You Cannot Fall From Grace...

Hey Blogbabies!!

I finally got around to reading my October issue of Ebony with Whitney.

And dammit if I don't love her all the more!

Sidebar- Ebony outdoes Essence any day. I subscribe to both, but article-wise, Ebony writers are just on a whole nother skill set, son!

Anywho, I have always loved Whitney. From the time my dad got the first album where she had no damn hair

(wasn't no compact disc back then, lol)

til now.

Messiness and all. And strangely enough, the messier she became the more I (and many of ya'll too) adored her. Why? It showed that she is human.

The part that caught me the most in the article was a statement she made:

"...I thank him for chastening my heart, for never letting go. What I did sometimes... I went off and did my thing, but He never let me go"

Amen, Whitney.

She goes on to talk about her process of praying and asking God to correct what was wrong with her," to lift her so she could see her light again."

*Monie tears up*

I won't lie-- watching her on Being Bobby Brown was pure hilarity. I wasn't at all surprised that she could behave like that. First of all, she is a Leo. And!

Look at who she used to date.

Eddie Murphy

(crazy ass)

Darryl Strawberry

(cokehead ass)... cmon!

Ebony said that Whitney "fell from grace"

*Monie casts her infamous 'ho please' look*

First of all, cain't nobody fall from GOD's grace, which is the only grace that matters, ya dig? If you're a Christian you know that it is a free gift through Jesus Christ. The very fact that you can rise back after being so down bottom shows that it is impossible to be stripped of God's grace and his love.

This story affects me so much because it parallels my own.

C'mon let me show you the dark side of Monie. :)

I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia in 2007. Go'n and click that there if you don't know what it is.

It is the reason I had to move back home from the urrea. A combination of shit was going on in my life starting from like, May of that year.

Every month I seemed to sink deeper and deeper into depression. I had never been so unhappy in my life.

I stayed drinking. Like my entire purpose of drinking was to drink until I became so drunk that I could not feel anything and could not care about anything.
I stayed in the clubs like my name was on the damn lease.

And I never missed church on a Sunday through it all, lol.

Looking back, I think I always knew that even at my messiest I understood God sees it all and knows it all. I think it was also my way of trying to assure myself that if I did go, God wouldn't forget about me, despite my behavior.


So there I was I hanging out with T's hoodbooga ass, on the road to becoming a hoodbooga my damn self... and shit was just spiraling out of control.
But for some crazy reason I kept trying to convince myself that I was happy because I SHOULD be happy.

The week before my 25th birthday I felt like i had enough. I came home from work with the intention of committing suicide. With a Cheap bottle of Moet that was just sitting in my freezer and a huge bottle of Ibuprofen. I turned off my cellphone and plugged out my landline, ready to go!

Obviously, a bitch is still here, and I am so glad I didn't go through with it.

I won't go into all the detail, but in the middle of thinking about what it is that I was actually about to do... I knew it wasn't right. I knew it was not the way that I was supposed to go out. I remember just calling on Jesus over and over again until I was strong enough to pour the Moet down the sink. When I turned my phone back on my Mom was actually calling, and said she sensed something was wrong with me. Scary, huh?

So after that happened, one would've thought I'd start making changes. However, I was not in the right state of mind. Clearly. The one good thing I did was start my masters, but I continued with my usual madness. Drinking, partying. And I thought it was alright cause I was still going to church. I'd be at the alter every Sunday. Even started going to Bible Study. And hitting the club afterwards.

*Monie turns up the Temptations' "Ball of Confusion" on her radio*

Towards the end of September the panic attacks started.

Now, I 've dealt with panic attacks off and on for the past 9 years, but this time it was just turrbull!

And they'd happen in the strangest of places. The first time I remember getting one, I was drunk in the drive thru of Mc Donalds on Georgia Ave. After that, I'd get them on the metro. Even though I was only on metro for all of 4 stops, it felt like an eternity. I tried taking the bus, but then I started getting attacks on the bus. I got scared of being alone, and I swore everyone was looking at me crazy.

I felt like I always needed someone close to me, like,i stopped trusting myself to take care of myself. and that is one of the worst feelings you can ever have, let me tell you.

Thank God for Nikks who always used to come rescue me since I basically gave her loan of my car to the point it was like it was hers anyway :) And no matter what, she'd always come and get me. There is nothing like knowing you have a friend that is always there for you when you're in a situation like that.
One day I was basically stranded at work because I started becoming afraid of having the panic attacks. That's when I knew something had to give. I didn't want to keep having to depend on people, so I packed my things into storage, took Dinka cat, and moved on back home to NY by October.

I remember the last time I went to church in Maryland, I stood at the alter, just wanting God to work a miracle right then and there. But sometimes miracles are slow. However, there was an affirmation. After the prayer the Pastor turned to the whole congregation and told them God had something big in store for my life. And mind you, I was not the only one up there.

