It's Been a Long Time; I shouldn't have left you..

Muffinssssssssssss!!!

I have missed Blogger turr'bly! School and life done caught up to my ass. School is finally over, and I am glad to inform you all they will be sending my MS degree in the mail because this bitch Monie does not do graduation ceremonies.

Can't wait to frame that bitch and put it up in my living room though, aow!

Say hello to my adopted daughter ya'll:



I've decided to affectionately name this child in my head , "Lil Baby KeyLontay". I've seen her all over the web and facebook w/ no parent to claim her. Imma take her in. She can keep Byron and Dinka company.

Anywho, other than that, DC is DC...although right now I'm in Jamaica w/my fiancee' right now.

Yeah.. we've got lots to catch up on-- I promise to speak on this. Just know that I am insanely happy, the relationship is extremely healthy, my man LOVES me to no end,and I love him back. And I can't leave out the fact that he is fuckin' fine as hell. Like seriously, a lot of times I catch myself staring at him like , damn, I snagged you?? I adore him.

But back to DC.

Although I don't have no crazy club shit (only been once since I've moved), there are still tales of insanity though.... because my neighborhood is an interesting place.

We’ve got loads of teenaged gay boys walking around wearing booty shorts , boi pussies on display and shit.




hair flipped w/ tons of Pump it Up Spray



or Jerri curls



(yes, we have young boi-hos rocking jherri in 2010, clawdhe'pme please!)

and sometimes two strand twists.

I absolutely adore them for being brave enough to walk out of the house like this. Whenever I'm walking to /from work... or anywhere else, since I'm the Super Pedestrian out this mafucka... they make for great laughter.

We also have a teen tranny here in Southwest who is nicknamed “The Mayor”. I found this out at Open Mic Night at the library (keep reading)

And a baby nicknamed “Ay-ay”too … don’t ask.


This place is just…something else.

*blank stare*

Now let’s talk about the library for a bit. See, I've spent quite a lot of time there for the past few months, and every time I've gone in and left back out, I've been..welll... astonished for ack of better words.

Historically (and often in the present) libraries are a place of quietness where one can go to ready, study, think… quietly. But here in the SW part of the district, the whole “Shhh…this is a library” factor--- simply does not apply.

Like for real. Do not try to go there and get homework done because you will be interrupted by:

- Open Mic poetry from 5 til closing on Mondays
- (Tuesday and Thursday that m/f closes at 5)
- Wednesday is Chess Club and Movie Night from 6-closing , full with a pizza dinner, cookies, and fruit punch and it is LOUD, LOUD, AND MO’ MUTHAFCKIN LOUD.

Tuesdays and Saturdays were the only day I was able to get homework done which meant I’d have to wake up and be there for 9 am until 5:00 PM.

But it was still pretty loud:

- Random old bitch reading books and sucking old food out of her teeth *barf*
- Pre-teens and teens Myspace hoing it up.
- And just loud, loud, loud chatter

And one time an old man sitting at a table in front of me was kind enough to bend over and crank a fart so loud I thought the earth was going to move. He turned around, simply picked his shorts out of his ass and didn’t even bother to apologize. I was too through after that.

I will not go back....other than to pick out trashy hood novels like Brelon and Baldhead Marie to read for sheer entertainment. . Go'n and click dat dere and try to find her blog on that topic. You will fall the eff out.



I shall be back later w/ more updates though.

Ciao muffins!!

_monie!*

Cause sometimes shit just needs to be said...

Just keepin it funky...

1. I want people to stop telling lies on condoms. They're great, and they work. You didn't use them and now you running around with devil spawn ass kids, lying saying the shit broke. You lie. You lie, damn you!!

2. It's ok to laugh at church. My family and I do it all the time. We making a joyful noise...get off our backs!

3. Some folks need their entire closet rebuked. We all have the one or two bammafied pics in our facebook photo albums ...however... this one chick who is linked to one of my friends, is consistently fucking up all the time.

Certain shit just don't go together. It's like when I wear my pink Frogs (fake Crocs) to the supermarket with my good jeans and cute jacket. I'm fuckin up..but I'm not turning the shit into a Kodak moment. Do better.

4. It's alright to schedule penis around hair appointments. It really is. Spontaneity is cool and all that, but fucking up your $90 of hair investment. Is not alright.

*loosening up bra strap*

5. Don't claim to be a "five star chick" if you're rocking fake Louis bags, kitten heels (Michelle Obama is the only diva allowed to wear kitten heels, i said it), with jeans, and beauty supply store weave in the club. You're just not. I said it. Bombs have been dropped, bitches, get mad.

6. To the dudes who complain about their girlfriends/wives wearing the head scarves and sweatpants in the house... nigga you don't look so great in the house neither. Your basketball shorts and Adidas shower shoes with socks aint making my coochie wet. Fuck outta here!!!

7. To all you hos that have no education, but brag on your looks/pussy. No one is impressed. Not a one. He'll fuck you but he will marry someone less cute with more education.

8. Men, same for you. Bring more than a hard dick to the table. We'll still fuck you, but you won't be coming to the office party. *shrug*

9. R. Kelly can piss on 8 more broads and wear as many purple sneakers and scarves as his heart so desires. I still fucks with him.

"Gracias baby, da me loooooooooo!"

10. Spread love. That's what a real thug do. (Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else).

Deuce here!
-Monie

(I will have a better entry coming soon. Or atleast I will try. School is kicking my ass)

Besos!

Jamaica--Scandalocity, Trollopcy, Pussy Stop Signs and Sociopaths

Muffins... I am dead ass tired, but after tomorrow, life is back to a halt thanks to school. The syllabi is threatening to cause nervous breakdown, heart disease, kidney failure, cancer, and just straight up... DEATH. So I regret to inform you... my antics will be a bit scarce til after Thanksgiving.
Let's recap, shall we?

*Monie props her legs up on the coffee table, picks her nose, looks at it...shrugs... and flicks it across the living room*

:)p

Let's talk about #4 and his madness.
*sigh*

I don't think I have ever argued with someone this much in my entire life. usually when i get into a cuss-out with a person, i'm in beef mode for like weeks, but #4 has a knack for making me laugh in the midst of what could be intense anger for me. Very much like in that Notorious movie where Big had Faith laughing by singing her some silly song.

