: Indeed. I hope I pass..it's been a while

I don't hear shit from him til eight hours later. As we all know, I don't deal with the fisher price-romper room type of games when it comes to getting my shit off.

So I text him at 9-something:

Me: So...

Him: Just awoke from my afternoon nap

Me: What a long nap. You was drankin??

Him: Now y would i be doing that? Are you in for the night?

Me: Well, so far I am. u?

Him: I am if you tryna see me

Me: I told u i was tryna see u from last week. Stop playing hard to get and shit :)p

Him: Cool, u dressed?

Me: I will be in 15 minutes

(I had already started my shower/shave/scrub procedure from when I first hit him with the text around 9. Talk about being sure of yourself, smh)

Him: ok

Me (about 10 minutes later): Ready when you are

Him: Ok, be there in like 10

So a whole half hour passes (damn, I hate CP time), and he texts me that he's outside. I head out, get in the car, and we head over to his place which is not far. We get in there, of course he's talk, talk, talking away. We talked for an hour and half (yes, I kept my eye on the clock) about basically nothing. So I start getting restless, and ask him if he has anything to drank. He's got rum and coke, I tell him to go get that shit and commence to taking off my pants.

So I can be comfortable while having my drink.

*blank stare*

Also, from past experience I know that if I don't take off my pants, more incessant talking is sure to come.

So he gets back, pours the drinks, I get on the bed, kill my drink and tell him lets get it in.

We won't get into all the lovely details, but I will say being on the receiving end of head for two 45 minute-plus sessions is fantastic.

What is not fantastic is when the condom breaks. :(

After he gets up off me and goes to the bathroom I check myself and see that Pocahontas felt extra wet... so I knew what was up.

We ended up getting into an arguement that went like this:

Me: Did the condom break?

Him: Yeah. It ripped on the side.

This simple Simon mafucka comes back to me holding up the ripped condom.

Me: Shit! Go get me a rag and a towel. Quick! I don't want no fuckin' kids. This is all your fault. You know your dick is too big to be trying to use some Durex condoms.

Him: What?!

Me: Yes, you heard me. Did you get them joints for free or something? Don't you usually have Magnums? I know its a recession and all but damn. I ain't trying to catch no diseases or have nobody's kids.

Him: Me neither. It's not apart of my 3-year plan.

He gives me the rag and towel

Me (inspecting it): Is this clean?

Him: Why would I give you some dirty shit?

I didn't answer him that becuase niggas are trife like that sometimes, and also, I had to get to the important matter at hand: scrubbing Pochahontas with the antibacterial soap and warm water and then peeing.

(As I am typing this I am still pissed. I knew I should've kept my black ass home, I knew it!)

It's a good thing I'm going to Planned Parenthood for my checkup on Wednesday.

Anywho, I go back to his room, and we're in the bed having the whole "disease/pregnancy" convo in more detail. I won't go in. After that I decided that I should dig up old shit and ask him about the time he dissed me when we were kids, and that I still felt salty about it after all these years. He said he didn't think it was a big deal because I never actually told him I liked him, and he just thought we were like best friends, and that he was hearing rumours that I was messing w/ this other kid, in which I had to let him know that it wasn't until after he pulled that stunt. He still disagrees, and is shocked to know this was the reason I didn't talk to him for so many years.

Whatever.


[If I had 20 bucks for the times I've crossed that friendship line with my male friends... I'd be about $60 dollars richer (lol) because they always hit me with that "I didn't know you like me" bullshit. ]

Naw, nigga, I'm just fucking you/kissing on you (etc) because we're such close and good friends.

*Monie kicks all three boo-not-nots from her past in their hind parts*

Smh.

Anywho, I demanded that he apologize to me, and he did. Verbally and... otherwise. Hehehehehe

Needless to say, we ended up exhausted and falling asleep til about 5: 15am.

Waking up, I realized there is indeed a negative side to Daylights Savings time.

During the winter months, one is able to carry on trollopcy til about 6:30 am because it's still a bit dark. Not when Spring rolls around! You better be headed home in the four o' clock hour else you might be spotted. And if your house is set up how mine is, where your bedroom is next to your moms, it sucks.

Because my hair looked like the Rocky Horror Show.

And it just so happened that she was awake because someone tried to break into the house and the police came because the alarm went off. I'm not sure if she saw my shitastrophic hair while I sprinted to my bedroom, but she didnt say anything.

*shrug*

Anywho, because of the damn Durex breakage, I can't even revel on the greatness that was sexual relations that night because I am a hypochondriac. I should have listened to that voice of reasoning when I went to target and waltzed past the condoms.