But ... things with me got worse before they got better.

The panic was becoming even more severe. I wasn't even be able to sit in a car to go around the corner. I would have to lay down on the floor in the back seat just to get anywhere. I was even afraid of being home by myself. I knew I had to go to therapy, so I went. That's when I was diagnosed with the Agoraphobia. It got to the point where I was housebound because I was so afraid, and because I was unable to do anything that made me even more depressed.

It took me 7 months, therapy, 2 Iyanla Vanzant books, and God to settle my behind down and realize I was in fact battling some shit under the surface.

First of all, I was damn angry. And I would spazz on my mom and my sister for the dumbest things at the drop of a pin.

But I realized why I was so angry:

In my eyes I felt like a coward for not being strong enough to stick it out, and that made me angry. I was angry at my parents for all the things they did and did not do. I was angry at some of my friends because I felt taken advantage of. However, what made me the most angry was that I never spoke up about any of it. I'd just repress it. I just started confronting my anger this year. Therapy has taught me that it's ok to be angry; that it will not drive you crazy, it's how you express it.

And worse,I realized that I did not love myself. I thought that I did, but I really didn't. People, understand that you cannot love yourself if you don't realize your self worth and don't speak up when someone is doing you foul. And you cannot claim to love someone else if you don't love yourself. How are you trying to go out of your way to please and love someone when you can't do it for you? The shit is impossible.

Now, when I came home, I had stopped going to church because 1, I didn't want to panic at church,and 2, I started thinking that God wasn't listening to me, didn't care about me anymore, and the situation was to be my fate.

*Enter imaginary donkey*
*Donkey brays: he haw he haw, ho*
*Exit donkey*

LOL

I mean, here it was I was getting worse. Eventually I started praying again. I even found it in my heart to talk to my dad after not speaking to him for 3 years. Then my mom talked me into going to church again last January.

Mannn... every Sunday I would cry at church. I mean EVERY SUNDAY. There always seemed to be something in the message that was speaking to me. But hell, I was crying like every other day back then anyway, lol.

Then around March I found a book that I had brought a lonnnggg time ago. Like, 7 years ago by Iyanla Vanzant, called One Day My Soul Just Opened Up.

I don't know why I hadn't read it before then, but I guess God knew I would need it eventually. It helped me so much. I learned so much about myself and confronted so many things that I didn't want to. Go'n and click that last sentence. Buy it, I guarantee you will see a change.

In May, I went on up to the alter at church, crying of course, and got saved.

*Monie, you sure don't act like you saved!*

Oh,but I am!

Being saved is recognizing Jesus is your savior. I have battled with myself long enough about how I behave and things that I do. I'm more into knowing and loving God and Jesus than abiding by religious rules and regulations. I have gotten the side eye plenty of time for wearing makeup, and exposing cleavage at church. I don't care what anyone has to say, God knows I think I'm sexy. Lol. God knows everything about me. We have a good relationship. He knows I'm silly. He knows my hormones rage. He also knows that I have a good heart and I try my best to be a good person to and help my fellow brethren/sisteren. He knows when I'm being good, and he most definitely knows when I'm being bad. He knows all that, and He loves me. Regardless.

These days I am so at peace. If you have ever not been at peace, then you know how much it means to have it. I understand that I am where I am meant to be at this point of my life. I can travel places on my own, and panic doesn't run my life anymore. I still feel anxious from time to time, but I know it will pass. Still working on my driving, but I know I'm gonna get there. And if I feel like panic is going to be so unbearable I embrace it, love it like an annoying little brother, pray, and worst case scenario, pop a Klonopin. :)

I have learned to love myself, both the good parts and the bad parts.

I know my self worth. And I don't hesitate to check folks anymore.

Fall from grace?

*Monie laughs heartily; startling Dinka causing him to run into a wall*

hehehehe

I never fell from grace. How could I ever?
How can any of us ever??? I am God's child. Me falling from grace is impossible. Whitney falling from grace...impossible! You falling from grace.... say it loud...IMPOSSIBLE!

He worked the best miracle that I could ever receive. He allowed me to know Him. It took 2 panic-ridden, stress-filled years to do so, but I wouldn't change a thing. Why?

It had to happen the way it did. I am stubborn. That's my nature. And had I not been brought to the lowest of my low, God could not have penetrated my mind and my spirit the way he had.

I'd still be one confused, drunken little child doing the Walk it Out in the clubhouse. LOL!

(Granted, I still drink, but I am a whole lot more sober these days. And as of August, I've stuck with the one drink minimum. Go me!)

I'm saying though... it's a process.

So even if I never go on to become world famous or do something iconic, that's alright.

You just read it...God has already done so much for me.

I've been delivered.

Just like Whitney Houston.

"We've got somethin' in common!"

LOL

*Monie reaches for her Kleenex*

And that's all for today.

Be blessed Blog Babies!

xoxomonie!