And I don't like that shit. Don't rob me of my anger, dammit!

It would take too long to give the full story on all of #4's madness, but here's a un-ordered list of his fuckery

• #4 feels that it's ok to take the very last condom we have (that I brought) and keep it in his pocket.. "just because, no reason." this story will be explained later, as it makes no sense right now. carry on.
• #4 also believes that it is ok to take a girl to a bar "to have a nice evening out".
• #4 lied about his age. It turns out that he is not turning 28, but is in fact 24 going on 25. I saw his birth certificate.

now i interrupt this list to give you the story behind the condom. I shall call it:

I'm Walking Around With This Condom In My Pocket... Just Because- a short story.


So...the second week I was there, I went to visit my sister in Montego Bay for the weekend. Left Saturday, came back Monday. Left #4 with the key to my suite so he could come and go as he pleased. Even though I was on my own trifling bullshit (we'll talk about that later) I see that #4 is in fact up to some bullshit of his own.

That Friday before I left #4 and I had some of our usual mindblowing sex, and that left us with one condom. Jill Scott said it best, "one is the magic number."
Anywho, I made sure I put that one condom where I could see it in the nightstand.

Cause life is always about tests. Pass, Fail bitches.

So you can imagine my disbelief when I came back to the suite and saw NO CONDOM and some weed in the nightstand. I called my cousin and K (who happened to be in Jamaica--she was in Kingston though) screaming and packing up his shit.

Me: So I come back and WHY is the last condom we had missing? What the fuck? I know he doesn't have the nerve to fuck some next bitch w/ the condoms I done bought with my money. And I swear he better not have fucked her in my room.
*packing his clothes and setting them on the chair with two lada (plastic) bags on top for anything he may not be able to fit in the two bags he had. that's me, always being thoughtful :D*
K: that's crazy.... *launches into her own issues w/ her pop-off/boo in NY named Ty* Me: I got to go.
(Precisely why I have a therapist. Anytime I need to talk, people wanna launch into their own shit. Spare me)

So I call my lil cousin and tell her.

Little Cousin: Well you can't really be mad anyway, you had sex w/ someone else.
Me: Yeah, but still. Whatever. Whatever! I'm glad i did it. The shit was good too. Either this nigga produce this condom, which I doubt he will or he get the fuck out.
Little Cousin: We'll see.
So in strolls #4 around 11pm after work that night. I'm so mad I'm smoking cigarettes in my non-smoking room, and can hardly even speak to him.

So he goes on the veranda, smokes his weed, comes back in and says:

Him: So what's the matter now? Me: I'm not quite ready to talk about it.
So he starts guessing.

The second guess he hits it on the head.

Him: You don't see the condom in the drawer? Me: Yeah, where is it? Him: I just took stuff out the draw and put it in my pocket out of habit. Me: Yeah, but why would you take the condom? Who else are you fucking. Him: No one Me: Apparently someone. What made you take it w/ you?
to make a long story short we get to arguing and then he goes into his book bag and pulls out the condom and throws it on the bed.
Him: There it is. Me: So why are you carrying it around with you anyway?? Him: Why does it matter. It's right there. You just like to argue.

And on and on we go for about an hour why he can't just tell me why he took it with him in the first place. Never did get an answer. Don't really care. All I know is he be on his shit, and I be on mine. We agree to disagree.

*shrug*

The End


Aside from this we had several other arguments. Last Saturday he was supposed to take me on a Glass Bottom boat, and it didn't work for whatever reason. So of course I'm disappointed because he's been promising to take me since April. Even though the whole boat thing fell through, one would think that he'd find something else for us to do, but no, instead he's chopping it up w/ his friends. So I tell him I'm going across the street to the beach and he's asking me why I have an attitude. This turns into a disagreement that almost gets out of hand right there on the Negril 7 mile strip with both of us cussing each other out. There were even tears afterwards (shed by me out of anger, cause I wanted to rip his head off).

I think that was probably the last blow out we had, and everything was ok from then on. I don't want to fall for #4 and the up and down dysfunction and madness, but i have a little soft spot for his crazy ass. We agree that we do not understand each other much, but our spirits take to one another.
*rolls eyes*

Now lets talk about Sugar... the other 24 year old that popped off with.

This happened the same weekend of the above condom incident.

*raised eyebrows*

Now before I even got down to Mo Bay, her neighbor/ homeboy was checking for me. Apparently he saw me when I first arrived in Jamaica and stopped by my sister's house and proclaimed "it was love at first sight."

*Monie casts one of her infamous "nigga please" looks*

So, i wasn't even trying to hear his lameness... until I actually met him and saw what he looked like.

*Monie crosses and uncrosses her legs as she rocks back and forth*

Lawdy jeezus lawdy jeezus! The boy was damn...FINE. Ya'll hear me?

• Had the face--caramel complexion, chinky bedroom eyes, GAWGEOUS lips, nice nose, pretty teeth)
  
• Had the body---he must be drinking some extra fortified milk because he was thick to DEATH, but lean at the same time, nice pecs, legs, and an ass to rival Asafa Powell's.
• And he knew it, and thus, had that cockiness about him that I adore in a man. LOL
  

So I met him that Sunday. He came over to help out with cooking for the party. I'm inside the living room eyeing him, and he's eying me from the backyard, but I'm the type of girl who rarely puts herself out there.

I let them come hither.

Not cause I think I'm just the baddest bitch...but because I'm somewhat shy :)

So I go outside to get a paper towel close to where he is...cause I was sweating, plus I wanted to get a closer look. He's all smiling at me, and I smile back and go inside. Still no words exchanged. Next thing I know there's a huge downpour of rain and everyone runs inside the house. My sister brings him into her room to me and tells us to start talking.

So we're there making conversation. He's got me all nervous because he's staring at me and killing me with compliments. I didn't know what to do with myself.
As always, there's some shit to stink things up:

• He has a girlfriend
• He's 24
• He lives with his girlfriend
  

You know... same way it always goes for me. Someone play the violins, please.

Anyway, we start talking about physical attraction and sex, and here he goes telling me that even though he loves his girlfriend and he's happy with her, he would like the chance to be with me because he thinks we'd be good together. And even though he's young, he knows how to please a woman and how to make her comfortable

*crickets*

Boy puh-lease!!

