Hey Babies!!

I've sooo been missing writing here. I've been keeping up with everybody via RSS feeds (Bella and Khaki... ya'll SLAY ME!!!), but I've been a mix between lazy, busy, and just plain TIRED. I attempted to move in the blizzard like a dumb ass. Got stuck at the Hilton for a few days, and now I'm in my apartment with no damn furniture. I saw bed bugs on my mattress so my mom advised me to throw everything away. Now I'm awaiting my couch, new bed, entertainment stand...yeah.. basically everything. Yeah... I'm about suffering from uber-brokeassedness.

My new apartment..which I lovingly call the DivaRoom... is nice. It will be a lot nicer when I can sit on a fuckin couch though. My ass cheeks hurt from sitting on the parquet floors. I couldn't take no mo' and took my ass (pun intended) to the library across the street today. It felt so good to sit on a chair.

Anywho, other than that, nada mas. Trying to find a job; finish up this semester and keep it moving. And of course see if I can scrape up some money for a vacay. I totally need one. Yes. Again. I'm high strung, sue me!

Later Gators!

Ain't nothin going on...

Man, I love Jamaica. Even though I'm already pretty much broke. Nothing exciting has happened yet except for one argument with #4. Basically, he got upset because I went clubbing with my cousin, and doesn't like me/us being on the road so late. According to him the only people catching taxis at 1 in the morning are prostitutes. Which very well may be true because my cousin and I got propositioned. Some random dude saw us and yelled out "Business!!" which basically is asking if you're working your pussyhole. *blank damn stare*

Saturday, Cuzzy and I hit Jungle and Scrubadubs and had a blast. Next day I saw my sisters and 2 of my nieces and nephews. That evening #4 and I went for pizza with his housemates who have the cutest little daughter. She speaks nothing but Italian and Jamaican cusswords. After that we came home and #4 and i had it out. He caught me in a lie, because I lied and said we took a taxi home from the club and he told me he saw us come out the car with the dudes. So I fessed up, and told him it didn't matter because he's lied to me many a time and he also be fuckin other chicks and I know from reading his email . We argued for like 4 hours, agreed to disagree and then frolicked in bed for another 2 hours. ;)

Yesterday I was sick as fuck; spent the whole day in bed. I f #4 didn't come home til like 2, and then went back out for cold meds and such. I feel a bit better today.

I wish these people would stop looking at me like I got mafuckin swine flu. Cause I'm about to hit someone with this snotty rag. :/

That's all for now. Catch ya'll later!

Later babies!!

Livin' the Dry Life

Bloggymuffins! How art thou?!

First, I'd like to thank all of you who have been following, both new and old, leaving comments and all of that. I read each and every one, but I'm barely able to respond these days. After I finish a day's work on the computer I can't even bear to look at Blogger or any other site. Ok, I lie. I lay in bed and facebook it up. It's pretty much the only contact I have w/my old friends back in MD and other parts of NY. Good news though. My Blackberry Tour comes today, so I'll be on here more. Yay!

But yeah, it means a lot to me to know that ya'll get a tickle and a tee-hee out of my wierd-ness. Also, I'm going to see if I can archive my entries as someone asked. Thx for all your comments girlie! :)

On the personal side:
DRIER THAN GUCCI MANE'S LIPS ON A COLD, ALASKAN DAY.

Brrrr!

I wish this mafucka would find a cocobutter cure, or something.


Yea.. not much going on over here. Now that K is trying to launch her business into a full service salon, we don't get into too much fuckery these days. Plus, now that I don't drink I find myself questioning the types of live fuckery before my eyes in the clubhouse.

Like-- I went on Sunday with my sister and her friend to this joint in Brooklyn:


*breathing in, i am breathing in...*

Now, I hadn't been to Caribbean City in like, over 5 years. All's I knew was that Bobby Konders & Jabba still played there on a Sunday. Bobby & Jabba usually do their thing so I reasoned with myself that although this was not Manhattan, and many of the mafuckas up in there were bound to be sub par... I'mma go head and go. Just for the sake of my sister; since she hasn't been out much since she had the baby.

We leave out after midnight and I arrive at Caribbean City around 2. The line is short, which is good, as it was colder than a prostitute's titty in the winter time.

The security search is borderline molestation, and something comparable to airport search. Yes. The make you put your purse in a basket; they go through it thoroughly and then hand it back for you to put everything back in order.

