Taking Steps Out the Closet

Whenever someone is brave enough to allow themselves to be vulnerable by sharing their thoughts or talents with this world, I stand in admiration of them. It's not as easy as a lot of people think. Many of us dim that light we could be shining so brightly on others because we are afraid we won't be accepted; someone won't like what it is that we have to say. What we do. How we look. What we fail to grasp a lot of the time is that it will always be something.

So in knowing that; say "heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" , do a tranny dance, and let it all hang out. Messiness and all!

I've spent several years of my life with my own light bulb switched off. God has blessed me with several gifts; particularly one of the most imaginative and creative minds that I know of. I've been using this talent to help me write since I was about seven; when my second grade teacher gave me a journal (Thanks Norma! :D ) I have about 5 finished books sitting in storage in Maryland; with one still in the works. Very few of my friends have had the opportunity of reading them.

Because the perfectionist in me is also the part of myself that keeps me in fear.

I feel like whatever I create HAS to be perfect.If I get up to sing, I better sound perfect. If I draw something, it had better be perfect. Clothes, better be perfect. Makeup, most definitely better be perfect!

But what is perfect anyway???

(I'm starting to hate that word)

I've just finished reading Staceyann Chin's The Other Side of Paradise and its brought a lot of things into perspective for me.

If you haven't read it, you should. Won't give out the whole story , but she basically takes you through her life growing up in Jamaica where all the odds were against her. To top it all off she comes to realize she's a lesbian in a country that is NOT tolerant of homosexuals AT ALL , but comes out the closet anyway.

Why am I inspired? Because I LOVE and RESPECT people who are not ashamed to be themselves despite what others might say, to the FULL. To me that's the most courageous thing anyone could do in a world where people are critical and hateful of anything they may not understand. A lot of you who blog about your lives, your deepest thoughts, sexuality, whatever it may be; I love you for that. You didn't have to share, but you did. And I appreciate all of you who read my blog, because I'm allowed to let out every side of myself that I would have otherwise just kept silent in fear of being told "you're a wierdo".

Yes, I write under a pen name, and only 4 friends(aside from my therapist) know that I write this blog; but its because I like the freedom to write about any and everything/everyone without getting phone calls saying "who the fuck i think i am to be writing shit about..."
This is truly therapeutic, because whatever I write knows no boundary. The friends that do follow me; they are people I can say ANYTHING to, and for that I love them.

Is this hypocritical since I'm talking about being true to thine self today? It is. Not that I'm apologizing for being myself, there's just certain things I'd rather certain people in my life didn't know. Be selective ya'll... you never know who might wanna blackmail yo ass.

Will I ever truly come out the closet so to speak? Maybe.

Anyway, like I was saying, I admire Staceyann Chin for her courage to just be herself. For leaving Jamaica to be able to live her life out, proud (and way more peacefully I assume) in America. For not letting poverty or lack of supportive family hold her back. Being courageous enough to always speak up and share her poetry and memoir with this world. For never allowing anyone to turn off her light.

And when I feel like I want to put the dimmer on mine, I will remember her story and everyone else I believe to be a hero, and turn my light up all the more brighter.

xoxo-
Monie