The Set Up: Nigerian Email Scam

Hey Ya'll!
(yup, i know. back to back posts!)

I just wanna vent about Spam blocker not doing its job.

Yesterday I received the following African fuckery in my inbox:

Subject: I HAVE REGISTERED YOUR CONSINGMENT WITH THE PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE / Call me: Tel: +234-802525-4563

*Monie lights herself two cigarettes and puts her Klonopin on the table. It might be one of those… times*

What in the Amistad?!?!?!!?!

Keep us free!!

My imagination ran wild, and this is what happened in my mind:

Monie: First, what the hell is a “conSINGment”? Second, the “Parcel Express Company Courier Service”—that joint needs an acronym. Too much is going on. And last, there’s no “+” sign on my phone, so I can’t even call to verify this shit.

Carry on ya'll…


Mr. Wilson:

Hello,

I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirmable Bank cheque of (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS ) but I did not hear from you since for a couple of weeks now. Then I went to the bank to confirm if the draft has expired or getting near to the date of expire and Dr. Wilson the Director Bank of Africa told me that before the draft will get to your hand that it will expire.


(Just this once, I will ignore that hell of run on sentence)

*Lightbulb goes off in Monie’s head*

Monie: But it all makes mafuckin sense now!! This is where all the money Bank of America has been taking from me goes to!! To Africa!!

Look at 'im. It's a conspiracy. Imma tell ya'll what's really going on in this picture.

That smug mafucka is a Bank of America rep. He appears as if he's doing good by those babies, but I know the truth. He's a thief. Promising those kids my stolen two thousand united state dollars; filling them with promises of new cloths for their backs, toys, and food. These poor children. They have no idea he gives not a fuck. Kids, be warned! He will take it ALL; from the cloth on your back to the calluses on your feet!! Lawd jeezah!! You've been warned.

*Monie pops a Klonny-pin, pulls her wig off and sets it on her end table. Unbeknownst to Monie, Dinka with the help of Baby Bird Byron steal the wig and give it to the new woman in Dinka's life, Shantikafah.

She is thus pleased. *

I digress.

So yeah. A whole TWO MILLION UNITED STATE (no "s" ya'll) DOLLARS! This figure sounds like what they've taken from me over the years in overdraft fees. *shrug*

However, neither this Mr. Wilson (scroll down; that’s who this letter is from) or Dr. Wilson (hmm—wonder if they related?) has contacted me. I know I been tied up with school and moving and shit, but I would have remembered someone writing me about TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS owed to me.

Carry on…


Mr. Wilson: So I told him to cash the (TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS) to cash payment to avoid losing this funds under expiration as I will be out of the country for an 11 Months Course and I will not come back till Ending of SEPTEMBER. 2011.

Monie: Mr Wilson; you are ever so thoughtful. I sure hope you got all 20s and 50’s. And 1’s too. Those are my favorite.

The thing is, I don’t know if I own a bag that can even hold all that cash. And I’m a "walker" (a person who doesn’t drive or ride a bike) so I don’t know if I will be able to carry all that. Oh wait!! You did say that the PARCEL EXPRESS COMPANY COURIER SERVICE (or the PECCS as I would like to call it) is gonna deliver the shit. My fault. Look at me getting ahead of myself.

And if I may ask, where are you going for 11 months?? You planning on sticking it to me and then going to live it up on the beach somewhere no doubt.


Mr. Wilson: What you have to do now is to contact PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your Consignment to you because of the expiring date. For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance premium so contact;

Directors Name: MR. JOHN WILLIAMS
Company’s Name: PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES
Email Address: (mrjohnw11000@vista.aero)
TELLPHONE: +234-802525 4563

Monie: Mr. Wilson—you hookin ya girl up! You paid for delivery and insurance. That’s whatsup.

*Blank Stare*

But I done told you, that I don’t have a “+” on my “tellphone”. How am I gonna get through to them to deliver this consignment? I guess I can always email him.

Mr. Wilson: The only money you will send to the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES to deliver your Consignment direct to your postal Address in your country is ($100USD) only being Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far.

Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $100USD ONLY.

I would have paid that but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage. You have to contact the PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES now for the delivery of your PARCEL with this information bellow;

1, Full Name:
2, Address of Residence:
3, country from:
4, Telephone Number:
5, Occupation...

