Conspiracies and shit...

As tired as I am, I feel the need to express myself. Bam, no intro; just read it raw with no vaseline.


Take dat, take dat, bad boys. :/

The following fucked up randoms and conspiricies have crossed my mind lately:

1. The Dream looks like Hamburglar.




2. Flava Flav is Gucci Mane's father. You can't say shit to convince me otherwise.


3. Nuvo aint nothing but Ripple 2009. Lmao @ all ya'll hoodboogas posing drinking it up in the clubhouse.



Designed to destroy all ya'll. Cause I don't drink that shit.

4. An ugly nigga is never worth your time. Or your vagina. You will live to regret it.

5. Neither is one who doesn't take trips to the dentist. You know the type. Teeth look like Reptar from Rugrats.

If he can't take care of his teeth, he can't take care of you.

6. Mario better have some health-related reason as to why he's running around with his head looking like that.


7. Univ. of MD was created to wreck my social life and leave me lonely. Fuck ya'll. I haven't been able to hold a decent conversation with anyone since the beginning of this year.

8. I'm falling asleep ya'll. But the fucked up part is as soon as I hit the bed and turn the lights out, Imma be wide awake like a Bronx crackhead at 5:17 in the morning.


9. Mc Donald's and BET have been conspiring with each other on how they can bring us down as a people.


As a future marketer, I hope I never have to add to the fuckery.
But if I were a total idiot I'd do the following.
Picture it:
*in my Ad exec voice*

Juice Man, Gucci Mane ...dancing! ....I'm thinking jingle... something like....

"Quarter Pounder with cheese/Pickles, onions hey!/ One Dollar Sweet Tea/Apple Pie/Yay!"

Then I'd watch sales go through the roof :(

10. I am going to bed. Because clearly all this work and lack of sleep is making me crazy.

Later All!!
monie ♥

Bitch, Ask Your Husband!

Hey Blog muffins!! I can't even recap the Ohio trip, because the following fuckery occured and trumped its importance. I give to you:

Bitch, Ask Your Husband-- Don't text me with the bullshit. Enjoy!


Let me hit you with the following excerpt from a traditional wedding vow…



Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind. It is intended for their mutual joy – and for the help and comfort given on another in prosperity and adversity. But more importantly – it is a means through which a stable and loving environment may be attained.



Through marriage, Ho Ass Nigga and Illiterate Ass Ho make a commitment together to face their disappointments – embrace their dreams – realize their hopes – and accept each other’s failures. Ho Ass Nigga and Illiterate Ass Ho will promise one another to aspire to these ideals throughout their lives together – through mutual understanding – openness – and sensitivity to each other.


Now, my name ain’t Ho Ass Nigga, and it fa sho ain’t Illiterate Ass Ho, so why do I get asked the following fuckery by Illiterate Ass Ho in the wee hours of the morning??


Picture it:

2:27 am; your insomniac ass awakes to see the following text message coming from some trollop-ass nigga that gave you his number:




“Helo mo y are you textn my husband at 3 am”


* Everybody all together now, chime in audience style: *

“BITCH, ASK YOUR HUSBAND!”

*Family Fued style *ding! * goes off*

Ughhh!!

There I was, not only aggravated by the illiteracy of the text message, but aggravated because she is asking me why I’m texting him.

Now my first reaction was to text-thug the bitch and read her.

The old Mo would have set the QWERTY keypad on fire with something like:

“Because he likes me. He thinks I’m sexy. You should see me. I totally agree.”

or

“What the fuck? You need to go ask your man why he’s texting me back at 3:02 in the morning. He gave me his number, and seems to be unaware of the fact that the two of you are married. You should have a talk with him, and I should not be included, as I am not apart of your marriage union. Clearly, there is something amiss in your relationship. Don’t call or text my phone either because I ain’t responsible for how you're going to feel when we get done talking.”

Not too mean, but nasty enough to warrant drama, which is something I want no part of.

However, therapy has taught me to wait a while before taking action, since I am an impulsive mafucka.

So around 2:30 I politely text back:

“Hello to you…wow! Because he didn’t tell me he was anyone’s husband. Since that’s the case, he can lose my #! Thx!




After all the nice little vows he agreed to, she should be asking him, not me. I don’t owe any explanations because:

I did not take any vows

I didn’t exchange any bodily fluids with him – particularly because he didn’t meet my “looks requirement”... plus it was the week of the 12th-- ya'll know what that means!

Jagged Edge was not playing while I was meeting anyone at the alter in my white dress

My ring finger- nobody has yet to like it enough to put anything there.

Bitch, I don't know you! ( which should be #1 on this list)




I try my best not to home-wreck; I really do. When this woman’s husband was talking all kinds of shit to me, calling me “his wife” (what irony!) I asked him specifically HOW MANY WOMEN did he have. He said he had none. Of course I didn’t believe this, but my thing is this:

Don’t lie. Be honest. Honesty is the biggest turn on next to a big dick and a smile.

There’s plenty of women out there who don’t mind fucking with married niggas (not me).