But of course me being me, I'm always curious. So I entertain this madness and start asking questions. Next thing I know, he's lifting me up and bouncing me around like I weigh practically nothing. Now my curiosity is at its peak.

We both decide that we should fuck each other the following day.

So that next day is Monday and I'm going back and forth between should I do it/ should I not.

I reflect on the prior afternoon's Ving Rhames bounce-around and decide that I should.


It was rather good... but recalling it all now... not as good as #4. Additionally, his dick ain't as big as #4's. Overall, I'd give the pipe-game a 7.5. Also, might I add.. he gots to be one of the sweatiest mafuckas i ever smashed. I understand it's JA and the house had no AC but damn!

Word to the wise- several positions are great, however, don't switch things up too quickly.

But of course, as it always goes w/the Monie...this nigga tried to violate.

He tried to stick me without a condom.

Ya'll know I'm not in for that. I had to pull out the Pussy Stop Sign real quick.


Nigga, Halt!!!

See, we started off using the condom, and all was well. Halfway through, he decides he needs a break and takes it off, knowing we only had one. So I ease back from him and I'm chillin, however he's got other ideas in mind.

He was trying to convince me to just go for it, how he gets tested, and he never has sex with anyone but his girl.

Um, how bout no.

Nigga, you here creeping with me, but you don't have sex with anyone else???
You trifling.
So am I... but we talking about his ass right now.

Anywho. So he keeps trying to convince me, then tried to throw raw shaft on your girl. I promptly got up and started putting on clothes. After that he gave up and he went home to go shower.

I have not heard from his since. Nor do I care.

*shrug*

So, yes, that was those were the scandalous parts of my vacay. Aside from all that, I did a great deal of partying and chillin w/ my little cousin. Also getting to understand why it is #4 is the way he is. Not that I should care, but I'm curious about human behavior.

And his leads me to believe he's a socio-path. Go'n and click that there... you might have a sociopath in your cipher too. Those are the signs.

Sociopath and all, I have a little soft spot in my heart for #4-- which is not good. If you read that shit right there you will see that I need to leave him alone posthaste. We'll see how it all plays out. I'm trying to head back to the JA in December for a month. If I stay with him I can save a great deal of money and be okay to move into my DC apartment.

Yes, I know. Stupidity aflame, but hey... we all have our moments :D
I promise to do better...next year. LOL

Later Gators!

xomonie!

Stay tuned for the updates

Hey Blogbabies!

I know, I have been scarce. So much to tell you all about. Limited internet access because I have moved in #4's place the last week I'm here to save money. Unfortunately I will be bringing my trip to an end this Wednesday, but on the upside...scandalocity to come.

I done got some insurance dick from... let's call him Sugar. Cause that's what he likes to call himself for some strange reason I don't know. And wooo chile... Sugar slings the D like whoa. Details to come of how he picked me up and bounced me around like Ving Rhames did Mama in Babyboy

Additional fights between #4 and I... and how I felt myself gearing up to slap him with a piece of fruit.

And other tidbits from my vacay.

I know I have some folks to follow... I didn't forget ya'll ! and thanks for following me! I appreciate it.

monie

hey blogbabies!!!

i've been scarce. here enjoying Jamaica for the third time around this year. partying, minimal drinking, a smattering of mosquito bites... and #4 is back up in the mix.

*blank damn stare*

yeah, i know.. but a chick got needs. also, i have to give credit where its due.. he's been coming out the pockets for me since i got here. i guess he learned his cheap ass lesson. ya'll remember the cheap shit he pulled (go'n and click that there). however, #4 has quite a few aliases...and shit like that gets me to wondering. keep reading, i'll get to that later.

I flew in Wednesday, and Thursday my favorite cousin came to stay with me. we haven't seen each other in 5 years (she's been in England), but it was just like old times.

On Friday #4 took us out to the go-go/dancehall club (Scrub-a-dubs) and we had the best time and lots of laughs and jokes. We ended up sleeping over his house because he cussed out the security guard lady and then she cussed us all out and told me i couldn't have my guests stay because i have a single occupancy room. so now thanks to him anytime i have an overnight guests, i can't just be cool w/ security, i gotta pay $15 for every over night stay.
ugh.
that shit is gonna add up. so im lightweight torn between staying and finding somewhere else to stay. i will make up my mind on thursday though. i think what i'll do is just get a double occupancy room once my week is up.

oh yeah. lemme tell ya'll about #4's aliases. So, Saturday after him, my cousin, and I came from his house, we're catching a taxi and he's talking on the phone. My cousin hears him tell the person "It's Ryan."

Hmm.

So he gets off the phone and cuz is like "Your name is Ryan?" and he's like "My friends call me Ryan." And then he gets kinda quiet. Now, he aint never told me about no other name so i'm like, interesting.

today he left his i.d. in my room and what i believed to be his first name AINT EVEN HIS FIRST NAME! wtf?

now, i'm not tripping too hard because when i first started talking to him he did tell me that this name was his middle name. either way... some mafuckin lying is going on .

and i don't too tough like that shit.

i feel like i'm gonna find out a lot in these 3 weeks...
Carmen Sandiego is on the bloodclaat case. Whaaaaa? Shutuppppp. :/

however... he's still beating it up. i know, i'm a Slore, sue me.

He laid me the fuck OUT on the kitchen floor of my hotel room thursday night... and lets not even talk about last night... or this afternoon.
*in my New Orleans drawl*
Baby....


all i can say is he slang dick like he was born to do it. i'm convinced there's a scientific link between canibus and dickey rides.

*wipes brow*

Well, I'mma run along and get in the shower. We're supposed to go to this bar. No doubt I'll be washing my hair tommorow...cause he sho nuff gon' mess it up tonight. LOL.

To my new followers, thank you! And I can't believe I'm at 204 followers! Ya'll make a gal's day :D

besos!

Groupie Sex Tale: MAVADO & the Two Hundred Dollar Ho

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

"You're NEGATIVE, honey."

What.


A.


Week!!!





So if you've been following, you know that I recently went to go get blood work done after my visit to the GYN and I was freaking out because of the condom mishap w/ Drunken Munchkin.

