Suck a Dick, Swallow a Kidney Stone-- more Groupie tales courtesy of Backstagepazz.com

Hi my Blog Babies! Again, sorry for being so hit and miss with you guys. Coursework-- the life of a grad student; you see how it goes. No time for anything besides homework and the random sexual encounter.
*shrug*
:)

So, today lets talk about the following fuckery:

Jasun Wiggins



Do ya'll know who he is?

*silence*

Yeah... I don't either.

Anywho... apparently, his achievements include wrapping his dick in the American flag and skeeting off kidney stones in the mouths of random hos.



What in the oral disrespect?? I can't..

Read on.

* Mo lights a bidi, and inhales*

Let's play red light-green light, stop n go. After all, we haven't played in a while, we're overdue.

Green

i was in my 20s when i was deep into the online chat---blackplanet (which is how we met), migente, etc thing. i am not here to dog him out but i do agree that if you have been with this guy then to go and get tested.

Red
Don't nothing good come off that Blackplanet now, does it? Shanananana.
After I read about how careless people are with their bodies I wanna get tested...every bumboclaat day. I'm just sayin... continue

GO

he seemed to be impressed that i wasn't some chickenhead from around the way that was completely naive.

Stop
Chile please!

*Monie's imaginary baby chicken, Byron, enters and starts clucking at his long lost relative*

Alright now, Byron, that's enough excitement. Shut it down.

*Byron quiets himself and goes off in search of some seeds*

Carry on..

Go

his people had cooked dinner and i was invited to get a plate. i noticed that jasun was checking me out as my back was turned to him and obviously liked what he saw. we talked some more and as his people stopped coming in as much we had a quicky. i went down on him and quickly learned that he lived up to his page name. if you really don't think that he's big then your stuff must be stretched out like a limo because he is THICK and has a nice size on him and there is no way i would let all that go in my a$$.

Red

One minute, we're on a food line, the next you're getting plowed out, head bowed down. Oh really now? Smh...

Green

we snuck upstairs to someone's messy room and he bent me over real quick to finish what he had started. i heard people close by so we had to make it real quick but it was a good enough for a quicky. i felt like i was in high school lol. i left after that.

Stop

Uh uh. UH UH. Don't you do that. Ladies, don't let no nigga "bend you over real quick". You and your vagine deserve more. Remember that. Also, who can have sex in a messy room? I wouldn't be able to concentrate. You know, the whole Zen factor and all that. I'm just saying..

Go!

the second time i came across him was through an email one of my coworkers sent me. it was his pic where's he wrapped up below with the american flag.

Stop

LMMFAO @ this Dick-in-a-flag ass nigga. I can't...


Go

everyone in the office was trippin' off him and i was like damn i know him. i told my girl in private that i had been with him and she was like "WHAT!!" i knew that he comes here around the holidays so i hit him up on bp again and asked if he remembered me. this time we met at one of those travellodge places. this time i my "aunt flo" was in town so i wasn't there long. i did go down on him again and remember something that felt like a small stone come out when he came. by then i was through with his cocky a$$. i don't know what the hell that was but it scared me and thank God every test afterward came out negative. i do however think he might be down low though. he didn't act sweet or anything. maybe i'm just paranoid because he seems to f*&^ any and EVERYONE. i heard they have a lot of bath houses in atl and he seems like the type. he still looks good but he's starting to look harder instead of finer. i wish i had hooked up with his boy instead of him lolol. those were the days back when i was young and wild!

*Monie gathers Dinka, Byron, and her imaginary pet donkey and hums "Sweet Hour of Prayer"*

I can't...

1. Is she serious? She has the nerve to say she's "paranoid because he seems to f/ck everyone". Bitch please. You were just as quick to f/ck him. Furthermore, this nigga was nasty enough to put his dick in a flag, you saw this hot shit...and you basically sign up to just give him a professional, knowing you can't even get anything in return??


Bam-bam-di-dam-bam-bam-di-da-da-disturbia.
No more gas in the red, can't even get it started!!!!

2. You're swallowing the "babybatter" of someone you don't even know like that???

*vomit in throat*

And you have the nerve to get mad cause he skeeted (what sounds to be) his damn kidney stone in your mouth???


You can read this travesty in its entirety on backstagepazz.com. I can't...

Just because I ain't got no sense..

We all got a creation story.
I'm happen to have the inside edition on a certain rapper's creation story.

Totally random, but hey... you know how I do.

Story time!

I know they didn't show it in the movie but....

Once upon a time, there was some major fuckin' going on in the Land of Oz.

See-- one day, Evilene got all hot and bothered and said "Self?"

Self said "Hmm?"