There’s a vast sea of mistresses out there just waiting to get slayed on a mattress at the Comfort Inn. Just not me.

I think I'm going to call him one last time and refer him to my rules on how to step out on your woman. Go'n and click that there.


I shall also let him reference my supplement Stepping Out: How to Avoid Being A Donkey Click that there when you're done!

Smdh!! Contrary to popular belief, I’m a good girl-- for the most part. It’s just that something about me screams side bitch to these dudes. It might be the things I say. Could be the way I dance. Maybe I got that ho- walk? Either way, I shall discuss this at therapy. And this my friends, is why a bitch can’t ever cease sessions.

Reference:
http://www.weddingplanninglinks.com/planning/traditionalweddingvows.html


ps- to my new followers, thank you!! i shall be reading up and subscribing to you guys!! xoxox monie!

My name is Simone, and I am a Spinster Bitch..who ain't doing shit today!

i am burnt.
the. fuck.
out.

i'm frazzled!! i've been working non-stop off of minimal hours of sleep so that i can get all this shit done before heading to jamaica, but dammit.

a ho cain't take no mo', for the rest of the day...

I AIN'T DOING SHIT!

• I'm gonna do 90 minutes of Taebo (maybe)
• catch up on some more blogs (yesssssss!)
• order something italian and yummy (definitely)
• read a trashy hood novel (fo' sho) and
• watch Stringer Bell and Bodie (mmmmhmmmm :-)

on another note: thank you Rio Tapatio for your blog award. It sooooo made my heart smile:-) i'm always a bit shocked to know that folks are entertained by insanity, lol. i enjoy your blog as well. it makes me wish i were more artsy. fab. and kewwwwl... just like you.

thanks again!

Spinster Bitch: My Worst Fear- A Short Story

I am terribly, disgustingly completely lonely.

Yeah, I said it. No shame in my game anymore.

It has been approximately 5 years since I've had a real relationship. And actually; he was so wack and dry... I don't even consider him.

Of course I've had my fuck buddies, the ones that have used me up and whored me out, lol. and those who claimed to be my man but really weren't--after, in between, once, during...hey, i believe in insurance dick.

Anywho, the point is I'm 26 (shit, round that off to 30 if you'd like) and I have yet to have a serious relationship. EVER.

I think it would be good to have one.
Especially since everyone's getting paired off and having kids. Because that leaves me with no club partners, no drinking buddies, basically no social life. I don't do the third wheel bullshit and my friends' boyfriends have wierdos/psychos/ugmos for friends.

(I don't know what I'm gonna do when I move to DC)

I refuse to have an ugly man. Tried it. Hated it!

Not a good look for me or my forehead. He was so homely I had my eyes squeezed shut the entire time (which felt like forever) to the point I had a headache and a slight crease in my forehead. Ain't that much Oil of Olay and Visine in the world! So even though he was a sweetheart, and would have given me his whole homely little world...
I couldn't do it. So I deaded that.

But...

Am I gonna be that old bitch in the club? Like Kerri Washington in I Think I Love My Wife (sans the overbite, of course)?

I have a sneaking suspicion that's going to be me. And it scares the shit out of me, I can't even lie. I feel like I'm gonna end up just like that. Being fabulous, but opting to marry someone boring and safe, who stimulates absolutely no part of me. Just so that I don't have to live alone in my old age with Life Alert.

Or God forbid, trying to homewreck some married man's relationship!?

Dear God, please don't allow this to happen.

I think about this almost everyday (even when I'm not menstrual) and it makes me terribly sad :-(

I can't front.

I'm one heck of a gal, and it sucks that no one may ever get to know it. *sigh*

My therapist and I agree that I'm extremely picky, and she says that's ok.

I agree with her.

Sheeeeeit, I've been through too much shit to allow some basketcase bastard to come into my life and fuck shit up. Even though a bitch has "coping skills"... I don't feel like using them all the time. LOL Seriously though; I've been through enough. Besides, somebody's gotta be the level-headed one in the relationship!

We think (lol @ "we" ; like she and i are a couple-- hell at this point, we might as well be) that I should consider online dating when I get my driving skills back in order.

(I have a panic disorder, so my driving is very limited)

There's no public transportation here after 6, and I don't trust nan nigga to take me home after I was date raped while I was living in MD.

So get this lameness-- I practice driving to and from Applebees in my town. When I get to the point where I can master driving without feeling afraid or having to drive with someone, then I can join match.com and date.

It makes me laugh to even think that this is what it has all come down to.

And I laugh so that I won't cry that this is what it has come down to.

I'm actually getting sleepy now. I haven't slept since yesterday 8 am.

Probably why I'm putting myself all on blast like this. Oh well.

*shrugs*

later gators :)

wish me luck in cheering up later. thx!

monie xo

Cheap Ass,Date Night?, Old Homo Sighting, and Monie's Jukebox-- RANDOM shit

Cheap Ass Loses... Again

--in trying to make me feel like I lost out on him. i'm laughing so hard as i'm typing, jeez.

