More Groupie Sex Tales- Jim Jones

Dammit, man! Backstagepazz.com -- ya'll are making my summer out this bitch!


Soooo, I made up a new game, ya'll. It's called "What the Fuck". Very similar to my usual red light-green light, but its 2009 so I figure, hey, why not do some new shit.

Today we're talking about the penis of Joseph Guillermo Jones or as we all know him, JIM JONES .

Scuse me as I let out my niggadom ; you know, that hood side that all of us have-- white folks, ya'll ain't exempt!

*Monie pops open a bag of bodega potato chips (UTZ! ) and sets it beside her Tropical Fantasy- Colt 45 cocktail (lmao), and turns up the volume on her bootleg Dipset's Greatest Hits CD. *

Jim Jones, this basket of Chlamydia... ugh. Let's get started shall we?

*In my best Cam'ron voice*

KILLA!!

Jim Jones came to my city on a tour with another rapper. I went to the show with my sister and a couple of our friends. I was a lil intoxicated and ended up losing everybody I was with. On some ol' humbug type shit, I just really asked one of the security guards if I could go backstage....my outfit was pretty hot (lol). I was backstage just walking around and stumbled upon Jimmy and Freaky Zeaky, Jimmy asks me "what I was doing" so me I play the dumb role and was like " I lost my sister", you know the damsel in distress, lol.
He asked me to come and chill with them, I'm like "you sure?" He like "yeah", so I'm in there and next thing you know he pulls out some money and I must admit he was holding that night so I'm like "can I have some?" He like "what you gonna give me?" I'm like "whatever baby" so he cash's me out and we are fucking on a table, he just bent me over the table and hit it from the back for like 5 mins, and then put me on my back with one leg on his shoulder(while his dude is watching).

Everybody all together now: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Money for sex, what we call that, ya'll?

*Dumb mafucka in the crowd shouts out "Ballin!"*

Naw nigga, try again.

That's prostitution.

Who says the world ain't fair?

It is.

Look at that: a dirty ass nigga for a dirty ass bitch. She got bent over a table while his friend (probably Freeky Zeeky handicapped ass) was watching?? Lmao, all I can see is one of them fold-up lunch tables from back in middle school and someone bent over getting pounded out.

Nastiness.

Jimmy Jones, you dead wrong for that shit. And Imma set Handicaps Welfare Association on your ass.


Smh.

Carry on Groupie:

It was alright though....you will not believe this guy put his finger in my ass!!!!!!!! I wasn't feeling that at all but hey its his dime. I must admit he's a sweaty muthafucka and he was talking shit too like " you like this bitch" I must admit I kinda liked it...the talking not the sex cause my butt was sore for a couple days!!!! I thought that he gave me like $600.00 but it was more like five something, tell you the truth though...I would have let him get it for free,lol. If he wasn't sweating so much I think it would have been better. Sweaty Ass!!

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

I say, one mo' gain: WHAT! THE! FUCK?!!?

*Monie pours her Tropical Fantasy-Malt Liquor cocktail on the ground. The rental white carpet in her apartment bursts into flames. Quickly, she sprinkles the Utz chips on the fire in hopes to out it, but the flames rise up higher than Sam Jackson on crack in Jungle Fever... is this the end??*

Nah.

For real though, I have some questions.

1- Somebody please tell me: what was "alright" about this entire situation? You get pounded out over a table for five minutes while someone sticks a finger in your ass for roughly $5-bills? Houston, we have a mafuckin problem. Where is the self love out here?

*Monie sadly watches the self love float off into oblivion*

2- I need these bitches to have higher standards for sex. Imma share some of mine:

I definitely need more than 5 minutes. 35 minutes, one or 2 hours with breaks in between, yeah. 5 minutes, fuck outta here.
You give me 5 minutes, I promise I'll shank you, tell all your friends (and my friends too) and then the rest of your life from there on out is fucked up.

Because I can't get back the Tang once I pour it out the pitcher; you will NOT be playing w/ my shit.

If he's sticking his finger in your asshole and "you ain't feeling that at all" tell him to stop. If someone is doing something to your body that you do not like/ particularly care for, tell that nigga to halt. Or do something that has always worked for me: punch him in the chest. Hard. Yup, punch that mafucka. And tell him to step off as you put on your clothes and walk up out of there/ demand he drives you back home.

3- Jim Jones is out of shape. Badly. He's pouring down excessive amounts of sweat after 5 minutes of fucking? I guess sticking your finger in someone's ass really works up a sweat, huh?

*shrug*


Yeah, no thanks... I'll pass. And if he wasn't sweating so much she thinks it could have been better? BITCH, HOW????

I am too through.

There needs to be a Dipset intervention out here...

and that's all, folks.