Tuesday I went to the lab so they could draw blood and all that great stuff. However, I couldn't take not knowing my status another day. Tuesday and Wednesday I prayed, moped, worried, and complained about whether I was okay or not. My dear sister suggested that since I was so worried about the HIV that she and I go on over to Planned Parenthood and just take a test. I love her. :D

Today was the big day. Talk about being a bundle of nerves. I had the 'rhea (diarrhea) all morning, couldn't eat, just a ball of nerves; reading my Bible and constantly praying.


Thank goodness for Tales From A Groupie because it distracted me for a bit.

And is now one of my favorite blogs to read in my pastime.
I read one helluva story about Mavado. Wrote a blog about that, I'll post it after this.

I digress--

Anywho, my sister and I go to Planned Parenthood. Everyone in the waiting room is looking on edge. One girl called up whoever gave her an STD right there in the middle of waiting room and told the guy, Billy was his name, that she was going to kill him, and that she knew she" got it from him". Then she proceeded to call Billy's mama, ya'll. Everyone in the waiting room looked even more tense after that hot shit.

So they finally call my name.

I go in there, they give me the little pamphlet on the HIV, make me sign a consent form, and show me how to swab my mouth for the testing.

Swab, swab... and then...

I'm waiting what seems to be the longest 20 minutes of my life as the two nurse practitioners so nonchalantly talk about:

• teens with Chlamydia
  
• how Gonorrhea is still in action
  
• Syphillis too!
  
• lipstick parties
  
• the nurse who has been exposing people to Hepatitis C
  

Now, I'm already anxious as a muthaf/ck. Having to hear all that did not make me feel any better. Finally the timer goes off, and the Nurse Practitioner turns my swab stick around.

"You're negative, honey."

Best three words I've ever heard in my life.


I feel the need to share this story because all this time I've been going to my primary care physician thinking that they've been testing me for HIV during my physicals. I just heard from my therapist that it has just become apart of mandatory blood testing this year in the State of New York. Why? New York, you doing it all wrong, son!!

For the most part I have been socially responsible. I've had unprotected sex with 3 men in the 13 years I've been having sex, and that one condom breakage.... however, you never know where someone else has been and what they've been doing.

Life and good health is something precious. From now on me and whoever I have a sexual relationship with will be heading on over to the Planned Parenthood before anything pops off.

And if I have vacay sex, that ain't nothing but a thing. My older sister works in HIV/AIDS outreach down there. We can go together.

I feel like I've been playing Russian Roulette and lucked up.

From now on, every 6 months on the 16th of whatever month I land on, I'm going for an HIV test. Even if I ain't poppin' off, I'm still going to go. That means I'm due to go January 16, 2010.

There's nothing like knowing. Tonight I can rest peacefully. I pray the lab tests don't show anything bad either. I should know about that next week or so.

Besos Muffins!!


♥ Monie

GET TESTED, YA'LL!!

Vacay Trollopfication and Bust It Baby Bags

JA trip is going good so far. Lots of rain so not as much beach time. Still have yet to do my jet skiing though :(

And sooo...

Thursday we hit this club called Jungle, Boyfriend #4 and I. We had much fun, like we usually do when we go anywhere. After the club, we went to the spot.

Ya'll know we got it in. We went back to the same mosquito factory we went to the first time we got it in because this other cutesy spot we wanted to go to had no rooms. :(

Maybe tonight if I'm lucky?
Hehehe

Anywho, we get up in there, and Boyfriend #4 does some shit I absolutely hate.

He turns on the tv.

Ughhhh!!!

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you know you're about to fuck, and a dude either starts with the incessant talking or they turn on the tv. Now Boyfriend #4 knows I hate this, so he calls himself compromising by throwing a sheet over the tv.

Um, no.

Mind you, since not too many channels worked on the bullshit satellite tv, it was set to Chinese news in English.

That shit ain't sexy!!

I really wasn't in the mood for arguing, so I went into the bathroom, undressed and came back to the bed.

We gets to laying it down, kissing and all that, and then something really stupid was uttered by Boyfriend #4 about him wanting to "breed me" and when were we going to have a baby.

Where my imaginary pet donkey at?

*Pet Donkey steps out into the light and brays*

Hee haw, hee haw, nigga, hell naw!

Me: I don't think so.

Him: Why?

Me: I can give you a million reasons. One, I need to get my career in order, my schooling finished, and a whole lot of other shit. And you need to get yourself in order too. PUT ON THAT CONDOM.

I'm glad he took heed and didn't push.

I am also glad to inform you I bought my own Magnums with me, and I am glad I did, because you know why?

*Audience chimes in:*

Why Monie??

Monie pulls out a box of Durex condoms and stomps the dogshit out of the box

Audience gasps in horror

Monie: Because Boyfriend #4 is yet another big dick nigga using Durex condoms.

*Audience boos*

Exactly. We got into a mini-bickering about it, and in the end we were both happy because my 3 Magnums were used, along with his 2 Durex (sue me, I got desperate) and Boyfriend #4 put in some work that made me wanna pull a Beyonce and buy a nigga a shorts set.

If Pochahontas could smile, I think that bitch would be grinning... even right now.

Later down in that morning all we wanted to do was stay in bed, chill, and commence to some more serious fuckin'. We didn't have anymore condoms, so he got up and got us breakfast, some weed for himself, and some condoms, and something that made me like him a little bit more.

He bought me a comb, ya'll.

*swoons*

LOL

Now granted it was a comb I aint seen since my little girl days at Grandma's house back in '91...



But I'm a sucker for thoughtful shit, even if it doesn't necessarily much.

Unfortunately, I got caught out there without my Buss It Baby bag. Let me explain the Buss It Baby Bag to ya'll.

Ladies pull up a chair, and listen keenly:

Sometimes we get caught out there, wanting to have spontaneous sexual relations and we end up at the spot, coming home after day breaks looking like a hot shitastrophic mess, all because we didn't have our Bust It Baby Bag. This used to happen to me all the time when I lived in DC after taking on Iberian Lynx, and coming home looking like I did infact escape from the Jungle. You know what I'm talkin' bout-- having to go home in day old clothes , and having to rock one of his hats that didn't match what I wore, consequently making me look real bamma-like. Took me a while to catch on, but eventually I did.

