Bitch, Ask Your Husband!

Hey Blog muffins!! I can't even recap the Ohio trip, because the following fuckery occured and trumped its importance. I give to you:

Bitch, Ask Your Husband-- Don't text me with the bullshit. Enjoy!


Let me hit you with the following excerpt from a traditional wedding vow…



Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind. It is intended for their mutual joy – and for the help and comfort given on another in prosperity and adversity. But more importantly – it is a means through which a stable and loving environment may be attained.



Through marriage, Ho Ass Nigga and Illiterate Ass Ho make a commitment together to face their disappointments – embrace their dreams – realize their hopes – and accept each other’s failures. Ho Ass Nigga and Illiterate Ass Ho will promise one another to aspire to these ideals throughout their lives together – through mutual understanding – openness – and sensitivity to each other.


Now, my name ain’t Ho Ass Nigga, and it fa sho ain’t Illiterate Ass Ho, so why do I get asked the following fuckery by Illiterate Ass Ho in the wee hours of the morning??


Picture it:

2:27 am; your insomniac ass awakes to see the following text message coming from some trollop-ass nigga that gave you his number:




“Helo mo y are you textn my husband at 3 am”


* Everybody all together now, chime in audience style: *

“BITCH, ASK YOUR HUSBAND!”

*Family Fued style *ding! * goes off*

Ughhh!!

There I was, not only aggravated by the illiteracy of the text message, but aggravated because she is asking me why I’m texting him.

Now my first reaction was to text-thug the bitch and read her.

The old Mo would have set the QWERTY keypad on fire with something like:

“Because he likes me. He thinks I’m sexy. You should see me. I totally agree.”

or

“What the fuck? You need to go ask your man why he’s texting me back at 3:02 in the morning. He gave me his number, and seems to be unaware of the fact that the two of you are married. You should have a talk with him, and I should not be included, as I am not apart of your marriage union. Clearly, there is something amiss in your relationship. Don’t call or text my phone either because I ain’t responsible for how you're going to feel when we get done talking.”

Not too mean, but nasty enough to warrant drama, which is something I want no part of.

However, therapy has taught me to wait a while before taking action, since I am an impulsive mafucka.

So around 2:30 I politely text back:

“Hello to you…wow! Because he didn’t tell me he was anyone’s husband. Since that’s the case, he can lose my #! Thx!




After all the nice little vows he agreed to, she should be asking him, not me. I don’t owe any explanations because:

I did not take any vows

I didn’t exchange any bodily fluids with him – particularly because he didn’t meet my “looks requirement”... plus it was the week of the 12th-- ya'll know what that means!

Jagged Edge was not playing while I was meeting anyone at the alter in my white dress

My ring finger- nobody has yet to like it enough to put anything there.

Bitch, I don't know you! ( which should be #1 on this list)




I try my best not to home-wreck; I really do. When this woman’s husband was talking all kinds of shit to me, calling me “his wife” (what irony!) I asked him specifically HOW MANY WOMEN did he have. He said he had none. Of course I didn’t believe this, but my thing is this:

Don’t lie. Be honest. Honesty is the biggest turn on next to a big dick and a smile.

There’s plenty of women out there who don’t mind fucking with married niggas (not me).

There’s a vast sea of mistresses out there just waiting to get slayed on a mattress at the Comfort Inn. Just not me.

I think I'm going to call him one last time and refer him to my rules on how to step out on your woman. Go'n and click that there.


I shall also let him reference my supplement Stepping Out: How to Avoid Being A Donkey Click that there when you're done!

Smdh!! Contrary to popular belief, I’m a good girl-- for the most part. It’s just that something about me screams side bitch to these dudes. It might be the things I say. Could be the way I dance. Maybe I got that ho- walk? Either way, I shall discuss this at therapy. And this my friends, is why a bitch can’t ever cease sessions.

Reference:
http://www.weddingplanninglinks.com/planning/traditionalweddingvows.html


ps- to my new followers, thank you!! i shall be reading up and subscribing to you guys!! xoxox monie!

My name is Simone, and I am a Spinster Bitch..who ain't doing shit today!

i am burnt.
the. fuck.
out.

i'm frazzled!! i've been working non-stop off of minimal hours of sleep so that i can get all this shit done before heading to jamaica, but dammit.

a ho cain't take no mo', for the rest of the day...