So...I'm getting ready to make my way inside when the coat check nigga demands I take off my cute little faux-leather jacket.
Nawwww, nigga, fuck you.

I ain't putting my batwings on display for nobody!

So yeah, I told him I didn't think so, made a motion of hands over my body and told him it was part of my outfit. He backed off and let me go inside...

and inside looked like...like.... Shanquantifon's basement bash.
Wtf. I had heard there were renovations in there, and it looked 10x shittier than it did before.

Disastrous, ya'll hear me??!! And the people in there knew nothing about clothes and matching them for the seasons.

• I saw hos in flip flops
• Hos in sling back sandals
• One bitch had on her Club Socks... you know, the chicks that are like "I have these corns and know I have no damn bid'ness wearing these pumps, so I'mma just take 'em off, hold 'em in my hand, and lounge in my barely there dress and some ankle socks"
• One bitch had on some lumberjack arm warmers and knee high houndstooth socks.

and the #1 sin for the night: big woman, like atleast a size 24 wearing a halter top and skirt, NO BRA, tittyballs just'a hanging down low like whoa. TWO DIFFERENT COLOR(blonde and black) AND DIFFERENT TEXTURE WEAVE... and dudes were putting it on her like she was hotness.

*breathing out, i am breathing out...*

I have sworn off clubs (again). I would love to have like, weekly game nights, but some of the folks I know here in NY-- I wonder if they really even know how to read. I damn near need the Rosetta Stone just to decipher their text messages/fb statuses.

Seriously. I went to school with some real Leap Frog Learn To Read type bitches.


For instance, I saw the following status update from a high school chum:

hey fb, i'm so board the hubby wen t to play basketball and the little one is gone for the hole week my aunt wanted to spend some time wit her but i miss her already smh...


No, no, bitch, I am shaking my head.

Yeah... I'm supposed to play Scrabble and Tabu, etc, with folks like that?? I don't think so. I have a better chance playing a game of Spades with my 2 year old nephew, my cat Dinka and my imaginary baby chicken, Byron. I think not.

What else, what else...

Oh yeah. Sex life is sketchy too.

D/m is actually pretty busy and I understand why now. Like I said, I have been trying my best to have actual conversations with him. He's working on getting a degree in Occupational Therapy, not a Masters in Finance like I thought. So he's got to study like crazy. He started explaining to me what he was actually studying for, but that damn logorrhea problem he has became so overwhelming I just asked to see one of his textbooks.

I was impressed. He basically has to learn a whole bunch of doctor-type stuff without having a background in science, so he's got to work double hard.

So between both of us working on bettering ourselves education-wise... there's not much time for relations the way we like to have relations. The last time I got the business from him, we went in for two rounds and I didn't get in until after 4 am. The next day I received all types of hate texts from him complaining about being tired at work. I figure we were even since I had to get up and perform Dr. Miracle type wonders on my hair to head into Manhattan.

*shrug*


So yeah, as you guys can see...life's good, cause I'm alive..but it is, as my Cali folks would say, "hella" boring.
And that's all... Lator Gators!

it's hot outside, and damn if i don't feel frisky, pimp shit--random

True Life- I Wanna Fuck

I don't know what it is, but whenever the weather gets warm... I be wanting to fuck (pardon my hood-like syntax). It's been like this for 13 years now. May of '96 I was just ITCHING to lose my virginity. Funnily enough, I was supposed to lose it to the Drunken Munchkin, but the wrong one came along in June and trumped him. Consider it payback for this. Go'n and click that there if you didn't read it before,lol.

Anywho, this affliction may cause me to get into some shit I don't particularly want to get into.

I mean, I could change my mind, but for now-- I've decided to add The Drunken Munchkin back to my stable.

(Yes, I know I said I was going to hold out for the Jay-z-Beyonce good lovin' , but its taking too long, and I am convinced that men hate me)
Whatever.

I lightweight hate myself for doing this, but he's G.G.D. (Guaranteed Good Dick) and the nastiest trollop I know. And a chick like me loves that shit!

Tuesday night my hormones got the best of me, so I text him some shit that I knew would reel him in:

*Cue in "I Choose You" ; my theme music for the summer*

My mind ran across you...wondered how you were doing? Hope all is well.

He texts back:

Lemme find out I cross your mind...lol..i'm good, what's going on with you?

Me: Lol, yeah you do. In more ways than one *devilish face* Glad to know all is well though. I'm bored as fuck; maintaining, but enjoying it since school starts next week

* Turn my theme music up a little bit more please, Monie bout to reel him in!*

Him: Look at you..bad girl...lol...haven't seen you in the gym lately. you been slaking mami???