I digress... so yes... the Bust It Baby bag doesn't have to be big. You can fit the essentials in a small cosmetic purse that can be squeezed into your club bag. If you have a nice sized purse, this works out even better, because you can put together a Bust It Baby Bag Plus and fit a tshirt or wife B in there.

Bust it Baby bag should have:

travel sized toothbrush and tooth paste

1 panty

comb and ponytail holder

Always Wipes

Condoms (he love you cause you got your own)

your MAC finishing powder

plastic shower cap

1 ziplock bag to put the night before's panties inside

Bust It Baby Bag Plus should include all of the above and:

a pair of flats/flip flops (depending on the season)

spandex

t shirt/ wife b

plastic bag for your dirty clothes

and anything else you think you might need that you can squeeze in there. Now you know. If this is ever a topic on Family Fued, you got this, son!


Ps- Bust It Baby Bag Plus is also for the big gals or the gals like myself obsessed w/ having all her fat lay down flat that rock girdles. Speaking of girldles , Sometimes them hos are not a friend. I will blog about this later though.

I digress.

So...the other morning I was kicking myself for not having my Buss It Baby Essentials. I had my wipes and condoms, but no comb, no clean drawls.

I felt quite skeevy after showering and having to put back on my club clothes which were a damn mess. I wore a white top that night and my makeup transferred all on the collar. I had to put back on my 5 inch heels and spandex. Now picture me trying to get back to my hotel at 3 in the afternoon. And yes, the hotel guards mistook me for a prostitute because they couldn't see my ID band under my bracelets. I practically ran to my room for another shower, and to brush my teeth, wash my hair and get clean.

Ugh.

See, how there's always some shit that pops off when I'm tryna be a trollop? I am convinced, I am not supposed to be having sex. I wish I didn't enjoy it so much.

Alright Kiddos, bout to run off to dinner. I'll be back w/ more updates!

xoxomonie!

Dick Stress, Dick Retirement

Hey Blog Muffins!

I know; I've been scarce. Between school work, stressing, prepping for JA vacay Part II, and other little stuff....life's been busy.

My Gripe:

So when we last left off in this soap opera that is my life (aka The Young & the Reckless, lol), I was supposed to go to Planned Parenthood to get my exam and STI panel.

*sigh*

Can we just say that I do not appreciate Planned Parenthood playing with my vagina? They called me like the day before to tell me they had to reschedule me because the doc/nurse practicioner wouldn't be in that day. It kind of worked out to my benefit though, because I found a gynecologist that lives practically around the corner.

All week I stressed myself out wondering if I had this or that STI. I spent majority of my free time watching The Golden Girls, eating ice cream cups, drinking glass fulls of Very Vanilla Silk Soymilk ( trying to combat the fat with Alli Pills) and googling STI's and their symptoms.

Why?

Because I am a hypochondriac.

Between all the stress and sweets I wound up with this big ass zit on my forehead. I just can't wait for tommorow to get my exam. I'm still praying everything is okay. I haven't spoken to D/m either. I don't think I'll ever have relations with him again. He turned me ALL the way off with those cheap, triffling ass Durex condoms.

....buuuuut then again, I've sworn up, down, and sideways that I'd never smash that again...now here I am... worried about my health and my vagina. I could beat my self.

On another note...

I'm already considering hagning up my pimp jersey. Even though I've barely gotten started.

Matter fact, I'm gonna just retire from dick (after my vacay, lls)

There should be like, an AFLAC for dick retirement.

Call that joint Dflac. You should be able to receive:

• monthly/ bi-monthly checks (depending on how dick-deprived one is) to be used on toys, antidepressant co-pays, and food
• stuffed duck keychain
• some type of membership award club card for not getting dicked down.

Duck, duck, goose, bitch :D

Folks, we need to see about making this official.

I'm just gonna put Pocahontas on lock, maintain this pace I have going with my school work, party, and enjoy my summer, dick-free.

I cannot handle having two sexual relationships.

I ain't built for this shit.

It's too stressful.

I think a big part of me went through with slaying D/m because I felt like I needed insurance dick or possibly, get-back dick.
Let's define 'em:

What's insurance dick?

Insurance dick is like get back dick, only it happens ahead of time, before a dumb ass gets to hurt your feelings, break your heart, cheat on you first; you know, stuff like that.

Get back dick is when ole boy fucks up and you feel the need to be vengeful. So you ride the next dick in hopes to feel better.

It works.

Sometimes.

Anywho, I never used to invest in insurance dick, but after being hurt time and again, there have been two times I just had to take it there. I'm a Leo; we like revenge...what can I say. This is something I've been working on.

Dear God,

I'm trying. You know I am. Help me to be better. Amen.

I digress-- so yeah. When I saw that B/f #4 was getting his little email mack on, I was quite vexed. Consequently, this did play a role in me smashing D/m... so much to the point that while I was enjoying the artform that is cunnilingus, I was simultaneously reveling on the fact that I was getting mine, and b/f #4 was now on the decietful end of the stick.

Even though I put myself in fool situations sometimes, I hate being played for the fool. Quite oxymoronic, I know.

Maybe I'll continue to juggle and not have sex w/ any of them? I'll sort this out at therapy this week.

Decisions..decisions...

If only I could meet one normal, sane man that actually likes me. That would cut out 1/3 of my drama! Maybe one day I will be so lucky.

*shrug*

Anyway, I'm gonna go get some rest. Tommorow's my big day :D

xoxomonie!!!

Yeah, I Got It In, but...

So Friday night, I did not end up at Prime. Ya'll know what that means, right?

Yup! Trollopfication.

*sigh*

K. didn't have a babysitter (as usual-- which is always the reason plans get left abandoned), so I was set to stay in. Earlier in the day D/m had text me, and left things open, so I wasn't really looking to see him:

Him: Hey Miss *Enter My Last Name*

Me: Hey Mr. *Enter His last name

Him: Whats going on miss?

Me: I should be asking you...

Him: Y u say that

Me: Aint you supposed to service my parts?

Him: You are up for inspection, aren't you?

Me: Indeed. I hope I pass..it's been a while

I don't hear shit from him til eight hours later. As we all know, I don't deal with the fisher price-romper room type of games when it comes to getting my shit off.