Evilene said, "I'm gonna see just how well those flying monkeys can fly."

So she got all dolled up, put in her weave pieces , put on her crowns...



and demanded the flying monkeys run up in her. All of them!

Cause the bitch wanted some D.



So the Flying Monkeys smashed. Because, after all, she demanded it. And they ain't had shit else to do while they were waiting on Dorothy, Tin Man and the rest of them mafuckas.


What the movie failed to tell us was there was a twist!

Before Evilene was defeated, unto her a child was born.
He would grow up to be a cocaine dealer and a half way decent rapper.

Wait for it....

THIS


PLUS THIS


"Don't nobody bring me no bad news!"

EQUALS THAT



"Here I am! Ross!"

*Monie laughs herself into oblivion*

I know... Monie ain't got a lick of sense.

Love ya babies!

xoxomonie!

More Groupie Sex Tales- Jim Jones

Dammit, man! Backstagepazz.com -- ya'll are making my summer out this bitch!


Soooo, I made up a new game, ya'll. It's called "What the Fuck". Very similar to my usual red light-green light, but its 2009 so I figure, hey, why not do some new shit.

Today we're talking about the penis of Joseph Guillermo Jones or as we all know him, JIM JONES .

Scuse me as I let out my niggadom ; you know, that hood side that all of us have-- white folks, ya'll ain't exempt!

*Monie pops open a bag of bodega potato chips (UTZ! ) and sets it beside her Tropical Fantasy- Colt 45 cocktail (lmao), and turns up the volume on her bootleg Dipset's Greatest Hits CD. *

Jim Jones, this basket of Chlamydia... ugh. Let's get started shall we?

*In my best Cam'ron voice*

KILLA!!

Jim Jones came to my city on a tour with another rapper. I went to the show with my sister and a couple of our friends. I was a lil intoxicated and ended up losing everybody I was with. On some ol' humbug type shit, I just really asked one of the security guards if I could go backstage....my outfit was pretty hot (lol). I was backstage just walking around and stumbled upon Jimmy and Freaky Zeaky, Jimmy asks me "what I was doing" so me I play the dumb role and was like " I lost my sister", you know the damsel in distress, lol.
He asked me to come and chill with them, I'm like "you sure?" He like "yeah", so I'm in there and next thing you know he pulls out some money and I must admit he was holding that night so I'm like "can I have some?" He like "what you gonna give me?" I'm like "whatever baby" so he cash's me out and we are fucking on a table, he just bent me over the table and hit it from the back for like 5 mins, and then put me on my back with one leg on his shoulder(while his dude is watching).

Everybody all together now: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Money for sex, what we call that, ya'll?

*Dumb mafucka in the crowd shouts out "Ballin!"*

Naw nigga, try again.

That's prostitution.

Who says the world ain't fair?

It is.

Look at that: a dirty ass nigga for a dirty ass bitch. She got bent over a table while his friend (probably Freeky Zeeky handicapped ass) was watching?? Lmao, all I can see is one of them fold-up lunch tables from back in middle school and someone bent over getting pounded out.

Nastiness.

Jimmy Jones, you dead wrong for that shit. And Imma set Handicaps Welfare Association on your ass.


Smh.

Carry on Groupie:

It was alright though....you will not believe this guy put his finger in my ass!!!!!!!! I wasn't feeling that at all but hey its his dime. I must admit he's a sweaty muthafucka and he was talking shit too like " you like this bitch" I must admit I kinda liked it...the talking not the sex cause my butt was sore for a couple days!!!! I thought that he gave me like $600.00 but it was more like five something, tell you the truth though...I would have let him get it for free,lol. If he wasn't sweating so much I think it would have been better. Sweaty Ass!!

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

I say, one mo' gain: WHAT! THE! FUCK?!!?

*Monie pours her Tropical Fantasy-Malt Liquor cocktail on the ground. The rental white carpet in her apartment bursts into flames. Quickly, she sprinkles the Utz chips on the fire in hopes to out it, but the flames rise up higher than Sam Jackson on crack in Jungle Fever... is this the end??*

Nah.

For real though, I have some questions.

1- Somebody please tell me: what was "alright" about this entire situation? You get pounded out over a table for five minutes while someone sticks a finger in your ass for roughly $5-bills? Houston, we have a mafuckin problem. Where is the self love out here?

*Monie sadly watches the self love float off into oblivion*

2- I need these bitches to have higher standards for sex. Imma share some of mine:

I definitely need more than 5 minutes. 35 minutes, one or 2 hours with breaks in between, yeah. 5 minutes, fuck outta here.
You give me 5 minutes, I promise I'll shank you, tell all your friends (and my friends too) and then the rest of your life from there on out is fucked up.