Me: I know. This heat be making me frisky. Imma have to find a way to tame that :)p. i haven't been to the gym lately; been in and out of town, but I do taebo and weights etc at home

Him: Damn, I hope it stays hot. You long overdue for a session
Me: I am..u should pencil me in one of these days

*Louder, I wanna be able to hear the phlegm in Willie Hutch's voice as he sangs 'I choose youuuuu, baby'*

Him: Shit, you let me know. I'll put you in in permanent marker!

*GOAL! *

Me: Well when ARE you able to relieve some of my tension?

Him: Damn girl, why you start talking like this when i leave for FL tommorow?

Me: I'm too jealous! And you're killing me right now cause I'm ready to fuck and you about to skip town. When you coming back?

Him: I get back Wednesday

Me: Oh ok, maybe Friday then so you're rested, hehehehe

Him: Sounds good

Me: It does, don't it? :)

*Sigh*

I'm trying to talk myself into changing my mind, but I can't lie to myself: I don't want to. Plain as yogurt, shawty wanna fuck. 'Tis all.

Boyfriend #4 --my JA shorty-- wait, quick explanation--

(boyfriends 1,2,3, don't exist. I allow them to work their way up. These hoes aren't important enough to start back at 1, a la Brian McKnight)

(Why does he look like he's about to catch a big ole wad of cum on his face? Euwwww, nasty!)

*back to our regularly scheduled ho-gram*

I digress, so yeah, BF #4 and I talk almost everyday. Every other day he tells me that I better not f/ck anyone else, and he'll be able to tell if I do when I take a trip back in June.

*Raised eyebrow*

Now, when I got back, I considered keeping Pocahontas under lock and key, special just for him.

But I checked his email (we'll talk about this another day) and saw that he was emailing the next bitch telling her he missed her. She emailed him back, and I read it, hit "Shift K" to mark it unread, and decided to find 6 boyfriends by the end of August.

Not to mention I am sure he's kicking it with other females. My intuition tells me so, and I listen to that joint.

AND let's not forget the fact that he has a girlfriend, albeit estranged (to let him tell it), but still has a girlfriend none the less.

I'm not giving my loyalty to another man unless he proves himself. In the past, I have been loyal to dudes who saw me as nothing more than a jump... not anymore.

I vow to exercise my pimp hand, and treat these dudes like the hos they are. Not to say I'm gonna be out here fucking them all, because more than likely I'm not, but if I wanna smash-- I'm not going to deny myself.

Besides, thanks to Miss Netta, I am aware that there is help in the form of Pussy B Tight, or whatever that stuff is called. Although I'm scared of rubbing foreign substances on Pocahontas, I would do it. Just so I don't get called out. Hehehe

Well, that's all. Im about to go to the movies with Sissie Dearest. Thanks to everybody who reads. It makes me feel special to know that 102 of ya'll are entertained by lil ole moi. Thank you all!

xoxomonie!

random- accuweather bullshit, and the difference between dick and penis

accuweather bullshit



now is it just me, or do these acuweather mafuckas hype up weather situations to be more than what they really will be? they started up with the bullshit last night about how we were supposed to get a buttload of snow starting then. it didn't snow here til about 11:somthing, and stopped around 2:00. it's approximately...no,it is 3:20, and we have probably less than an inch of snow on the ground. none of it stuck.



just like with that hurricane (ike) this summer in texas. they had us believing the most was gonna happen. they were so excited about it being possibly the worse hurricanes in history. all the weatherbitches and weatherbastards had that 'im-about-to-bust-one' gleam in their eye. and then when it wasn't what they said it would be, they looked so dejected. bitches.

*update... whadya know? Accuweather was half right this time. We have a substantial amount of the white stuff and it did stick. Hmm.

dick and penis-- what's the difference?
and the things you need to know...



i like to think that they are different; kinda like how chris rock (my comedic god father in my mind) says there's a difference between "pussy" and "vagina".

let's break it on down.



penis-

penis is aight. if you were to compare him to dick, he'd be a jc penny's, at best, a macy*s, and dick would be... saks -- no pun intended. ;)

so yeah, penis, does what penis was created for: intercourse and at it's worse, pregnancy. sometimes when you just gotta get slayed, you can opt for penis. it's like methadone.

anywho, there are three categories of penis:



what-is-this?-penis-
its just like you think. serves no purpose. i won't even waste my time going into detail. this is the kind of sex where you stare at the cieling and wonder how you got yourself into such a f/cked up predicament. it's wack, it's dry...but the upside is, it's usually done in less than 19 minutes.