There were a whole slew of Mags just there for the taking. But because he always used Magnums before (and we ALWAYS use condoms) I just assumed that he was brand loyal.

Apparently not. Now I'm the donkey in the spotlight hee-hawing. Ugh!

Dear God,
Please let me be STI free and not pregnant.

*Sigh*

Later Muffins! I'm going to get a nap in before I start my lil partime hustle.

xoxoxmonie!

D- Day... Maybe, maybe not?

*Monie dances around to Betty Wright's "Tonight is the Night" in her unmatching bra and panties; using Feminine Deoderant Spray as a microphone, she sangs as loudly as she can*

Tonight is the ni-iight/ that you/ make me a womannn...

*Pull the needle back on the record!*

So after deliberating with myself (and K) I'm leaning towards not smashing the drunken munchkin (D/m) for the following reasons:

• he be drunk-- but he shares his liquor w/ me, so i be drunk too; thus negating this reasoning
• he probably still has a girlfriend
• he talks too much
• i need fresh meat (no pun intended) in my stable
• and as per K, "no! no! NO!!"
  

Now as for reasons why i should smash D/m:

• he's a filthy trollop that does all types of nasty shit... shit that i need at this juncture of my life
• it's G.G.D. ; which is quite hard to come by
• Boyfriend #4 is off doing his thing-- my intuition is screaming that he is, not to mention he's not answering the phone as per our routine
• i'm horny as fuck
• this is the week before i get my hair permed, so if he messes it up (which he will), i really don't care

Ah... decisions, decisions...

Boyfriend #5 maybe?

I could always scout out the talent in this dude I went to school w/ who's diggin' me. However, our communication has been relegated to facebook notes only. We've exchanged numbers, and he told me
to call. I don't call men though. Or anyone really for that matter.

*shrug*

I just sent him a text. nice and simple:

You've been scarce on the Facebook. How ya been? ;)

This should be enough.

ooh! i guess it was. he text back. i won't type it all, but a date is in the making. ah, the thrill of a potential in my stable.

You thought DC Metro Area Had Bammas-- Go to Brooklyn

K and I hit this sports bar/ club spot last night...all i can say is, what a waste of a freakum dress, and pain in my left foot from my Jessica Simpson 5 inch heels. Ugh!

Bamma ass hos
Bamma ass niggas
One midget grabbing chicks and winding and pumping on them.

Like, no disrespect to the midgets, but how you gonna try to pump on someone's booty and you barely reach behind their knees?

i aint never been turned on by someone pumping their dick on the back of my knees. Actually, I dont' think its ever been done to me. And I'm quite sure I am not missing out on the "thrill".

• Men who hesitate to tell me their names, and then admit its because they "don't like to give out their government"-- you're wack, and probably married. step off.
• And bottle service brought to you in a chicken bucket... is never good.
  
  Tonight we're supposed to be going to Prime, which is in Manhattan. If I don't go; ya'll know what went down ;)
  
  later gators!
  moniexoxo
  
  

Massengill and Thongs-- Que, What is going on?!

Quick Que! Grab it!!

Ohh douche douche in the mafuggin bush.. smh

Que's vagina has been wide open and inflamed on display all season, and with each episode it's getting worse.


I'm trying to figure out what his damn problem is.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

01. Que is wearing Dawn's thongs. Them mafuckas are riding up in his ass and he can't handle it. It takes a real man to wear panties.

02. Dawn needs a smaller strap on. C'mon it's clear she's the one throwing the backshots. Que's asshole is busted wide open; he's in pain-- and he can't handle it. It takes a real man to get duked in the bum bum.

Awww!! Noah and Wade! I miss my show :,(

But moving on...

03. Diddy pass the Diflucan! Que has a raging yeast infection. It's itching and burning and what? He just can't handle it.

04. Que's on drugs.. which one (s) I'm not sure. Clearly, he can't handle them.

05. Certainly not anything prescribed though, because that may be something he needs to look into.


This shit is just all out of hand. I started to twitter Diddy to tell him to kick his ass out the group, but I couldn't be bothered. Ugh.




I'm turning in early tonight. I'm in a stanky mood. Menstrual. You know how that goes. I'm going to bed... before I start acting like Que.



Except my family ain't as nice as the rest of Day 26.

I would punched in the head. Literally.

xoxo-monie :)

If I Were a Ho-- Even Just For a Day...