Because I can't get back the Tang once I pour it out the pitcher; you will NOT be playing w/ my shit.

If he's sticking his finger in your asshole and "you ain't feeling that at all" tell him to stop. If someone is doing something to your body that you do not like/ particularly care for, tell that nigga to halt. Or do something that has always worked for me: punch him in the chest. Hard. Yup, punch that mafucka. And tell him to step off as you put on your clothes and walk up out of there/ demand he drives you back home.

3- Jim Jones is out of shape. Badly. He's pouring down excessive amounts of sweat after 5 minutes of fucking? I guess sticking your finger in someone's ass really works up a sweat, huh?

*shrug*


Yeah, no thanks... I'll pass. And if he wasn't sweating so much she thinks it could have been better? BITCH, HOW????

I am too through.

There needs to be a Dipset intervention out here...

and that's all, folks.

"You're NEGATIVE, honey."

What.


A.


Week!!!





So if you've been following, you know that I recently went to go get blood work done after my visit to the GYN and I was freaking out because of the condom mishap w/ Drunken Munchkin.

Tuesday I went to the lab so they could draw blood and all that great stuff. However, I couldn't take not knowing my status another day. Tuesday and Wednesday I prayed, moped, worried, and complained about whether I was okay or not. My dear sister suggested that since I was so worried about the HIV that she and I go on over to Planned Parenthood and just take a test. I love her. :D

Today was the big day. Talk about being a bundle of nerves. I had the 'rhea (diarrhea) all morning, couldn't eat, just a ball of nerves; reading my Bible and constantly praying.


Thank goodness for Tales From A Groupie because it distracted me for a bit.

And is now one of my favorite blogs to read in my pastime.
I read one helluva story about Mavado. Wrote a blog about that, I'll post it after this.

I digress--

Anywho, my sister and I go to Planned Parenthood. Everyone in the waiting room is looking on edge. One girl called up whoever gave her an STD right there in the middle of waiting room and told the guy, Billy was his name, that she was going to kill him, and that she knew she" got it from him". Then she proceeded to call Billy's mama, ya'll. Everyone in the waiting room looked even more tense after that hot shit.

So they finally call my name.

I go in there, they give me the little pamphlet on the HIV, make me sign a consent form, and show me how to swab my mouth for the testing.

Swab, swab... and then...

I'm waiting what seems to be the longest 20 minutes of my life as the two nurse practitioners so nonchalantly talk about:

• teens with Chlamydia
  
• how Gonorrhea is still in action
  
• Syphillis too!
  
• lipstick parties
  
• the nurse who has been exposing people to Hepatitis C
  

Now, I'm already anxious as a muthaf/ck. Having to hear all that did not make me feel any better. Finally the timer goes off, and the Nurse Practitioner turns my swab stick around.

"You're negative, honey."

Best three words I've ever heard in my life.


I feel the need to share this story because all this time I've been going to my primary care physician thinking that they've been testing me for HIV during my physicals. I just heard from my therapist that it has just become apart of mandatory blood testing this year in the State of New York. Why? New York, you doing it all wrong, son!!

For the most part I have been socially responsible. I've had unprotected sex with 3 men in the 13 years I've been having sex, and that one condom breakage.... however, you never know where someone else has been and what they've been doing.

Life and good health is something precious. From now on me and whoever I have a sexual relationship with will be heading on over to the Planned Parenthood before anything pops off.

And if I have vacay sex, that ain't nothing but a thing. My older sister works in HIV/AIDS outreach down there. We can go together.

I feel like I've been playing Russian Roulette and lucked up.

From now on, every 6 months on the 16th of whatever month I land on, I'm going for an HIV test. Even if I ain't poppin' off, I'm still going to go. That means I'm due to go January 16, 2010.

There's nothing like knowing. Tonight I can rest peacefully. I pray the lab tests don't show anything bad either. I should know about that next week or so.

Besos Muffins!!


♥ Monie

GET TESTED, YA'LL!!

PSA- Stop Getting Married and Having Kids Just Because

Hey muffins out there in Blog land! I know I've been scarce; but my school work has been CRAZY. University of Maryland's online classes are NO joke. Bella, Bee-- love your blogs. Thanks for reading even when I'm playing hookey from my own blog :)

Bella, thank you for your award! I enjoy your blog so much. I live through just about all of you; and it's fantastical!


Soooo.....


Sometimes Facebook is a happy place. Other times-- the shit is a travesty. And I'm not talking about the new layouts (even though it's part of the reason I end up seeing these shitastrophes). I'm talking about the ugly mafuckas from high school...who have become even more uglier with time... that are getting married and having children.