So I text him at 9-something:

Me: So...

Him: Just awoke from my afternoon nap

Me: What a long nap. You was drankin??

Him: Now y would i be doing that? Are you in for the night?

Me: Well, so far I am. u?

Him: I am if you tryna see me

Me: I told u i was tryna see u from last week. Stop playing hard to get and shit :)p

Him: Cool, u dressed?

Me: I will be in 15 minutes

(I had already started my shower/shave/scrub procedure from when I first hit him with the text around 9. Talk about being sure of yourself, smh)

Him: ok

Me (about 10 minutes later): Ready when you are

Him: Ok, be there in like 10

So a whole half hour passes (damn, I hate CP time), and he texts me that he's outside. I head out, get in the car, and we head over to his place which is not far. We get in there, of course he's talk, talk, talking away. We talked for an hour and half (yes, I kept my eye on the clock) about basically nothing. So I start getting restless, and ask him if he has anything to drank. He's got rum and coke, I tell him to go get that shit and commence to taking off my pants.

So I can be comfortable while having my drink.

*blank stare*

Also, from past experience I know that if I don't take off my pants, more incessant talking is sure to come.

So he gets back, pours the drinks, I get on the bed, kill my drink and tell him lets get it in.

We won't get into all the lovely details, but I will say being on the receiving end of head for two 45 minute-plus sessions is fantastic.

What is not fantastic is when the condom breaks. :(

After he gets up off me and goes to the bathroom I check myself and see that Pocahontas felt extra wet... so I knew what was up.

We ended up getting into an arguement that went like this:

Me: Did the condom break?

Him: Yeah. It ripped on the side.

This simple Simon mafucka comes back to me holding up the ripped condom.

Me: Shit! Go get me a rag and a towel. Quick! I don't want no fuckin' kids. This is all your fault. You know your dick is too big to be trying to use some Durex condoms.

Him: What?!

Me: Yes, you heard me. Did you get them joints for free or something? Don't you usually have Magnums? I know its a recession and all but damn. I ain't trying to catch no diseases or have nobody's kids.

Him: Me neither. It's not apart of my 3-year plan.

He gives me the rag and towel

Me (inspecting it): Is this clean?

Him: Why would I give you some dirty shit?

I didn't answer him that becuase niggas are trife like that sometimes, and also, I had to get to the important matter at hand: scrubbing Pochahontas with the antibacterial soap and warm water and then peeing.

(As I am typing this I am still pissed. I knew I should've kept my black ass home, I knew it!)

It's a good thing I'm going to Planned Parenthood for my checkup on Wednesday.

Anywho, I go back to his room, and we're in the bed having the whole "disease/pregnancy" convo in more detail. I won't go in. After that I decided that I should dig up old shit and ask him about the time he dissed me when we were kids, and that I still felt salty about it after all these years. He said he didn't think it was a big deal because I never actually told him I liked him, and he just thought we were like best friends, and that he was hearing rumours that I was messing w/ this other kid, in which I had to let him know that it wasn't until after he pulled that stunt. He still disagrees, and is shocked to know this was the reason I didn't talk to him for so many years.

Whatever.


[If I had 20 bucks for the times I've crossed that friendship line with my male friends... I'd be about $60 dollars richer (lol) because they always hit me with that "I didn't know you like me" bullshit. ]

Naw, nigga, I'm just fucking you/kissing on you (etc) because we're such close and good friends.

*Monie kicks all three boo-not-nots from her past in their hind parts*

Smh.

Anywho, I demanded that he apologize to me, and he did. Verbally and... otherwise. Hehehehehe

Needless to say, we ended up exhausted and falling asleep til about 5: 15am.

Waking up, I realized there is indeed a negative side to Daylights Savings time.

During the winter months, one is able to carry on trollopcy til about 6:30 am because it's still a bit dark. Not when Spring rolls around! You better be headed home in the four o' clock hour else you might be spotted. And if your house is set up how mine is, where your bedroom is next to your moms, it sucks.

Because my hair looked like the Rocky Horror Show.

And it just so happened that she was awake because someone tried to break into the house and the police came because the alarm went off. I'm not sure if she saw my shitastrophic hair while I sprinted to my bedroom, but she didnt say anything.

*shrug*

Anywho, because of the damn Durex breakage, I can't even revel on the greatness that was sexual relations that night because I am a hypochondriac. I should have listened to that voice of reasoning when I went to target and waltzed past the condoms.

There were a whole slew of Mags just there for the taking. But because he always used Magnums before (and we ALWAYS use condoms) I just assumed that he was brand loyal.

Apparently not. Now I'm the donkey in the spotlight hee-hawing. Ugh!

Dear God,
Please let me be STI free and not pregnant.

*Sigh*

Later Muffins! I'm going to get a nap in before I start my lil partime hustle.

xoxoxmonie!

it's hot outside, and damn if i don't feel frisky, pimp shit--random

True Life- I Wanna Fuck

I don't know what it is, but whenever the weather gets warm... I be wanting to fuck (pardon my hood-like syntax). It's been like this for 13 years now. May of '96 I was just ITCHING to lose my virginity. Funnily enough, I was supposed to lose it to the Drunken Munchkin, but the wrong one came along in June and trumped him. Consider it payback for this. Go'n and click that there if you didn't read it before,lol.

Anywho, this affliction may cause me to get into some shit I don't particularly want to get into.

I mean, I could change my mind, but for now-- I've decided to add The Drunken Munchkin back to my stable.

(Yes, I know I said I was going to hold out for the Jay-z-Beyonce good lovin' , but its taking too long, and I am convinced that men hate me)
Whatever.

I lightweight hate myself for doing this, but he's G.G.D. (Guaranteed Good Dick) and the nastiest trollop I know. And a chick like me loves that shit!

Tuesday night my hormones got the best of me, so I text him some shit that I knew would reel him in:

*Cue in "I Choose You" ; my theme music for the summer*

My mind ran across you...wondered how you were doing? Hope all is well.

He texts back:

Lemme find out I cross your mind...lol..i'm good, what's going on with you?

Me: Lol, yeah you do. In more ways than one *devilish face* Glad to know all is well though. I'm bored as fuck; maintaining, but enjoying it since school starts next week

* Turn my theme music up a little bit more please, Monie bout to reel him in!*

Him: Look at you..bad girl...lol...haven't seen you in the gym lately. you been slaking mami???

