Fuck Off!! Random Hate Mail

*Monie lifts her hands to the sky, and mouths to God “Why?”*

*God shrugs and mouths back “Why not? I love you, now go make your misery someone else’s laughter*

*Mo nods*
And so...

Dear Dr. D___,

I know you see vagina all day, so it aint nothing new to you. However, I’m kinda private about mine. Was it really necessary for your student assistant to be in there while you were doing my Pap smear? I’ve never had an audience before, and to be quite frank, I didn’t like that shit. I do appreciate your thoroughness though. When you asked if any of my other doctors ever told me I had “bulging eyes”, demanded that I swallow , and went on to say that you were going to test my thyroid for Graves disease I didn’t know how to take it.** Something tells me you doing me wrong like this because I have HIP Medicaid. Second class citizen, I am not. Neither is my vagina.

I still feel some kind of way. Next time, lets handle the shit one-on-one. And if you could give me the birth control I requested, that'd be kinda nice too. Thanks Dr. D___, for making my week. :(

Dear BET,

Ya’ll need to do better. Like, really need to do better. This “Played by Fame” business, that “Welcome to Dreamland” shitastrophe-- pure fuckery. Why couldn’t ya’ll pick up The Game from CW? Or give Uncle Jeff a show; one that displays that Black folks have sense? I don't appreciate seeing this type of coonery on what is supposed to be "Black Entertainment Television". When you create shitty shows like this, it sets us back . My calculations say 25 years per shitty show. Let's add it up:

Played by Fame: 25
Hell Date: 25
Welcome to Dreamland: 25
Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is (as much as I hate to say it): 100 years [50 for Neffe, 50 for Frankie]
That's 175 years. Do you know what that means?

The touch, the feel of cotton is more than the fabric of our lives.
Think about it. Again. Do better.

( Thank God for Harlem Heights. It's the one program that doesn't scream "Sambo")
Ps- stop running Menace II Society, State Property II, ATL, and Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I done had it up to here.

Dear Forever 21,

You cuntywhores, you!! I hate your exchange policy. Your accessories and bags ain’t shit. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your handbag fall off your arm in the streets…when it was the first time you’ve ever even rocked it? Then you tell me you can’t refund me because “it’s against store policy??” Go suck your mother!! When I bought the piece-of-shit bag I was under the impression that it would add a bit of joy to my life and oomph to my wardrobe, but I was wrong. I rebuke you, Forever 21.

Dear Dan @ Associates Visa,
I hope you wake up tomorrow with morning wood and piss in your own face. Why would you give me a shitty ass deal, offering to lower my interest rate, and “forget” to disclose that if I accepted I’d be incurring late fees and over the limit fees? Why, Dan? That’s fucked up. I’ll be calling back again tomorrow w/ my “lawyers” on the line. And a refund to my bank account is so in order. Go suck your grandmother through a straw, Dan.

Dear Jerimih,

Or whatever your damn name is. Your song sucks. I wouldn't even wipe my behind with these lyrics if they were set on toilet paper!
Allow me to quote your simple ass:

“It’s your birthday and I know you want to ride out Even if its only to my house”
…oh wait, even better:
“I might just sweep you off your feet And make you wanna tell somebody (body, how I do) somebody body how i do

Pause- I’d be ashamed to tell anyone. I'd have to take Miss Ciely's Paw-Not-Paw's advice:
"You be't not tell nobody but God!
Carry on...

Or maybe we can float on top my water bed

(Pause again- people still have waterbeds? Smh…mmnh, carry on, Jeremih)

you close your eyes as I pry between your legs
We work our way from kitchen stoves, and tables
Girl you know I'm more than able to please, yeah
Say you wanted flowers on the bed (on the bed)
But you got me and now it's on again

* Mo runs over to her imaginary window, pulls the blinds off, and throws them on the ground out of disgust *

Cease, Jermih, you simple simon ass mafucka, cease!!!!

Bitch ass nigga: PUH-LEASE! You deserve an open-handed slap to your mouth; one so great you’ll never sing another set of lyrics like this again. This song is a disgrace to R&B.

James Brown's curl activator is probably drying up in his grave because of you.

Retire, ho. Right now.

Gosh! I feel so much better.

Now I’m about to head on to my slumber. I can rest well now that I’ve gotten all this off my chest.

BESOSBABIES!!

Random Shit- the Reality TV edition

It's the 12th of the month, and dammit, we know what that means.
PMS!
Let the bitchery commence!

Isn't there a really uncanny resemblance between Miss New York and Lady Elaine Fairchild from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood?


They have similar bitch-like attitudes as well.
Wonder if the makeup has anything to do with it? Hmm..

This ho (New York, not Lady Elaine;-) has yet another show coming out... I won't be watching.


Where is that damn red trolley when you need it to come whisk someone's ass away?
I'm sooo over her. I wish Mr. Rogers were alive. So he could tell the trolley to take New York and Lady Elaine to the M.A.C. store :(

Day 26 - Random shit I've been wanting to say about them for a while now. I'm thinking seriously of twittering Diddy and putting in my complaints.

Mike- I love big Mike, but he got one more damn time to squeeze his big ass into a bubble vest. One more time!

And has the nerve to be wearing it with a tie?! Looking like a Berenstain Bear.

Awwww!! Kindness, Caring and Sharing.
I felt lightweight bad after reading that, but then I realized:

I am in fact doing most of the above.

I'm kind enough to share my opinion. I just don't have that caring part down yet, but by God's grace, I'mma git there!

- Isn't it hilarious how they always have to put captions on when Mike and Willie are speaking.

Especially Mike... cause everytime he opens his mouth I just hear Pootie Tang.