*Slams hand on imaginary pulpit, and does a Baptist-preacher-esque spin*


While browsing through pics, I saw the ugliest little baby. Folks, you gotta be careful who you have sex with. A California Raisin just may tumble out of your vag in the next 9 months.

Baby looked just like that. I tell you no lies. And as I'm clicking through the pics I also see that someone I know is getting married to this girl who looks like a Yo Gabba Gabba. The green one.

Men-- long hair ain't everything. I swear some of ya'll will date the ugliest chick and think she's the flyest cause she has long hair.


Long hair,don't care I guess.

*shrugs*


So after seeing that shit, I had to write the following PSA:

Stop Getting Married and Having Kids Just Because

*Jay-z’s “Public Service Announcement playing on instrumental. Monie puffs on her imaginary Bidi and creates smoke rings*

So some of us are approaching our mid-late twenties. We all get that itch to want to get paired off, and partnered up for life.

[Yes, even me believe or not]

However, some folks are going about this in the wrong damn way.
Some of the hos (unisex) you are marrying look like a tsunamic shit storm. And then ya’ll add more shit to the storm in the form of these little mucktar looking mafuckas you call children.

I beg you: stop getting married because you feel like that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Stop making California Raisin looking babies for the sake of income tax checks.

Do Better.


Simone Dior...and I approve this message.


Ugh. Be easy, kiddies. Have a safe weekend. :)

xoxomonieoxox_

“You Dumb Fuck”—A Post Groupie Love Interjection

Mediatakeout.com left me shocked, appalled, and teeheehee’d out today!!

Who would have thought that the taxi driver in Coming to America would have been sooooo ahead of his time when he uttered:

YOU DUMB FUCK!

RED LIGHT


“Soo...i get to his room.. o keep in mind. i caught a cab and he said he was going to pay for it.. which he should .. it was about 40 dollars... this nigga wouldn’t even come out to bring the money, he was like come in and get it... i was like fuck it so i go up to get the money, he's all talkin about some "you dont need to pay him... he dont know where you at" im like noo thats wrong , so he goes thru his jeans and pulls out 35 crumbled up dollars ( wtf?!?!? R U BROKE ALREADY?!?!) STRIKE 1!!!”


*sigh* In the beginning of her email to MTO she states that Bobby V “wasn’t her type”, so I don’t know why she went to his hotel room in the first place. And if she’s a gold digger its time for her to toss her shovel ‘cause she’s going about her digging all wrong. Dumb Fuck should have been out the door at the first tell-tale sign of brokenness: crumpled up dollar bills.

#694: You can tell a lot about a man by how their money looks when they take it out their wallet/pocket.

..but moving along…

Green Light

“Sooo ne ways .first off he comes to the door in his size xxs boxers with some gay print on them....he's ashy from head to toe...we lay in his bed and he is all trying do stuff im like no ..i dont know you .. all types of shit to get him to not touch me..”


RED LIGHT!!

This was by far my favorite part. The visual person that I am, I pictured him just suffering from chronic C.D.R. ashiness (chalky, dry, and reptilian) standing in some boxers, meanwhile his hair was jherri curl wet, like it always is. Priorities all wrong. ALL WRONG!! Smfh…

Green Light

“Soo he's all up in my face with his morning breath n shit....yuck!!! .... so touch comes to rub i ended up wanting to test it out ...we gets it in ..this nigga is about 2.5'' long and 1 inch thick.. like a 9 year old asian boy...seriously...it felt like a tampon going in and out.. actually a tampon would have been more pleasing...

He isnt necessarily a minute man, but the ish was weak ..he didnt know what he was doing and in no way had a good stroke... he tried to switch it up but he just didnt do it right ...yuck!!! strike 2,3,4,5,6,7,-100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..”

RED LIGHT ON A LEFT HAND TURN TYPE RED LIGHT!!

Dumb Fuck touched it; hell, Dumb Fuck even rubbed it… after doing a Stevie Wonder analysis, she knew it was small…why would you let him “beat beat beat beat beat?” Where’s the self love? Why would you tolerate funky breath, CDR, brokenness, AND WACK AND DRY PENIS?!!

If she killed herself, I would so understand.

That’s why my #1 life rule is as follows:

DO NOT POUR “THE ‘TANG” OUT FOR JUST ANYONE, ESPECIALLY THE WACK AND DRY. You can’t pour it back in the pitcher once you’ve poured it down the drain.