I AIN'T DOING SHIT!

• I'm gonna do 90 minutes of Taebo (maybe)
• catch up on some more blogs (yesssssss!)
• order something italian and yummy (definitely)
• read a trashy hood novel (fo' sho) and
• watch Stringer Bell and Bodie (mmmmhmmmm :-)

on another note: thank you Rio Tapatio for your blog award. It sooooo made my heart smile:-) i'm always a bit shocked to know that folks are entertained by insanity, lol. i enjoy your blog as well. it makes me wish i were more artsy. fab. and kewwwwl... just like you.

thanks again!

Spinster Bitch: My Worst Fear- A Short Story

I am terribly, disgustingly completely lonely.

Yeah, I said it. No shame in my game anymore.

It has been approximately 5 years since I've had a real relationship. And actually; he was so wack and dry... I don't even consider him.

Of course I've had my fuck buddies, the ones that have used me up and whored me out, lol. and those who claimed to be my man but really weren't--after, in between, once, during...hey, i believe in insurance dick.

Anywho, the point is I'm 26 (shit, round that off to 30 if you'd like) and I have yet to have a serious relationship. EVER.

I think it would be good to have one.
Especially since everyone's getting paired off and having kids. Because that leaves me with no club partners, no drinking buddies, basically no social life. I don't do the third wheel bullshit and my friends' boyfriends have wierdos/psychos/ugmos for friends.

(I don't know what I'm gonna do when I move to DC)

I refuse to have an ugly man. Tried it. Hated it!

Not a good look for me or my forehead. He was so homely I had my eyes squeezed shut the entire time (which felt like forever) to the point I had a headache and a slight crease in my forehead. Ain't that much Oil of Olay and Visine in the world! So even though he was a sweetheart, and would have given me his whole homely little world...
I couldn't do it. So I deaded that.

But...

Am I gonna be that old bitch in the club? Like Kerri Washington in I Think I Love My Wife (sans the overbite, of course)?

I have a sneaking suspicion that's going to be me. And it scares the shit out of me, I can't even lie. I feel like I'm gonna end up just like that. Being fabulous, but opting to marry someone boring and safe, who stimulates absolutely no part of me. Just so that I don't have to live alone in my old age with Life Alert.

Or God forbid, trying to homewreck some married man's relationship!?

Dear God, please don't allow this to happen.

I think about this almost everyday (even when I'm not menstrual) and it makes me terribly sad :-(

I can't front.

I'm one heck of a gal, and it sucks that no one may ever get to know it. *sigh*

My therapist and I agree that I'm extremely picky, and she says that's ok.

I agree with her.

Sheeeeeit, I've been through too much shit to allow some basketcase bastard to come into my life and fuck shit up. Even though a bitch has "coping skills"... I don't feel like using them all the time. LOL Seriously though; I've been through enough. Besides, somebody's gotta be the level-headed one in the relationship!

We think (lol @ "we" ; like she and i are a couple-- hell at this point, we might as well be) that I should consider online dating when I get my driving skills back in order.

(I have a panic disorder, so my driving is very limited)

There's no public transportation here after 6, and I don't trust nan nigga to take me home after I was date raped while I was living in MD.

So get this lameness-- I practice driving to and from Applebees in my town. When I get to the point where I can master driving without feeling afraid or having to drive with someone, then I can join match.com and date.

It makes me laugh to even think that this is what it has all come down to.

And I laugh so that I won't cry that this is what it has come down to.

I'm actually getting sleepy now. I haven't slept since yesterday 8 am.

Probably why I'm putting myself all on blast like this. Oh well.

*shrugs*

later gators :)

wish me luck in cheering up later. thx!

monie xo

Random Shit- the Reality TV edition

It's the 12th of the month, and dammit, we know what that means.
PMS!
Let the bitchery commence!

Isn't there a really uncanny resemblance between Miss New York and Lady Elaine Fairchild from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood?


They have similar bitch-like attitudes as well.
Wonder if the makeup has anything to do with it? Hmm..

This ho (New York, not Lady Elaine;-) has yet another show coming out... I won't be watching.


Where is that damn red trolley when you need it to come whisk someone's ass away?
I'm sooo over her. I wish Mr. Rogers were alive. So he could tell the trolley to take New York and Lady Elaine to the M.A.C. store :(

Day 26 - Random shit I've been wanting to say about them for a while now. I'm thinking seriously of twittering Diddy and putting in my complaints.