*Monie stares back at her reflection. Today she's rocking her lacefront wig... feelin' all Beyonce like.*

Then she starts to sang:

If I were a ho...even just for a day...I'd roll out of bed in the morning..grab my box of Magnums and goooooo :)

Naw, for real though. If I could smash the following in the span of one day-- if I could manage it-- I would. Cause they fine! And who ain't fine got education to back it up.

Bachelor #1: Idris Elba



I love him. Our one-sided love affair has been going on since The Wire. He's one of those men that when you see him, you automatically bite your lip. He will make you need Carmax up in this bitch, won't he?

Sexy ass.

He makes my p----y jump everytime. Whenever I feel like my p----y has died due to non-usage I look at Idris and P--y says "Not so, young ho!"



I'd smash that.

I'd smash that on a cardboard box in the pouring rain, homeless style.





Bachelor #2: Hill Harper











Wooo, hold me daddy , in the pouring rain! He's fine and he's educated. Two of my favorite traits in a man. Two out of my long list of requisites for coochie giveaway. I'd knock that down so proper I'd have him screaming the Quadratic Equation. He's kinda short though. :( Under normal circumstances (as of 2006) I won't allow men under 6'0 in my vag, but I'd break the rule for him. Indeed.





Bachelor #3: JD Williams (aka Bodie on the Wire)











*singing in my Bobby Brown-I'm-high-on-X-and-coke-AND-weed-voice*

And I know you're gettin' borrrrredddd/ Chillin with himmm/And I know you miss my lovinn/my thuggin/thug lovinnnnn (repeat)





I've always like JD. Since I was in High School watching Oz. My lust is strong, ya dig. I loved him on The Wire as well. He usually plays the thuggish, arrogant, asshole type; which I'm attracted to (we'll talk about that another day). Typecasted like a muthaf/cka, but whatever JD is in.. I'll support it. And I'll try to keep my hands out my pants. LMAO. For real though, J.D. could get. Yes. he. could.





Bachelor #4: David Banner


When I first saw David Banner, I was not impressed. He wasn't all that aesthetically pleasing.
*Here come Pastor Goodfoot, my mental Baptist preacher... *

But, then. I say-- I say, but THEN!! I caught a glimpse of his country corn fed sexy ass on MTV a few months back... *Organist tears it up; Pastor fans self*
Lol...sometimes I just have to take it there. Anywho...

And then I heard he was a few months shy of completing his Masters... splash waterfalls!!

I would LOVE for him to knock it down the most actually. And if he couldn't "put some dick in my world" ; I'd settle for him whispering the words to "Play" on the phone to me. Plus he just has the look. You know the look. Like he would Taebo the shit out of your p---y.

I'mma leave David Banner alone; cause ya girl still has a paper to write...woo chile!

So yeah, that's all for tonight. I was gonna include Tristan Wilds young ass... but that ain't right. I'll wait til he hits 21 :)

Deuces
s.dior :)

life, more ashy penis, dirty panties, et cetera...

christmas day

christmas was cool. ya'll know i'm not big on the holiday in its commercial sense, but it represents God sending down the ultimate gift, his son... to eventually die for a sinner like me. and you, if you thought you were perfect. :) if that isn't love, then i don't know what is. so, thank you God for continual deliverance. thank you for these past 4 Christmases where I haven't had to listen to my dad argue with us so he could go spend time with whoever else. thank you for peace. thank you for JOY. thank you for allowing me to overcome and not be overtaken by the MISERY others want me to believe I should live in. *praise dance*

family ties

so...
the family came over... you know my cousin Opal and her bad ass kids i talk about from previous posts... yeah, them. woo lawd, they're something else. Opal demanded that everyone only eat one serving so that she could "take all the food home." and she literally did. all that is left is rice and peas and potato salad. you know you follow the doctrine of fatassedness when...

anyway her son, nick (my cousin who is in jail) we finally met his 9 year old son for the first time. he's so adowable! and sweet. he knew to stay out my damn way, and i love that! nick is 24 now, which means this child was born when he was 15... making opal a grandmother at 30. oooh, imma leave this alone, cause i could take it all types of places!

dicktalk
yeah folks, miss dickless (that's one of the many nicknames i call myself in my head) is back on the topic of 'The D'. Kia got one more time to brag on how good she's getting the pipedown..ooh!! Sometimes I feel like I'd smack her out of jealousy! So...she's carrying on a semi-scandalous affair. She's messing with her younger brother's best friend. Mind you, this best friend done slept with three of her other cousins; so he's like the family ho. *raised eyebrows*

Anyway, I went to borrow a bottle of Wray and Neph from her mom for my mom, and she's walking like she's got an egg between her legs that she's trying not to break.