Wack and Dry- A Poem

Wack & Dry

(I'm word up gonna publish this soon)

I can't tell no lies

Yo dick game was Wack and Dry

And its so sad too

You thought you was doing the most

Puffin out yo chest, tryna boast

Your dick game-- lame

I don't think I ever came

You got that fisher price dick

Playing around with the p--y

You make me sick!

Matter fact-- I'm mad at myself

I shoulda told you before

Now when I hear you braggin on ya dick

It annoys me to the core

Shut the fuck up, stop it

Boo, nigga, bye

Got me questioning my own self, like damn bitch, why??

Sweating out my good perm for no damn reason

The courts should charge you, that shit is like treason

You irk me so

I just had to exhale

Feel free to ask if I'm talking about you

Via email

Send all inquiries to champagnecouturerockstarsexy@gmail.com with "Was I Wack and Dry?" in the subject line. I will try to answer as promptly as I can. I feel soo much better now. *Cheesy face*

Statutory Rape-- I'mma get real personal

my little cousin (the one who runs away and wears the same dirty panties)..go'n and click that there... she's up to her old tricks.

She ran away like 2 weeks ago, and then again last friday. and i understand why no amount of ass whooping, screaming, shouting etc thrown at her by her mom and the rest of the family isn't working.

Because the dude she's running off with is older than her. How much older, I'm not sure, but he's definitely over 18. When she was over here she was bragging that he had money, and when I asked her how he got money she told me he worked in a bank with his mother.

I asked her how old he was and she said he's 17.

I told her to try again. We all know can't no 17 work in a bank!

She's only 15. She swears she's in love, but she's being taken advantage of. I know the story all too well. That was me when i was in 12th grade. and the dude who i was with was 25.

i want to share the following story because i know there are a few teens that follow this blog, and i would hate for them to get mixed up in the same type of shit.

Grab your cocoa mug-- it's storytime.

Statutory Rape Will Fuck Up Your Mental For A Long Time

The person who was taking advantage of me was my best friend's older brother. Let's call her L, and let's call him R. Kelly Light. He was 8 years my senior.

I had the notion that a lot of young girls have : oh, he's older, he's not gonna play me; he can see that I'm mature, bla bla bla.

But he did.

I didn't really pay him much mind until he started paying attention to me. Sure, I thought he was cute, but my friend had 3 other brothers of which I thought were cute too, so that was no big thing. But he was persistant in his flirting, and he'd always say things to me like If you were older, I would date you.

I used to think it was cute, but now that I'm older, I realize it was inapropriate and trife. L and I hung tight from the time I was 14, so his nasty ass was probably looking at me from then. Euw.
(I may have to throw up after I finish typing this. I'm thoroughly disgusted right now)

So... he'd always flirt with me, and I'd flirt back too. I remember one day we were playfighting and he kissed me all up in my mouth, and my life went downhill from there. (For a time, of course.. glory be to God, I got back up on the mountain).

Probably a few months later (I know it was in May) we ended of having sex (euwwwwww) when I went to borrow L's wordprocessor (damn, you know that's back in the day-- do they even make those anymore?) It lasted all of like 3 minutes because anyone could have come home at any minute. For the longest, no one knew what was going on,not even L.

A short time after that he got a new car (I forget what happened to his old one, but I remember one time he had to glue his bumper back on with crazy glue) and he would "pretend to take me home" if I was over there, and have sex with me in his car, almost anywhere. This parking lot, that one, side of the highway, this dark street around the hood, wherever. This dude never took me anywhere and very rarely did we go to motels. To make matters worse, we were sexing unprotected. At first I would keep saying that we needed to be using them, but eventually I just went along with him, got on the pill, and continued. I should have known then that he didn't really think much of me. I'm just glad I stepped away from that whole madness disease-free.

And of course he'd tell me little stuff to get inside my head; about how much he'd miss me when I went off to college (I chose to go to Howard U), and that he cared about me... you know, bullshit. And you couldn't tell me I wasn't in love! As fucked up as it was, I really felt like he was my friend. I would talk to him about everything and anything. (I've always been a sucker for people who allow me to express myself around them)

Before I went off to school, L figured something was up, and she told me she didn't want me messing with him. I shrugged that off as her not wanting her best friend involved with her brother, but I thought that eventually she'd stop caring. Not so.

Anywho.. of course to my little 17 year old surprise, I was shocked when I went off to college in August, and never heard from him. Not a phone call, not a letter written back to me, nothing. I was way past hurt, and I felt very abandoned. When you're going through a transition phase in life, these are two emotions you do not want to feel.To this day if I feel one of the two , life is not quite right. In fact, I feel rather fucked up.


