random- accuweather bullshit, and the difference between dick and penis

accuweather bullshit



now is it just me, or do these acuweather mafuckas hype up weather situations to be more than what they really will be? they started up with the bullshit last night about how we were supposed to get a buttload of snow starting then. it didn't snow here til about 11:somthing, and stopped around 2:00. it's approximately...no,it is 3:20, and we have probably less than an inch of snow on the ground. none of it stuck.



just like with that hurricane (ike) this summer in texas. they had us believing the most was gonna happen. they were so excited about it being possibly the worse hurricanes in history. all the weatherbitches and weatherbastards had that 'im-about-to-bust-one' gleam in their eye. and then when it wasn't what they said it would be, they looked so dejected. bitches.

*update... whadya know? Accuweather was half right this time. We have a substantial amount of the white stuff and it did stick. Hmm.

dick and penis-- what's the difference?
and the things you need to know...



i like to think that they are different; kinda like how chris rock (my comedic god father in my mind) says there's a difference between "pussy" and "vagina".

let's break it on down.



penis-

penis is aight. if you were to compare him to dick, he'd be a jc penny's, at best, a macy*s, and dick would be... saks -- no pun intended. ;)

so yeah, penis, does what penis was created for: intercourse and at it's worse, pregnancy. sometimes when you just gotta get slayed, you can opt for penis. it's like methadone.

anywho, there are three categories of penis:



what-is-this?-penis-
its just like you think. serves no purpose. i won't even waste my time going into detail. this is the kind of sex where you stare at the cieling and wonder how you got yourself into such a f/cked up predicament. it's wack, it's dry...but the upside is, it's usually done in less than 19 minutes.

Tools Relief: nan.that's right, "nan" , not even "none".


bland penis-
also, just like you think. the owner of bland penis always feels like he's really doing the most though. sometimes if you're desperate and have no options, you'll lay there, one leg up,taking it, and wishing upon a star that you'll come. if you do have options, you will promptly tell him to step off so you can get up and go on about your b/i.

Tools/Relief: *the rag (for you, not him, fuck him), the drink of your choice (to make you happy), and your cell phone (so you can vent to your bff about how terrible it was)

*(The rag is the moist warm rag that's essential for after you get it in. The rag by no means takes the place of a shower or worse case scenario, whore bath [washing your coochie, ass and arm pits]. You just use it until the shakiness leaves from your legs. Then you really handle your business in the bathroom)

moving on...

i-can't-believe-its-not-dick-penis- sometimes penis will surprise you. and that's where your i-can't-believe-its-not-dick type penis comes in. the thing about this type is, it's not consistent and oftentimes reverts back to bland penis, therefore it can never rise to dick status. :(

Tools/Relief: head scarf, the rag (for you; and if he's of service to you that day, you can share if you'd like)

let's talk about dick now.

man, i love dick!
--- realest shit i ever wrote.

*fans self*


So yes, the best thing about dick is , there's variety. The one thing dick has in common is that it will either knock the bottom out your shit, or rub the walls.

I'm gonna lay them out in order. Make note of how the rag always pops up in the dick category. *Note to fellas-- if the rag makes an appearance, or even a paper towel...and it's used on you...4 stars. you've done well.

Get-Right Dick-
Not always your first choice, but it's tried and true, guaranteed to give you a good one or two sexual erruptions.

Tools/Relief: head scarf, comb, brush, the rag.

Gangsta Dick-
May start off nice, but it does not play around. Gangsta D. operators sex you like they're fighting you. You don't want to deal with this type of dick unless you have health insurance. There's a 89% chance you may get hemmed up, choked , hair from your head will be missing, you may even come close to passing out. You may end up needing medical attention cause you done f/cked around (literally) and tore your damn hamstring. Gangsta D operates no less than an hour. Come prepared with a scarf for your head, because you will be sweating out your perm/press/flat iron.

Tools/Relief:the rag, Ben Gay patch/vapor rub/tiger balm, hot bath with epsom salts, head scarf or hat. don't bother with the other stuff. your body will hurt too much to do anything else.

Euphoria Dick-
Makes you really happy. Something like smoking good piff and then eating a 20 piece Chicken McNugget meal and washing it down with a Large orange Hi-C. (Fatass! Fatass!!) You are happy. You are satiated. You are getting off 4 times at minimum, and your stress is just practically melting away. Euphoria dick will compel you to give back all you can; even if its nothing more than "dick-to-jaw-time" for a good hour and change. And more times that's all you can do, because the rest of your body is tired and it wouldn't be sexy reaching for the tiger balm/vapor rub mid buss-down to rub on your aching muscles.

Tools and Relief: 5 hour nap. Do what you can after that.

Chipotle Dick- Chipotle dick does the perfect mix of everything . Just as the chipotle burrito bol has the right combination of everything, chipotle dick operates like this. Chipotle Dick Operators will pin you up in all kinds of ways, pull your hair, and give you the proper freak down. This is the kind where you leave feeling refreshed and feeling lucky to have a vagina. you have to re-cooperate for at least a day after you get it, and your body hurts in places you didn't even know could hurt. The down-side (just like Chipotle), it's addictive, and you usually can't have it all the time that you want it for various reasons. If your mental state is awry, leave this kind a-lone!

Tools and Relief: 8 hour rest.The rag. Ben Gay patch/vapor rub/tiger balm, hot bath with epsom salts, head scarf, comb, paddle brush, gel, ponytail holder. If you rocking the short and sexy cut, bring a cute hat.

So yup...that's the difference. Ladies go gauge the types you've had. Fellas...ask someone to gauge the type you are. Because there is a possibility that you think you have Chipotle dick, when in all actuality, you posses bland penis.

*Blank Stare*

So that's all for today. There's a margarita with my name on it, just waiting.

lator gators! - monie:)