Sadatay!

Willie-
I don't know how I didn't include Willie in my line of men I'd smash if I could. He is single-handedly saving that damn Making the Band shitastrophe. Women (and some of ya'll men...mhmmm) are tuning in Thursday nights to see Willie's fine ass. He could've had one leg and a kickstand, I'd still beat!

Que

What in the Legend of Bagger Vance? What is this mafucka wearing?? This is an all the time thing for Que. He looks like a gerbil.

Old gerbil looks like he's doing his thing. Diddy might wanna call him up and replace Que. No one will be the wiser.


Robert- rides my nerves, but after this last episode, I've grown to love him. He spit the damn truth last Thursday night. I would have shown my left titty on the highway to see him throw that chair at Que and knock his little ass over.

Oooh! Is that a bangle on his wrist? Where is Miss Wendy when you need her? How you doin?!


Brian- is a bit annoying too.

Like someone sticking their dick in your ear. Don't trip, I'll talk about that another day, lol, I just don't have the energy tonight.

Anyway, I've never seen someone manage to look dingy even when they've been airbrushed. How does he do it? I like Brian though. He sings his little ass off.

Did I forget any of them? I feel like I should have included Dawn's ass. She's like the sixth member now. I mean, it could work.

Dawn has the balls to be down.

And the strap on.

Because we all know she bussin' Que's back wide open. Let me stop that. I like Dawn :)

Heheheheh... I need to behave myself. I'm going to bed. Easter service tommorow.
xoxomonie*

diggin in the crates, plus other random shit

Monie's Jukebox-throwback edition

i love me some ghostface killah, yes i do! today while working out with my Creative Zen on 'random play' , Ghost's "Love Session" came through my headphones. And I thought to myself, "self?" Self said "Hmm?" I need me a Gawd like the Ghost. He wears his heart on his sleeve for real.

You my pumpkin and my 'nilla custard; you cussed me outwhen you found condoms
layin in my pocket I was bustedI gets right witchu (uh) form a life with you
(yeah)The type after sex get a warm rag and then wipe youHyped up love light it
up, might bite you at the altarI'm bitin off you, I'm wearin white too

This is the kind of shit that if a dude said it to you, you'd crack the hell up and simply melt. Or maybe that's just me? Either way, I love Ghost's always-in-love-breaking-up-revenge-to-make-back-up rapping ass. i.e. Same Again, Back Like That... and a few others.

Wow.. I felt old when this one came through my headphones. 1996. A lot happened that year. This album is probably partly to blame for me losing my virginity. Let's not lie. We all wanted to be like Lil Kim without getting poked in the ass or sucking a D. Well, I can't speak for others, but I know my bff K and I did. I had hoochie dreams, but they came to a halt after I had sex twice and people started talking. K kept the dream alive though. (I still live vicariously through her) I closed my legs and decided against doing the Big Momma Thang for a long time. Well, 4 years.

I digress, I got a little happy inside, kicked it up on the elliptical machine and started rapping along.

That's how many times I wanna cum, twenty-one
And another one, and another one,
and another one
24 carots nigga
That's when I'm fuckin wit' the average nigga
Work the shaft, brothers be battin' me, and oh
Don'tcha like the way I roll
And play wit' my bushy
Tell me what's on your mind when your tongue's in the pussyIs it marriage? (Damn this bitch is bad) Baby carriage? (Damn, I love that ass!)
Shit no, on a dime shit is mine
Got to keep 'em comin' all the time

Hmm. I've been singing the wrong words to that one for 13 years now. I could have sworn she said:
"Word to shaft/and niggas be battling/Oh don't you like the way I roll/ And play with my P--sy/ Tell me what's on your mind when the tongue's in the p--y"

Oh well
*shrugs*

Question. Have you ever noticed how random this song is? Kim comes on the track talking about no longer being scared of the dick, Jay comes on there talking about how he'll sex her continuously, the Roc-A-Fella crew, et cetera, and then here comes Cease and Kim with a hook that has shit to do with nothing:

"Killas be quiet, my nigga bring the riots
Tough talk, tough walk, shit is tired
You wanna be this Queen B, but ya can't be
That's why your mad at me"

Huh? What? Shut. Up.

Random

Jason's Lyric came on today. I Dvr'd it. (Is "DVR'd" a word?). So yeah, I DVR'd it. I'm watching it for like the fiftymillionth time, in amazement by how it manages to be countrified, hood, and romantic all at the same time.

I reckon Chipotle has crack in it. Everytime I have it, I'm already plotting on how and when I'm gonna get my next fix. It's like getting good dick. I wish I were still sexually active so I could say to K:

"Son! That nigga had that Chipotle dick!"

Cause only she'd understand. She's addicted to it too. And its to the point where the people who work there smile at us knowingly when they see us come into the spot to order tacos (me), burrito bol (k), and soft tacos (k's 7 year old who is also addicted).

Bad Girls Club

If they ain't bout the craziest set of bitches!! I want someone to slap the piss fire out of Kasey. And I hope Tiffany is the one to do it.

"Absolutely, positively, no sex in the champagne room naw"

- Chris Rock ft. Gerald Levert

I've been abstaining for a year and 3 months. And even though I'm always hornier than a 15 year old teenaged boy... everytime I hear about someone getting the Herp, or some other nastiness... I know I'm doing the right thing.

And more penis picture mail

Only this time its not mine. K received some. I'm glad to report it wasn't ashy, all one pretty brown color, nice girth. I couldn't stop looking at it. However, K is not gonna take that ride. She doesn't like the penis-picture-mail-sender. Too bad, so sad.

I'm tired. It's past my new bedtime.