And this is when the panic attacks started. And if you know about them joints.. they suck ASS with six straws. I had no idea what was happening to me, and I thought I was just plain going crazy. I was so stressed I'd stay up all night doing strange things like sketching clothes because it relaxed me. Which was crazy because I didn't even know how to draw... but I learned, dammit!

I ended up going home one weekend because my cousin died, and I saw him. He was acting like everything was ok. Getting inside my head, manipulating me as usual. And then I found out he was up to no damn good. He was messing with this chick that lived around the corner for me (oddly enought, she was legal ), him and his ex girl had a kid that he didn't even tell anyone about, not even his family. Everyone just found out at the same time. So you know I was distraught.

I went back to school, and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was always sad, and still having the occasional panic attacks, just thinking I was going crazy. So I withdrew from school and transferred to a school back home in NY. How I got into any school, especially one as good as Adelphi, was beyond me because my grades were SHIT. 1 B, 2 Cs and a D. I guess money can get you anywhere, huh? :)

And I didn't move back because I wanted to be with him. I just wanted to be somewhere familiar like my home, because even though my parents relationship was way past fucked up, I knew they loved me. And I just wanted to feel loved. Cause, it bees that way sometimes, y'know? But lo and behold a few months after I settled into school, who's paging me (LOL, I had a pager, ya'll! I'm officially old). Trifflin ass R.Kelly Lite. At first it was just a phone call here and there, and then before I knew it, we were back to our old antics. By this time I had my own car, and he'd crashed his again somehow, so he'd page me, I'd pick him up, and we'd still be doing what we did... in the car. Euw. By this time, his whole family knew what was up, and L was getting mad. The only person in my family who even knows that this happened to me is my sister, and I didn't even tell her. She found out, and I couldn't even bring myself to admit it to her for the longest because I was ashamed.

L eventually gave me an ultimatum and told me I had to choose between her and her brother.

I chose my friend. And I never looked back .


I say alllllladat to say this-- to my young girls-- these grown ass men do not have your best interest in heart. They don't give a fuck about you. They just want to use you up, and will not hesitate to toss you to the side for the next pretty young thing or better yet, a chick their age, comes along.

Your whole mentality towards men and more importantly, yourself will become misconstrued.

For a long time after this I used to equate sex with someone liking me. I still feel some sort of awkwardness when I'm around men. I don't really open up like I should and tell them how I feel. And I find that when I do, which is usually when its too late, it ends up all bad. For me, anyway. They just be movin' on with life and shit, lol :)

So to my young gals, that old ass dude you think is feeling you-- he really isn't. He's just a pervert, and no one his age probably wants him cause he's a loser. Walk in the other direction. Deal with someone your own age. I know they ain't shit.. but they're manageable shits. Don't get in way over your head.

I'm all soft and pink again. I may even cry tonight.. but like Ledisi sang-- It's alright!

xoxomonie!;)

Notorious...K.I.M.

So of course I went to see Notorious. Had to. After all, I was inspired to write my first rhyme off of 'Get Money' about this fat girl named Biggums, which I dubbed "I'm Hungry".
(Karma is a bitch, because as we know, I had a fatass moment in my life).

Anywho...

Son!!!

This shit was hilarious!! Most riveting comedy of the year. I've decided not to spoil it for anyone who hasn't gone to see it yet. I was going to, but then I was like, nawww. I will tell you to prepare yourself to witness all types of hood shit in the theater (ie- weed smoking, chickenheads clucking, fights-- all of which happened Friday evening when I saw it..smdh)



Anywho, I would have liked to see more of Lil Kim, as she is my friend in my head. In several interviews and on her second album, Notorious Kim; she kinda had me feeling like she was an integral part of Biggie's life, but in this film-- not so. Kim was portrayed as a straight sideline ho that was unaware of the fact that she was nothing more than that. I have a soft spot for side hos. I've been there before. Difference is, I know my place. Do you? Go'n and click that there.


So ... I'm gonna do something special in honor of my favorite side slide Kim. I present to you:

My Favorite Lil Kim Quotes

Before you nut/ I'ma dribble down your butt cheeks/Make you wiggle, then giggle just a little/I'm drinkin babies/ then I cracks for the Mercedes /Act shady, and feel my three-eighty..

cLASSic. damn. she was doing thee most... all to get played. i'll be sure to never dribble down any buttcheeks...and if i was f/cking a dude and he giggled.. it would be hell and powderhouse up in there. I would have so many questions starting with: Do you fuck men? Yikes.

