Pigeon Juice: The Shit You Just DON'T Drank!

For Bella (the source of my inspiration this evening) and Pop Pop (who always hips me to the illest dranks)

So let's get down to the getting downs:

So Monie.. .what is pigeon juice, you ask?

Let's have a definition, shall we?

Pigeon Juice (noun): chickenhead libations; oft times consumed in the clubhouse as a choice drink courtesy of male tricks. Similar to hood nigga pot likkah-- see definition
(well, not really. i'll give it to you another day,lol)

So...

A few weeks ago, my sissy and I were chit chatting--reminiscing about a friend of hers who was offered drinks for herself and the two of us in the club.

This trollop oredered nasty ass Hypnotiq. I remember being very upset about it, and trying to pawn it off to a stranger. Of course no one wanted it, so I just put it on a chair and kept it pushing.

*Get out your walking stick, Monie's bout to do a Kirk Franklin-esque stomp all up on somebody's corn toes*

Hypnotiq is really not what's up in the new year. It was alright when it first hit the market, but since then all the hood allstars have picked up on it, thus decreasing its value. For some reason when I'm doing clubhouse examinations, I always see the chickenheads gulping it down or Shawnquavious and his homeboys holding up the bottle in VIP, courtesy of the child support money he "forgot" to pay. (Gigantic F.U. to all the deadbeat dads-- you'll never prosper!)

So uh, yeah, like I was saying, Hypnotiq is a no-no.

Nuvo

what in the piss water sublime???!!!

oooh!!! this joint is atrocious. I decided to try it some time last year since my friend-in-my-head Wendy Williams kept hyping it up.

Fuckingggg. Nasteee.

I'm glad I only bought the small bottle. Never one to waste anything, I emptied that bitch out and put nail polish remover in it.

Now I have a cute little nail polish remover bottle. Nuvo is also uncouth-- as Pop Pop points out, it has a twist cap

Very remiscent of Olde E.

This is not classy at all. I know T. Pain got you all fooled, endorsing the hot shit out of it in the Blame it on the Alcohol video.

But look at him:

Ask yourself a question:

Would you really wanna drink something that he drinks??

Snap ya fingas/ do ya step/ you can do it all by yo selffff

sha na na na na e.coli. ...Let me press forward..

Alize

Somebody ought to elbow- buss you in your mouth piece if you're still drinking Alize. Alize is the ultimate pigeon drank!!

**Make note of how you've seen every color that Alize comes in, in some chickenhead's weave. **

Conspiracy theory!!

If this is still your practice, cease and desist, dammit!!
Plus its outdated. Besides... your mom probably drank it back in her day along with that Asti Spumanti and Bartles & Jaymes. Let's upgrade, folks.

Canei

...and if you're still drinking this shitastrophe, someone ought to grab it from you, and smash you in the head.

This is murder 1 in a bottle.

A twist cap bottle.

Canei is so low-class that they give it to you to drink STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE at the club!!

The pigeons used to be hoo-hoo-ing at this one too. I haven't seen anyone drink this since 2002, thank God, but I'm sure someone's still guzzlin' it.

So Monie, what should we be drinking in the 2009?

Hell if I know, lol :)

However I can hip you to the shit that I drink. I am a biased drinker. Make note of how I mainly drink tequila.

Don Julio Blanco

This is my absolute shit. It's better than Patron, and tad less expensive, even though the quality is better. It's skrong, yet smooth. All you need is a little.

Usually after 2 sips my coochie is bumpin like the Kanye baseline from Love Lockdown.

Dumdumdum-dum

Dumdumdum-dum

...til we lose controllll system overload screamin no no
non-nooooo

(Look how Kanye's sitting down in that corner, looking all drunk-like. Probably had that Don!)

*Note- If you're trying to remain celibate like me, do not drink it in the company of men.

Your clothes. will. fall. off.

Other than that, I drink the various Patrons (reposado, anejo) ; but nothing tops the Don. And! You can mix it with damn near anything. One time I mixed it with orange juice... ooh! slap me now, slap me later! Delicioso!!

Now, if the clubhouse doesn't have my shit in stock (which they usually don't); I'll opt for the voddy (Grey Goose). If the men inside are too ugly to look at, I'll run for the Hennessy. If Hennessy is not in the building

(yeah, I know, how does that happen, but it has) , I'll fuck with Remy.

I never drink rail liquor. DC has taught me it is death for free.

I'd rather transfer the $7 in my savings account to the $8 in my checking to buy top shelf.

Because the bad shit is bound to give you bad experiences:

Dranks I will never fuck with again:

Absolut - no lie, one time I was drunk on Absolute, and did the ultimate crackhead shit. picture it:

5:something in the AM i got out of the bed and had this incredible urge to dance. So I dropped it down low, and brought it back.
And got right back in the bed. After that; never no mo'.

E&J- Gentle Jesus meek and mild, look upon a little child!!! Never again. Absolutely terrible!! (E&J actually should have made it to the pigeon juice list)

Andre Champagne - $5 champagne can never be a good look. Not never.

Jose Cuervo- bottled shit water. I won't touch it. I will not touch it.

anything by Seagrams- Seagrams will make you not want to drink for years. We used to use it for drinking games back in one of my undergrads (yup.. I went to 3 of 'em..shutup) and you wake up feeling like you need an exorcism. It's bad business.

Svedka- nasty. quite. nasty.

Friis- harsh. Do not drink this unless you're in Miami during memorial day weekend. You will be fugggged uppppp for days on end. The good thing about Friis is you don't wake up with a hang.

Gosh... I could be here all night,but I'm tired.

Later muffins!

monie*