Monie: I will try not to let anyone deceive me to pay anything other than the $100 USD. Do you have copies of the receipts showing you paid for insurance and delivery? Just in case they try to make me pay? Also, I’m confused, now. Is it “Parcel Express Company Courier Service or just Parcel Express Courier Service”? Anyway, thanks for letting me know you would have paid if you could. You’re very thoughtful, Mr. Wilson. Why didn’t you give them my info though? I mean, surely you have that. You’re privy to everything else…


Mr. Wilson: Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and Direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package over there, that will be after you paid the Security Keeping Fee and when it will get to your address. Let me repeat again, Try contact them as soon as you receive this mail and ask them how you will make the security fee of $100USD to them to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $100USD for their immediate action.

Monie: I dunno about this Mr. Wilson… I smell a setup. You know I live in DC, like 4 blocks from the White House… and they have a way of finding out everything. Them some bad muthas if you didn’t know. I mean, President Obama seems really, really nice— it’s them other hos in the Cabinet that I don’t trust.


**takes hard puff of cigarette**

I just don’t wanna do nothing to mess up the (second ) start of my grown woman life. I fucked up the first one pretty badly, and now I have no couch, no bed, microwave, or electric tea kettle… and crack wasn't even involved!!

But that’s a whole nother story.

So yeah, no matter how much that TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS sounds, I like the happy state of mind that I’m in (most of the time) now.

Mr. Wilson: Note this. The PARCEL EXPRESS COURIER SERVICES don't know the contents of the Box.
I registered it as a BOX of Africa cloths. They did not know the content was money? Only Dr. John knew this as confidential agreement between me and him because he advice me so, this is to avoid them delaying with the BOX. Don’t let them Know that the box content is money okay.

Monie: Mr. Wilson, you sneaky dog!! Both you and Dr. Wilson!! But why are you asking me “they did not know the content was money?” Did they, or is that just a typo. Mr. Wilson, I don’t want no trouble, you hear me?? NO TROUBLE!! I won’t let them or anyone know the box content is money. Just ordinary... African... CLOTHS.

It can be like , our little secret.

Mr. Wilson: You are to make the payment of $100 Dollars in the name of the PARCEL accountant officer (MR DABO STEVEN) for the security payment/keeping fee of your package with this payment details below:

Receiver Name: MR DABO STEVEN
Receiver Address: NO.32 GROVERS CRESCENT, ABUJA NIGERIA
Sender's Name: Your Name
Sender's Address:
Amount To be Sent: $100 usd
Text Question to be used: HOW ARE YOU
Text Answer: FINE
M.T.C.N. ( Ten Digit Number )

Monie: So is Mr. Dabo Steven in on the take as well? Or did he already get his portion of the money? Cause I’m gonna count this here currency and if it doesn’t add up to TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS Imma have some questions for you and Mr. Steven.
Bad gyal don't fear. * snarl*

I will make note not to put a question mark after the text question “how are you”. I am not trying to cause further delay with this BOX.

Mr. Wilson: Make sure you send to me the payment information, which was given to you via Western Union or Money Gram.

Monie: I didn't get anything form Western Union or Money gram. Please resend. I'll more than likely use Western Union, since I’m a Western Union PRO.
*brushing dirt off shoulders*
No problem!

Mr. Wilson:You are advice to send the money today so as to avoid any delay from delivery your package to your door step. Package arrives to your doorstep in 48hrs.

Monie: Oh wow, only 48 hours…. coming from Nigeria??? You can pretty much send a BOX at light speed now I guess. That don’t sound right, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson: As soon as you make the payment of Security Keeping fee of $100USD ask them to give you your tracking number, for proper verification to avoid mistake.

This is the Couier Company website: pescnig.net

And you can call me Agent for more info +234-802525-4563

Yours Faithfully,
MR. SCOTT WILLIAMS

Monie: Um, Agent? Hold the fuck up.

I definitely need some more info. I looked at the website, and saw a mafuckin horse with a PARCEL on its back. Like some real Pony Express type shit was going on, on that website.

And if that’s the way you’re sending my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS, I'd rather we go about this in some other way. I’m quite sure it’s not gonna get here in 48 hours. Additionally, this can't be safe. No matter how much insurance you put on it.
I'm sure the horse is gonna get hungry on its way here from Nigeria. And I'm not sure whether they send the horse with food or not, but I'm not tryna fuck around with a hungry horse and have him eat my TWO MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS.

No, no, NO!! Especially after I paid my hard earned (ok, so it's Financial Aid) $100 dollars down!

Please email me in regards to the questions that I have. You can call me at 301______. Please do not put a “+” in front of my number, or you won’t be able to contact me.

Thanks.

Frightfully,

Monie

*sigh*

Dear God, it's me, Monie...
i can't.