Me: I know. This heat be making me frisky. Imma have to find a way to tame that :)p. i haven't been to the gym lately; been in and out of town, but I do taebo and weights etc at home

Him: Damn, I hope it stays hot. You long overdue for a session
Me: I am..u should pencil me in one of these days

*Louder, I wanna be able to hear the phlegm in Willie Hutch's voice as he sangs 'I choose youuuuu, baby'*

Him: Shit, you let me know. I'll put you in in permanent marker!

*GOAL! *

Me: Well when ARE you able to relieve some of my tension?

Him: Damn girl, why you start talking like this when i leave for FL tommorow?

Me: I'm too jealous! And you're killing me right now cause I'm ready to fuck and you about to skip town. When you coming back?

Him: I get back Wednesday

Me: Oh ok, maybe Friday then so you're rested, hehehehe

Him: Sounds good

Me: It does, don't it? :)

*Sigh*

I'm trying to talk myself into changing my mind, but I can't lie to myself: I don't want to. Plain as yogurt, shawty wanna fuck. 'Tis all.

Boyfriend #4 --my JA shorty-- wait, quick explanation--

(boyfriends 1,2,3, don't exist. I allow them to work their way up. These hoes aren't important enough to start back at 1, a la Brian McKnight)

(Why does he look like he's about to catch a big ole wad of cum on his face? Euwwww, nasty!)

*back to our regularly scheduled ho-gram*

I digress, so yeah, BF #4 and I talk almost everyday. Every other day he tells me that I better not f/ck anyone else, and he'll be able to tell if I do when I take a trip back in June.

*Raised eyebrow*

Now, when I got back, I considered keeping Pocahontas under lock and key, special just for him.

But I checked his email (we'll talk about this another day) and saw that he was emailing the next bitch telling her he missed her. She emailed him back, and I read it, hit "Shift K" to mark it unread, and decided to find 6 boyfriends by the end of August.

Not to mention I am sure he's kicking it with other females. My intuition tells me so, and I listen to that joint.

AND let's not forget the fact that he has a girlfriend, albeit estranged (to let him tell it), but still has a girlfriend none the less.

I'm not giving my loyalty to another man unless he proves himself. In the past, I have been loyal to dudes who saw me as nothing more than a jump... not anymore.

I vow to exercise my pimp hand, and treat these dudes like the hos they are. Not to say I'm gonna be out here fucking them all, because more than likely I'm not, but if I wanna smash-- I'm not going to deny myself.

Besides, thanks to Miss Netta, I am aware that there is help in the form of Pussy B Tight, or whatever that stuff is called. Although I'm scared of rubbing foreign substances on Pocahontas, I would do it. Just so I don't get called out. Hehehe

Well, that's all. Im about to go to the movies with Sissie Dearest. Thanks to everybody who reads. It makes me feel special to know that 102 of ya'll are entertained by lil ole moi. Thank you all!

xoxomonie!

Punanny Disrespect- A PSA

*Monie pulls her lacefront wig off (as not to set that bitch on fire), throws it on the ground, and watches it hit the floor.

She then pulls out two cuban cigars to smoke on either side of her mouth; lights, puff-puff-puff; exhale*

Niggas--- ya'll gon' fuck around and give me cancer, I swear.

*Monie shakes her head*

Someone done disrespected my homegirl's pussy.
And a marketing management grad degree seeking chick such as myself takes offense to the shit!

First, let's define this shitastrophe:

Punanny Disrespect (verb): treating the punanny with contempt or rudeness by:
1. not being able to get your dick hard
2. not being able to swing your dick properly (especially after you bragged on that worthless mafucka)
3. poor or inferior head game (especially if you're over the age of 22; cmon now!!) and
4. breakneck speed splash-off; especially if you haven't gotten off yet

(Quite sure there's a whole lot to add to the list; feel free to chime in via comments)

Now let's talk about this.

Men-- some of ya'll have NO idea what we go through to prepare for pussy relinquishment. It's a lot. It's a whole lot, dammit. We have to plan around our monthlies, shave armpits, PUBLIC hairs, legs, body scrubs , fairly expensive lotions, perfumes, pretty matching bra and panty sets,manis, pedis, the whole nine.

Now, let's break this down cost wise:

Birth Control Pills: $10 (let's pretend we all have insurance)
Condoms:$8
Schick Intuition razor: $9
Any good exfoliating salt scrub: $24 (and up)
Any good lotion: $8 (and up)
Manicure: $10
Pedicure: $40
Perfume: $40
Bra & Panty set from Vickies (not even an expensive place, mind you): $73

Now let's add this up:

Roughly $212 dollars

For the average, college grad female, this totals out to about 17 hours of her work schedule. So when we opt to give up the pussy, it's not just about bussin' a nut. A bitch is trying to atleast break even.

For advertising costs!
Overhead!! All that son!!!!

There is a reason why sex is referred to as "the business".

Stop, think about it!!!!!

So when punanny disrespect occurs, you are in essence, fucking up her investment, and most important, fucking with her bank!!

So if you know you're a limp dick nigga, who can't fuck get lost.

If you know, you have low-grade, substandard head game, just opt to lick ass instead. Even if we don't like it; at least all is not lost when we brag on the fact you damn near had your neck in our rectum.

If you know you a come-quick type nigga, smoke some weed, get that viagra, get some of that 'yak.. do something.

I am so glad this was not my experience. Because I am poor; and when you fuck up a poor person's investment.. you're likely to get killed.

I dare a nigga to Romper Room on my pussy.

I kill him dead, like Miss Sophia!! LOL

Have a good day, ya'll. And as always... use condoms.

*Sigh*

Monie

Certified Trollop!! Bust it wide open, and I tell him bring it back! Lol

i missed ya'll out there in blog-land!!! :)

Hon-eysssss!!! The celibacy went out the window this Tuesday and Wednesday.

-- i know right---what happened?