Mike- I love big Mike, but he got one more damn time to squeeze his big ass into a bubble vest. One more time!

And has the nerve to be wearing it with a tie?! Looking like a Berenstain Bear.

Awwww!! Kindness, Caring and Sharing.
I felt lightweight bad after reading that, but then I realized:

I am in fact doing most of the above.

I'm kind enough to share my opinion. I just don't have that caring part down yet, but by God's grace, I'mma git there!

- Isn't it hilarious how they always have to put captions on when Mike and Willie are speaking.

Especially Mike... cause everytime he opens his mouth I just hear Pootie Tang.

Sadatay!

Willie-
I don't know how I didn't include Willie in my line of men I'd smash if I could. He is single-handedly saving that damn Making the Band shitastrophe. Women (and some of ya'll men...mhmmm) are tuning in Thursday nights to see Willie's fine ass. He could've had one leg and a kickstand, I'd still beat!

Que

What in the Legend of Bagger Vance? What is this mafucka wearing?? This is an all the time thing for Que. He looks like a gerbil.

Old gerbil looks like he's doing his thing. Diddy might wanna call him up and replace Que. No one will be the wiser.


Robert- rides my nerves, but after this last episode, I've grown to love him. He spit the damn truth last Thursday night. I would have shown my left titty on the highway to see him throw that chair at Que and knock his little ass over.

Oooh! Is that a bangle on his wrist? Where is Miss Wendy when you need her? How you doin?!


Brian- is a bit annoying too.

Like someone sticking their dick in your ear. Don't trip, I'll talk about that another day, lol, I just don't have the energy tonight.

Anyway, I've never seen someone manage to look dingy even when they've been airbrushed. How does he do it? I like Brian though. He sings his little ass off.

Did I forget any of them? I feel like I should have included Dawn's ass. She's like the sixth member now. I mean, it could work.

Dawn has the balls to be down.

And the strap on.

Because we all know she bussin' Que's back wide open. Let me stop that. I like Dawn :)

Heheheheh... I need to behave myself. I'm going to bed. Easter service tommorow.
xoxomonie*

Massengill and Thongs-- Que, What is going on?!

Quick Que! Grab it!!

Ohh douche douche in the mafuggin bush.. smh

Que's vagina has been wide open and inflamed on display all season, and with each episode it's getting worse.


I'm trying to figure out what his damn problem is.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

01. Que is wearing Dawn's thongs. Them mafuckas are riding up in his ass and he can't handle it. It takes a real man to wear panties.

02. Dawn needs a smaller strap on. C'mon it's clear she's the one throwing the backshots. Que's asshole is busted wide open; he's in pain-- and he can't handle it. It takes a real man to get duked in the bum bum.

Awww!! Noah and Wade! I miss my show :,(

But moving on...

03. Diddy pass the Diflucan! Que has a raging yeast infection. It's itching and burning and what? He just can't handle it.

04. Que's on drugs.. which one (s) I'm not sure. Clearly, he can't handle them.

05. Certainly not anything prescribed though, because that may be something he needs to look into.


This shit is just all out of hand. I started to twitter Diddy to tell him to kick his ass out the group, but I couldn't be bothered. Ugh.




I'm turning in early tonight. I'm in a stanky mood. Menstrual. You know how that goes. I'm going to bed... before I start acting like Que.



Except my family ain't as nice as the rest of Day 26.

I would punched in the head. Literally.

xoxo-monie :)

Some folks are just friggin ridiculous...

I look at my phone...

and I look back and reflect on certain people and situations I've been in with them and come come to realize some folks are friggin ridiculous.

#4: In this life, you have to be careful how you treat people. Sometimes the folks you want to reach out to, you may not be able to because you've treated them like straight shit.

*I'm implementing this into my life rules; hence the "#4"

You cannot do the following to people and then expect them to be there for you:

1. mental abuse - - this is never good. you potentially run the risk of either getting the piss fire smacked out of you, or being on the receiving end of a whole gang of passive-agressive behavior. And while passive-agressive behavior gets a bad rap; personally, I like that shit. it's like the ultimate form of vendetta. *Lord, forgive me.
   