He asked me did I love him/I said what came to mind like niggas be doing/Yeah baby, I love you long time/Look I ain't tryin' to suck ya/I might not even fuck ya/Just lay me on this bed and give me some head/Got the camcord layin' in the drawer where he can't see/Can't wait to show my girls he sucked the piss out my pussy/Been doin' this for years, no need to practice/Take lessons from the Queen
and you'll know how to mack this/Niggas know he gave me all his cake/I peeled the Benji's off and threw the singles back in his face

most gangsta shit ever. if only my girl could get her pimpin right, she could do this. and i could live vicariously through her. i'd do it myself, but i just tightened up the chastity belt even more the other day. ;-x

Niggas wanna run up in my pussy like a Pap smear/I'mma tell you now, just like I told you last year/Niggas ain't stickin' unless they lick the kitten/Too many bitches just be licking the dick /And I'm a picky one I like my dicks rock hard/Not the sticky ones that taste like slaw/Oh something missing/The shower pissing/All up in your mouth/What/ You think I'm kidding?

Lmao..let me once again thank the dudes i dealt with for never tasting like "slaw". This one always cracked me the hell up. I wanna know who the hell was letting Kim piss up in their mouth. Probably Lil Cease? Heyy, whatt whatt... you got it going on whatt whatt.

That's all. I'm tired. And lazy. So til Monday when some real shit pops off..adios!!

Cheap Ass,Date Night?, Old Homo Sighting, and Monie's Jukebox-- RANDOM shit

Cheap Ass Loses... Again

--in trying to make me feel like I lost out on him. i'm laughing so hard as i'm typing, jeez.

So, today I get 2 facebook msgs on my wall AND a poke from my ex...let's call him Cheap Ass.
I always do.

So Cheap ass writes on my wall..twice:

Did you see my video on my page?

Did you see my video on my page?

I use facebook mobile most of the time, so I can't check videos, but more importantly, I don't go on his page. So I write back on his wall:

What video. I'm on facebook mobile so i can't see. As long as I'm not in the video, we good.

So, out of sheer boredom I went on there and checked it just now.

LMMFAOLMMFAO FOREVER. Dude, how much do i LOVE youtube. I found the video!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oo0rq2ZyF0

His friend made a music video and he's the love interest in it. He's all caressing and kissing on this chick who is singing. hot tranny mess. I couldn't stop laughing. Cheap Ass is delusional-- swears I still want him. Why, I don't know. I haven't wanted him since 2005. I haven't spoken to him since 2007. 2009 and ain't a damn thing changed! i'm not into repeating dudes, especially if they ain't fine. and as you can see.. HE AIN'T. I won't be too hard on myself. My swag/self esteem was not up to par at all back then.

I had to put him on ice because whenever I did entertain his conversations, they were all about his new girlfriend who so ironically had the same name as me, how pretty she was, how he was taking her on vacation..bla bla bla. I could tell he always wanted me to be jealous and to care, but I never did. I still don't. Still hee-hee-ing.

Date Night?
There's a question after that , because I know me. I'm a fickle bitch, and more than likely I'm gonna change my mind for a few reasons. Keep reading. So, this dude I've known for a few years wants to go out this weekend. He's cool or whatever, but he's like one of those fat camp kids. He used to be mad fat back in the day, and now that his body is looking right, he can't stop talking about it. It is very irritating and sometimes when I talk to him on instant msgr. i wanna just say Remember when you were a fatass? But that wouldn't work; because he could easily say I remember when you were a fatass too.
Life is unfair like that sometimes.
Thank God for elliptical machines, pilates, and Alli. I vow to never be a fatass again. Amen.

Now the reasons I probably won't go is because, he doesn't have a car, and neither do i. he's gonna get on the train from far rockaway to come here, which is a hell of a train ride, especially in this cold. i'd meet him half way...naw, i wouldn't. let me not get to lying up in here. The other reason I probably won't wanna go is because we'll have to take a cab to go hang out somewhere. And I don't want to. I dunno. I told him to meet me at Guesthouse on Sunday night, cause I might go again, plus it'll be less of a commute. We shall see...we shall see me park my ass in my bed Saturday night, or head somewhere I shouldn't with my partner in crime, K! ;x Naw, I'm gonna just chill with him if he makes effort to come out here.

Old Homo Spotted

The Target by my house is always chock full of surprises. I didn't think that it could get any worse than the time I saw two cacophonous little white boys belting out Flo'Rida's 'Shawty Got Low' in the electronics section... but yesterday it did.

Ain't nothing worse than an old homo who swear he's doing it. Don't get it twisted; Monie loves the kids. Probably watches more Logo channel than anyone else, but this sighting was so sad that I stopped in the middle of an aisle and texted my gay boyfriend.

Picture it.