That's right-- ya girl gave up the cutty-- and I am glad to say, it was all I hoped it would be, and then some.


you know i'm gonna tell ya'll!! let's see if i can make this an abridged version... you know i don't know how to keep shit short, but i'll try.

anywho

when you're keeping your pimp hand strong, as my dear friend often says, its quite easy to get carried away and eventually cut something. Check this:

I had one cutie for each shift up in my face the past 9 days, but it just so happened that his spot (9-11pm dinner time) was kinda free. As you will see,sometimes the shifts overlapped, but none of the men worked in the same area of the resort. there was even one for the late night if i'm not out at the clubhouse shift, from 11-7 am.

• 7am-3pm- G.
  
• 8 am-10am (during breakfast): C
  
• 8pm-11, and BEYOND: Black Power (this will be explained)
  
  
• 11-7am- K- he was cool; willing to cut out of his shift and risk his job to take me to the clubhouse because I was pouting after being stood up by my ex :(

then there were others; the guy who gave me the good price for the JetSki ride (i think I'm the only person on EARF to ever ride a jetski in a DRESS and GIRDLE, LMAO) , this other fine ass dude (he made me want to switch resorts, he was so sexy) at the sister-resort that I had to jetski over to to use their ATM, etc. Some names I can't remember. Anywho..

but let's talk about homeboy who took my celibacy, knocked it out the damn ballpark, ran after it, caught it himself, threw the ball up, and smacked it with the bat all on his own.

Clawdhammercy.. smh @ memories..

This is who I refer to as "Black Power". Because when I came that first night (for the fifth and final time that Tues), I put up the black power fist. Yes, yes, ya'll... and its not just because Barack Obama is president.

Literally. I tell you no lies; this kid's pipe game was lunacy!!

I probably would have candy-rained a few more times, but there were only 2 condoms, and ya'll know Monie doesn't condone the unprotected.

#1189- Always carry condoms on vacation, even if you swear you're not going to do anything.


Sooo, who is Black Power? This dude who worked at the resort we stayed at. He peeped me, and I peeped him, cause he was fine, and my eyes don't miss those kinds of things.

Monday_

So this Monday, we get to chitchatting. He's telling me he's been looking out for me since he saw me last week, and now he's finally getting a chance to see me. So after seeing how sexy his smile was, I decide that he, my sister, and I should hang out. I definitely wasn't gonna pass it up, because we hadn't been going anywhere until he came along. ya'll know, i'm ALWAYS trying to shake ass. We meet up after his shift at 11; he's got his homeboy in tow, J, who was kinda cute also.

Sidebar-I fucking LOVE Jamaica... not just for the beach, fun, and rum, but for the men. They are fucking FINE, even though 2/3 of them are TERRIBLE. and i can say this, because that is my culture, so i know firsthand.

i DIGRESS.

anywho, we go out to this club/strip club. its kinda empty, but me and my sister and Black Power got 4 cues of Appletons rum and pepsi and made our own fun.

We talked about damn near everything; he said he had a girlfriend who was studying law who he hadn't seen in 9 months (she lives an hour away; in law school, but they don't see each other? wtf??!!), none of my business though; and was really honest about a lot of stuff, which I respect.


To me, there's nothing worse than a man who lies, thinking that its gonna allow him to smash.

I'm here to tell you... you can get way more box just by being honest.

he's very entertaining and straighforward. Really funny, and creative. All the stuff that makes a fine man, just that much more finer.

So anywho,

His friend had dipped out, and came back, so when he came back, i left him and my sister to themselves, and he and i went and kicked it on the inside of the club.

I just wanna say-- spandex are great. It allows you flexibility for trollop like dance moves. I had on some spandex with this cute dress/top and my rocker girl stilettos.

And the gym is great also. I'm way more flexible than I've been since HS track. I can now balance on my tailbone while holding up both my own legs. Granted, there's a roll of fat when I do this, as I am not down to the size 6 I am seeking, but hey.

A bitch is in pretty good shape.
And I'm on my way, dammit! 10 baby, aow! :)p

Anywho, a lot of sexual insinuation was going on up at the clubhouse, and a dry pussy bitch like I USED to be, was loving it.


Betwinxt all the Appletons and contact weed smoke, I was kinda buzzed. We got home at like 5 in the AM. I kicked it with my late night/early moring front desk boo til like 6 then went to get some sleep.

Tuesday_

I totally unleashed the trollop in me on Tuesday. Subconciously, I knew I would.

*Crickets*

Damn, ok, I knew I would.It wasn't subconsious at all. Why else would a gal wear crotchless Spanx shorts under a dress that stops mid thigh? LOL. Needless to say, we ended up getting up on a room after shooting a bit of pool.

The dick game: LOVELY.

All the mosquito bites I have all over my arms and legs from thrashing around bucket nekkid in a room with the windows open: NOT LOVELY.

*Where's my imaginary cloves at? Lights one up*

He did some shit, that would usually have me running from such a big dick, but he did it so slow and right, ya'll that I will probably replay it in my mind for years to come. Men, some of you do not know the power of working your waist the right way.

Rare shit, rare shit!! Like a Pinta Island Tortoise; go'n and click that there!

Cause ya'll know-- I cherish good dick like that.

He eased me back into the game of hot dick and nuts the right way, because of course the Pochantas was extra tight after such a long time of non-usage. Between him not being too savage and me being wetter than Shaquille O'neal in a sauna-- we made magic.

Wednesday_

And we made more magic again on Wednesday night. He did me so proper, and had me so disoriented I put on my spandex inside out.

I hadn't made plans to tell Sissy Dear that I was in fact getting some pipe, but she oh so smugly pointed out on our way back to our room that my spandex were on inside out with the tag on blast.

To which I replied, "Sometimes, a girl's gotta be a trollop."

Now I'm back home, missing my favorite island. :(

And it pains me to admit that I'm missing Black Power as well. I don't want to have a crush on anyone this quick that lives that far, who does in fact have a girlfriend. I don't care if he sees her or not.

Chemistry can be a bit of a problem under the wrong circumstances.

There is only one other person I've just clicked with, and it turned out to be bad business.

According to him, he and the girlfriend have kinda been over for a long time, and he just hadn't met anyone, and he's thinking it could be me.

*blank stare*

But other than that, life is good. Summer session starts in 3 weeks. I'm about to head to Ohio to see my brother where more good times shall roll. But no trollopcy, I promise!! Hehehee :-)

-monie!