Me: What's wrong with you? Why you walking like that?

Her: Girl! Little Rob... he was f/ckin me like he had something to prove!

Me: Was ya'll doing it in the car again? I sure hope not! It's too damn cold out here..

Her:Naw! He came over here on the late night. My cervix is hurting.

But I think it's cause I'm still sore from getting daggered by Mike.
*Blank Stare Blank Stare Blank Stare!*

Me: Damn son. Maybe if you try lifting one leg, it's all about the angle...

Bwahahahaa... guys just bear with me, ok? I know I sometimes talk about things that go against what I'm supposed to be doing, but please be patient with me. God is not through with me yet. (Love that song).

Anyway, after hearing the details about the daggering, I decided to get her opinion on the penis picture mail and whether or not she thought it was ashy.

She concurred, also thought he may have placed the tape measure at __ inches, and told me not to have relations with him if i decide to have premarital relations because I will be in pain the same way she is today. I told her I have no intentions of doing so. i want what they have before anyone inserts anything anywhere. see below:

Something for Nothing

You know, the penis picture mail is already threatening to cause problems. In this life you really don't get something for nothing. And in this case its really effed up, because I didnt even ask this boy for dickflix. He just sent them over to me and I looked because, well... MJ said it best:

And they say why why... tell 'em that it's human nature!

So yesterday I get a text from ASHford Dickson:

*ahahahaaaaaaaaahahhaa*

ASHford Dickson: Your turn for pics.

Nigga what?! No merry christmas, nothing, just that text. I didn't respond. I don't take x-rated pics of myself for several reasons:
01. the possibility of fame. i don't want anyone on my vh1 special saying:
"Aww *Bleep* I remember one time she text messaged me pics of her *bleep* and/or vagina"

02. i'd never send my vagina via sprint picture mail. too many pe0ple i know work for sprint. even though i'm sure they tell us its anonymous, i kinda feel like its not. i don't want anyone up at Sprint saying shit like:

"Damn. Her labia is mad long son!"
Even though its not... yaknawmean? No thanks.

03. i wouldn't want to put my vagina anywhere that close to my cellphone. i let people use my phone all the time. I don't want to be looking at them like 'Damn, my p/ssy juice might be smeared on the side of your face right now.' Euw.

.04. the possibility he'll show it to his friends... you know, the way I showed it to my friend.

05. In order for me to even ponder doing it... I'd have to be in deep love; and yes, this involves the man acually loving me back.

No Dutty Panty

Why outside my world (my bedroom) I hear my mom telling my little cousin:
*In mom's jamaican accent*
"You're not supposed to wear dirty panties! Don't wear a panty more than once. Your mother told me you do it; don't do it here. You mustn't wear dirty panty! "
(This is my little cousin that likes to run away from home from time to time with no clothes. When asked what she does for clean underwear she told us that she'll put her panties on inside out)
*I. Can't. Take. It*

Talk di Tings

Sometimes I feel a smidgen bad for talking about the folks in my life in my blog. But guilt is an evil emotion, so I do what my therapist tells me to do. I rationalize with myself. It goes like this:

I talk about myself in here too. Even the embarassing stuff. If they didn't do these things I wouldn't have to vent about them. It keeps me sane, and allows me to not have to compromise my christianity by telling this or that person, 'Hey, I really think you're an evil, cunt whore/and or/ miserable/and or/ jealous sack of shit' ...or however else I feel at the time I'm made mad.

Therefore...I'll continue to keep it as funky as my cousin's draws up on this blog. Thanks.

facebook rape
some days i wonder if i should just take my bumboclaat off of there. facebook, we used to be so good together. now, we have issues. folks, don't set up groups just to mail out invites. i have a good friend who is now a Kappa. His life revolves around getting drunk and partying, having sex with whichever girl will have sex with him--- and sending out conuntless invitations on facebook. Now all of that except the latter is fine. Now he's starting to intefere with my life. If I get another invite from this Naughty Nupe I'm gonna use that Blackberry pin number he's been posting as his status for the past week and get up in his ass. The shit is getting out of hand now. He's even adding friends of mine and harassing them! it's too bad he's my friend in real life, or else i would have been deleted him.
ok, i think that's all i wanted to press on. i'm gonna go work out. it's been like almost 3 weeks now. not good. i have to preserve my sexy.
in case i don't become famous and end up wanting to show my vagina on picture mail. hehehehehe

ciaobabies!!!