"Good Hair"-- Fuck a Drawstring Ponytail-- the shit Chris Rock Forgot to Include

So I know some of you were moved by the fact that sodium hydroxide (hair relaxer) can melt a can of soda.

Some of you probably cringed in your chair, and swore off perms for life.

*snorts*

I watched that scene, shrugged, helped myself to some more popcorn and told myself that as long as this Mizani perm continues to make me feel sexier than Prince, I'mma fuck wit it.

Til my proverbial wheels roll down to the hub caps.

Because in my opinion "Good Hair" is whatever makes you feel and look good.

Your hair should not define who you are as a person.


Now, Chris Rock, one of my best and dearest friends (in my head) left out one important part in this documentary. But never fear. As always, I'mma bring you the forgotten culprit on why some hos out here are running around here bald.



Naw, it ain't no damn alopecia I'm talking about. I'm talking about the

(wait for it...wait for it.....)

The Draw String Ponytail

Mutha FUCK a sodium hydroxide, the draw string ponytail/pin-up bun is one of the worst things you could ever do to your hair and scalp.

Take it from me.

Once upon a time, in what seems like a faraway land (DC metro area!) I put my trust in a drawstring ponytail due partly to the fact that i couldn't find a consistent hairdresser.

The other reason: back then I would rather spend my money on bottles of Patron, Vodka, and Chipotle. Needless to say, there just wasn't much money to stretch on the necessities (hair, juice -yes, I never bought juice, but I'd fill up at friends' houses:)--, groceries, things like that).

I digress.

So let me tell ya'll--- I loved those draw string ponytails!
I'd rock it down low; I'd rock it up high, to the side, in the middle, with a pompadour; you couldn't tell me shit.
It was like miracle hair in a plastic bag for 8 bucks!

Now as with anything in life, the drawstring ponytail had it's pros, and dammit, it had its cons.

Me and the ponytail would always have a problem when it came to sex and alcohol.

After a night of drinking it always ended up in the strangest of places; like behind my computer desk, in the back of someone's car (and I'd have to call the whole crew to ask had they seen my ponytail-- and this is a question that is ALWAYS met by laughter), my drinking glass cabinet, and one time that bitch even made an appearance at work ... in the sleeve of my cardigan.

The drawstring ponytail aint sex-friendly neither. Missionary is not an option- you will end up with a mean headache and cuts in your scalp. Backshots are not an option either- because men get carried away and wanna grab shit and there goes your ponytail along with a good amount of your own hair on the ground, and that's you in the spotlight looking like a baldheaded donkey.
* Enter imaginary donkey*
*Imaginary donkey brays 'heehaw heehaw*

Also, there is nothing sexy about pulling off your hair and quickly trying to put it in your purse while your gentleman friend is off in the bathroom or something. There's no way you can finagle this into something sensual. Plus, its not like you can just place the muthafucka on a nightstand or dresser. Men who aren't your boyfriend get scared by shit like that.

So anyway, after months of rocking this draw string ponytail, my hair started breaking at the roots because two little combs that practically dig into your scalp hold the drawstring ponytail in place. And that my friends, is one of the main reasons I stand before you today rocking my new short and fabulous cut.

My hair now, is good hair. It makes me feel good, and it looks good when it's done.

When it ain't... well, that's a whole nother story. I don't drink anymore (yes, it's true, folks pick up your jaws) or dance like I'm trying out for Save the Last Dance anymore, so the sweat factor isn't really an issue.

Is it relations friendly? Nope. But that's the beauty of not having a boyfriend.
You can schedule dick prior to when you're going to the hair salon.

*Turns 'Single Ladies' on full blast and does a tranny dance*

*Exit stage*

bwwahahaahahahaa!!

Later Gators!