voicemail done right

i absolutely loathe voicemail. reasons are kind of a mix between the fact that i have to call my voicemail and listen to either someone hang up, leave stupid messages like 'call me back', when they could have easily sent a text.

i've told people in my life this over and over again. when i was going through my mini crisis in '07, my voicemail greeting went like this:

Do not leave a message; I repeat do not leave a message unless you are a lawyer, doctor, or someone else of importance. If it is imperative that you reach me, send me a text message.

But it had the adverse effect-- instead i received the most messages i ever received in life. people did it to piss me off. why you'd want to piss off someone who's going through shit, boggles me, but whatever. I ended up having to take the greeting off, because people from church and friends that i barely speak to (that i do answer the phone for since they know how much i hate the phone) were getting quite upset, and were taking it personally.

but since then... the shit is getting out of hand. so i decided to write a new script for the folks who want to leave voicemail. (i hope it fits, cause sprint be kinda stingy with the 'record your own greeting' minutes) Here it goes:

You dialed the wrong number at the wrong time. Whatever it is that you thought I could help you with; chances are I probably can't. Quite honestly, I probably don't want to either. Take it to Jesus, because it's none of my business anyway. I got my own turd in a bag to tote. my mental arms are too tired to carry your
turd tote bag along with mine. So as a wise young man named Dwayne Michael Carter once said: 'Send a nigga a text message'. It would be greatly appreciated. Have a blessed day.

i would love for my therapist so record it though; so it's like, really official and shit.

xoxo_monie