Tools Relief: nan.that's right, "nan" , not even "none".


bland penis-
also, just like you think. the owner of bland penis always feels like he's really doing the most though. sometimes if you're desperate and have no options, you'll lay there, one leg up,taking it, and wishing upon a star that you'll come. if you do have options, you will promptly tell him to step off so you can get up and go on about your b/i.

Tools/Relief: *the rag (for you, not him, fuck him), the drink of your choice (to make you happy), and your cell phone (so you can vent to your bff about how terrible it was)

*(The rag is the moist warm rag that's essential for after you get it in. The rag by no means takes the place of a shower or worse case scenario, whore bath [washing your coochie, ass and arm pits]. You just use it until the shakiness leaves from your legs. Then you really handle your business in the bathroom)

moving on...

i-can't-believe-its-not-dick-penis- sometimes penis will surprise you. and that's where your i-can't-believe-its-not-dick type penis comes in. the thing about this type is, it's not consistent and oftentimes reverts back to bland penis, therefore it can never rise to dick status. :(

Tools/Relief: head scarf, the rag (for you; and if he's of service to you that day, you can share if you'd like)

let's talk about dick now.

man, i love dick!
--- realest shit i ever wrote.

*fans self*


So yes, the best thing about dick is , there's variety. The one thing dick has in common is that it will either knock the bottom out your shit, or rub the walls.

I'm gonna lay them out in order. Make note of how the rag always pops up in the dick category. *Note to fellas-- if the rag makes an appearance, or even a paper towel...and it's used on you...4 stars. you've done well.

Get-Right Dick-
Not always your first choice, but it's tried and true, guaranteed to give you a good one or two sexual erruptions.

Tools/Relief: head scarf, comb, brush, the rag.

Gangsta Dick-
May start off nice, but it does not play around. Gangsta D. operators sex you like they're fighting you. You don't want to deal with this type of dick unless you have health insurance. There's a 89% chance you may get hemmed up, choked , hair from your head will be missing, you may even come close to passing out. You may end up needing medical attention cause you done f/cked around (literally) and tore your damn hamstring. Gangsta D operates no less than an hour. Come prepared with a scarf for your head, because you will be sweating out your perm/press/flat iron.

Tools/Relief:the rag, Ben Gay patch/vapor rub/tiger balm, hot bath with epsom salts, head scarf or hat. don't bother with the other stuff. your body will hurt too much to do anything else.

Euphoria Dick-
Makes you really happy. Something like smoking good piff and then eating a 20 piece Chicken McNugget meal and washing it down with a Large orange Hi-C. (Fatass! Fatass!!) You are happy. You are satiated. You are getting off 4 times at minimum, and your stress is just practically melting away. Euphoria dick will compel you to give back all you can; even if its nothing more than "dick-to-jaw-time" for a good hour and change. And more times that's all you can do, because the rest of your body is tired and it wouldn't be sexy reaching for the tiger balm/vapor rub mid buss-down to rub on your aching muscles.

Tools and Relief: 5 hour nap. Do what you can after that.

Chipotle Dick- Chipotle dick does the perfect mix of everything . Just as the chipotle burrito bol has the right combination of everything, chipotle dick operates like this. Chipotle Dick Operators will pin you up in all kinds of ways, pull your hair, and give you the proper freak down. This is the kind where you leave feeling refreshed and feeling lucky to have a vagina. you have to re-cooperate for at least a day after you get it, and your body hurts in places you didn't even know could hurt. The down-side (just like Chipotle), it's addictive, and you usually can't have it all the time that you want it for various reasons. If your mental state is awry, leave this kind a-lone!

Tools and Relief: 8 hour rest.The rag. Ben Gay patch/vapor rub/tiger balm, hot bath with epsom salts, head scarf, comb, paddle brush, gel, ponytail holder. If you rocking the short and sexy cut, bring a cute hat.

So yup...that's the difference. Ladies go gauge the types you've had. Fellas...ask someone to gauge the type you are. Because there is a possibility that you think you have Chipotle dick, when in all actuality, you posses bland penis.

*Blank Stare*

So that's all for today. There's a margarita with my name on it, just waiting.

lator gators! - monie:)