2. outright disrespect- - even though some folks are straight up less than (yup, I'm a classist); you still have to maintain respect. Especially if that person is your friend. You can't talk to them any old kind of way "just because we're friends" then expect that person to be down for you. The one you disrepect will be the same one who gets you set up to get that bad business. Trust and Believe.
   
3. theft- - please do not steal from anyone, and then call them a friend. Cause a chick like me will get drunk and tell everyone not to leave stuff around you, because you've attempted to steal shoes, jewelry, etc...
   
4. judging folks and being overly self righteousness- - this is never a good look. people want friends who accept them as they are. at least i do. don't get it twisted now: i welcome and appreciate you letting me know i'm slipping, but do.fucking.not.tell me what you would do if you were me, what i should be doing, who i can share my vaginal canal with.... none of that. don't do it.
   
5. abandoning a frienship-- you cannot proclaim that someone is one of your nearest and dearest friends, and then treat that person as if they don't exist until you know you're going to see them. I understand we all get busy (trust me, i know), but people know the difference between when their friends are busy and when they've forgotten them.
   
6. taking advantage-- this is the absolute fuck you to someone you call a friend. if you know a person can't but is willing because they love you; don't do it to them. and likewise, if you know you can't, don't be unfair to yourself and offer your help, money, clothes... vagina et cetera. It saves you a whole lot of headache. I learned this one the hard way.

By no means am I perfect. I've done shit, said shit I probably should not have, but after honest assessment, I know I've never deserved any of the above treatment. I let people treat me that way; up until fairly recently at that; because I wasn't loving myself enough. But now that I'm deeplymadlytruly in love with moi; the shit won't be going down anymore. I realize I don't have to be nasty and retaliate either. And I'm not cutting anyone off--- because who knows; one of those hos may be able to help me network and potentially gain money out this maf/cka (just being honest).

I am content simply placing such people on my Life Stove's backburner.

Put that in your pot and mek it bubble like SOUP! :)

Straight Bitchin'

PMS sucks

I'm in a shitty mood. Had they not jacked me for my Klonny at Guesthouse that night, I would take one.

S/b:How mad am I that the bouncer stole my meds, and probably hawked them off to some crackhead in the streets. I hope whoever turned my pills into crystal meth (or whatever people do to prescription meds) ended up at Beth Israel . Bitches.

Back to Pms.. so yeah...

I know I have it, and I don't need a doc to diagnose me. Besides, even if I wanted to , I can't. Because I haven't had healthcare bennies since 2006! Supposed to be getting Medicaid on Friday. We shall see how this turns out. I'm good for getting aggravated easily, and if the form is too long, I'll tear it up, and wait on my sister in the car. Because she's breaking down to go get Medicaid too. I've been putting getting public healthcare off for the longest because in my mind its like admitting you're truly poor. But K says she loves Medicaid. Because they cover abortions. And althought I doubt that I need that particular service, who knows? Better safe than sorry, right?

"You Have Issues"

Someone left this comment on one of my f/b statuses.

Ah.. some folks don't understand that thoughts are fleeting. They come in, they go out. Wax on, wax off.

When people say shit like this to me, I'm pretty unfazed. I've gone to therapists off and on since 2001, so clearly, there are some issues there. In my opinion, everyone should be going anyway. Then there would be no need for me to get raped by Sprint's Unlimited $99 Plan (that is never $99) every month, listening to the gripes and complaints of friends who refuse to go to therapy, but want my advice.

SO like I was saying.. I may feel one way one moment, and another way, probably minutes later. So what? Today I feel like I hate men. But it's only cause they hate me..or so it seems .

*Gas face*

But tommorow, maybe even tonight... there's a possibility that I'll be back to loving them. Because afterall, I might have sex again one day. But for now, I choose the layaway option. :) Go'n and click that there. It's just easier this way. Smdh.

Anywho..

I was supposed to call one of my potential (I use potential loosely) clients at 7. It's 7:09, and he's texting asking if we're still on. I'm treating him like a prostitute because he has yet to actually decide he wants one of my services. I don't work for free, and I don't give ideas for free. So I'm not in a rush. I let him know on Sunday if he calls and wants me to come to one more meeting, he must pay me for coming to the meeting. I don't play that shit. I have homework.

Lata Gators.
Pray that my spirits lift :(

xoxo