So, today I get 2 facebook msgs on my wall AND a poke from my ex...let's call him Cheap Ass.
I always do.

So Cheap ass writes on my wall..twice:

Did you see my video on my page?

Did you see my video on my page?

I use facebook mobile most of the time, so I can't check videos, but more importantly, I don't go on his page. So I write back on his wall:

What video. I'm on facebook mobile so i can't see. As long as I'm not in the video, we good.

So, out of sheer boredom I went on there and checked it just now.

LMMFAOLMMFAO FOREVER. Dude, how much do i LOVE youtube. I found the video!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oo0rq2ZyF0

His friend made a music video and he's the love interest in it. He's all caressing and kissing on this chick who is singing. hot tranny mess. I couldn't stop laughing. Cheap Ass is delusional-- swears I still want him. Why, I don't know. I haven't wanted him since 2005. I haven't spoken to him since 2007. 2009 and ain't a damn thing changed! i'm not into repeating dudes, especially if they ain't fine. and as you can see.. HE AIN'T. I won't be too hard on myself. My swag/self esteem was not up to par at all back then.

I had to put him on ice because whenever I did entertain his conversations, they were all about his new girlfriend who so ironically had the same name as me, how pretty she was, how he was taking her on vacation..bla bla bla. I could tell he always wanted me to be jealous and to care, but I never did. I still don't. Still hee-hee-ing.

Date Night?
There's a question after that , because I know me. I'm a fickle bitch, and more than likely I'm gonna change my mind for a few reasons. Keep reading. So, this dude I've known for a few years wants to go out this weekend. He's cool or whatever, but he's like one of those fat camp kids. He used to be mad fat back in the day, and now that his body is looking right, he can't stop talking about it. It is very irritating and sometimes when I talk to him on instant msgr. i wanna just say Remember when you were a fatass? But that wouldn't work; because he could easily say I remember when you were a fatass too.
Life is unfair like that sometimes.
Thank God for elliptical machines, pilates, and Alli. I vow to never be a fatass again. Amen.

Now the reasons I probably won't go is because, he doesn't have a car, and neither do i. he's gonna get on the train from far rockaway to come here, which is a hell of a train ride, especially in this cold. i'd meet him half way...naw, i wouldn't. let me not get to lying up in here. The other reason I probably won't wanna go is because we'll have to take a cab to go hang out somewhere. And I don't want to. I dunno. I told him to meet me at Guesthouse on Sunday night, cause I might go again, plus it'll be less of a commute. We shall see...we shall see me park my ass in my bed Saturday night, or head somewhere I shouldn't with my partner in crime, K! ;x Naw, I'm gonna just chill with him if he makes effort to come out here.

Old Homo Spotted

The Target by my house is always chock full of surprises. I didn't think that it could get any worse than the time I saw two cacophonous little white boys belting out Flo'Rida's 'Shawty Got Low' in the electronics section... but yesterday it did.

Ain't nothing worse than an old homo who swear he's doing it. Don't get it twisted; Monie loves the kids. Probably watches more Logo channel than anyone else, but this sighting was so sad that I stopped in the middle of an aisle and texted my gay boyfriend.

Picture it.

This coat, but waist length with a tail going around the collar:

These boots

With this hat

Clawdhammercysaveme!! And he was just as loud as he wanted to be. Smdh. I wanted to call PETA on him.

Monie's Jukebox - on repeat

Blame It On the Alcohol- Jamie Foxx feat. T.Pain

Where in the hell was this song in 2006 and 2007 when my partying/drinking days were at its pinnacle? When I needed reasoning for most of the lascivious antics I was going on with? Do you know how much shit I did those two years that could have blamed on the alcohol?? This would have been my theme! I love this song!!

Say You Will- Kanye West

Kanye told Vibe mag:

I don't believe in therapy. I believe you gotta walk it out, you gotta live it out...And sometimes you have to cry it out...I don't believe in medication or painkillers. And I don't believe in religion and giving it all up to Jesus.

Hallejlujah, pass the Paxil! LOL

I can tell, Kanye. Because this song sounds very Washington Adventist-like(padded walls). Kanye, baby, please, don't ever let it come to this again. This is bad. Always take it to Jesus, and keep in mind...a little Paxil never hurt anyone. Because this shit right here...

When i grab your neck, I touch your soul/Take off your cool, and lose control/Hey hey hey hey...

Whaat?! Shutupp! Very eerie. I think I like it because it has a little Marvin Gaye vibe to it. Save that heart monitor beeping in the background. Now what does that say about me? ; x Heyy, heyy, heyy, heyyy, dont say you will... shananana e. coli. mmph!

Anne- Santogold

This is my absolute shit. It sounds like a Prince song... one off of the Purple Rain album, but I can't place it. I'm getting old, my memory only works on Sundays and Wednesdays. Anyway, only Santogold could be howling on a track and make it hot. I like this whole album as well.

Aight, the bed awaits. And the titties need their freedom.