This coat, but waist length with a tail going around the collar:

These boots

With this hat

Clawdhammercysaveme!! And he was just as loud as he wanted to be. Smdh. I wanted to call PETA on him.

Monie's Jukebox - on repeat

Blame It On the Alcohol- Jamie Foxx feat. T.Pain

Where in the hell was this song in 2006 and 2007 when my partying/drinking days were at its pinnacle? When I needed reasoning for most of the lascivious antics I was going on with? Do you know how much shit I did those two years that could have blamed on the alcohol?? This would have been my theme! I love this song!!

Say You Will- Kanye West

Kanye told Vibe mag:

I don't believe in therapy. I believe you gotta walk it out, you gotta live it out...And sometimes you have to cry it out...I don't believe in medication or painkillers. And I don't believe in religion and giving it all up to Jesus.

Hallejlujah, pass the Paxil! LOL

I can tell, Kanye. Because this song sounds very Washington Adventist-like(padded walls). Kanye, baby, please, don't ever let it come to this again. This is bad. Always take it to Jesus, and keep in mind...a little Paxil never hurt anyone. Because this shit right here...

When i grab your neck, I touch your soul/Take off your cool, and lose control/Hey hey hey hey...

Whaat?! Shutupp! Very eerie. I think I like it because it has a little Marvin Gaye vibe to it. Save that heart monitor beeping in the background. Now what does that say about me? ; x Heyy, heyy, heyy, heyyy, dont say you will... shananana e. coli. mmph!

Anne- Santogold

This is my absolute shit. It sounds like a Prince song... one off of the Purple Rain album, but I can't place it. I'm getting old, my memory only works on Sundays and Wednesdays. Anyway, only Santogold could be howling on a track and make it hot. I like this whole album as well.

Aight, the bed awaits. And the titties need their freedom.

man-made bitch, jump offs and the like...

i'm a man-made bitch


not me, but just try to stay with me here. hopefully someone will comment and help me make some sense out of this. so, last night i went out with k and her homegirl tee. on our way home from the club we're talking about men and sex. tee is a few years younger than us, and its clear from some of the things she says that her maturity level hasn't peaked. but then again, neither has mine, so who am i to say shit? anyway. k is in a bind because she wants to have relations with this kid josh as well as his friend yeyo, but she's worried about niggas giving her the reputation she had back in the day because they talk. k asks my advice and i tell her:



we're too old to be worrying about what niggas in the streets have to say, do what you know you're gonna do. which is have 'em both. but since tee's homegirl had
j and she said his penis is small, go for the other kid, yeyo. don't waste your good perm.

then tee chimes in with a speech that shut the windows, the blinds, the front door, and left me in Chickenhead Heaven standing in DARKNESS.



Glad all I had was a flute of Rosé because i remembered this here grandiloquence almost verbatim. it was that memorable.


Tee:
I'm a man-made bitch. I fucks whoever i want to, just like a nigga and at the end of the day, niggas respect me and love me for that shit. i been fucking since i was 12. i had my man S, my babydaddy who i'm still with to this day and this other dude that lived 4 blocks away, and whoever else i want. Everybody like to fuck, everybody pussy get wet. Tonight that nigga was like how he knew I was messing with ___ and ___ and ____ and ___
(i forget all their names, but there were atleast 4 of them)
but i told them its still all about nick. and at the end of the day they still love me, cause I'm a man-made bitch! And I'm gonna only be fucking nick because I don't like to use condoms. They burn. And I don't do the lambskin shit.


Pause for the cause. I wish someone were here to weigh in with me and help me pick it apart. No one ever leaves comments, but i know ya'll come through thanks to the feejit. Please. Weigh in!!



I mean, I understand what she's trying to say, however, I don't get where she got the term "man-made" from. First time I've ever heard of it. I don't care about how anyone is getting down, but I am concerned when they are not using condoms, yet doing this much f/cking. And I am shocked that a 22 year old mother feels that sex is safe if she doesn't get pregnant or sticks to the same person for a while.

Let me leave that alone. My mind needs to take a walk on that one.

so anyway, k ended up having relations with j last night, and she reported back that it was no bueno. she said he kissed really good, but tee was rushing her from across the room (these guys live at home w/ their mom in the basement, true long island style) because she had to be home in time for when her baby woke up. k said it really was small, and he was nice enough to warn her that he was gonna come quick. and he did.



i hope i don't come off self righteous when i say this... but at my age (26)... i feel like, jump-jumps should be held to higher standards. because in addition to this nigga coming at breakneck speed...he had the nerve to suggest my girl take him to dinner and he was not playing. Woolawd!!!!



Sometime this week I will be writing The Jump Jump Doctrine. I may even do it tonight.